What would you do when someone you don't want to date may be your only option?

I'm sure you've all heard this story before. Man is single. Man is lonely. Man can't get women to even look his way. Man does not know why, for he is a nice guy. If I told you this story, that would be a lie. Because I have the option to end all that tomorrow if I wanted to. The catch is that I would need to start dating someone I REALLY don't want to. 

I met this girl a few years ago at a small house gathering, since then she's been somewhat omnipresent in our social circle. Now, on a purely platonic level of friendship, I don't dislike her. Not by a long stretch. However, her body language and mannerisms around me are an obvious indicator that she wants more. She's quite 'huggy' towards me on most group outings. Sure, alcohol is involved, but I believe this to be a smokescreen rather than a genuine loss of inhibitions. It's one of those, 'she knows that I know that she knows' situations. She's 'huggy' because she knows I won't tell her to back off out of fear of causing a scene. But up to this point, she's never tried to kiss me, as she likely believes that this is where I'd draw the line. I would have written this off as short term infatuation, only I'd met her towards the end of 2016, and we're fast approaching 2019.....

So, you're probably thinking: "Beggars can't be choosers, right? She's clearly interested in you, so why not take the plunge?" Well, this may be shallow on my part, but........ I'm just not attracted to her in that way. For three reasons. 

*She turned 18 this year. Where as I'm 32. The age difference between us is a few years short of driving a car. 
*At the certainty of sounding like a superficial ******* in this forum, she's........ a few weight classes above me. 
*Her family background can best be described as the Australian equivalent of 'trailer park trash', (or chavs in the UK dialect). Alot of that mentality has rubbed off on her, and for someone like me who's lived a sheltered teenage/early adulthood life, it's alot to stomach. 

But, despite my reasoning, this is likely the only prospect I'll ever receive for a proper relationship. I really don't want to take this chance, but I feel that if I don't, there'll be no chances after it. So forum. I ask this question: What is more shallow? Not taking a chance for a relationship because they don't fit any of your criteria, or entering a potentially unhappy relationship just to gain the title of 'has a girlfriend'?

If you aren't attracted to a person, then that person isn't actually an "option." (or shouldn't be)

It really is that simple.

Let me ask you a question. You say you "don't dislike her" but do you "like" her?

I'm not one of those people who is going to say that attraction has to be there, because it's not always there at first. That is something that can come later, after you get to know someone on a more personal level.

The age difference could be an issue, if it's going to bother you, but it doesn't have to be a deal breaker. As for the weight, that can be lost, if she chooses to lose it. The same can be said for how she grew up and her speech and mannerisms now. I'm NOT saying you can/should change her, I'm saying that she can choose to change, if she wishes to. But, on the other hand, you could ask her to do things, such as go on walks, etc etc.

So, back to my original question...You say "potentially unhappy relationship," which would imply that it could potentially be happy too, right? You should definitely not get into a relationship just to be in a relationship. What I am saying is that you never know unless you try. So, instead of telling us all her negative aspects, what are her positive aspects?

TheRealCallie said:

Let me ask you a question.  You say you "don't dislike her" but do you "like" her?

I'm not one of those people who is going to say that attraction has to be there, because it's not always there at first.  That is something that can come later, after you get to know someone on a more personal level.  

The age difference could be an issue, if it's going to bother you, but it doesn't have to be a deal breaker.  As for the weight, that can be lost, if she chooses to lose it.  The same can be said for how she grew up and her speech and mannerisms now.  I'm NOT saying you can/should change her, I'm saying that she can choose to change, if she wishes to.  But, on the other hand, you could ask her to do things, such as go on walks, etc etc.  

So, back to my original question...You say "potentially unhappy relationship," which would imply that it could potentially be happy too, right?  You should definitely not get into a relationship just to be in a relationship.  What I am saying is that you never know unless you try.  So, instead of telling us all her negative aspects, what are her positive aspects?

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He should get into a relationships with a teenager, someone he's clearly not interested in physically (or emotionally it seems) in the hope that she might undergoe some drastic changes? How stupid, crazy and trollish this sounds.

OP ...You know the score here. She's 18. That's barely but not really an adult. The age difference is going to be subject you to all sorts of judgements from your family and circle of acquaintances.

Plus there's a chance she's the kind nutty attention seeker who will withdraw the moment you return the interest, deny she was ever interested then make you out to be some sort of creep. Being a male in your 30s, that would be pretty easy to do.

ardour said:

TheRealCallie said:

Let me ask you a question.  You say you "don't dislike her" but do you "like" her?

I'm not one of those people who is going to say that attraction has to be there, because it's not always there at first.  That is something that can come later, after you get to know someone on a more personal level.  

The age difference could be an issue, if it's going to bother you, but it doesn't have to be a deal breaker.  As for the weight, that can be lost, if she chooses to lose it.  The same can be said for how she grew up and her speech and mannerisms now.  I'm NOT saying you can/should change her, I'm saying that she can choose to change, if she wishes to.  But, on the other hand, you could ask her to do things, such as go on walks, etc etc.  

