I find suicidal ideation to be very comforting when my mood really goes down. No matter what happens, i can always end it. I'll always have a degree of control. It makes everything not as difficult to deal with. It also isolates me, i obviously can't tell people i think like this.
But it's also a circle. I'll feel slightly better knowing this, and then when things pick up a bit, i automaticly lose that comfort. I can't do it because this or that person, etc. And then i'm all alone again, with nothing to comfort me. That goes alright for as long as i keep myself busy, but when i have no obligations, nothing gets done, and my mood will drop. And it has to get so bad again that i can find comfort in these thoughts again without any guilt, and then it's back to square one.
It feels like that's all i really have. I find that with people, either they want to listen and help, but they're in a bad place themselves, so they really can't do anything that's actually helpful, or they're not in a bad place, and they won't really be interested in listening to what i really have to say, and just say "stop talking like that", Or some variation of it. So these thoughts are all i have for comfort. I don't mind it. It feels nice. I was wondering if anyone else has something similar.
Having said all this, i know i won't actually do it. When i feel bad enough to really approach that mindset, i'll be so down i won't get anything done, let alone plan something as elaborate as that. And when i am in the mood to get things done, i won't at all be in the mood for ending it.
Thanks for listening.
But it's also a circle. I'll feel slightly better knowing this, and then when things pick up a bit, i automaticly lose that comfort. I can't do it because this or that person, etc. And then i'm all alone again, with nothing to comfort me. That goes alright for as long as i keep myself busy, but when i have no obligations, nothing gets done, and my mood will drop. And it has to get so bad again that i can find comfort in these thoughts again without any guilt, and then it's back to square one.
It feels like that's all i really have. I find that with people, either they want to listen and help, but they're in a bad place themselves, so they really can't do anything that's actually helpful, or they're not in a bad place, and they won't really be interested in listening to what i really have to say, and just say "stop talking like that", Or some variation of it. So these thoughts are all i have for comfort. I don't mind it. It feels nice. I was wondering if anyone else has something similar.
Having said all this, i know i won't actually do it. When i feel bad enough to really approach that mindset, i'll be so down i won't get anything done, let alone plan something as elaborate as that. And when i am in the mood to get things done, i won't at all be in the mood for ending it.
Thanks for listening.