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hitch1983

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Got back on the wagon so to speak and dated a girl.

Tried to go into it with the advice from here and as a result i had one of the best dates of my life.  I was relaxed and less stressed.

Its a girl from online again. The connection was almost instantaneous from the first message.  Really flirty and the conversation interesting and more importantly a 2 way street.  So it naturally progressed to swapping numbers and talking on the phone (the next test).

That was equally as good, we talked to each other for hours some nights.  Apart from tire me out from the late nights, i was feeling positive and good.

so next test was a date.  The timeline from first message to date was 5 days.  Monday first message, Friday night the date.

The date also went great and as i said i tried to take the tips given on here and i really relaxed and enjoyed myself.  So did she, as she kissed me 3 times towards the end of the date.

We even had a lengthy phone call to each other, once we got back home and we both agreed it went well and should meet again.

So saturday just progressed as saturdays usually do for me, gym, chores etc whilst texting her.  In constant communication all the way through the day.

Sat night she had a party and let her hair down, a family party.  She got a bit drunk but we still were texting back n forth during the night.

All was well, no signs of anything being wrong.  

We sorta made plans that night to meet up on sunday next day.  Now i know she was tipsy or drunk, whatever and you cant trust plans in that condition and i didnt expect anything to happen really and they didnt in the end.  She was too hungover. 

Buts its sudden abruption and change of atmosphere thats really confused me.

SHe told me she suffers from anxiety and i guess with anxiety comes depression.  From what i know of her and how she was with me, she looked like she was battling it well and it wasnt a big play on her life as it used to be.  Maybe im wrong, i dont know much about her, its only a week.

But that sunday, she sent 3 messages in the morning and then nothing at all till night when i asked whats going on? whats happened, whats wrong?

she never really gave me answer, other than ive had a really bad with anxiety and that was it.  Nothing else.

Still not had a reply or communication with her today.  Sent her a message that im here for her and i care and hope we can get past this etc.  but nothing.

So what the hell do i do?  It makes it even more hard, because another dating website im part of, not the one we met off, i came across her profile on there by chance and she was online.

I know that doesnt really mean anything.  I get messages from time to time, doesnt mean im in communication with anyone.  just means ive accessed the site for whatever reason.  But its a edge to the story which makes me feel really uneasy and anxious myself.

Especially when it went so well between us.  I dont know what to do and im cut up about the whole thing.  It hurts.
 
We're all damaged to some degree, but it's worth baring in mind that it's often those with more damage that will gravitate to the the 'online' dating scene. Believe me, I've been there, seen it, done it, and sworn well off of it for that reason.

You'd be far better off cultivating an amazing relationship with yourself that looking, with intent, for a relationship with another.

Most of us don't choose to do that because it's a lot harder.

Tl;dr - if you're gonna use internet dating, accept you'll get messed around.
 
Ohh. I’m sorry that you are hurting. 😔
Only thing I can say is that when you are dealing with mental illness it can make you’re days go up and down. Some days I’m on a roll and am feeling content, others I’m so low it gets dangerous. Sounds like she had some days where she was feeling great and then a low period hit her. Not that I know this for sure. It may ofc be other reasons why she isn’t contacting you. 
However.
All you can do is make sure she knows that you are there for her. From there on it’s just a waiting game really. Then you have to decide how long you are going to wait.
 
Maybe something happened and she couldn't go out and she's not comfortable divulging that information to someone she had one date with. Give her a day or two, or maybe even a week and try again. Clearly something happened on her end, that doesn't mean it has anything to do with you.
 
Seems like you're communicating a lot and that's putting a lot of expectation on her and aggravating these issues. Alternatiively, she could just be being polite and inventing the anxiety thing to keep you at arm's length.

"Sent her a message that im here for her and i care and hope we can get past this etc. but nothing."

Whoa...pump the brakes. That's a weird way to be talking to be someone you've only known a week. Alarm bells weird. I don't know about other people, but daily continuous texting between people who've just met doesn't seem normal to me. Perhaps ease off a bit and give her some time? At least a few days.