So, back to my original question...You say "potentially unhappy relationship," which would imply that it could potentially be happy too, right?  You should definitely not get into a relationship just to be in a relationship.  What I am saying is that you never know unless you try.  So, instead of telling us all her negative aspects, what are her positive aspects?

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He should get into a relationships with a teenager, someone he's clearly not interested in physically (or emotionally it seems) in the hope that she might undergoe some drastic change in appearance? Do you realize how stupid this sounds?

To the OP ...You know the score here. She's 18 and that's age difference is going to be subject you to all sorts of nasty judgements from your peers.

Plus, there's a chance she's the kind nutty attention seeker who could withdraw the moment you return the interest, make you out to be some sort of creeper.

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Never said anything about a "drastic" change.  All I said was the honeysuckle he mentioned can be changed, IF she wishes to change it.  And quite honestly, he didn't give a whole lot of information on how he feels, other than her mannerisms are a bit much and she has a few extra pounds. 
As for her age, she is a legal adult, so I fail to see the problem.  Could they get honeysuckle for the age difference?  Yes, they could.  Does it really matter?  No, not really, unless you let it.  Age is just a **** number.  My grandparents were 18 years apart...and yes, they were together right after she turned 18.  They were happily married for almost 50 years. 

ALL I said was to stop looking at the negatives and look at her positives.  I believe I also said that he should NOT date her just to have a girlfriend. There are unknowns in everything he writes, so all I said was look at it from a NOT negative perspective and go from there.  Attraction CAN come later, it's not impossible.  Especially when you are looking at things with a negative aspect, especially when you are considering having a girlfriend just to have a girlfriend.  So why the hell not give it a chance.  Worse case scenario, it doesn't work out.  How can you know unless you try?  You can't.

If you're not attracted to her, you're not attracted... I don't see how that would make you sound like a "superficial *******"...

I don't think you should date someone just to be in a relationship... Yet people do it all the time...

You might get some crap for the age difference, and why take that on if you're not even into her? I know age isn't a big deal for some people, but most of the world is pretty judgemental about that sort of thing.

It's your life... And I don't know the whole story, I'm sure. But if it were me, I wouldn't settle for someone I didn't feel anything for just for the sake of not being alone.

ardour said:

He should get into a relationships with a teenager, someone he's clearly not interested in physically (or emotionally it seems) in the hope that she might undergoe some drastic changes?  How stupid, crazy and trollish this sounds.

OP ...You know the score here. She's 18. That's barely  but not really an adult. The age difference is going to be subject you to all sorts of judgements from your family and circle of acquaintances.

Plus there's a chance she's the kind nutty attention seeker who will withdraw the moment you return the interest, deny she was ever interested then make you out to be some sort of creep. Being a male in your 30s, that would be pretty easy to do.

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Yeah, this is the same train of thought I have about the whole thing too. But the question I ask here is: Is it shallow of me to think like this? And am I wrong to do so? 

While I think the family would judge me harshly on the age difference, my circle of friends, not so much, since we're in the same social circle(but that's a whole other minefield to navigate). 

On the last point, I don't think she has it in her. That being said, I have been burnt by the kind of behaviour before, where someone I thought was interested in me withdrew their interest the moment I attempted to reciprocate (or was never interested to begin with, and I just had the wrong idea). But I don't think this one has the personality for it. 

The keyword here, is 'think'. 

TheRealCallie said:

Never said anything about a "drastic" change.  All I said was the honeysuckle he mentioned can be changed, IF she wishes to change it.  And quite honestly, he didn't give a whole lot of information on how he feels, other than her mannerisms are a bit much and she has a few extra pounds. 
As for her age, she is a legal adult, so I fail to see the problem.  Could they get honeysuckle for the age difference?  Yes, they could.  Does it really matter?  No, not really, unless you let it.  Age is just a **** number.  My grandparents were 18 years apart...and yes, they were together right after she turned 18.  They were happily married for almost 50 years. 

ALL I said was to stop looking at the negatives and look at her positives.  I believe I also said that he should NOT date her just to have a girlfriend. There are unknowns in everything he writes, so all I said was look at it from a NOT negative perspective and go from there.  Attraction CAN come later, it's not impossible.  Especially when you are looking at things with a negative aspect, especially when you are considering having a girlfriend just to have a girlfriend.  So why the hell not give it a chance.  Worse case scenario, it doesn't work out.  How can you know unless you try?  You can't.

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I've never understood this whole concept of not needing to be attracted to someone to date them, or enter into a relationship with them. I mean, maybe it would make more sense in say, an arranged marriage. But when one is acting on their own free agency, isn't attraction needed as a motivating catalyst? Otherwise, why would you? Out of curiosity? But then that would have to imply some kind of attraction. 

As for positive attributes about the girl in question. I think she's quite smart, considering the kind of upbringing she's had, and the people she's been around. Aside from that, overlapping tastes in music? Yes, she has other positive traits, but none that other females friends don't also have. Remember how I said she's in the same social circle. A breakup would see me ostracized from that group, and there are no other social circles I can attach myself to. I feel like I'd have to be all in to take this chance, and I'm just not. But, the question I ask again: Is it shallow of me to not take an offered chance because I'm not attracted to the person, or is it shallow of me to take the chance despite a lack of attraction because I want a girlfriend?

