Can you imagine falling in love

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Lonewolf33

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with someone and that person reciprocating your feelings? Intellectually, I know this much happen fairly often. From the perspective of a person that has a better chance of being abducted by Aliens, it’s very far-fetched idea. 


PS
Sorry if I’m over-posting
 
I don't even think that it's possible for a woman to be attracted to me due to the fact that I didn't go through puberty efficiently - I look like a scrawny teenager. Not to mention my socially inept personality.
 
People fall in love all the time, it is so easy to simply "fall" in love. 

The question here is, is it real?

A person can say they are in love with you, hang out with you, and talk till the sun comes up. Every time you are together you are inebriated on that intoxicating feeling of attraction and "Love" for each other that you want to spend every waking moment with each other. This sounds like romance, like it could be real, but its not.....its a high and reality is always there, waiting for you to crash.  

Later, when the romance has faded, if they don't do anything to prove they actually care about you back by making sacrifices or just accepting you for who you are, not what they thought you were, then that person never loved you....they only loved what you gave them.

When you feel that you've fallen in love, take a second to think. Are you in love? or are you heavily romanticizing the image of your partner that you can't see their flaws?

To summarize, its not a question of if you can fall in love, its when. And when you do, just be careful. Set healthy boundaries and protect yourself.
 
Been there, done that. I'm honestly at the stage of wondering if it's worthwhile to ever try again and if I've the strenght for it. After almost 11 years of being single now, I still don't know if I have the answer.
 
Phantimos said:
People fall in love all the time, it is so easy to simply "fall" in love. 

The question here is, is it real?

A person can say they are in love with you, hang out with you, and talk till the sun comes up. Every time you are together you are inebriated on that intoxicating feeling of attraction and "Love" for each other that you want to spend every waking moment with each other. This sounds like romance, like it could be real, but its not.....its a high and reality is always there, waiting for you to crash.  

Later, when the romance has faded, if they don't do anything to prove they actually care about you back by making sacrifices or just accepting you for who you are, not what they thought you were, then that person never loved you....they only loved what you gave them.

When you feel that you've fallen in love, take a second to think. Are you in love? or are you heavily romanticizing the image of your partner that you can't see their flaws?

To summarize, its not a question of if you can fall in love, its when. And when you do, just be careful. Set healthy boundaries and protect yourself.

Yes the best way to protect yourself is don’t do it. Unless you’re someone moderately successful st dating its better to be closed off no potential for hurt or rejection. 
 
No. There was a time when I was actively looking for it, then there was a period where I was just doing my thing and hanging out around people thinking that "maybe I shouldn't force it and just let it happen" (it didn't) and now that I've transitioned into a 100% basement dweller, I don't think it's even a possibility at this point.

And considering my plans for the year, things are probably better this way. I don't think having a loving partner would change my mind anyway, but it sure as hell would make it much more difficult for me to get things done.
 
Lonewolf33 said:
Phantimos said:
People fall in love all the time, it is so easy to simply "fall" in love. 

The question here is, is it real?

A person can say they are in love with you, hang out with you, and talk till the sun comes up. Every time you are together you are inebriated on that intoxicating feeling of attraction and "Love" for each other that you want to spend every waking moment with each other. This sounds like romance, like it could be real, but its not.....its a high and reality is always there, waiting for you to crash.  

Later, when the romance has faded, if they don't do anything to prove they actually care about you back by making sacrifices or just accepting you for who you are, not what they thought you were, then that person never loved you....they only loved what you gave them.

When you feel that you've fallen in love, take a second to think. Are you in love? or are you heavily romanticizing the image of your partner that you can't see their flaws?

To summarize, its not a question of if you can fall in love, its when. And when you do, just be careful. Set healthy boundaries and protect yourself.

Yes the best way to protect yourself is don’t do it. Unless you’re someone moderately successful st dating its better to be closed off no potential for hurt or rejection. 

That's not the point i am making.

