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Joined
Dec 21, 2018
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Location
Midwestern US
Hi all, you can call me Kate (not my real name), and I'm a 35 year old (soon to be 36) woman from the Midwestern US.  

My situation is a little different in that I have not yet experienced total isolation (I'm even married, although the marriage itself needs some work - I do love my husband and am glad he's here, though), but I see the trajectory of my life leading there if I don't do something to remedy it.  And I'm a bit lost as to what I can do.  And in terms of at least my extended family, I see nearly total estrangement on the horizon.  This may not be the worst thing, but I do feel the loss of the support I once felt.  Also, my husband actually has nobody but me now.  He seems to be handling this fact fine, but he's not forthcoming with his emotions, so it wouldn't surprise me to learn that he actually feels worse about it than he lets on.  Both of his parents are dead, his extended family had been out of touch for decades, and his best friend more or less ghosted.  He is emotionally stable and well-adjusted, and I have no idea how, but good on him.  

I feel like at this point, my personality is what it is.  I can always "work on" my more annoying social tics, but I can't change who I am fundamentally.  I'm socially anxious, and I have recently been diagnosed with ADHD which did explain why I have always found large social situations with a lot of noise and stuff going on are hard for me to navigate.  I simply can't focus on a conversation with one person and really be present because all the background activity and noise will distract me.  My extended family is enormous, and every gathering on any side of the family (and there are 3 sides I see because both of my parents remarried after divorce)

In order to contain the anxiety this causes me, I either have to bring a book and withdraw completely, which is perceived as being rude, or I have to drink, which leaves me vulnerable to inadvertently acting silly or just having a terrible hangover to nurse the next day.  Since I'm concerned about the health effects of drinking to excess, even occasionally, I really prefer not to do it at all.  And honestly if I'm going to sit with a book to keep calm and not socialize with anyone, what is really the point of me going (so aunt whoever can glower at me the entire time)?  

It's hard for me to maintain relationships with my extended family because we have pretty much nothing in common except for breathing.  I don't drive (I learned at the "proper" age but didn't follow through on getting my license, and I HATE driving.  I use public transportation).  I'm not religious.  I don't plan or want to have children - I've actively planned against it in fact (my actual parents are FINE with this, mind you.  But the extended family HATE it and talk smack about it all the time, and it gets back to me via. my parents, and they just PUT UP WITH IT).  Since I don't go ga-ga over kids and fawn all over them, and I don't have a million dollars to lavish all my cousin's kids with Christmas gifts, and I am weird socially, well, I'm the "odd one out" at family gatherings.  I'm thinking I'm finally at the age where no longer going is the best option.  I have 2 cousins and one aunt+uncle pair on my dad's side who initiate contact with me first.  Nobody else ever bothers to contact me and see if I want to visit, but they whine and complain like nothing else when I have skipped a family gathering (getting on FB and being like, "WE MISSED YOU AND (husband)!"  I see right through it.  If they missed us, they'd reach out to us.  They just want us to be a prop at the gatherings and be in the pictures.  When it comes to our actual lives, they don't give a honeysuckle.  

I also have one sibling who is more or less estranged.  My dad's 2nd marriage didn't last, but he and his 2nd wife had a daughter, my sister.  Her mom's family still invite us to their functions and I have been going for years.  Recently, even that dynamic is changing for the worse.  As the older ones get, well, older, the younger ones who are judgmental, overbearing, sometimes outright mean-spirited, are taking over things.  My sister from that situation and I used to be super close, but in the last decade or so she's really pulled away.  If I don't reach out first, there is no relationship.  I have decided to stop reaching out to see if/when she ever reaches out to me.  My birthday is coming soon.  That'll be the most telling thing.  

My other sibling, from my mom's 2nd marriage, is really sweet and we're good friends.  She lives abroad now, so I miss her.  I hope her and I will have a good relationship for a long time.  

Friends, that's a whole 'nother can of worms.  I don't really have but a couple of people I would consider true friends anymore.  Once I do get with someone, I talk incessantly because I'm often feeling socially starved.  My BFF got a boyfriend (and good for her, I am truly happy for her) so hanging out with her alone or even with her man is rare anymore.  She is planning on trying to get a better paying job in her field and will move wherever that takes her, so she may become a long distance person.  All my other friends never invite me to do things, and I'll see on Facebook how they've had "reunion" gatherings and I'm not there in the pictures, and I know they all know how to get in touch with me.  So I think I've been ousted for whatever reason (probably just being socially awkward).  So those friends were NOT the "chosen family" I made them out to be.  Another close friend lives far away and we talk sometimes, when we both have time.  I don't get to really visit him.  I think really I'm hard to be around because my ADHD makes me a mega motormouth.  I tend to go off on tangents, and I know people find that annoying.  I think as time goes by, people are going to drop out of my life.  Whatever happens with my marriage, whether we get old together but he just dies before me (because men usually die sooner than women) or we eventually decide to go our separate ways (I hope not, but I grew up with parental divorce as a reality so I'm realistic about marriage and divorce), I will be left alone.  I know I can do volunteer work, get involved in civic activities, or just go to shows and see who I meet (my city has a good local music scene), but those kinds of "friendships" have never evolved into anything deeper for me.

People who have kids have a built in social network forever (unless their children become estranged which can happen as well).  People who have families they have little to nothing in common with can still gather and bond "over the kids."  I don't have that.  I was also a late bloomer in some ways, which I think makes my family think I'm a bit dumb.  I think because I can't "think on my feet," people initially judge me as being simple or stupid, which is frustrating.  I made the Dean's list every semester whilst earning my degree; I'm quite intelligent.  I just can't do those off-the-cuff quips or comebacks.  I have to formulate an answer on my own before I present it rather than being able to do so immediately.    

That's why I'm here.  I can see the chasm opening in front of me.  I see impending loneliness because I chose the unconventional path (no children, essentially) and I'm also unwilling to be fake so my family will like me.  I see impending loneliness because making new friends is so difficult for me.  My parents are aging and have health problems, which makes them age more rapidly.  My one sister who does love me lives so far away, and who knows what the future holds.  There is no promise that we'll always be close.  I see it coming at me like an oncoming train, which seems far away; it's tempting to think it's so far away there's no use moving off the tracks right now.  But like an oncoming train, it's faster than you think, and being hit by it is blindsiding.  That's what I equate my impending loneliness to.  I hope this wasn't too annoying to read.  Thank you for sticking it out, if you did.
 
Good on you for thinking a few years ahead so realistically. You're right, the future comes at us inexorably like an oncoming train. Figure out how to make a social life that's right for you before you have more yesterdays than you do tomorrows.
I'm 30 years older than you and I wish I'd been thinking a few years ahead.....30 years ago.
 
"....we have pretty much nothing in common except for breathing."

I love how you phrased that.

Also hi.
 
Thanks so much for the warm welcome, everyone! :shy:  I did get to see my one BFF yesterday and it was wonderful to catch up!  She is entirely estranged from her mother and mom's side of the family (but they live abroad so it's pretty easy to not bump into them), and pretty much just has her dad and brother left, familywise, and now her boyfriend.  We talked all about the falsehoods society shoves down our throats about family always being important and number one, when in reality family can be less welcoming than a group of strangers.  We talked about the performative nature of rituals with extended family, and I basically told her that the older I get, the stronger my "bullshit detector" is and I can see through the insincerity.  That being said, cultivating friendships with other people that are meaningful takes time and work, and I want to work on taking good enough care of myself and my mental health that I can eventually make connections with people over time.  I don't need a big group necessarily, just a few good people to bond with, share good times with, and support each other when things are more difficult in life.
 

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