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A different way to cope
#1
I find suicidal ideation to be very comforting when my mood really goes down. No matter what happens, i can always end it. I'll always have a degree of control. It makes everything not as difficult to deal with. It also isolates me, i obviously can't tell people i think like this. 

But it's also a circle. I'll feel slightly better knowing this, and then when things pick up a bit, i automaticly lose that comfort. I can't do it because this or that person, etc. And then i'm all alone again, with nothing to comfort me. That goes alright for as long as i keep myself busy, but when i have no obligations, nothing gets done, and my mood will drop. And it has to get so bad again that i can find comfort in these thoughts again without any guilt, and then it's back to square one. 

It feels like that's all i really have. I find that with people, either they want to listen and help, but they're in a bad place themselves, so they really can't do anything that's actually helpful, or they're not in a bad place, and they won't really be interested in listening to what i really have to say, and just say "stop talking like that", Or some variation of it. So these thoughts are all i have for comfort. I don't mind it. It feels nice. I was wondering if anyone else has something similar.

Having said all this, i know i won't actually do it. When i feel bad enough to really approach that mindset, i'll be so down i won't get anything done, let alone plan something as elaborate as that. And when i am in the mood to get things done, i won't at all be in the mood for ending it. 

Thanks for listening.
Happiness is a false God.
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#2
Someone actually said 'Stop talking like that'? - ugh! That irritated me just reading it. It's like when people say 'Seeing you sad makes me sad' - like they're trying to guilt you into being cheerful.

I'd be lying if I never thought of 'ending it' myself - I wouldn't in my current state because I know there are people worse off, and I do cling onto this small hope that maybe things'll change - however I sometimes worry about the future. Being all alone after my mother's gone. Ending up homeless because I can't afford to live. But I tell myself that there is a way out if I do hit rock bottom to the point of being unable to cope with it. I just hope it never comes to that.

Sorry if I rambled - those were just my thoughts Smile
'When the pack rejects their weakest member, he learns to adapt and to find his own way.  He is the lone wolf.'
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#3
I also feel like it’s comforting to know that I could end it if I wanted too.
Almost like a romance in some ways. 

And yes, I agree Lone Wolf: 😜 (yes I’m talking to you hewhowalksalone)
People who try and guilt me into being cheerful for their own gain is pretty awful. Why reveal your own selfishness in such an ugly manner. Just say it to my face so il stop talking to you! 
😂
We all have demons, I just choose to feed mine.
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#4
Big Grin
'When the pack rejects their weakest member, he learns to adapt and to find his own way.  He is the lone wolf.'
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#5
😄
We all have demons, I just choose to feed mine.
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#6
(11-25-2018, 09:00 PM)Hazed Wrote: I find suicidal ideation to be very comforting when my mood really goes down. No matter what happens, i can always end it.
[...]
It feels like that's all i really have. I find that with people, either they want to listen and help, but they're in a bad place themselves, so they really can't do anything that's actually helpful, or they're not in a bad place, and they won't really be interested in listening to what i really have to say, and just say "stop talking like that", Or some variation of it. So these thoughts are all i have for comfort. I don't mind it. It feels nice. I was wondering if anyone else has something similar.

I can relate to this a lot. Actually, I think I don't even need to be in a bad place, it's just enjoyable to know that I can end it whenever and that's it - doesn't matter how superfluous the reason for me to think about it was. I don't even get mad anymore, I just picture ways of killing myself until I'm distracted from the thing that upset me. "That can't be your answer to everything"... watch me!

It's good to have people that ground you a bit, tho. Don't be too upset with them.
[Image: tumblr_nijo7fZHBz1qg20oho1_500.gif]
"Being young and dipped in folly, I fell in love with melancholy"
-Edgar A. Poe
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#7
Club If it came to it, you could even take someone who's pissed you off with you.



I kid, of course...



Or do I?
'When the pack rejects their weakest member, he learns to adapt and to find his own way.  He is the lone wolf.'
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#8
Haha. 😆
I’m laughing it off.
Or am I?

