Am I immature for harboring resentment?

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user 150037

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For all of you who don't know the details of what I am talking about, here is a link to the original thread where I talked about this group that I had a problem with.

https://www.alonelylife.com/showthread.php?tid=39243

Now, this whatsapp group still pops up in my head now and again.  I have reached a point where I recognize that it wasn't all that.  The thing with Meetup is that it is public - anyone can join groups, and anyone can attend events.  So it wasn't like I considered these people to be true friends.

While I could understand that what I said on this whatsapp group could have been viewed in a negative light, I still can't help but feel that the way these people reacted was very unfair.  And the way this girl just blocked all contact with me without explanation, despite her knowing that I meant no malice behind what I said, and that there was no way it could have hurt her feelings.

Am I justified at thinking of this girl negatively, or am I being childish harboring resentment towards her? I'm fishing for honesty here - I won't get defensive or upset if I hear the truth. Perhaps some of you have your own stories of how you managed to let go.
 
Are you immature or childish? I don't think I would go so far as to say that. BUT, it's not healthy. I think it's "normal" to feel resentment for the majority of people in the world. However, at some point you have to ask yourself if it's doing you any good to hold onto the resentment. Life isn't fair, we all know that. Sometimes honeysuckle happens that we don't like, that we can't do anything about. The choice we do have is what we do about the situations that are unfair or shitty or mean or good or bad or whatever else. We have a choice on how we deal with everything. Even if the choices are all bad and there is no good option, you still have a choice.

What do you gain by holding on to this? Does it do anything to help you get what you want out of life or does it hold you back? What do you hope to accomplish by dwelling on this incident over and over again? Would you be better off figuring out a way to move on from it? Would you be better off trying again somewhere else or in a new meetup group or a new whatsapp group or a new forum or a new chat?

My advice would be to find something else to do. A new hobby, a new group of people, a new whatever. You seem to be doing quite well here, so why not cut your losses from that experience and start fresh with people who are more compassionate and kind?
 
Thanks 'The Real Callie' - having read your response, I do feel a little bit better. Perhaps I would find it easier to forget if I had some new people in my life. I've been avoiding Meetup due to the negative association, but maybe it's time for me to go back and start again.
 
I do think a lot of us keep some sort of resentment towards something or someone. 
It’s hard to let everything go, but.. the less you carry the better you feel. 
It’s harder to do than to say. I carry resentment towards some, but I let go of all the rest. Keeping too much inside, and you start to poison yourself. 
Get back on the horse. I know you can do it. 🌈
 
fresia me over and your dead to me
Maybe immature but they don't get the chance to do it again
 
Hello Hewhowalks!

I don't have any hormone problem or whatever but, I too have problems on boards and the likes. So, 1-it has nothing to do with your appearance, etc and, 2-everyone is pretty much"alike" on the net. I would say that harboring resentment has been one of my biggest ugh things in my life. I would not be able to sleep in thinking how I could fictively hurt the people who hurt me. From using the Death Note book to being a killer...and...I only wasted energy or...I thought I did. In the early 90s there was a culture of positiveness. People had cancer, would put positive memos all over, would continuously say they were ok, etc... Then (I don't remember who or where) someone came up with the notion that it wasn't healthy. When someone or something hurts you, it is good to hit the table and swear. It is a very normal reaction to dislike people whom you feel have hurt you.
Hope this helps a little!
 
^Absolutely.

It's neither childish nor immature or even weird to feel this way. You had the misfortune of running into people who treat being offended as their occupation. You were wronged and treated unfairly; I'd be more worried if you didn't have such a reaction to be honest.
If there are any "issues" with this situation at all, they're bound to lie in the way you choose to deal with this. Callie's certainly right in that you should evaluate just what you're going to gain out of this whole mess, or how much you can loose by dwelling on this.
I know, I really do know that it's easier said than done but letting go is the best approach here. To quote one of my favourite obscure music albums no one knows:
A man can achieve peace if he learns to let go.
There's definitely a lot of truth in that. The problem is getting there.

TheRealCallie said:
My advice would be to find something else to do. A new hobby, a new group of people, a new whatever. You seem to be doing quite well here, so why not cut your losses from that experience and start fresh with people who are more compassionate and kind?
Great idea! As a bonus, it also works on a subconcious level - once you find other people to hang out with, cool people who accept you the way you are - you'll prove to yourself that you weren't the problem. Things like that really help when you're trying to put your mind to rest.

Keep on moving, wolfman, leave the past in the dust.
 
Is it possible that it's not really the WhatsApp group that you feel the resentment towards but something bigger in your life that you feel it represents?
 