If I remember correctly you have a history of getting intense with women too early on. It destroys any chemistry that might have been there and could send that message that you're a potential problem person.

(You're here for advice so there it is...)
 
ardour said:
Seems like you're communicating a lot and  that's  putting a lot of expectation on her and aggravating these issues.  Alternatiively, she could just be being polite and inventing the anxiety thing to keep you at arm's length.

"Sent her a message that im here for her and i care and hope we can get past this etc.  but nothing."

Christ. That's a weird way to talking to  be someone you've only known a week.  Alarm bells weird.  I don't know about other people, but daily continuous texting between people who've just met  doesn't seem normal to me. Perhaps ease off a bit and give her some time? At least a few days.

If I remember correctly you have a history of getting too intense with people too early on, and this seems to be the case again.

i gave up and dragged an answer out of her.  Would i have got one after a couple of days, i doubt it but ill never know.

But im pretty sure the anxiety thing was bullshit.  The online presence on another dating site and showing online of the method of communication we were talking through, tells me that a sceptical story to believe, i wont know for sure, but ill bet my house on it.

Why did she suddenly go cold?  I dont know, ill never know.  I never went in too heavy till now.  I played it as cool as we had been talking before the date.  You might not believe me on that, but from sat night to sunday night i only sent 3 messages,  which were on the lines of are you ok? and when she gave me the anxiety line, well i sent a message to seem caring and understanding.  because well things were great till that point.   after that i left it cool till 2nite.  

im pretty sure i would have just been ghosted, ill never know now but i dragged an answer out of her.  

now, its not done me any good and its essentially just gave her fuel to ditch me.  but how people can do this behaviour beats me.  call me ignorant or what  to dating life but i think thats just honeysuckle,

or maybe i just place too much faith in things, i dont know, but i would never treat people this way, i would be a responsible person and let them down as best as i could.  what happens after that, well its down to the person involved.

theres always the block button.

but im sick of this shitty way people treat dating.

im not the bad guy
 
When you meet someone in person, the dynamic has to change. They've become a person in your life, rather than a picture and words on a screen. I agree with ardour, the constant communication via text doesn't help.
 
AmyTheTemperamental said:
When you meet someone in person, the dynamic has to change. They've become a person in your life, rather than a picture and words on a screen. I agree with ardour, the constant communication via text doesn't help.

she was texting me and phoning me.  it wasnt a one way street. it was mutual.

we got on brilliantly and even the next day after the date  the dynamic stayed the same between us.  it was literally from sunday morning when she woke up from that party that she went all cold without any explanation.
 
"i gave up and dragged an answer out of her. Would i have got one after a couple of days, i doubt it but ill never know.

But im pretty sure the anxiety thing was bullshit. The online presence on another dating site and showing online of the method of communication we were talking through, tells me that a sceptical story to believe, i wont know for sure, but ill bet my house on it."

Clearly it was. Should have waited more than a couple of days.

"Why did she suddenly go cold? I dont know, ill never know. I never went in too heavy till now. I played it as cool as we had been talking before the date. You might not believe me on that, but from sat night to sunday night i only sent 3 messages which were on the lines of are you ok?"

Really, that's three too many.

Maybe send one text saying you had a good time and would like to meet up again, then leave it at that. That's more appropriate.

Unspecific questions like "are you okay" (okay in what way, about what, exactly?) imply that you're insecure and looking for reassurance. It doesn't come across as a genuine enquiry. And again, way too much too soon.

"Why did she suddenly go cold? I dont know, ill never know."

She was being polite and then it all got too much.

"or maybe i just place too much faith in things, i dont know, but i would never treat people this way, i would be a responsible person and let them down as best as i could. what happens after that, well its down to the person involved."

When was the last time you were on the end of series and messages from some woman you barely know, talking as if you'd been dating for a year or more?

"im not the bad guy"

Ghosting sucks but she's there's a limit to how much consideration she owes you in this situation. You weren't together.

