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Happy, but lonely
#1
I don't know if I am actually "lonely," although I spend my days alone.  I suppose I don't feel "lonely" because this is a manner of living for me, it's just a general descriptor of my days.
I didn't grow up this way, per se.  I had a wonderful family, I had some friends... but slowly along the way, I spent more and more time alone. 

There isn't one encompassing reason to explain this; there were each some push and pull factors; including, honestly, that I do enjoy many solitary activities.  Regardless of the causation, today I spend my days alone.  
I have a lot of happiness in my life, I enjoy a successful career, I enjoy hobbies, I even enjoy [what I call] "acquaintances"... these are people whom I enjoy conversation and "warmth" with for short periods of time (including coworkers, interactions with cashiers, etc).  I may even text/call some of these people for friendly conversation.  However, these relationships are all very surface-level relationships; we don't know anything about each other beyond the friendly interactions, we don't spend any time together outside of obligatory shared environments.

I feel awkward and out of place in social situations, largely because I spend a lot of time hyper-analyzing situations and conversations.  It's strange, because I am able to interact and connect with people just fine (and even with some skill) when I am in a work situation or some other situation that is brought about through obligation or defined parameters (work, school, hairdressers, cashiers, etc); it is only when the situation becomes purely "optional" and "social" that I become awkward and out of place.  It is confusing for people who meet me first in those "defined" environments, because they meet me and find me to be friendly, warm, inviting, and not-awkward...... and then later they may even invite me out for socializing, which I happily accept... but then when I arrive, I suddenly change?  I am no longer the friendly and engaging person they knew, instead I am awkward and fumbling and quiet.

I don't feel lonely, for the most part... but I know I am.  There is some unfulfilled portion of my heart, that could only be filled with meaningful friendships.
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#2
It's as though I'm responding to my own post. Hope things get better for you.
To quote a popular werewolf film - 'Everyone's cursed.  It's called life'
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#3
I tend to be able to keep acquaintances better than close friendships. Usually I say something to damn dark and they get scared. Lol.
Wish there were more out there with some balls. Most folks give me the impression that they don’t want to dive under the surface, they just want to stay at the top with the rest and be able to breath easy with as few worries as possible. I can understand that. Maybe I would’ve been the same if things were different.
However, it gets lonely here at the bottom of the sea.
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#4
Its inside you, the ability to communicate and establish meaningful bonds, the ability to project warmth.  Its only when you are not thinking about it that your skills come out.

I am in the same boat more or less. The happy, outgoing, welcoming socialite at work or uni but, silent, awkward, even off-putting at social gatherings. Too busy analyzing facial expressions, trying to put words together in my head, and, most of all, using too much energy on my own facial expressions to the point where I forget how to smile without looking like psychopath. 

Other times, when I am too deep inside my head, I get stone faced. I alternate between these states so much that some acquaintances started calling me dexter.

I try to stay in the social state by keeping busy with work and training but it doesn't last. Sooner or later my head starts to throb and I can't think straight. Although, back when I was boxing, I didn't alternate between states at all, I was actually at peace back then.

Sorry for ranting so long on your thread.....oh and welcome to the forum.
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#5
(12-09-2018, 06:51 PM)Jessicat Wrote: I tend to be able to keep acquaintances better than close friendships. Usually I say something to damn dark and they get scared. Lol.
Wish there were more out there with some balls. Most folks give me the impression that they don’t want to dive under the surface, they just want to stay at the top with the rest and be able to breath easy with as few worries as possible. I can understand that. Maybe I would’ve been the same if things were different.
However, it gets lonely here at the bottom of the sea.

I often wonder how many people in the sea of "acquaintances" are just like you and me: people who want to create deeper relationships, but are unable to make it happen.  I try to take into consideration that out of every 10 people I meet, surely at least 1 one of them feels this way... this inspires me to continue searching and attempting to create connection.  

I think the truth for me is that I have little-to-no experience with doing this, consequently I have not developed the skill for it.  I feel that I need to re-learn and develop these skills, but how?  When you're floating along in the crashing currents of those who already learned relational skills, how do you stay afloat at their pace?

I've tried the "Meetup.com" and other such services, it works, somewhat.  But it's hard to create friendship with people whom you only see periodically, because let's face it: It's hard to force yourself to go out with people you barely know, and then to do it enough times to actually create meaningful bonds. (even harder when each person is struggling with that same thing, so even though you may show up a few times in a row, doesn't mean the same person you met before will also show up, if that makes sense)

(12-10-2018, 01:41 AM)Phantimos Wrote: Its inside you, the ability to communicate and establish meaningful bonds, the ability to project warmth.  Its only when you are not thinking about it that your skills come out.