Could be - as it happens I'm fascinated by the subconscious mind. Perhaps mine is telling me something. Do you care to speculate?
 
That makes sense. I do recognize that friendship cannot be forced, and that everybody has a certain 'type' - I myself have met people who I would have no interest in hanging out with because they were either dull or too hyper. But I've always felt that people don't give me a chance - people see the hearing aids and the scrawny 'boy' image, and automatically shun me instead of taking the time to see me for who I am.
 
You can't change who you are. And you can't change how people react to you. I'm sorry that you have such a tough time with people in your personal life. From what I read of you on here, you seem like a well rounded and decent individual.

As mentioned by Callie, it's not healthy. What has it taught you? Some people have no decency. But I bet she isn't fixated on her decision to cut contact. So why are you feeling it for the both of you? You deserve to move on with your life, and rent that brain space out to things that are actually positive for you.

I have never done a meetup. I don't even know if there's groups available in my area, and I certainly don't have the courage to create my own. Could this be an opportunity for you to organize your own? Even if only a handful of people came out, it would allow you to be more specific for what you are looking for?

Something I do believe in, is if a person is taking themselves out into the public, it should be to somewhere that makes them comfortable and a place they enjoy being. Where is somewhere that you enjoy being? Is there anywhere that you go, where you forget about your health issues? If you don't have a place like this, I would really encourage you to start exploring. Just go somewhere, check out the sights and don't worry about who is around. Easier said than done, I know.
 
Immature? No. Resentment is a natural feeling when one feels betrayed or ostracized. That being said, and this is to be taken with reserve...its just a whatsapp group. It's not as if your sister slapped you at the face during a family dinner. Some people on the internet can for great friendships, even love, but...there IS a difference. The internet is not necessarily a reflection of real life unless you've met and spent time with the persons.

Bit of context. I was raised in the 80s and 90s. Pre internet. It started around the time I was in college to really get off (hehe, web based chatrooms like The Park :) ). But at the same time, we had a very clear view of the thing which I feel people are loosing and younger people will not know; it was designed as a tool to facilitate connecting with distant people, as well as entertainment. It was NOT designed to spend even a part of your life on it. When I read things about "online identities" where people react as if someone had actually stolen their homes, or push younger kids to suicidal thoughts...that scares me. Again, its a wonderful tool, but its not LIFE. In fact, you can live it exclusively without. Which I try to do as much as I can.

Anyway, all that to say that, its not like it's THAT important. In the sense you should try not to get too worked up and resentful towards people who don't really know you, or didnt care to.
 
Some very valid points from both of you. :)

AmyTheTempermental, I would have to say that my 'place' is the lake near our house. I do enjoy walks around it - it's secluded (mostly) and peaceful. Gets a bit cold when there's a breeze in the autumn and winter - but in the spring, and definitely in the summer, it's a great place to be.

:)
 
Nah, you're in the clear...provided it was legitimately met as platonic friendship that is.

The unfortunate fact of the matter is that MOST people have ulterior motives for using social networking platforms and the general rule of thumb is: It isn't an awkward thing, unless you make it an awkward thing.

I think that in all actuality probably very few people actually properly use social networking sites and sites like MeetUp under their actual original and proper context: To make platonic friendships with like-minded individuals. See, humans are instinctual creatures and as such they unfortunately will like a cancer spread. What I'm getting at here is: That which starts out totally innocent and at often times a genuinely good idea, eventually becomes a messed up and corrupted thing...particularly when it involves a person and/or an organization/s ego/finances/reputation.

So, no: You're not immature for harboring resentment against a website that started out under the interest of harboring local communities together and unfortunately ended up becoming a breeding grounds for sexual predators and ceepers. Because how the fresia could you have known that without this such of an experience otherwise showing you what it has so become??

The answer is: You couldn't.

Nobody can hold you at fault for not knowing what you don't know. And if somebody ever does, find me, talk to me, and I'll hold them at fault for a whole Hell of a lot of things that they don't know and see how they like it for you.

Life is a cruel and messed up thing, it just is what it is and that's why it is that way. The best you can really do is to try not to be a jackass unless you're very specifically and clearly provoked to be as such. Basically the way I look at things is: i'm a peaceful pacifist, unless forced into conflict...and if I'm going to be forced into conflict, I will make those forcing their conflict upon me into the peaceful pacifist that I myself have so become by the means in which I as became as I am...Except that, I know that I survived that because I am me...and unfortunately for them, that is not up for me to decide, it is up for them to decide. I run my life like a doomsday clock, that's why I'm in better control of it. All that it costs me is my sanity and every connection to this world that I have outside of what's literally at my fingertips.
 

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