Maybe deal with your insecurities and avoid displaying the behaviours that turn women off. Women don't like needy guys. Emotional vulnerability is generally unappealing, especially in men and particularly if it's shown very early on.
 
"I dragged an answer out of her" "I'm pretty sure the anxiety thing was bullshit" "but how people can do this behaviour beats me"

You dragged an answer out, basically forcing her to tell you anything, because you had ONE date? You think her saying she has anxiety is bullshit? But yet YOU can't understand HER behavior? All because she has profile on more than one dating site?

Most people go to more than one dating site, so I really fail to see anything wrong with that. Stop forcing answers out of people and BE PATIENT! You can't control everything, especially other people and you forcing answers out of her doesn't really do much for anxiety. And that's another thing, do you have anxiety? Do you know how EVERYONE deals with anxiety or how it presents itself in everyone? The answer to the latter would be no, no you don't.

My advice, chill the hell out and stop trying to force honeysuckle. Let it happen as it's going to happen, because forcing things or trying to move them along faster than they should be moved is only going to bite you in the ass. It's not a **** race, you have plenty of time.
 
ardour said:
"i gave up and dragged an answer out of her.  Would i have got one after a couple of days, i doubt it but ill never know.

But im pretty sure the anxiety thing was bullshit.  The online presence on another dating site and showing online of the method of communication we were talking through, tells me that a sceptical story to believe, i wont know for sure, but ill bet my house on it."

Clearly it was. Should have waited more than a couple of days.

"Why did she suddenly go cold?  I dont know, ill never know.  I never went in too heavy till now.  I played it as cool as we had been talking before the date.  You might not believe me on that, but from sat night to sunday night i only sent 3 messages which were on the lines of are you ok?"

Really, that's three too many.

Maybe send one text saying you had a good time and would like to meet up again, then leave it at that. That's more appropriate.

Unspecific questions like "are you okay" (okay in what way, about what, exactly?)  imply that you're insecure and looking for reassurance. It doesn't come across as a genuine enquiry. And again, way too much too soon.

"Why did she suddenly go cold?  I dont know, ill never know."

She was being polite and then it all got too much.

"or maybe i just place too much faith in things, i dont know, but i would never treat people this way, i would be a responsible person and let them down as best as i could.  what happens after that, well its down to the person involved."

When was the last time you were on the end of series and messages from some woman you barely know, talking as if you'd been dating for a year or more?  

"im not the bad guy"

Ghosting sucks but she's there's a limit to how much consideration she owes you in this situation.   You weren't together.

Maybe deal with your insecurities and avoid displaying the behaviours that turn women off. Women don't like needy guys. Emotional vulnerability is generally unappealing, especially in  men and particularly if it's shown very early on.

how does she not owe me any consideration.  what difference does it make what i am to her.  Im a human being.

she was perfectly cool with sharing intimate stories etc before the date and on the date.  so why do i become just a non entity because she doesnt feel it anymore.

thats leading me on.  ok it might be the way of modern dating but its honeysuckle and its disrespectful.  

If she came to me and said sorry but i dont think this is right, then i would have maybe asked why, probably would. but i would have accepted it.

but because she didnt want to have an awkward conversation, its lead to this honeysuckle storm.

it pisses me off too because she even talked about all this honeysuckle and how people shouldnt do it in the week upto the date and promised each other we would just be open and honest if one of us didnt think it was working.

but here we are, im being made to look insecure and an idiot.

when all i did was give things a damm good go and hope for the best.
 
TheRealCallie said:
Exactly how long as it been since this all happened?

Ive slept on it and i still come to the same conclusion.

Im sorry but when i date people, i do it with a purpose.  I dont expect every date to be magic and roundabouts and loves next best story.

I ease it into based on the grounds it develops.  

She set the context, sorry we set the context before the date and during it and even that first day after, we were on the same page.

We were were being open to each other.   Happily sharing stories with each other without consequence.

Now because shes had a sudden 180 for whatever reason.  Im just disregarded and thrown away.  

