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My wife doesn't want me to ruin Christmas..
#11
I won't comment on the predicament with your wife, because any advice I could give you would sound really innadequate to my ears, considering I know little of the two of you as people and the inherent complexities of interpersonal relationships. Maybe you need to talk to her again. Maybe you're just unhappy now and talking is a waste of time (it happens after x years of marriage). Maybe you are overblowing the issue. Who knows? I'd suggest talking to close friends who know you both better than I do so you can get more accurate advice that would be sound. Personality plays a big part in these questions and I don't know enough about you both inRL.

As pertains to your daughter....one thing I tell my kids, even though they are still young enough (thank god) to not be of marrying age yet, is that I will NEVER be their friend, but always be their father. What that means is that as close as we can get, there will always be things I will take a liberty to tell them, because it's my responsibility to ensure they become decent human beings, over their immediate wants of "perceived" happiness. Kind of like the "last line of defense", if you will. Because, as I think we all learn in life, what we want or think we want isn't always a good idea OR what we need. Without approaching her in an aggressive way, I would definetely approach her privately and tell her exactly what is on yours and everyone's mind concerning her plans of marriage. Not because it makes you "the bad guy", it makes uou a concerned AND responsible father. At her age, which is probably over 18, she'll do whatever she wants anyway, right? But its our responsibility as parents to tell our kids when we think they are making a mistake. Then, if need be when they hit a brick wall 100 mph, be there to pick them up while hoping the former doesnt happen. If, I'm sorry to say this in advance, your wife was a better person (assuming here she is her mother, if not disregard this) she would also oscillate in this approach and back you up in it, sharing that responsibility. I mean, its not a fun part of parenting to discipline a child, or when they grow into adulthood, tell them what they don't want to hear, but I think it's our job. Just like my own dad would still unload on me if he thought I was behaving like a moron and he'd expect me to have the wisdom to listen to his words. If that makes us into "bad guys", so be it; I'd prefer being called on and have a clean conscience, rather than not saying anything and 5-10 years latter hearing "why didn't anyone tell me? I was so naive" which often happens.

Anyways, I hope this is of some use to you. I'm sorry you're going through a tough time right niw. If you're ever in my neck of the woods, stop by for a beer, we can chat about happier times over a nice beverage full of forgetfullness! ;-)

Oh little addendum, on your last comment; people CAN change; but only when THEY really want to, on their terms. I wouldn't go into a conversation with someone expecting to change them, that's not the way it works, 9 times out of 10. Only thing you can do is do more sensibilisation, but I wouldn't go into it, expecting much different. Unlike what people believe when going to vote (hehehe, shot fired to my American friends Big Grin ) change is slow, long, and almost never going to happen unless a "prise de conscience" (not sure of the correct translation for this pardon my french, I think it would be "realisation") occurs on a very basic level
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#12
I feel you. I happen to be in a similar situation as you where I pay all the bills and get the least amount of say and yet everytime brought out to hang by the wife. I would recommend divorce but there are kids invovled. Therefore, I recommend that maybe ypu start loving yourself. Have some me time away from the family. Do things you like. Keeps you sane. Remember, you can only do so much for the family.
Life is short... live it to the fullest and treat others with respect.
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#13
Funny that.Maybe it's because I come from a different experience of having a father in law and being a father.Also I think it would help if we knew what the problem is with the relationship.You see I got engaged to my wife when she was 19.We had a long engagement some years in fact before we finally got married so there's no real panic in some cases anyway.
A few months after we met I left a secure job and had a few months unemployed so wasn't a great prospect anyway because I was just not sure which career I wanted to follow. During that time and obviously through subsequent years I had a lot of dealings with my future father in law both working with him and the usual stuff helping us on our way support with sourcing furniture e.t.c, I could always feel he was testing me pushing me to my limits. He actively said he didn't like Londoners many times(he was from Wales by the way) and I knew I wasn't really what he wanted for his favourite daughter.But I matched him as much as I could I wanted to prove I was fit to be with his daughter.

