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The Funeral.
#1
I buried my mother today.  I planned a minimalist graveside ceremony and by golly, it went pretty well.  Five neighbors from the village and eight of her friends showed up on a bitterly cold day and we said goodbye.  I spoke a brief eulogy praising her better attributes through life and omitted the long list of agonies she subjected me to and which I chose to accept as her volunteered caregiver son.
We witnessed the coffin lowered into the ground and we all dropped a long stemmed rose onto the box as we departed the graveside....there was a gesture of closure in that.....our Presbyterian pastor tells me he'll suggest including that part in future funerals.
The good news is that my brother and I are talking now.....after 15 years of total estrangement.  He loathed our mother and refused to attend the funeral.  Nevertheless he congratulated me on managing the ceremony  and also for my consenting to care for her all these years.  Would have been nice to have had some help from him but that's part of the past now.

It's time now to move forward.  I've got my health, I'm not poor and I've discovered that I have a few more friends than I thought....
Who knows, maybe I'll discover what it's like to be happy again?     Cool
Contentment comes from within.  Do not seek it from outside yourself.

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#2
I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like it was a lovely funeral.

Just remember that the future can hold pretty much whatever you want for you. I've read how much you've struggled over the years and I hope you can find some goodness and peace in your life.
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#3
My condolences.

And my best wishes for your future.
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#4
(01-22-2019, 10:55 AM)constant stranger Wrote: I buried my mother today.  I planned a minimalist graveside ceremony and by golly, it went pretty well.  Five neighbors from the village and eight of her friends showed up on a bitterly cold day and we said goodbye.  I spoke a brief eulogy praising her better attributes through life and omitted the long list of agonies she subjected me to and which I chose to accept as her volunteered caregiver son.
We witnessed the coffin lowered into the ground and we all dropped a long stemmed rose onto the box as we departed the graveside....there was a gesture of closure in that.....our Presbyterian pastor tells me he'll suggest including that part in future funerals.
The good news is that my brother and I are talking now.....after 15 years of total estrangement.  He loathed our mother and refused to attend the funeral.  Nevertheless he congratulated me on managing the ceremony  and also for my consenting to care for her all these years.  Would have been nice to have had some help from him but that's part of the past now.

It's time now to move forward.  I've got my health, I'm not poor and I've discovered that I have a few more friends than I thought....
Who knows, maybe I'll discover what it's like to be happy again?     Cool

So sorry for your loss. I’m glad the service was nice, a pat on your shoulder for arranging it on your own. Now it is time to focus on you- take care.
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#5
I am sorry for your loss. I do have a great deal of respect for those that take on the responsibility of being the caregiver for elderly parents. It sounds like you made it through a difficult day and all that leads up to it. I wish you the best.
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#6
Time heals pain. Stay strong, buddy.
To quote a popular werewolf film - 'Everyone's cursed.  It's called life'
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#7
I am so sorry for your loss. ((((hugs))))
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
— Dr. Seuss
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#8
(01-22-2019, 10:55 AM)constant stranger Wrote: I buried my mother today.  I planned a minimalist graveside ceremony and by golly, it went pretty well.  Five neighbors from the village and eight of her friends showed up on a bitterly cold day and we said goodbye.  I spoke a brief eulogy praising her better attributes through life and omitted the long list of agonies she subjected me to and which I chose to accept as her volunteered caregiver son.
We witnessed the coffin lowered into the ground and we all dropped a long stemmed rose onto the box as we departed the graveside....there was a gesture of closure in that.....our Presbyterian pastor tells me he'll suggest including that part in future funerals.
The good news is that my brother and I are talking now.....after 15 years of total estrangement.  He loathed our mother and refused to attend the funeral.  Nevertheless he congratulated me on managing  the ceremony  and also for my consenting to care for her all these years.  Would have been nice to have had some help from him but that's part of the past now.

It's time now to move forward.  I've got my health, I'm not poor and I've discovered that I have a few more friends than I thought....
Who knows, maybe I'll discover what it's like to be happy again?     Cool

I’m very sorry for the loss of your mother.
It was great that she had a beautiful funeral service and your communication with your brother  is back.
Take care of yourself, take one day at a time. I pray for comfort as you grieve and things will work out for you. God bless.
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#9
It's been thirteen weeks since her death on January 11th and my life is different.  Although I'm aware of her absence and the absence of the many, many problems she made for everyone in the family for so many years, what I really notice every day are the little pleasures I derive from the probably trivial changes I've made in the house.

I'm repainting.  I've rearranged furniture, put my own choices of artwork on the walls, given away the old family dinner table, put into storage all the paraphernalia for the entertaining we used to do overseas fifty years ago, I'm cooking only for myself  now and enjoying it, enjoying not needing to accommodate her needs.....the list goes on.  Disposing of her clothes, cosmetics, meds etc...that's a stage-by-stage long farewell kind of thing.  A lot of mixed feelings come up with that.  She was 94 and mood disordered her whole life.  She drove away two of her sons, her brother and her sister.  My one surviving brother refused to attend her funeral.  We were an effed up family.  I'm a long way from "settling" or "resolving" my feelings about the whole years and years of messes and what I had to manage while Dad and my two brothers just defaulted in their own ways.

My own social life?  Not that much different I'm afraid.  I still know a certain lady, but I'm the man she has "on the side.....".  There's a primary boyfriend who lives in the next state and there's me, the secondary relationship.  Inauthentic?  could be, but I've accepted it and with it some advantages and some disadvantages.  OK, at my age I'm not going to get the fairy tale ending, I'm playing the hand I've been dealt.  Weekends are off-limits for me, the rest of the week is off limits for him and she gets to decide that stuff.

I have lunch with a bunch of guys every Monday.  All old guys like me, guys who've lost someone recently....we were a grief counseling group and now we meet on our own.  I'm still actively volunteering with the public service gardening and education thing....the lady and are are partners there.  Every third Saturday I volunteer at a food pantry giveaway.  Every other month I bake the communion bread for church....gluten free.

In June I go back to vending at the farmers market...yay!  It's like a party I go to every Saturday morning except I make a little money and schmooze with the other vendors and my regular customers.

That's pretty much my life.  When probate is completed and the farm is legally mine, with the house and the brokerage accounts too, the logistics of life will be a bit different, simpler and easier I should think.

Oh yeah, I'm traveling abroad with the lady again, two years since last time.  
This is just a check-in post, in case anybody on here cares to know.

Cool
Contentment comes from within.  Do not seek it from outside yourself.

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#10
Glad to read that you are doing well. Thank you for sharing.
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