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Why do we self-isolate?
#31
(12-24-2018, 06:58 PM)hewhowalksalone Wrote: For me it's the fact that whenever I've tried to amend my social situation by attempting to make friends, it always resulted in pain, frustration and disappointment.  When I focus on accepting myself as a loner I actually start to feel better about myself.

This, absolutely. When one gets hit with unpleasant experience after unpleasant experience, you tend to just throw up your hands and decide to resign from the world or society altogether just to avoid the anticipated negative outcomes.
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#32
That's it exactly. I guess being on some whats-app group via meetup isn't the same as having a group of friends who actually care about you and enjoy your company. That was part of my problem. But I do feel that the people on the group didn't give me a chance, and were looking for any feeble excuse to 'cast' me out like a gangrenous limb.
'When the pack rejects their weakest member, he learns to adapt and to find his own way.  He is the lone wolf.'
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#33
This is a really good thread, and I could have written it myself along with several of the responses.

Callie mentioned fear - alot of people don't realize or remember that fear isn't always about being afraid - there is healthy fear, which causes us to survive, (such has the fear/respect of fire for instance).  Being a loner is something I chose long ago, and instead of setting myself up for failure over and over, trying to reach out to others, accepting a life system to "go it alone" lifted a weight.  As I've mentioned before, the rest of the world is nosy, and as much as we try to isolate (insulate) ourselves from it, to avoid being hurt or disappointed, we still can run into problems at times. So when it comes to "us" - those who have decided to withdraw from the world as much as possible, we have to set up life systems and skills to deal with those times when we have to leave our "fort" - protective bubble, or when for whatever reason, people or events intrude. This has more to do with surviving, than caring about what others think about us.  And lets face it, at the end of the day, when we look back at situations (social mostly) where we succeeded, we feel more in control of our world.  Power is the key to not being frustrated or angry in life, and power is the feeling of being in control. That's what we want for ourselves.
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#34
I wish there was a 'like' option.
'When the pack rejects their weakest member, he learns to adapt and to find his own way.  He is the lone wolf.'
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#35
For some it may be necessary to go through a period of isolation and remove themselves from the cacophony of voices/feelings/influences which could hinder introspection and dealing with inner turmoil/demons. This could be ridding oneself of a false identity or deep truth searching to find out who they really are. A burning away of any illusions. Self isolation to self-immolation and then phoenixing up out of the ashes.
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#36
I used to isolate myself for many of the reasons the other users have mentioned, but I don't anymore because frankly, I can't deal with how lonely it is. 

So as much as small talk is exhausting, I do it anyway, except in smaller doses (instead of avoiding people altogether). And I categorise friendships (work friends, close friends, socialising buddies). With each group, I adjust my expectations and behave accordingly so I don't get hurt or disappointed. Like I can't be honest with my responses with my social buddies, but I can be a little more with close friends. 

Most importantly, I've stopped expecting emotional support from people. I used to get so hurt because I would listen to friends for hours, talk about their struggles etc, and yet even when I tell people (which is so rare) I am lonely or going through a rough time, they don't even call. Of course, it could be that they don't know how to console a sad person or that my situation triggers something for them. But at the end of the day, not talking to people about my life, makes it easier for me to get some company without the emotional ups and downs.

It's not healthy to keep everything bottled inside, but for now, meditation, yoga and other techniques have been helping me deal with stuff, without needing to talk to people Smile
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#37
(12-30-2018, 03:53 AM)Jently Wrote:
(12-30-2018, 01:05 AM)Minus Wrote:
(12-27-2018, 11:24 PM)ardour Wrote: I'm okay with small talk. Not every conversation has to be meaningful or personal.

It can serve a valuable purpose.

Yes it can if you can do it. I can't.  It's either deep and meaningful or nothing at all for me.

Same. Sadly, I've gradually lost friendships over this. Once it becomes only small talk, I distance myself because I am likely to over think everything. I'm not one to pry and ask for your interest. My longest lasting friendships are ones where small talk isn't needed. In my own personal opinion, there's no point in keeping in touch if it's strictly out of guilt/boredom, or just for the sake of keeping in touch. There needs to be substance, not filler. For my own mentally clarity, I've grown to stay away from it as I get older. I only small talk as an ice breaker, to be polite, or to people who are just acquaintances.

I also absolutely dread awkward silence lol. I don't mean it in an constant stimulation sense, but rather that it shouldn't effect either of you. The vibes. If you can find someone whom this is never an issue. Keep them around! Smile

Personally, I don't like to get close to too many people out of previous disappointment/mistrust or getting too flustered for not meeting others' unrealistic expectations. I'm more than fine with a small group of really close friends that I can be myself around and aren't easily offended/needy. Naturally, having a very small group of friends makes it highly likely you will be alone as they move on to better things or start a family, etc. That's where my self-isolation comes into play.
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#38
(12-30-2018, 07:21 PM)hewhowalksalone Wrote: I wish there was a 'like' option.

Then go to facebook.
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#39
Ah, pah! lol. I hate facebook. That place is all about showing off and advertising how great your life is. This forum, however, is different - we offer support and advice, and unite in our troubles.

Not to be cynical. Smile
'When the pack rejects their weakest member, he learns to adapt and to find his own way.  He is the lone wolf.'
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