Fast forward 20+ years,kids,grandchild I always remember to the day I die the little talk he gave me two Christmas' s ago just before he hit dementia as if he knew what was going to happen as was with his mother.When all was quiet and it was just us sitting in the lounge he put his book down and said very calmly what a great job I had done with his daughter and something else which I can't quite remember but just as complementary .I was just so in shock but that moment was one of the best in my life. I think now probably is why I support all my daughter's decisions and try to support her in everything she chooses to do...Just my take on it.
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#14
(12-23-2018, 05:35 PM)Joturbo Wrote:
(12-23-2018, 05:27 PM)Black Manta Wrote: Thanks for all your replies. I'm just feeling frustrated. I do talk to her, and every once in a while I feel like I've made a breakthrough, but then when say Christmas rolls around again it's like nothing happened and I'm back at square one. It's almost like there a reset mode or a Groundhog's Day movie going on. I think that my wife and family just can't empathize with me, and I communicate very plainly with everyone. There's no mixed messages. There's no games. I guess some people can't change.

I'm on edge a little bit more this year. I found out that my one daughter might be getting engaged. Everyone is against it. I'm going to say something, because I'm her dad. If everyone else backed me I feel she might reconsider, but I know no one wants to start trouble so I'll be the bad guy once again.

Hey Black Manta...your a braver man than me I wouldn't dare get in between my daughter and the man she wants to marry.If ok to ask what's the problem with the guy?

Man I'm way behind. This is a two part answer.

1. Problem with the guy. She's been dating/living with him for about five years now. In that time he's has said maybe five sentences to me. I get a "we're better than you" vibe from them. My wife and I have tried to arrange to meet his parents and we always get the run-a-round, which I find odd. The dad was a cop who owns a strip bar and the mom works at the perfume counter at Macy's. I'm nothing to write home about. I was a stay-at-home dad that worked here and there (currently I have a concussion that won't go away from a work injury). My wife's a nurse manager at a local hospital, so I don't understand the attitude. And the boyfriend is just kind of weird. He always wears suits, even if it's a backyard barbeque. I just don't like the guy. Neither does my wife or my kids or their SO's, so it's not just me.

2. Problems with my daughter. My objections don't just stem from him. My daughter has issues as well. The largest issue is that she's just immature. She is in no way ready for a marriage. I also believe that she's selling her future short. She's a department manager at Macy's (the guy is a store manager at Macy's-that's where they met.) and she acts likes she's hit the big time. I truly feel that she could do so much more with her life. She was really into politics when she was younger. She's also really beautiful. I could easily see her get into reporting. I don't think five-ten years down the line she's going to be happy with the life choices she's making now.

(12-23-2018, 09:44 PM)Richard_39 Wrote: I'd suggest talking to close friends who know you both better than I do so you can get more accurate advice that would be sound. .
We really don't have friends. None. That's why I'm so frustrated with my family because no one wants to get involved or talk about anything yet there's no one else and they know this. We've been to counselling a few times but it never seems to help. Any progress we make is forgotten about the next day. It's go back to that 'reset' phenomenon that I talked about earlier in which I feel like I've made a breakthrough with someone but the very next day everyone acts like or pretends nothing was said or happened.
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#15
(12-23-2018, 09:44 PM)Richard_39 Wrote: I'm sorry to say this in advance, your wife was a better person (assuming here she is her mother, if not disregard this) she would also oscillate in this approach and back you up in it, sharing that responsibility. 
This one is tricky. My wife was raped and molested by her step-father when she was younger. Long story short she developed DID or more commonly multi-personality disorder. The stepfather died a few years ago and my wife kind of disappeared and a new personality took over. This new personality is all about keeping things quiet and avoiding confrontations. When no one else is around she agrees with me but she won't confront anyone because she doesn't want drama. This is what I'm always accused of...starting drama. Of course in my opinion everyone else is just ignoring problems and generally just living in denial.

Now that I'm caught up......they did not get engaged. The plan, from what I've heard is that he's going to get her a ring in january and they are going to get married in summer 2020, so I've got some time.
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#16
(12-28-2018, 11:20 PM)Black Manta Wrote: And the boyfriend is just kind of weird. He always wears suits, even if it's a backyard barbeque. I just don't like the guy.

That’s weird, that’s really weird. I’ve always found people who wear suits weird, I’m a sort frilly french knickers or a camisole set sort of guy, but really wearing a suit, I don’t know about tell your daughter not to marry him, i’d report him to the police, he could ten years for wearing a suit at a barbecue.
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#17
(12-28-2018, 11:20 PM)Black Manta Wrote: I was a stay-at-home dad that worked here and there (currently I have a concussion that won't go away from a work injury). My wife's a nurse manager at a local hospital

So you’re at home all day, your wife, it seems everyone in your family, goes out to work.