Fall in love, make your mistakes and learn from them. Getting hurt is an unavoidable part of life, it helps us learn, it helps us grow. The key is to make sure you aren't hurt too much. 

Just have healthy boundaries, and by that i mean, when you fall in love, do not go ape-honeysuckle, do not go overboard because you feel this overwhelming urge to show your love. Doing so will make it hurt so much more when the ugly truth comes out.

Have a slow, steady, and measured approach. Observe your partner and do not be afraid to disagree/challenge them. Anyone who will leave/threaten to leave because of that is not someone you want in your life and could easily be using your love to manipulate you into getting what they love to get from you.

However, don't you dare avoid love. It is a beautiful feeling that is so mesmerizing in its beauty, so hypnotic in its complexity, so mysterious in its nature that poets, novelists, and songwriters have been trying to put it to words for centuries and they have barely scratched its surface. I am referring of course to healthy love.

But, whatever you do, its your decision, your choice.
 
Phantimos said:
Lonewolf33 said:
Phantimos said:
People fall in love all the time, it is so easy to simply "fall" in love. 

The question here is, is it real?

A person can say they are in love with you, hang out with you, and talk till the sun comes up. Every time you are together you are inebriated on that intoxicating feeling of attraction and "Love" for each other that you want to spend every waking moment with each other. This sounds like romance, like it could be real, but its not.....its a high and reality is always there, waiting for you to crash.  

Later, when the romance has faded, if they don't do anything to prove they actually care about you back by making sacrifices or just accepting you for who you are, not what they thought you were, then that person never loved you....they only loved what you gave them.

When you feel that you've fallen in love, take a second to think. Are you in love? or are you heavily romanticizing the image of your partner that you can't see their flaws?

To summarize, its not a question of if you can fall in love, its when. And when you do, just be careful. Set healthy boundaries and protect yourself.

Yes the best way to protect yourself is don’t do it. Unless you’re someone moderately successful st dating its better to be closed off no potential for hurt or rejection. 

That's not the point i am making.

Fall in love, make your mistakes and learn from them. Getting hurt is an unavoidable part of life, it helps us learn, it helps us grow. The key is to make sure you aren't hurt too much. 

Just have healthy boundaries, and by that i mean, when you fall in love, do not go ape-honeysuckle, do not go overboard because you feel this overwhelming urge to show your love. Doing so will make it hurt so much more when the ugly truth comes out.

Have a slow, steady, and measured approach. Observe your partner and do not be afraid to disagree/challenge them. Anyone who will leave/threaten to leave because of that is not someone you want in your life and could easily be using your love to manipulate you into getting what they love to get from you.

However, don't you dare avoid love. It is a beautiful feeling that is so mesmerizing in its beauty, so hypnotic in its complexity, so mysterious in its nature that poets, novelists, and songwriters have been trying to put it to words for centuries and they have barely scratched its surface. I am referring of course to healthy love.

But, whatever you do, its your decision, your choice.

It’s not so much that I was agreeing with your original point. I think what you’re saying is very sound advice. On the other hand I don’t believe that everyone will ever have the opportunity to even get into a relationship where your advice is relevant. Meaning that not everyone is destined to experience the great all encompassing love relationship. That old adage that there is someone for everyone isn’t true. Some of us just aren’t going to meet their “one” so we’re left with two options loving from afar or never opening ourself up to love. Regardless of what actions a person may take even if they do everything right it still will not make another love you. So that’s why my best advice is that know your limitations. Don’t believe the ridiculous societal notions that you’re going to be in a stable loving relationship it just isn’t in the cards for all of us.
 
