another olive branch

I am the man of estrangements.  All my life this has been the pattern - relationships with strict boundaries, seem to work. Once things get deeper and more personal, people become estranged. Not wanting to even say hi in public. This pattern has caused me to become very guarded and hyper-vigilant with boundaries.  

My mom is coming for Thanksgiving dinner.  I could write ten pages here about my relationship with her, in short being estranged has been a good thing. I'm estranged from my siblings as well. They all believe that I am an angry man....and yes I was in my teens and early 20's. They do not know me anymore....

I am different, but a brother to all of you here.  There's alot of us out there.....non-social, dysfuntional.  

Anyway, just figured I'd post this here. I know even here I'm not really liked, I'm used to it.  I do like feedback on people going thru the same thing though. If this reaches out to you, let me know. I am grateful to my new wife, who is the first person I actually feel is on my side in this life.

Take care, drink too much this holiday season. It's good for you.

Can relate with you. I have a very estranged relationship with my mother, father and brother. I don’t fit in their normal world. I see my father only for some weeks or so a year. I have not seen my mother in years. We talk once a month on the phone.
My relationships have all been extreme and not something that some people would see as healthy. I’m weird. Really weird. Usually I’m shunned. Lol.
However, I believe that this is what I need to do to survive. Closeness is... hard. And painful. 


Cheers.

Jessicat said:

Can relate with you. I have a very estranged relationship with my mother, father and brother. I don’t fit in their normal world. I see my father only for some weeks or so a year. I have not seen my mother in years. We talk once a month on the phone.
My relationships have all been extreme and not something that some people would see as healthy. I’m weird. Really weird. Usually I’m shunned. Lol.
However, I believe that this is what I need to do to survive. Closeness is... hard. And painful. 


Cheers.

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Thanks for the feedback.  These estrangements, ****...they're like a curse.  I used to get frustrated in my younger years, and in those younger years, there was a time and I remember it very clearly, where I accepted who I was.  I decided to go it alone, and it was as if a weight was lifted off.  I feel I've never had anyone on my side, truly.  And if I did, it was very conditional. Me on the other hand, I'm a very good ally,  although I bring to the table just me.

A friend long ago told me I reminded him of Isreal. Very self resourceful with enemies all around. Honestly, he was and still is,100% right.

My home-life growing up is a story in itself, and I was an angry young man. I made alot of bad judgement calls, pretty much naive judgements and immature judgements in those years and it's tough when I look at those memories.  No wonder back then that people didn't like me.  Now fast forward to the present, much of the pattern follows even though I have reformed myself and my way of thinking and living.  I don't understand, I do know that others see us differently than we see ourselves and I figured I was not seeing myself clearly....until my (now wife) entered the picture.  She lives with me, and does see some things about me that are different, but not enough to cause all these weird estrangements.

But I prefer myself as I am now.  As opposed to what I once was.... and the estrangements and "outcastness" (made that up just now) is I suppose the price.

I’m glad you got your wife on your side. Nice to see good stuff happen.
I’ve wondered many times if I should just run away from all people and just be on my own, it all comes with such a high price. Friendship or love, it all just something that feels like debt owed. Sadly I think it’s impossible. 
Here’s for hoping the release of acceptance comes sooner than later. 
No matter what, life doesn’t feel all bad.

Jessicat said:

I’m glad you got your wife on your side. Nice to see good stuff happen.
I’ve wondered many times if I should just run away from all people and just be on my own, it all comes with such a high price. Friendship or love, it all just something that feels like debt owed. Sadly I think it’s impossible. 
Here’s for hoping the release of acceptance comes sooner than later. 
No matter what, life doesn’t feel all bad.

Click to expand...

Running away does more harm than good, I at least discovered in my own experiences.  People dig you out, it's a nosy ******* world we live in, and if you try to hide, you might be ok for awhile, but eventually you're put in situations where you have to deal with people and lack the skills. Sometimes it's because people don't let you be alone, they stick their heads right inside your cave and make you deal with them. It's alot like being in prison, the more you try to be by yourself, the bigger the target on your back becomes.   

That's what I learned as a young man in my teens and 20's.  At 28 I began what I've coined as personal reform - and that process took over 10 years to accomplish.  This is a story, almost a book actually, of my efforts to change - and I did.  By about 42, I was able to navigate socially, and did so.  I started a project in my community using skills I had learned in personal reform, and worked with area youth.  I did this for about 8 years, and ended the program 2 years ago.  It was a satisfying project and I felt my time doing it was over. I'm now 52, so in the big picture of my life, I haven't been "fixed" all that long.

