Limbo

My 94 yr old mood disordered mother is now in hospice care and how long she will live is anyone's guess.  I've been looking after her in one way or another for 60 years and sacrificed a lot of my life doing it.
When she's gone (an event I have looked forward to for years) a big part of my life...my time, my anxiety, my responsibilities, my always having to think ahead to what might go wrong with her, my having to compromise my personal life in order to fulfill my responsibilities to her....all that will be gone.
I feel very, very alone right now.  Eventually I'll feel relief that her depressions and clinging and complaining will disappear but where will I direct my personal energies and care to then?  In a very real way I'll have to re-invent myself. 
It would be nice to have a personal relationship with me to tell me that I'll do well and make a meaningful contribution somehow in the years I have left.
But I'm very alone right now and feeling very uneasy in a limbo space.

I hope things are well for you, Constant.

Don't worry so much about tomorrow, it will be here soon enough, focus on what to do today. You'll get through this.

Thanks for the reply Callie!

It's good advice, focus on today....it's really the only practical plan and it's what I'm doing. Kind of like quitting substance dependence: get through today, and when tomorrow becomes today, do it again.

But I do have to plan ahead with logistical matters and I have help in that with my lawyer and accountant

Nevertheless I have anxiety and worry....too bad I haven't formed close relationships with people.

As i can see from your situation that you are kinda lost, at least it seams so. After so many years taking care about your mother and making compromises because you didn't want to hurt your mother you forgot to take care about yourself and now you are afraid. The fear is not bad the fear one should use to build a courage. And how does one build a courage. Its kinda really simple, one needs to introduce himself to his fear and win against him. For the start you could ask yourself the question what will I do when my mother is gone, or one could be a bit more precise and ask himself what is my life purpose and what is my next goal in life ? The truth is that you are going to get honest answers because you are asking yourself. Also from that point you should actually start working towards the answers you get, that means you should take action. Hope i was able to help !

Nightwhistle said:

As i can see from your situation that you are kinda lost, at least it seams so. After so many years taking care about your mother and making compromises because you didn't want to hurt your mother you forgot to take care about yourself and now you are afraid. The fear is not bad the fear one should use to build a courage. And how does one build a courage. Its kinda really simple, one needs to introduce himself to his fear and win against him. For the start you could ask yourself the question what will I do when my mother is gone, or one could be a bit more precise and ask himself what is my life purpose and what is my next goal in life ? The truth is that you are going to get honest answers because you are asking yourself. Also from that point you should actually start working towards the answers you get, that means you should take action. Hope i was able to help !

Click to expand...

Everything you're saying makes good sense.  Thank you for the thoughts.
The good news is I seem to have more well wishers and friends than i thought I had.
So I'll keep moving one step at a time....the house is  mine now and there are lots of logistical type changes I've always wanted to do to it.....so now I can, without anyone second guessing me about it.  And that's just for starters.....