Not really. I kind of don't believe in the idea of a romantic love anymore. At times I like to think that it's real, because it feels and looks like it's real, but it's not real. You know the messed up thing is that I've been single long enough now that it honestly doesn't bother me for more than 15 minutes to an hour a week, tops. I've met enough unhappy couples, seen enough breakups and divorces, seen enough failed relationships and failed parenting, and been through enough failed relationships. So, all I did was just reallocate my wager to betting that there's less depth there than meets the eye with romantic-type interpersonal relationships. I prefer close platonic friendships with women (very much in the same way that I will have close platonic friendships with my male friends), because it keeps the boundaries separate and respect mutual, keeps it calm and just in general less pressure. I don't even touch the idea of romantic conception with a 10 ft pole these days. I don't have the time, for one thing. And I **** sure don't have the resources or energy to. It's more likely that what I need/want will walk right passed me and say Hello to me and I won't even get it because it probably won't be direct...which sucks, yes, but not as much as when things don't work out with someone and you've already decided to try living together, THAT sucks way the fresia more: Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, no thanks. I've kind of made a contracting career as an adult out of trying to avoid getting into situations that I cannot then get back out of without going through more hoops than it's worth to me.
 
IncolaVacui said:
Not really. I kind of don't believe in the idea of a romantic love anymore. At times I like to think that it's real, because it feels and looks like it's real, but it's not real. You know the messed up thing is that I've been single long enough now that it honestly doesn't bother me for more than 15 minutes to an hour a week, tops. I've met enough unhappy couples, seen enough breakups and divorces, seen enough failed relationships and failed parenting, and been through enough failed relationships. So, all I did was just reallocate my wager to betting that there's less depth there than meets the eye with romantic-type interpersonal relationships. I prefer close platonic friendships with women (very much in the same way that I will have close platonic friendships with my male friends), because it keeps the boundaries separate and respect mutual, keeps it calm and just in general less pressure. I don't even touch the idea of romantic conception with a 10 ft pole these days. I don't have the time, for one thing. And I **** sure don't have the resources or energy to. It's more likely that what I need/want will walk right passed me and say Hello to me and I won't even get it because it probably won't be direct...which sucks, yes, but not as much as when things don't work out with someone and you've already decided to try living together, THAT sucks way the fresia more: Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, no thanks. I've kind of made a contracting career as an adult out of trying to avoid getting into situations that I cannot then get back out of without going through more hoops than it's worth to me.

I you genuinely feel this way at your age then you might want to get your testosterone levels checked. It's not so easy for everyone to switch off these desires. Wish it were. Maybe 'getting the t shirt' helps.
 
ardour said:
IncolaVacui said:
Not really. I kind of don't believe in the idea of a romantic love anymore. At times I like to think that it's real, because it feels and looks like it's real, but it's not real. You know the messed up thing is that I've been single long enough now that it honestly doesn't bother me for more than 15 minutes to an hour a week, tops. I've met enough unhappy couples, seen enough breakups and divorces, seen enough failed relationships and failed parenting, and been through enough failed relationships. So, all I did was just reallocate my wager to betting that there's less depth there than meets the eye with romantic-type interpersonal relationships. I prefer close platonic friendships with women (very much in the same way that I will have close platonic friendships with my male friends), because it keeps the boundaries separate and respect mutual, keeps it calm and just in general less pressure. I don't even touch the idea of romantic conception with a 10 ft pole these days. I don't have the time, for one thing. And I **** sure don't have the resources or energy to. It's more likely that what I need/want will walk right passed me and say Hello to me and I won't even get it because it probably won't be direct...which sucks, yes, but not as much as when things don't work out with someone and you've already decided to try living together, THAT sucks way the fresia more: Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, no thanks. I've kind of made a contracting career as an adult out of trying to avoid getting into situations that I cannot then get back out of without going through more hoops than it's worth to me.

I you genuinely feel this way at your age then you might want to get your testosterone levels checked. It's not so easy for everyone to switch off these desires. Wish it were. Maybe 'getting the t shirt' helps.

