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suicidal, homicidal, no friends... trapped
#1
Hi,
I'm new here. I have clinical depression, OCD, and social anxiety. Not that you care. I used to have friends, but they're not in any of my classes, and I don't have a way of contacting them. I haven't been invited to a party in years, and my best friend abandoned me. Anyways, i'm not even terribly interested in befriending them. They're mostly school acquaintances. I'm quite unattractive, so a girlfriend seems unlikely, no matter how """"""confident""""""" I am. I've never had a GF anyways. I have homicidal thoughts: fantasies about hurting or killing those who hurt me. Or, I think about hurting/killing people I envy. I'm obsessed with violent movies, like "American Psycho" and "Drive." Just my coping mechanisms. I'm taking medication, doing therapy, but my lifestyle of constant schoolwork cannot accommodate worthwhile exercise or sleep. Oh well. DORSIA
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#2
Is there any way you can cut back on some classes to give you time to exercise or sleep?
Have you discussed these thoughts with anyone? It might be helpful for you to get them out so they don't start festering because you may do something you regret. Talk to someone, find your focus, change your meds, find a different therapist. You do have some options.

How long have you been taking the meds? Sometimes they can cause you have to thoughts like that or make them worse. Discuss it with your doctor.
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#3
I guess fantasizing about hurting people is scores better than actually going out and hurting people, and I'm assuming that the fact that you shared your concerns about having these thoughts on a forum means that you have enough empathy in you to prevent you from doing something stupid. You obviously understand that acting out on these thoughts would destroy the lives of whoever you targeted as well as those that care for them - and would get you into serious trouble. I'm not going to say 'dude, that's sick! Stop having those thoughts!' cos in the long run repressing fantasies makes the situation worse, because the more you resist these thoughts, the stronger they get.

Do you write fiction? Writing dark stories can act as an outlet. Because you're putting your imagination in valuable and creative use rather than fantasizing for sake of the gratification. And like 'The Real Callie' said - find someone to talk to about it. Maybe reach out. These violent thoughts could just be a symptom of the lack of intimacy in your life. Focus on the people that you love. People you admire - even those who you've never met in person.

Very often, people get so hung up on receiving love that they forget to show it. Perhaps do something nice for someone. Buy a sandwich and a hot cup of coffee for a homeless person you see on the street. Volunteer at a charity. If you're feeling brave, brighten up a stranger's day by talking to them - they might be lonely just like you are, and they may go home feeling good that some random guy actually stopped to chat. Trust me, I have my inner demons - and there have been times when I've found myself lost in looping thoughts of anger and resentment - but reminding myself to love makes me feel so much better.

I hope you're here to stay - because this forum is filled with kind and caring people who can help you through these tough times. Smile
'When the pack rejects their weakest member, he learns to adapt and to find his own way.  He is the lone wolf.'
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