No next of kin

INTRODUCTION:  I am a 60-year-old, professional woman who lives alone.  I have been alone most of my adult life and know that I suffer from abandonment issues, due to my mother’s sudden death and father’s scapegoating and abandonment of me in my younger years.  I have no other relatives.  I have never been married or had children.  I never wanted children.  I have always had a cat.

I was in a 10-year relationship with someone, but he also died suddenly.  I found the body.

I have a well-paid job, and a lovely home in a lovely area, but I struggle with coming home to emptiness.  I drink alcohol to compensate my feelings of loneliness, isolation and abandonment.

I have hobbies.  I go to a gym most evenings and do high intensity group-exercise.  I even spent several years as a part-time group exercise instructor.  I also walk a lot (urban walking these days, due to arthritis), and sometimes do ceramics in the evening at night school.  However, I still struggle with the feelings of loneliness when I get home. 

I have a University education and a professional job where I project manage teams of colleagues.

PROBLEM:  I would like to find some sort of online resource (I do not have enough attention span to read books) that will help me cope with the feelings of loneliness, isolation and abandonment, so that I can feeling happy and content living alone in the evening and at weekends.

I get really frustrated when I find websites that offer advice such as ‘open up to your family’ or ‘invite a friend round for dinner’.  These do not seem to be helpful suggestions for people who do not have any family or friends.  I have also investigated Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) for loneliness, but this seems to focus on issues associated with social anxiety.  I do not suffer from social anxiety.

I have also seen counsellors in the past who have suggested that I ‘open up’ to people, which is really difficult if you have no one to open up to.  Other counsellors have suggested the I ‘pamper myself’ or ‘do relaxation’.  I am not that sort of a person.

Does anyone have any useful suggestions please?

Hi Badger60 I expect theres meditation or Buddhists groups in youre area that might help. Voluntary work? the RSPCA usually need helpers. Would watch the alcohol use as its a slippery slope....Cheers CB

Thanks for replying Chief broom.

I already attend mindfulness sessions at work and volunteer in an animal charity shop. I need help with coping with coming home to emptiness.

It’s a difficult one Badger.

If you’re not in a relationship (partner living at home), have say no children at home, exactly how do you fill the void at home?.

I use the internet and the odd forum or chat lounges and I live at home all day (alone). I also have a cat.

In terms of online resources, well there’s strangermeetup.com, you’re a woman, you’ll never be lonely at home on strangermeetup.com if you’re a woman lol. Don’t worry, no one ever meets. I think after an hour or so on strangermeetup.com you might be a lot more happy and content at home Sorry, but it’s the best I can do.

Alcohol is what I use to 'fill the void' when I get home.

Badger60 said:

Alcohol is what I use to 'fill the void' when I get home.

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I’m the same, I’ve been using Vodka, lemonade and crushed ice (sort of a home made Smirnoff Ice) for 4 years to cure generalised anxiety disorder (and depression) following a heart attack.

It’s got to a point where for four years I’ve being doing a bottle of vodka a day.

For the last five years, I haven’t worked and my wife and step kids left me, so I have been home alone in a pokey flat for four years 24/7 with really just a bottle of vodka and the internet (and a cat) to keep me company.

It doesn’t address the problem however, it merely masks it.

Have you thought about playing Call of Duty online (only joking)

Badger60 said:

Thanks for replying Chief broom.

I already attend mindfulness sessions at work and volunteer in an animal charity shop. I need help with coping with coming home to emptiness.

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Perhaps doing charity for people instead of animals would be different.

One thing that fills the void is having someone to chat with, tho share your day, what have you done in the day and things like that. Not someone random, someone that you like to talk with.

You don't seem to be interested in finding friends though. Also you are talking about resources, like they do at work in these days. "The resource will be involved in the management of bla bla". Not actually human beings.

You seem to be a strong person so I will be honest. Maybe the problem is that you are looking to something to just fill the void instead of meaningful things like a friend.

Resources that helps me to fill the void are TV series, long ones because they make you feel like being part a story, and being close to characters.
I like also reading, but you have said that it isnt a thing for you.

Also I like videogames. If you are looking just to fill the void videogames are perfect. Something online, where you play with actual people. Since you are 60 years old it will be quite improbable that you end playing an mmo but is still better than alcohol.

What about having a roommate? It's kind of a drastic step, maybe too drastic, but you wouldn't be coming home to an empty house (or apartment or condo).