Thats hard to take, given the context set. 

At least i would have expected a decent conversation.  I expect that would have been cliches anyway and ive no doubt i would have questioned it, but i would have still accepted it.

But because she didnt want to have that awkward conversation, she choose the throw away option instead.

It hurts, because it wasnt just a plain date with a random girl.  

It was great date with a random girl, who over a week opened me up to her life. 

Shes lead me on.
 
If you haven’t heard back from her you don’t know what she is thinking or feeling. You don’t know the reasons for her acting like this.
You are just guessing. Don’t make her the bad one in this story, that doesn’t help anything at all. 
I think it’s obvious that you are hurt but at the end of the day, she doesn’t owe you anything. 
Give it time, soon you will feel fed up with rollling around in this shitty experience and start to move forward. Take with you all the good stuff from it that you can and forget the rest. 
❤️
 
I agree with what ardour said. You needed to cool down a bit. Having long conversations on the phone, sending text messages back and forth with her and asking if she's OK and that you're there for her... That's too much for a girl you barely know.

You're investing way too much, too early own. And from her perspective that's probably going to look needy.

I've made the same mistake before. Most guys probably have at some point. Always ends in the same result.
 
I've had a recent similar experience. Granted, I wasn't expecting as much as what you had with this girl you were in contact with (for me, it was just friendship I wanted). And it was more to do with her being overly sensitive to something I said rather than me coming on too strong (I was very careful not to be too intense).

There are arguments to both sides here. Perhaps her anxiety did make it difficult for her, and maybe dragging it out of her wasn't the best move. She might have even found you a bit too 'needy'. But I can't help but feel for you. You obviously cared enough about this girl to come on here and open up about it. If the issue was infact that she found you too intense, maybe she should have voiced this issue with you - perhaps told you to back off a little, instead of cutting you out the way she did.

I'm not going to tell you how to deal with it, and I do agree with the comments that have followed your OP, but if it were me, I'd just look somewhere else.
 
hewhowalksalone said:
I've had a recent similar experience.  Granted, I wasn't expecting as much as what you had with this girl you were in contact with (for me, it was just friendship I wanted).  And it was more to do with her being overly sensitive to something I said rather than me coming on too strong (I was very careful not to be too intense).

There are arguments to both sides here.  Perhaps her anxiety did make it difficult for her, and maybe dragging it out of her wasn't the best move.  She might have even found you a bit too 'needy'. But I can't help but feel for you.  You obviously cared enough about this girl to come on here and open up about it.  If the issue was infact that she found you too intense, maybe she should have voiced this issue with you - perhaps told you to back off a little, instead of cutting you out the way she did.

I'm not going to tell you how to deal with it, and I do agree with the comments that have followed your OP, but if it were me, I'd just look somewhere else.

  As for being "Needy" as your all saying.   i was no different to who i was from day 1. 

She was all over me as much as i was her.  It wasnt  a 1 way street.  she was regularly calling me, sending me memes.  texting me, kissed me first, even made the first move online.

If you think my example texts are cringey then i could equally show you some of hers.  The context between us was of a pair of people who connected really well and instantly.

It changed in a blink of an eye.  I have no reason as to why and ill doubt i ever will.

I know she doesnt have to be with me, its a choice.  

But shes lead me down a garden path, ditched me and avoiding taking any responsibility for it.

If she had a change of heart, all she had to do was be an adult and say.  

It would have ended things on good terms and no mess left behind.

It was a good date and she was a nice girl.

But this attitude towards dating stinks.
 
Try some self-reflection and common sense instead of obsessively focussing on your feelings.
 
Women 'open up' all the time. They do it over facebook to hundreds of strangers . It doesn't necessarily mean anything.
 
I would jump at the chance at a relationship… but if a woman I barely knew texted me over and over telling me she “was there for me” and that “we can get through this” after one date…. I’m out. Wouldn't matter how well got on up to that point. That would be frightening. I’d think that person had psychological problems.
 

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