Anyway, that's off topic and a story in itself.  What I mean to say is that learning the strategic use of boundaries allowed me to (run and hide in a sense) while keeping me plugged in and growing.  In the past, outright reclusiveness caused me to become weaker and less able, sharp, when the time came to either lead or deal with conflict.  Boundaries insulates you, yet keeps you "in practice."  Those of us who have a workout program know that when you quit, the benefits disappear fast.  

Your relationship with your parents sounds alot like mine.  Estrangements - not talking to each other for years.  Then the ice somehow thaws slightly, slowly the relationship warms, only to have something else happen to cause another years long estrangement.   My wedding this past April caused a thaw,  they all love her, thus a new bridge was created.   I'm being cautious.

At work,  **** - that's a real complicated puzzle box.  I've been there going on 30 years.....seen a turnover in staff 3 times, I've had 3 top administrators (bosses) and I myself have had a dozen people go through my own dept that I oversee.  (I supervise one person)  I've had no interest in moving up the ladder because this position is comfortable for me.  I'm sure they all can't wait for me to go.  At some point, my work boundaries will be a post in itself.

They stick their head inside your cave. Hmm. That made me smile. Wonderful mental picture.
Running is never a smart thing to do, but sometimes you just can’t cope. It’s that way for me most of the time. So running becomes a way of life, or hiding at least. I do hope the day comes when I’m able to step into the light, so to speak. 

So you feel like your parents only is there for a while? Just waiting for them to disappear again. 

My father is holding on for dear life this idea that everything is perfect, nothings wrong, nothing has ever been wrong. He keeps this delusion to breath easier. I don’t blame him. Seeing things for what they really are can hurt like hell. And, his delusion gets forced away from him whenever he talkes to me. So he doesn’t.

Jessicat said:

They stick their head inside your cave. Hmm. That made me smile. Wonderful mental picture.
Running is never a smart thing to do, but sometimes you just can’t cope. It’s that way for me most of the time. So running becomes a way of life, or hiding at least. I do hope the day comes when I’m able to step into the light, so to speak. 

So you feel like your parents only is there for a while? Just waiting for them to disappear again. 

My father is holding on for dear life this idea that everything is perfect, nothings wrong, nothing has ever been wrong. He keeps this delusion to breath easier. I don’t blame him. Seeing things for what they really are can hurt like hell. And, his delusion gets forced away from him whenever he talkes to me. So he doesn’t.

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My father passed away in 2008 - he was my bridge to the rest of the family.  He worked where I did for 40 years, and continued consulting after retirement.  Occasionally dropped by my office and visited, and sometimes come to my home to hang out, drink a couple beers, and eat my famous cooking. Sometimes around the fire out back, and tell stories to my son and I about family history. He was the one to reach out to me to keep me connected to the rest of the family. Sometimes during these work visits, he'd update me on what my brother and sister were up to, at times even the extended family of uncles, aunts, and cousins.  I guess now that he's gone, I realize even more how disconnected I have always been from them. I have zero contact with extended family as well as siblings.  During his cancer fight, he asked me to call him once per day to check on him.  One of those calls, I talked to him about the estrangements between us....and he said he regretted it.

After passing away, my mom and I just could not be close. It just never works, maybe because our personalities have a lot of similarity.  We just went out to visit her, that's when we invited her to thanksgiving.  Although she was excited to come, she backed out due to the weather.  And, I would have too, this was the coldest, blusterous, thanksgiving in recent memory.

Yet you're 100% right - I'm only just waiting for the next estrangement to start.

Sounds like your dad was a good guy.


If you could, would you reach out and make a better connection with the rest of your family?
To be honest, being close to my family hurts too much. Even if I got the opportunity to make everything better between me and them, I’m not sure I would want too.

Jessicat said:

Sounds like your dad was a good guy.


If you could, would you reach out and make a better connection with the rest of your family?
To be honest, being close to my family hurts too much. Even if I got the opportunity to make everything better between me and them, I’m not sure I would want too.

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At this point, I really am not interested in anymore reaching out.  My mom...yes.  I have a new wife who deserves to know her mother in law.  My mom loves her, brags to everyone about how beautiful she is, her financial adviser...she showed pictures and he goes, that's your son's wife? Man he did good, he's lucky. Lori is oblivious about how pretty she is, and any type of reinforcement like that, makes her feel good.  My mom did that a few times during the visit, and now my wife really wants to reach out to her more.   I would like to see them become closer, because it is good for her, and for me.