My t-levels are fine, I've just seen some very traumatizing honeysuckle in my life, is all.
The average breakup of a longterm relationship in a person's life typically doesn't consist of having to throw away 4 beach towels soaked in human blood that I had to clean off of 3 walls in my bathroom, a wall in my kitchen, my bedroom door, and a trail that went through all of said rooms, along with dealing with that person for 3 or 4 days before I had to call the police and have that person taken out of my home, wherein afterwards she came back to get her stuff a week or two later with paperwork actually diagnosing her with NPD from her doctor. Then there's the generic "my ex left me for an older guy who could provide more for her than I could" schpiel, next two girls I tried dating both ended up being closet drug addicts which is interesting because I was living in different cities both times, I kind of hit a point where I went full-blown misanthropy and totally gave up all hope, realizing that it was costing me more time, energy, and money than what it was actually worth to me. On top of that honeysuckle, I've also got the system slanted against me because I'm 1/4 people in my immediate, nearly-homeless family, and I'm the only one that DOESN'T have a crippling substance abuse issue. So, I can't imagine a situation in which I would feel like attempting to waste my time and energy on the falsifications of hope when I can just fabricate a reality for myself through old-school critical thinking skills. Because, don't get me wrong, love is interesting, but it's not nearly as interesting to me as the ideas of sustainable survival. I've always told myself that I prefer building a relationship from the ground up, and that if I ever do end up being successfully sustainable while single and establish a controlled and peaceful environment for myself, I'd be so fed up with the fantasy of love that I'd just throw in the towel and call it a day for it. The ends just justify the means to me. I was a lover, once upon a time...I'm just better cut out for the fight in life, is all. Honestly, I'm actually kind of finally in a place of clarity about it, and falling in love would disrupt that, and I'd have to go through the cycle all over again and I'd just rather...not?? You know?? Hahaha.
 
ardour said:
I you genuinely feel this way at your age then you might want to get your testosterone levels checked. It's not so easy for everyone to switch off these desires. Wish it were. Maybe 'getting the t shirt' helps.

I want to touch upon the 'getting the T-shirt' concept. I think alot of us here would be perfectly fine with living a a solitary existence. But, I think we need to experience that otherside first. Like, if I could have a relationship that last say, 3 to 6 months, it breaks down either amicably or otherwise, then I could say, 'yeah, this relationship nonsense sucks! fresia doing that again!'. And I'd know that I'd have true agency in my choice, instead of it being because I'm defected at a fundamental level. As it is now, I, like many of us here can only look in from the outside, while being told 'it's not worth it bro', by those we're expected to believe know better.
 
Red_Wedding_Casualty said:
ardour said:
I you genuinely feel this way at your age then you might want to get your testosterone levels checked. It's not so easy for everyone to switch off these desires. Wish it were. Maybe 'getting the t shirt' helps.

I want to touch upon the 'getting the T-shirt' concept. I think alot of us here would be perfectly fine with living a a solitary existence. But, I think we need to experience that otherside first. Like, if I could have a relationship that last say, 3 to 6 months, it breaks down either amicably or otherwise, then I could say, 'yeah, this relationship nonsense sucks! fresia doing that again!'. And I'd know that I'd have true agency in my choice, instead of it being because I'm defected at a fundamental level. As it is now, I, like many of us here can only look in from the outside, while being told 'it's not worth it bro', by those we're expected to believe know better.

That's not what I was saying at all, I was speaking entirely from first person perspective and stream of consciousness thought. It's inparticular to me what other people do, unless it directly effects me I don't really care. And yes, obviously if you have no experience than getting that experience would be a priority because: how can you say how much the stone weighs unless you actually move it yourself? It's a learning experience, there are several of those throughout life.
 
Probably, but with my own insecurities about myself and how mediocre I feel about myself, I don't think anyone could ever truly fall in love with me. I fear rejection and ridicule especially from a woman. On the other hand, I think I may have the emotional maturity to handle it. But I'm sure a person can only handle so much emotionally. 

In my situation, I find it hard to attract a woman, and also keep their interest. Best thing I got going right now is an older woman in Texas, but I live in California. I plan on seeing her. I think we do connect.
 