🤪
We all have demons, I just choose to feed mine.
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#9
(11-25-2018, 09:00 PM)Hazed Wrote: I find suicidal ideation to be very comforting when my mood really goes down. No matter what happens, i can always end it. I'll always have a degree of control. It makes everything not as difficult to deal with. It also isolates me, i obviously can't tell people i think like this. 

But it's also a circle. I'll feel slightly better knowing this, and then when things pick up a bit, i automaticly lose that comfort. I can't do it because this or that person, etc. And then i'm all alone again, with nothing to comfort me. That goes alright for as long as i keep myself busy, but when i have no obligations, nothing gets done, and my mood will drop. And it has to get so bad again that i can find comfort in these thoughts again without any guilt, and then it's back to square one. 

It feels like that's all i really have. I find that with people, either they want to listen and help, but they're in a bad place themselves, so they really can't do anything that's actually helpful, or they're not in a bad place, and they won't really be interested in listening to what i really have to say, and just say "stop talking like that", Or some variation of it. So these thoughts are all i have for comfort. I don't mind it. It feels nice. I was wondering if anyone else has something similar.

Having said all this, i know i won't actually do it. When i feel bad enough to really approach that mindset, i'll be so down i won't get anything done, let alone plan something as elaborate as that. And when i am in the mood to get things done, i won't at all be in the mood for ending it. 

Thanks for listening.

This is such a hard circle to be experiencing.  I was in it for 25 years never understanding my worth to anyone in the world.  I thank God I never succeeded.  Please hear this there is hope!  You can get off the wheel of pain.  There are some really good therapists out there that can help you get off it.  For me it was Jesus that took me off.  I replaced the pain with Him and surrendered the pain I had and He replaced it with joy.  I pray this for you.  -Rachel
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#10
(11-29-2018, 06:23 AM)Rachelm2535 Wrote: This is such a hard circle to be experiencing.  I was in it for 25 years never understanding my worth to anyone in the world.  I thank God I never succeeded.  Please hear this there is hope!  You can get off the wheel of pain.  There are some really good therapists out there that can help you get off it.  For me it was Jesus that took me off.  I replaced the pain with Him and surrendered the pain I had and He replaced it with joy.  I pray this for you.  -Rachel

I don't know how to do this, and probably more importantly i find it very scary. It also feels like giving up to me, even if it isn't. I'm glad it helped you though.

(11-26-2018, 08:40 AM)DarkSelene Wrote: I can relate to this a lot. Actually, I think I don't even need to be in a bad place, it's just enjoyable to know that I can end it whenever and that's it - doesn't matter how superfluous the reason for me to think about it was. I don't even get mad anymore, I just picture ways of killing myself until I'm distracted from the thing that upset me. "That can't be your answer to everything"... watch me!

It's good to have people that ground you a bit, tho. Don't be too upset with them.

Yeah, as long as it works, why not have it be the answer. Don't you find it difficult to think of that when you're not in a bad place? For me at that point a feeling of guilt sets in.

I don't really get upset with them, i know they mean well. It just makes me feel worse, and after it, i generally stop talking about the stuff that i feel they didnt adequately respond to. 

(11-25-2018, 10:25 PM)hewhowalksalone Wrote: Someone actually said 'Stop talking like that'? - ugh! That irritated me just reading it.  It's like when people say 'Seeing you sad makes me sad' - like they're trying to guilt you into being cheerful.

I'd be lying if I never thought of 'ending it' myself - I wouldn't in my current state because I know there are people worse off, and I do cling onto this small hope that maybe things'll change - however I sometimes worry about the future.  Being all alone after my mother's gone.  Ending up homeless because I can't afford to live.  But I tell myself that there is a way out if I do hit rock bottom to the point of being unable to cope with it.  I just hope it never comes to that.

Sorry if I rambled - those were just my thoughts Smile

Don't worry, you're okay.

I don't feel like they're trying to guilt me into anything, it's just their response.

Yeah, there's always a way out, and knowing that sort of makes it easier to deal with. I hope you don't end up homeless though.

(11-25-2018, 11:16 PM)Jessicat Wrote: I also feel like it’s comforting to know that I could end it if I wanted too.
Almost like a romance in some ways. 

I suppose it is, in a way i feel that it sort of keeps me from being really connected with other people, too.
Happiness is a false God.
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