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Can you imagine falling in love
Maybe you could start by believing you're actually worth something. You are, you know...everyone is.

Personally, inexperience would be rather refreshing at this point in my life.
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I could imagine it sure, I have a very good imagination and know enough people who have fallen in love. it's easy to imagine something it's different actually obtaining it.
Sickos never scare me. Least they're committed.  
Never Give Up!  Never Surrender!

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(02-20-2019, 10:50 AM)TheRealCallie Wrote: Maybe you could start by believing you're actually worth something.  You are, you know...everyone is.  

Personally, inexperience would be rather refreshing at this point in my life.

It would be nice to believe but than there’s reality

I’m pretty sure I’m a masochist because I put myself in situations to be hurt/rejected. The results are always the same. I’m not even blaming other people I know there is something wrong or some social defect that I have that makes people push me away.
(02-18-2019, 12:29 AM)DanL53 Wrote: I've been in love.  I've been loved.  Things didn't work out.

I think what is very hard, not impossible but ever increasingly unlikely, is to have a relationship that lasts a lifetime.  Reason?  Societal expectations.

Had my parents, who celebrated their 50th before they passed away, expected to live the happily ever after lifestyle or just give up and get divorced, they'd have been divorced.  Fortunately for me, I came twenty years after they were married, they dealt with hard times and not being perfect for each other and kept going.

Had my first wife, whose parents dang near hit their 50th before one passed away, expected to live that same happily ever after myth or just give up and get divorced, they'd have been divorced.

My first wife and I, who lasted 23 years, and that through raising a child with severe special needs which the end result is marriages in the same situation END over 70% of the time...had we stayed away from the myth of perfection, I think we'd still be married.

But somebody, and it wasn't me, decided they weren't in perfect love in a perfect life and I'll never forget what my soon to be ex whispered under her breath when I took a new job and I replied to her what my salary would be.  "That's not good enough."  She was measuring me, considering if after that much time she'd reached a point where she could do better on her own?

And the separation, upon her demand, came less than 30 days after I heard that whispered judgement of my value to her.

Less than a year later, we were divorced, our child was in assisted living, and our two cats had been taken back to the kill shelter where we had rescued them.

I admit to carrying the weight of being destroyed financially and mentally in the divorce and was, and still am, in no position to have intervened for the others affected.  In fact it was the eruption of my struggles with mental disorders, hardest to deal with being Severe Agoraphobia with Panic Disorder.  Honestly I was beaten and dang near ready to take a long swim in one direction until I could swim no more.

That was almost 15 years ago.  And I'll tell you my decision making ability was destroyed, as was my skill at dealing with other people.  I made a horrible choice and married again...a marriage I escaped from myself.  But to get free I gave up everything of value I'd managed to build up in a few years.  I got on a revolving turret, get knocked down, get back up, get knocked down.

Only in the last couple of years, thanks to professional help, caring blood relations, and some weird ability I have to get up each day wondering what happens if I give it a go one more time...have I finally ended up having a decent life.

Minus a close relationship.  Completely alone.  I'd be accurate to say that other than getting groceries..which I avoid going around crowds..that in a thirty day month I am completely cut off from anyone 28 of those days.  I just about might as well be on a deserted island where a ship drops off supplies once a week.  Just about.

But in this long diatribe of loss, I know I could still love and be loved.  And for all my issues I still know that there are many neat things about me.  But what I don't think I can overcome, is this media fed Happily Ever After myth that people in love expect to have throughout their lives...and my fear that being far less than perfect, I can not live up to anyone's expectations.

I hear you brother. I was in a relationship (common-law) for 26 years. No kids. Until 2009, I was in a pretty good job I enjoyed making pretty good money and things were going well (also had two cats) until the company decided to shut down. One day a few years later, I experienced a rupture in my intestinal tract (family history of diverculitis) and ending up in the hospital for two weeks and came out of it with a colostomy bag attached to my gut. Although I know there are many people in that situation who lead good lives, I found it hard to cope with and it made me unable to work. After a year, I was able to have a second surgery to get it removed and, after recovery, began actively looking for a job (meanwhile I was blowing through my savings and 401K because by SO demanded it). At that time, the job market was slim to none with lots of people looking and not many hiring so I tried to do my part, after spending half the day sending resumes, etc., to contribute by cleaning the house, grocery shopping, cooking, and taking care of the cats. Since I didn't have a car at the time, I asked her one Wednesday if I might borrow hers one day a week to go to interviews and she said yes. I was so happy and thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. Not to be as the very next day she came home and told me she was leaving and the apartment was paid up for the next month and a half. I had no car, no job, no money and after that, no hope. I reached out to my only family, a sister who I thought I was close to, and she basically said "too bad". That really left me shell shocked as I never doubted she would be there for me as I had been for her on two occassions. I had to sell the bedtroom furniture to have some money and a friend has been letting me stay at their place but it’s far from ideal. A friend who’s wife had essentially done the same to him years earlier gave me some advice: “When women get older they become more interested in someone who can provide for them rather than someone who really loves them” and I have found this to be true, although I’m certain there may be exceptions to that. Several times I tried to get her to explain why she felt the way she did and her story kept changing and morphing constantly. In spite of this, after three years I still love her and miss what I thought was my family. Keep your chin up brother - I’m still trying to do that myself.
Not anymore.
Yes, very easily, because I've experienced it twice in just a year's time to a serious degree each time.

It can and will happen again, but it might take a bit of time. But there's no rush. At least I've learned a few of the pitfalls from my mistakes. Love and learn, or so they say.
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