BUT, and that's a big but.....I am no longer interested in putting in a bunch of maintenance into relationships that deteriorate into nothing but estrangements. It's a bad investment. I've for the most part written off everyone, yet if we meet, I talk to them as if no time has passed.  Like during the flooding of 2013, my brother came out to NY State to help out.  My mom's house was directly in the flood zone, and I drove onto her street just as the levy broke.  I got her cars out, her important stuff I loaded into the truck, and shut down the house and took her out. I did make several trips to where I work...dropping off items from her house, I basically make that my base of operation during the crisis.  She stayed with me for a few weeks, and my siblings came up to help with the flood relief. My younger brother and I talked to each other, as if we just saw each other yesterday instead of 10 years.  My f'n fake older sister comes out, and she and I got into an argument that we never recovered from.  My younger brother, and her...and my mom get together all the time for holidays and I'm not invited. This has been going on for years.

To the point, I think there's way to much damage, too big of a gulf between myself and everyone else, to be worth my while.  Especially since the pattern is estrangement.  I've adopted a saying that goes, "sometimes, estrangements are there for a reason."

Now back to you. What are the specific dynamics between yourself, and your family? What is their "normal" world that you don't fit into?  What happens with those weeks long visits with your father? The running and hiding system for dealing with the world. Can I ask you how that is working for you?

Hard to keep it short and on point without too much shared this open. Lol.
Hmm. 
My mother is a horrible person. She didn’t care for me at all, I did my own upbringing. My brothers upbringing was pretty normal, he is a lot older than me. I think I was the one that was supposed to keep my mother and fathers marriage together, it didn’t work. My dad left when I was young and became distant and uninvolved.
I got sick with ptsd when I was very young. That makes me unable to work.
The ptsd and not having a “normal” life makes it hard to relate with my brother, and I think us talking together brings up a lot of pain in me. It does that whenever I talk to anybody in my family. So I keep it short and sweet. Like you! I pretend no time has passed since we last spoke, I pretend everything is fine. Keeps it easy for me to stay somewhat connected to them on the phone. Even if it is only once a month we talk, it’s enough. Only reason I stay in touch with my mother and father is a feeling of duty I guess.
My brother has come a long way in his life, he is married with children. That makes me happy.
I am stuck in the past and probably will be for a long time. 

My father comes near where I live during summer holidays to his childhood home. It’s not to see me. We do meet some but it’s awkward.
The running and hiding? It’s not something I want to do, it’s what I need to do to keep safe. So no, it’s not working out great!

What did you and your sister fight about?

I hope you don't mind me braging in, i wanted to say i can relate to what you're saying. I still haven't learned how to, as you put it, strategicly use boundaries. I kind of flip flop from one extreme to the next, but i generally feel better when i keep people at a distance, evne though i know that the way i'm doing it isn't really healthy or fair let's say.
I'm not very close to my family, and wouldn't mind having no contact with them anymore, except for with my sister, she and i get along relatively well. I think that's because we endured the same kind of childhood.
I'm not sure what else to say, i enjoyed reading your story, Morrowrd, you seem to be doing well and i am glad about that.
I can really relate to your feeling of just wanting to run away and hide, Jessicat. Closeness just often doesn't seem to be worth it. The only problem is getting lonely and needing people.

Ahh nice of you to jump in, Hazed. Nice nick btw.
Needing people is an understatement for me for sure. Sometimes I feel like I wouldn’t survive on my own. That’s a real shitty feeling, knowing your life needs a strong support system and that it would be very difficult to do without it. I have a bf but it’s a wierd relationship. It benefits the both of us but it has nothing to do with love and being in love. 
Life could be a lot worse, I have no doubt about that. I’m glad I have managed to crawl my way to this point but once in a while the feelings of wanting something more comes to mind. Wishing things were different.

Thank you!

I get what you mean, knowing you really need it but wishing you didn't have to. Do you find comfort in your relationship, despite there not being any love involved?
Yeah, feeling like there could be more. And then trying to get it, but failing to do so.

Yes, I do find comfort in it. Makes me feel safe and it keeps me in line. Think my emotional state would be all over the place if I didn’t have him. So for that I’m thankful. 
Got to take those small victories whenever you can. Easier to stand up straight that way.
However, a relationship like that also makes me feel lonely and gives me a melancholic feeling.

