Sorry for the sad intro. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays

Hi everyone. 

   Apologies, I am very new and haven't figured out how to post an avatar/profile picture. Anyways,  I signed up because of a sense of dread I am feeling this Christmas.  I am severely depressed and damaged. I am a 40 yo man(as of last week) I am too weak.  I have cried a thousand time this past year.  I am made to feel MDD etc is my fault. There's more to this, so much more. This will be a lonesome Christmas, and I am usually fine the odd time that happens.   But anyways. I am a learner. I love to meet new people with new ideas and positivity- as the few around me, the adults in my life-wouldnt dream of hugging me in comfort although I would if my girlfriend was obviously in stress.  
   I feel I screwed up enough and I can't fix it. Nothing legal.  Just mentally. What I have lost and will lose as my brain fights to get my body to snap out of it.  I know this time I will leave there(I pay boardabusive toward me. I am the punching bag. I had dreams too. I don't think I can do it. Anyways I'm Tim from NB Canada and love to learn all knowledge possible. I look up to the night sky every clear night and wonder, who could be looking back from a planet I dream of having a woman who actually might want to hear what I have to say sometimes. Of course it's a two way street.  I got way off.  I'm afraid. I lose her and her children being around with whom I love, teach and care for the kids as my own. But she despises me. From passion to that. And that's that is so sad.  The really hurting- I hate this honeysuckle complaining; The thing is they all got Christmas photos all together. I cried when I saw it. I deserve to be in that photo.  I've  been around for over 5yrs.  Daughter is 7 and son is 11 and we have had some tough times with behaviour but after he realized I cared and loved them all. 

Well,  merry Christmas. Sorry I am
usually more clear. I'm just afraid of being alone, but just they are going away for Christmas and I am hiding and holding my tears back  in the room or bathrooms.

Hello Tim from NB. I am Amy from SK. Welcome to the forum.

I am sorry for what you are dealing with. I hope that coming here can help ease your loneliness, even if only in the moment.

I don't get it, your daughter and your son are real or just in your dreams?

Hi.
Welcome. 
Keep on letting it out, maybe it will make you feel better at some point.
Christmas can have that shitty feeling for sure. 
Anyways.
Sending some love your way.

My thoughts are with you, new friend.

Thanks. I appreciate the replies. I will wait until I no longer live with her or her children at which point I will disappear and hope that there is another life to live. Christmas and I am at a fuckin McDonald's wondering what happened. Merry
Christmas

Hi there and welcome to the board

I've spent a few Christmas's alone and do feel lonely, but will try and make the best of it. I cook myself a nice meal and treat it as just another day. It soon passes and things get back to normal.

Take care of yourself and try and be kind to yourself because you do matter.

Hugs.

So many people on this site have lost their girlfriend, including me. (cries) Since your girlfriend still lives with you, I think you should do whatever you can to save the relationship. You should consider buying from marriagemax.com The programs there have a 90% success rate.  It's very possible to prevent or reverse divorce/separation, I wish I had found the proper advice 6 months ago when my girlfriend was still talking to me, instead of listening to friends who told me to just give up and not try to restore the relationship. (I am still mad at those friends. It's not their fault that they gave me bad advice, but I don't talk to them anymore.)

I stare at the moon and sky a lot too, wondering what my devoted, loving, beautiful girlfriend is up to.  Hoping she's safe and feeling ok. We are depressed at opposite times of the year - she struggles in January and I struggle in July and August. I wish I could be there for her during her most difficult time of year, but she won't reply to my texts.