Hello from Oregon

I am 53 and have been so lonely lately I can't stand it. My story is long and as much as it pains me to relive it all I feel its important to  share it with you all.
  I had a couple girlfriends in high school. More a product of opportunity than a case of really  admiring someone and having it returned but I was a teen age boy so it filled the need. Both ended in me being left  for another. After high school I dated a sociopath for a few months who lied about everything and so off I went again. Left one more time.
 Feeling pretty gun shy I ran an ad in the paper and got like 40 replies. first one didn't work out but the second was a girl pregnant with some other guys kid. I thought  " what could be safer than  that?" So for some reason I married her. Soon had a kid of our own and year after year ticked by. We were a terrible match but made the most of it. I felt like a room mate the entire time. Caught her cheating on me and of course forgave her even though it ate at me for years and years. Fast forward to  us being married 26 years and my wife found an old friend of ours from 25 years ago. I always liked her so I started talking to her. We were both born with really high IQs and had so much in common it was scary. We started talking  all day from work on-line. Phone calls whenever we could.  For the first time in my 51 years I fell in love with someone for all the right reasons. I adored her. I have never felt that way about anyone in my life and I really believed she felt the same. She lived in New Mexico but we met up on " business trips" 6 times for up to a week at a time. It was truly the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. This went on for a year and a half. She was also married and had ptsd from her first husband who messed her up pretty good in ways I won't get into but suffice to say it was worse than you are imagining. She was also a sex addict and had had a boyfriend on the side her entire 20 year marriage. What we had was really unique and true for more of the time it went on. But she started not wanting to take the next step and my wife found out and she broke it off. Would not speak to me.We went from living in each others pockets for almost two years to nothing. I was devastated. Absolutely crushed. I wrote her more emails than I care to admit for about 14 months hoping she would at least want to be friends. But no... I moved out and got my own place. I don't miss my wife at all. I am resigned that Lisa ( my affair) and I will never be friends but it can bring tears to my eyes thinking of here in less than a minute to this very day.
 I have a good career as an engineer and I love my job. I had developed a fair sized drug habit in the wake of my losing Lisa but have gotten into recovery and am trying to turn that around but its so very hard when its the only thing in your life that brings you any joy. I have almost no friends anymore. Never talk to my family. Never.
 I have one friend that is living on my couch in my studio that I am about sick of but I am so very lonely. I have tried making a connection with several women online but they always disappear on me. I wasn't born one of the beautiful people and I can't help but feel I will be alone for the rest of my life. I am so far in debt form my  ( now past) drug habit I can't see any way out. My dog is the only thing keeping me here. 
 I have so much to give someone. I want to feel like I did with Lisa so bad I can not stand it. I want to fall in love again. But I would be happy with just a few friends. I will answer any questions anyone asks. And sorry to sound like such a downer but  honestly that is why I am here. 
 If anyone wants to chat that would be great. 

Jeff

Welcome to the forum, Jeff.

Hello.
Welcome to the forum. 
Sounds like it’s been rough lately. 
I hope you find someone to talk too. Lots of nice people here. 
Sending a hug your way.

Thank you.. I really need it.
Biggest part of my problem is a broken heart. Even though I was a bit used and played I still loved her like no one I ever have.
 And knowing I will never have that again is hard to bear.

Jeff

Love hurts.

I am sorry for what you are going through, jwags818. It certainly gets lonely when you cannot find such person.
A person with a healthy, positive outlook in life, inner joy, physically and mentally healthy, are like magnets. People are drawn to such person. Friendships can form. And maybe someone special. I hope this helps in some way.