Mixed bag huh, i'm glad it's at least partly positive. I hope things will work out for you.

Right back at yah!

Jessicat said:

Hard to keep it short and on point without too much shared this open. Lol.
Hmm. 
My mother is a horrible person. She didn’t care for me at all, I did my own upbringing. My brothers upbringing was pretty normal, he is a lot older than me. I think I was the one that was supposed to keep my mother and fathers marriage together, it didn’t work. My dad left when I was young and became distant and uninvolved.
I got sick with ptsd when I was very young. That makes me unable to work.
The ptsd and not having a “normal” life makes it hard to relate with my brother, and I think us talking together brings up a lot of pain in me. It does that whenever I talk to anybody in my family. So I keep it short and sweet. Like you! I pretend no time has passed since we last spoke, I pretend everything is fine. Keeps it easy for me to stay somewhat connected to them on the phone. Even if it is only once a month we talk, it’s enough. Only reason I stay in touch with my mother and father is a feeling of duty I guess.
My brother has come a long way in his life, he is married with children. That makes me happy.
I am stuck in the past and probably will be for a long time. 

My father comes near where I live during summer holidays to his childhood home. It’s not to see me. We do meet some but it’s awkward.
The running and hiding? It’s not something I want to do, it’s what I need to do to keep safe. So no, it’s not working out great!

What did you and your sister fight about?

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There are some vague similarities here between you and I, regarding the relationship you had and have with your mom.  I tend to not necessarily hold a grudge, but I do not forget either.  Excessive weird abusive punishments were dished out on a daily basis by my mom, to her children. (Me/siblings - I have one younger brother, one older sister)  The focus many times was on me, because I was the one who resisted and rebelled eventually.  This led to my leaving the home at 15, and is a story in itself.  Some of my problem today with my mom is how she creatively rewords and changes history, expecting me to nod my head, which obvioiusly I don't. I have alot of resentment towards her, and my sister who also likes to change history, so they are sort of a tag team when it comes to that.

The argument had to do with my mom, who was complaining during the flood recovery.  Her home, the basement and ground floor were damaged, such as the h/w heater, furnace, central a/c, and she actually became a pain as I was working there trying to get stuff out.  We had to remove contaminated items, clean the walls and ceiling in the basement, before the city came around and inspected things, and removed debris.  The "help" getting people back into their homes had a shelf life and I took a few days off from work to help with this.  I understood her grief, but the complaining was pissing me off.  Her first floor was untouched, it raises above the ground about 3 feet. I felt she came out of that flood better off than most, who lost everything.  If the first floor had been touched, then you have mold in the sheetrock and all the walls have to be torn out.  All that had to be done there, was to wipe down and decontaminate the basement.  Then of course, find contractors to replace the breakerbox, hw heater, furnace, ac.  Basically she had between 8 - $10,000 of work to fix up everything.  FEMA paid for it and she actually profited off that flood.  My sister came down for a day or two, to help, and when I again mentioned to my mom I disliked hearing her complaining - this time it was about the fire dept doing more for the guy across the street, than for her - my sister became borderline enraged to the point of almost yelling at me, bringing up things that had nothing to do with the situation..."nothing is ever good enough for you! You're an angry man" (two of the rants)    Some of her statements touch on outrage over changed history, things my mom must have complained to her about behind my back, inaccurate things I supposedly said.  And whenever I've defended myself, it makes things worse.   This part is too long to add here, it would make this post too long.  In short, the argument ended with me yelling back at her, and telling her to have a nice life.  Which made her mad, supposedly about how when I get mad, I don't talk to people.....for years.  It's true, but they forget, they do the same thing to me.

There's the abridged short version.

Back to the running and hiding.  I am in agreement with you to a point because in a sense, I do the same thing.  Not necessarily a system of running and hiding, but the strong use of boundaries...and reclusive living.  I do not participate socially at all. Work is it for me, and then I go home. My home is my fortress against the world, and I spare no expense when it comes to home quality of life.  I spend alot of time there.  I have a home in the hills above the small town where I work, 5 acres...enough to have your own little world.  I turned that over to my son after the flood, my mom abandoned her home, turning it over to me, and moved 2 hours away to be near my sister. FEMA has since, demolished it along with a bunch of others in the flood area, and I moved to a place where I now have neighbors.  That was something to get used too....although I use my wife to maintain those relationships, keeping them friendly.  Back on "the hill" I did not have a warm relationship with those neighbors who bordered my property there.  My son actually has done a better job with that.