I am in the same boat more or less. The happy, outgoing, welcoming socialite at work or uni but, silent, awkward, even off-putting at social gatherings. Too busy analyzing facial expressions, trying to put words together in my head, and, most of all, using too much energy on my own facial expressions to the point where I forget how to smile without looking like psychopath. 

Other times, when I am too deep inside my head, I get stone faced. I alternate between these states so much that some acquaintances started calling me dexter.

I try to stay in the social state by keeping busy with work and training but it doesn't last. Sooner or later my head starts to throb and I can't think straight. Although, back when I was boxing, I didn't alternate between states at all, I was actually at peace back then.

Sorry for ranting so long on your thread.....oh and welcome to the forum.


This happens to me, my mind is so full of thoughts and analyzing situations and conversations.  It is distracting and damaging.  Funny, because I also spend time in the gym, partially in attempt to stay social.  Smile

Lately I have been thinking "Why can't I tell a good 'story'?"  
What I mean by this is, you may ask someone at work "How was your weekend?" And then they are able to create a colorful conversation from a 'story' they tell about their weekend.  They tell you about the dinner they went to with friends, and how they ran into their ex there, and how that turned into drinks, and how the next day they had the most horrible hangover, but they were still able to take the dog on the walk and enjoy the sunshine, etc, etc, etc.  They created a conversation you can engage in, and at the same time you gain insight into their life and feel closer to them - and voila!  A connection is made and deepened!
..... but me?  Someone asks me "How was your weekend?"  I may have had the same colorful, interesting weekend... but all I can say is "Oh it was fine, I had some dinner with friends and walked the dog.... how was your weekend?"

Although I love humanity, and I crave deep friendships... because of how much 'work' my mind has to do to keep a social situation afloat, I often find that I fatigue quickly and lose what little social charm I was attempting to put forth.
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#6
I agree with the whole meetup thing - even if you go to multiple events, they involve a different group of people every time. It's also difficult to form connections.

I worked today. That's all I did. The others at my workplace have conversations with eachother, but I just work. When we all go home at the end I just go into the staff room where they are all nattering, grab my coat, and leave the room with my head low. Because, truthfully, I don't know what the heck to say to any of 'em.

How it's always been. You're certainly not alone there. Smile
To quote a popular werewolf film - 'Everyone's cursed.  It's called life'
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#7
I think there are a lot of people out there that’s just as lonely. Wish there were something that would make us recognize each other. Maybe a blue glowing aura that only shines when you walk near another one that feels the same. That would be a wonderful thing. Walking down the street, suddenly you start to radiate this beautiful blue glow shining brighter with each step you take. The same glow you see on the person walking towards you.
*dreaming*
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#8
(12-10-2018, 07:23 AM)Jessicat Wrote: I think there are a lot of people out there that’s just as lonely. Wish there were something that would make us recognize each other. Maybe a blue glowing aura that only shines when you walk near another one that feels the same. That would be a wonderful thing. Walking down the street, suddenly you start to radiate this beautiful blue glow shining brighter with each step you take. The same glow you see on the person walking towards you.
*dreaming*

If only...Wouldn't that be something?
[Image: giphy.gif]
I'm never lonely on two wheels
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#9
Hey everyone
Can relate to this post a lot. I've tried to get involved more in groups in the past, only Ive found that the further I venture in I start to struggle with the politcis, the hierarchies and the social rules. I feel good and that I can connect when I strike up a funny conversation with strangers, say when we're all in a waiting room together, it does seem to meet a social need. There is a part of me that wonders if this is because on an unconcious level I know these people need nothing else from me? But put me in a room under the heading 'now is the time you are supposed to be funny and sociable' and I crumble, so much so I don't bother these days.

I agree with the above, over thinking it kills something, when it's a natural response it seems to flow. I've often felt though that it's me, that I fear letting folk in and what that will bring. I recently left a social group that had started to develop into more meaningful relationships and I don't miss it one bit, I found myself doing loads of stuff I didnt really want to do, but also that there were moments when I was required to be relaxed and engaging and I just felt utterly lost, and it seemed to me that others didnt have this difficulty at all. They were all clealry better practiced, cos I reckon that is all it is really, the more you do it the better you get at it, Ive been better myself at it when Ive done it more and those who seem good at it do it alot. Thing is, I'd rather be doing other things.

I seem to take a lot of pleasure from solitary projects too - guess some people would say that is sad, even pity me for being alone, but I like it this way, it doesn't feel wrong to me at all, it feels natural and fulfilling, it feels more that it is good to have let go of the 'I should really make an effort to be sociable thing' and please myself these days.
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#10
Natural and fulfilling is exactly how I would put it, Twiggy.
To quote a popular werewolf film - 'Everyone's cursed.  It's called life'
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