Being single isn't an illness, affliction or tragedy. If you're not into someone don't date them. And don't date someone just to avoid being single.

I wouldn't call it shallow in either case... In the first instance it's just you reacting to how you feel... In the second case you are taking a chance because you don't want to be alone. Taking a chance implies that you are hoping for it to go well, and that you will both grow to like each other... If you were dating her as a placeholder just until something better came along... That would be shallow.

Nobody's going to pursue you if you're already seeing somebody else - and that person might be someone you may actually like! So it's probably in your best interest NOT to date this girl if you don't really like her in that way.

imho you'd only be shallow and a 'superficial *******' when you do decide to date her. You have literally no good things to say about her. Women aren't there to just please you. If you don't like her, then don't date her. Don't waste her time.

Rainbows said:

imho you'd only be shallow and a 'superficial *******' when you do decide to date her. You have literally no good things to say about her. Women aren't there to just please you. If you don't like her, then don't date her. Don't waste her time.

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^ this

I don't think anyone would be pleased in this scenario and in every relationship people are using each other for something. Even so, no one would be happy there and it'd be very foolish to start anything with someone you're clearly not interested in.

Honestly, sounds like you're trying to forgive yourself for thinking of it and I doubt anyone here can help with that.

Personally I wouldn't date someone just to be in a relationship; but a vast number of people do settle for mediocre all the time and do make a go of it, although a lot also seperate eventually as well; and sometimes we don't know what we're looking for until we find it so giving folk a try can be good.

However, in your situation, I would be more interested in thinking about what this girl is showing me about me? Sounds like you're thinking you would like to be with someone just not this person; so maybe at present it's about focusing your energies there, and asking other women out, or doing things to meet new people.

I also can't help but feel a bit sorry for this girl, she's 18, little life and relationship experience. I think she deserves to be treated with kindness and respect, like we all do. I'd be inclined to speak with her and tell her in the kindness way, you're flattered but really not interested in anything else but a social friendship. She needs to know then the desire will stop, hopefully, and she'll move on; but that's what you fear huh, that you'll be cutting yourself off.

Thing is, it seems to me that to do the right thing by the both of you is to be clear with her and end 'the possibility'. Say you really liked someone and she felt as you do now, and she strung you along, sometimes wanting you sometimes not, you wouldn't want this hey? You'd want to know where you stand.

You're much older than her with more life expereince, perhaps you need to show her how to let someone down gently and that things can still be ok between the two of you when out in future - and let this go. I personally feel we all need to be honest about how we feel, however difficult it is to find the words sometimes - I also understand this can take a lot of practice and requires courage sometimes; but it's also known as respect hey, for self and others.

Be kind, be the man a woman wants in her life, be the man that leaves you feeling self worth and a man with heart and integrity - well that's what I think anyway. And you certainly don't know what is around the corner, this is not your last chance, but there will undoubtedly be things you can do to increase your chances.

My guy, I hate to say this but you shouldn’t date her. Guys aren’t entitled to women simply because, “I’m a nice guy!” You have not one nice things to say about her, that isn’t being a nice guy. In my experience, women love nice guys, it’s just that most aren’t as nice as they think. Sometimes we need to love ourselves before we love others.

I would not date her... its not fair to her or to you. Let her find someone that is attracted to her and likes her more than a friend... and give yourself time to find the right person for you.

hewhowalksalone said:

Nobody's going to pursue you if you're already seeing somebody else - and that person might be someone you may actually like!  So it's probably in your best interest NOT to date this girl if you don't really like her in that way.

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Most men don't ever get pursued, but yes good point, being involved with her could possibly prevent the OP from finding someone suitable.

Sounds like she could be a good friend to have around but not a romantic partner. Edit: On second thoughts, she probably wouldn't be the best person to have as a friend either.

Not a good idea to date someone out of fear there won't be anyone else. And from my experience, the average 18 year old Australian girl is extremely immature - not the type you want a relationship with. Look for 22+.

Definitely do not lead her on to a relationship if you have no interest in her. Also She may have some daddy issues, or someone her own age may come along that she has more in common with, and it's adios amigo. Trust me the right person for you is out there, you may just be looking in the wrong places.

Don't. Just getting into a relationship for the sake of it turns into a terrible situation for everyone involved. I also have increased doubts that attraction can develop since you have already known her for over a year. You already recognized that being smart and having overlapping tastes in music is something plenty of people have, but this is hardly all you can build a relationship on, in my opinion. I had people like that in my life too. I think it requires other kinds of common ground. Don't feel shallow. We all have preferences and certain standards, implicit or explicit. I don't think the option of asking her to adjust her mannerisms and to lose weight later is on the table either because if the baseline attraction is not even there yet, it will just turn into a project and that really shouldn't happen.

Just do not act out of sense of desperation, loneliness, let alone a sense of duty to reciprocate.