What exactly do you do to "hide" ? Are we talking about avoidance?  What happens when you have to communicate with others, at the store for instance?   You're unable to work because of PTSD, so does that allow you to live independently still on disability?  Just trying to see the picture here.

When I started my job in 1991, I was 26.  And they were excited I was coming....I brought alot of new ideas, and motivation.  What I didn't have was social know-how and quickly fell out of favor with practically everyone.  I made some poor judgement calls, "some" might be an understatement too as I reflect.  I felt like a failure.  Fixing all that was part of my personal reform, a huge personal project where I withdrew from everyone and everything and worked on myself for a long multi-years process.  I actually wanted to quit and start over someplace else, but it didn't work out that way.  I ended up staying, and redefining myself - sort of.

Another story.

Hazed said:

I hope you don't mind me braging in, i wanted to say i can relate to what you're saying. I still haven't learned how to, as you put it, strategicly use boundaries. I kind of flip flop from one extreme to the next, but i generally feel better when i keep people at a distance, evne though i know that the way i'm doing it isn't really healthy or fair let's say.
I'm not very close to my family, and wouldn't mind having no contact with them anymore, except for with my sister, she and i get along relatively well. I think that's because we endured the same kind of childhood.
I'm not sure what else to say, i enjoyed reading your story, Morrowrd, you seem to be doing well and i am glad about that.
I can really relate to your feeling of just wanting to run away and hide, Jessicat. Closeness just often doesn't seem to be worth it. The only problem is getting lonely and needing people.

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I have trouble with social norms and mores - and sometimes my communication and behavior caused people to think differently of me in a negative way after getting to know me.  In my late 20's, I started what I called personal reform, which was basically pressing the reset button on my life, and reforming everything about myself when it came to dealing with the world.  I focused on my behavior, my thought-life, my way of thinking; processing information, perception of the world around me, dealing with emotions, my spirituality, and my socialization. I emerged from personal reform by around 42, and ran my life differently from that point on using some of the various tools; life systems I like to call them.  I'm 52 now, so I haven't been "fixed" all that long.  I'm not really fixed either, just dealing with things more successfully than I used to.  Strategic boundaries were one of the tools I used.  I used to have trouble using boundaries period, just was another area I needed to work on.

Anyway, that last part, socialization - I used the system of strategic boundaries which can be easily described as compartmentalization to help manage that part of my life that caused alot of frustration. It began with a survey of all my relationships, determining where they were at, which one's needed more help and focus. Some relationships I had were good, some were neutral, some not so good, and some deteriorated into enemies.  I actually drew a map in the beginning, and that helped me get a birds-eye view of what my social environment looked like.  

In short, I had alot of fixing up to do when it came to myself, and when my relationships around me began to recalibrate, I drew borders around each one.  The successful relationships I paid attention to which environment they were in.. and at that point in time, all I had for socializing was work.  (socializing in this case means interaction with people, not really "socializing")  Conversations that were healthy I would keep those people in that box - all I would talk to them about would be those things.   

As time went on, there were people  involved in my various youth projects in the community.  I drew a box around that...and the ONLY time I had anything to do with those people, would be in that youth-project box.  If we bumped into each other outside of the box, I would be friendly, and politely not get into any discussions other than pleasantries (always tried to say hi, how're you doing, and see you later)  I avoided (and still do) anything deeper.   Work people, stay in the work box.  I NEVER initiate any get together outside of those various boxes.  I never go to get togethers, work parties, anything at all that is outside of those boxes.  I don't accept invitations to other people's homes either. I'll politely explain I have plans, but definitely will get together some other time. (which never happens)

The various collection of "boxes" continued to grow over time, I probably have about a half dozen of them. Groups of people or individuals I only interact with under certain conditions.

Make sense?

That does make sense. It's pretty admirable to me that you planned all of that out just to get more grip on your life back. Do you feel like keeping it this way helps you much? I wonder when reading it, if you never feel like you want to share something but have no one to share it with. I assume that's where your new wife comes in though? Then everything would work out.

Did you find it difficult to stick to your personal reform for as long as you did?

Hazed said:

That does make sense. It's pretty admirable to me that you planned all of that out just to get more grip on your life back. Do you feel like keeping it this way helps you much? I wonder when reading it, if you never feel like you want to share something but have no one to share it with. I assume that's where your new wife comes in though? Then everything would work out.