FrayedEndsOfSanity32 said:
Probably, but with my own insecurities about myself and how mediocre I feel about myself, I don't think anyone could ever truly fall in love with me. I fear rejection and ridicule especially from a woman. On the other hand, I think I may have the emotional maturity to handle it. But I'm sure a person can only handle so much emotionally. 

In my situation, I find it hard to attract a woman, and also keep their interest. Best thing I got going right now is an older woman in Texas, but I live in California. I plan on seeing her. I think we do connect.


Good luck to you hope things work out
 
I've been in love.  I've been loved.  Things didn't work out.

I think what is very hard, not impossible but ever increasingly unlikely, is to have a relationship that lasts a lifetime.  Reason?  Societal expectations.

Had my parents, who celebrated their 50th before they passed away, expected to live the happily ever after lifestyle or just give up and get divorced, they'd have been divorced.  Fortunately for me, I came twenty years after they were married, they dealt with hard times and not being perfect for each other and kept going.

Had my first wife, whose parents dang near hit their 50th before one passed away, expected to live that same happily ever after myth or just give up and get divorced, they'd have been divorced.

My first wife and I, who lasted 23 years, and that through raising a child with severe special needs which the end result is marriages in the same situation END over 70% of the time...had we stayed away from the myth of perfection, I think we'd still be married.

But somebody, and it wasn't me, decided they weren't in perfect love in a perfect life and I'll never forget what my soon to be ex whispered under her breath when I took a new job and I replied to her what my salary would be.  "That's not good enough."  She was measuring me, considering if after that much time she'd reached a point where she could do better on her own?

And the separation, upon her demand, came less than 30 days after I heard that whispered judgement of my value to her.

Less than a year later, we were divorced, our child was in assisted living, and our two cats had been taken back to the kill shelter where we had rescued them.

I admit to carrying the weight of being destroyed financially and mentally in the divorce and was, and still am, in no position to have intervened for the others affected.  In fact it was the eruption of my struggles with mental disorders, hardest to deal with being Severe Agoraphobia with Panic Disorder.  Honestly I was beaten and dang near ready to take a long swim in one direction until I could swim no more.

That was almost 15 years ago.  And I'll tell you my decision making ability was destroyed, as was my skill at dealing with other people.  I made a horrible choice and married again...a marriage I escaped from myself.  But to get free I gave up everything of value I'd managed to build up in a few years.  I got on a revolving turret, get knocked down, get back up, get knocked down.

Only in the last couple of years, thanks to professional help, caring blood relations, and some weird ability I have to get up each day wondering what happens if I give it a go one more time...have I finally ended up having a decent life.

Minus a close relationship.  Completely alone.  I'd be accurate to say that other than getting groceries..which I avoid going around crowds..that in a thirty day month I am completely cut off from anyone 28 of those days.  I just about might as well be on a deserted island where a ship drops off supplies once a week.  Just about.

But in this long diatribe of loss, I know I could still love and be loved.  And for all my issues I still know that there are many neat things about me.  But what I don't think I can overcome, is this media fed Happily Ever After myth that people in love expect to have throughout their lives...and my fear that being far less than perfect, I can not live up to anyone's expectations.
 
I just can’t imagine being loved to me it’s a completely foreign concept anytime I’ve opened up myself it always end the same way. Like marriage that’s like playing the lottery for me being with someone to the point where we talk about being married and actually marrying.
 
I’m not sure I could handle the intermittent dramas and testing of my masculinity just to keep someone interested. On the other hand, losers are still human beings, and yeah I’d also like to get said t-shirt, have at least some idea of what it's like to be close to someone romantically to move on from.

As it is I’m basically the perfect storm of everything a 30 something woman would be repelled by. Ugly face/head shape, inexperienced and anxiety ridden. 50 years ago an inexperienced 40 year old might have been considered wayward but still ‘eligible'; now we are cancer: overgrown man children or some kind of maladjusted creep. The level of confidence it would take to overcome this is exhausting just to think about.
 

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