Well it’s the perfect marriage. You can look at porn all day on the internet, you can play call of duty all day, watch TV all day.

Personally I wouldn’t rock the boat, if I had a wife that went to work whilst I sat at home I’d take any old shit from her.

and this is the thing, this is what I always want you to remember, I’m not happy about it, disgusted by it actually, but if what is happening in your family, is people are getting up in the morning and putting on a suit no less, then say god forbid going to work, it’s something you’re going to have to live with. You can suggest counselling but I don’t think it will do any good. Personally I wouldn’t do it, but there are some sick individuals out there.
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#18
(01-03-2019, 06:04 AM)Puddled Duck Wrote:
(12-28-2018, 11:20 PM)Black Manta Wrote: I was a stay-at-home dad that worked here and there (currently I have a concussion that won't go away from a work injury). My wife's a nurse manager at a local hospital

So you’re at home all day, your wife, it seems everyone in your family, goes out to work.

Well it’s the perfect marriage. You can look at porn all day on the internet, you can play call of duty all day, watch TV all day.

Personally I wouldn’t rock the boat, if I had a wife that went to work whilst I sat at home I’d take any old shit from her.

and this is the thing, this is what I always want you to remember, I’m not happy about it, disgusted by it actually, but if what is happening in your family, is people are getting up in the morning and putting on a suit no less, then say god forbid going to work, it’s something you’re going to have to live with. You can suggest counselling but I don’t think it will do any good. Personally I wouldn’t do it, but there are some sick individuals out there.

The thing that really sucks about my injury is that I can't do anything. Pretty much any physical activity drains me. I used to love to read, but after about 15 minutes I feel like I need to sleep. Even watching TV is out of the question. The best I can do is listen to documentaries, podcasts, etc. with my eyes closed. I probably know about every unsolved murder in the world and every ancient astronaut theory conceived. And sitting around the house drives me crazy. I know I should be happier. I know I don't have it as bad as other people. I feel so unfulfilled and isolated. And I feel so old. I never felt old.

(01-03-2019, 05:31 AM)Puddled Duck Wrote:
(12-28-2018, 11:20 PM)Black Manta Wrote: And the boyfriend is just kind of weird. He always wears suits, even if it's a backyard barbeque. I just don't like the guy.

That’s weird, that’s really weird. I’ve always found people who wear suits weird, I’m a sort frilly french knickers or a camisole set sort of guy, but really wearing a suit, I don’t know about tell your daughter not to marry him, i’d report him to the police, he could ten years for wearing a suit at a barbecue.

Smile It's one thing if you're just getting off work or if you have to go to a wedding, but this guy thinks he's Barney Stinson or James Bond or something.
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#19
(01-04-2019, 02:58 PM)Black Manta Wrote: The thing that really sucks about my injury is that I can't do anything. Pretty much any physical activity drains me. I used to love to read, but after about 15 minutes I feel like I need to sleep. Even watching TV is out of the question. The best I can do is listen to documentaries, podcasts, etc. with my eyes closed. I probably know about every unsolved murder in the world and every ancient astronaut theory conceived. And sitting around the house drives me crazy. I know I should be happier. I know I don't have it as bad as other people. I feel so unfulfilled and isolated. And I feel so old. I never felt old.

Joking aside, I can feel for you there, because we are both in a similar situation, long term sick (at home) and it’s not all it’s cracked up to be and like you I struggle to do anything because of my illness.

The problem you (and I) have as a result of being long term sick (and at home) or perhaps a stay at home dad, is to anyone healthy or more importantly working, we have an immediate loss of face, with my family (my dad and brothers I live alone), they simply no longer listen to me or are more likely to tell me what to do (order me about), perhaps in the same way your wife is somewhat it appears controlling of you.

I wouldn’t rock the boat Black Mantra, i’m getting a similar thing here, I really on my family the same way as you effectively rely on your wife for a certain (if not all) amount of financial support, we’re in a loss of face situation, whatever either me (to my dad and brothers) or you (to your wife) say, it simply isn’t going to wash with people and we’re probably both too Ill to put up a fight.
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#20
I have to agree with the suit thing. My bf wears suits almost all the time and he is 🤪

😂
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