Did you find it difficult to stick to your personal reform for as long as you did?

Click to expand...

I discovered something about the success of personal reform that was, I don't know, maybe one of the negatives?  This happened after being with my wife, then girlfriend, for about 6 months.  I hope this doesn't sound icky to you, or anyone else reading this, but we are deeply in love.  It wasn't until her, that I experienced love like this....so there was some learning involved here.  OK, I was married for 23 years, I didn't even 'like' my ex wife yet I told her I loved her. After our separation, I went "girling" as they say in the old-west, and dated all kinds of women.  One was much younger, 15 years - blonde and pretty..and I was with her for 3 years.  Told her I loved her, and I did... didn't work out, and the woman I'm now with, works with me and had a crush on me the entire time. Since she's so pretty, and was married, I always never considered her as anything other than a friend.  She told me so many personal things about herself, and volunteered as one of my several 'parent-volunteers' with my area youth projects.  My son tells me he always knew she liked me, said it was obvious, yet I never saw it. Probably because I never thought someone like her, would be interested in someone like myself.

Anyway, she shared about her marriage alot. Her husband ignored her, never worked, and was very demeaning.  I used to try to give her advice on how to approach him, engage him.  I tried to help her, and her husband I used to like...he helped volunteer as well.  Later on, she disclosed how afraid of him she was, showed me some bruising on her arms.  At that point, she shared how she was trying to leave him..even in counseling, the counselor made it clear to him, your wife has had enough.  

Sorry for all this extra history, I have a bad habit of doing that.  To sum it up, I helped her get an order of protection, and then became her advocate.  During this time, it came out about her feelings for me, but never wanted to ruin our friendship by disclosing them.  So many instances she shared with me, and then I remembered.....

Back to the point, I love and adore her and who she is.  Sweet, nurturing, affectionate, not to mention she's absolutely beautiful - all lady.  We talk for hours and hours, even still three years into the relationship. So why was I being hurt, deeply hurt by her occasionally.  Being in love, for real, is different than the supposed 'love' in past relationships.  I learned that my life systems from personal reform put me on an auto-pilot.  I had ways of doing things, ways of communicating that made me successful in all the strategic boundary compartments. So much did I (and still do) rely on these systems, because they protect me from failure, that with this girl, I wasn't using life systems...I was being open, which led to triggers that had been buried.  It hit me probably at the third real conflict between us, another misunderstanding, where I realized I had triggers that caused pain, which was unrelated to her...  When you are really in love with someone, I wonder if this is what happens, to everyone.  Thus after all that hard work in personal reform, I found that being with her, taught me something about myself that I would NEVER have learned without her and this loving relationship.

One thing else I learned about true love..... I had feelings I never experienced before, but knew exactly what they were.  I also compare this relationship with my previous ones and they are not even in the same stadium.  Like comparing baseball to football....this relationship has things in it, that didn't exist before.  My "life systems" were ongoing in all the previous ones, not here.  I didn't need them.

Did I find it hard to stick to this when I started the ball rolling?  Not at all, it became my whole life.  I was so desperate for help, and I found it.  I learned that when someone needs help bad enough, and is willing to do anything to get it, they WILL find help. Sometimes in unusual places.  My sources for knowledge and help came from unusual, and unique places.  The funny thing about this, when I began, it was like a 1000 piece puzzle.  A bit overwhelming.  Yet as I proceeded to fix things, I discovered how certain problems fixed themselves as I fixed seemingly unrelated issues.  The more I progressed, the faster things fixed and re calibrated in my favor.

I learned a hell of alot about other people, insight on things that other people don't have, all by working on myself.  Weird, but true.

And you're right about wanting to share this.  I discovered life wasn't as complicated as I once thought.  And that's why I started a new community youth program.  I took kids, and placed them in various environments, and taught them life systems using community service projects.  I'm not a volunteer or community person at heart, but they were the easiest means to an end to provide a "problem solving" environment.  It worked too, my son was embedded in the program growing up, and gave me feedback from the kids.  "Dad, they're learning exactly what you wanted them to learn."   

I ended the project a couple years ago, because I wanted to focus on this relationship. For the first time in my entire life, I am happy.  I want to give this woman the best life I can possibly give her.  I am grateful that she loves me and that I lived to experience what it's like to have real love, and to be in love.

Without personal reform however, I have told her she would have not liked, nor respected me.  So, yet here is another reward for all of that work.

Thank you for such a thoughtful piece of feedback.