Being an ugly girl

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sunflower_

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Hi! I'm sorry for the rant but I just really want to talk to someone about this and hopefully get some advice, although most of this will just be me complaining.

I am a very ugly girl and it is starting to affect my life. My weight was always in the normal range but I've lost about 12kg recently and while I hoped to feel slightly better about myself, I don't. I have a very unattractive and boyish body shape and there is nothing I can do in order to change that, narrow hips, wide waist, huge shoulders and flat-chested, the worst combination and to top it all off I have a really big face. Lately that is all I can think about, looking at the mirror for a long time, comparing myself to everyone I see, which makes me feel really guilty, it's better when I am really busy like during exam season but I waste a considerable amount of time just hating how I look and sometimes it is hard to even get up and go somewhere. I worked really hard and got accepted into one of the world's top 30 universities to get a very respectable degree (it still amazes me how I managed to survive the interview), I volunteer for two different projects so I can improve my personality, I am on a diet to avoid gaining all that weight back, I always dress femininely, make sure I smell nice, keep my hair long, yet my confidence is as low as it can be. Talking to new people is so difficult, I don't go to events I want to go to unless I know one of my friends is going too, friends who I feel are only with me because they pity me and honestly I feel sorry that they have to deal with me.

I have never told anyone else about this and I just wanted to get it off my chest, sorry that you had to read through something like that and thank you!
 
When I was bigger, I thought losing weight would help me too, but it didn't. Your issues, like mine, go deeper than that. But let me ask you this, what do OTHER people think? Do they feel the same way about your looks? What do the people that care about you think? A lot of times, it's more in your head than anything else. That's how it is with me. It sounds like you may have a touch of body dysmorphic disorder.

I'm not really sure I can give you advice, other than to stop focusing so much on your looks and start focusing on your other accomplishments, which sound pretty **** abundant. You could also try playing up some of your features. Play around with makeup and see if you can't do something to help how you feel about yourself with that. Play around with your hair and see if that helps. Try on clothes that you don't normally wear to see if that helps. Focus on the parts of you that you do like, there has to be something. Play those features up and you may not focus so much on what you don't like.
 
This post reminds me of someone on a forum once who had BDD (Body dysmorphic disorder) and picked at his 'flaws' constantly.
Thing was, he was a really attractive guy! And I had no doubts he was constantly getting PM pestered by the ladies!

It's easy to think ourselves as ugly, especially when compared to all these supposed 'models' we see on TV all the time.
I used to think myself ugly quite a lot, but thinking like that made me not care about how I looked. I was doing the whole 'why bother if nobody would like me anyway' routine and let myself slip a little with my appearance. But with some effort that was turned around and I try not to think like that anymore.

Just don't think you're ugly as I'm sure you're not. And even if you have traits you don't think are attractive. Say for example your smaller bust. You'd think all guys loved those massive fake things, but trust me when I say many of us don't! It's all subjective! Pretty to one won't be pretty to another, and the other way around. :)
 
Hey there, sunflower
Complain as much as you want, it helps to get things off one's chest.

It really sucks to be stuck in a body you dislike. I'm sorry to hear that it's something you're dealing with. I know how it feels to be very conscious of what you perceive as a flaw, maybe thinking that everyone's staring while you aren't looking or talking about it behind your back. I know this perhaps isn't something that'd necessarily cheer you up, but I do hope that you realize that a fair share of people regarded as beautiful do suffer from the same doubts, after all, we ourselves are our harshest critics. And to add on top of that, society's obsession with looks makes those of us who ... ermm ... "underperform" in the area feel much worse than we should, really.
You're saying that you have a very unattractive body shape, but are you sure this isn't just you being too harsh on yourself? Quite honestly, your description doesn't really work for me. I've seen female body builders who managed to look absolutely stunning, feminine and cute, even though they had somewhat masculine facial features and bodies that could rival those of the incredible Hulk (wide, rather flat chests etc.). Probably not the first image that pops into your mind when you think about feminine charm. Sooo ... I'm not buying that you're just unattractive and that's that.
Perhaps you could consider a different hairstyle, long hair is one thing but maybe the style you chose just doesn't mesh well with your facial features? Maybe try out a different style of clothing? Play around with some makeup? It could just be the wrong choice of color?
And like Callie said, stop trying to put yourself down, be **** proud of what you've achieved because from the sound of it, you've plenty of reasons to do so. :)
 
The laws of attraction are definitely way more psychological and mental than physical. I have...good reason to be paranoid about my online identity: I've been subjected to identity theft, AND robbed at gunpoint by someone I met online less than 5 years ago. BUT, also at the same time, I get it. I know where that tunnel goes...it's not pretty...it's a lot of things, but pretty isn't one of them. What you sound like you need, is honesty, support, and friendship. There's unfortunately not a lot of that which is genuine online these days anymore, especially with how things currently are. Shoot me a PM if you want to bounce some thoughts or ideas around, okay?? Keep safe.


bSE1uz37_400x400.jpg
 
sunflower_ said:
I worked really hard and got accepted into one of the world's top 30 universities to get a very respectable degree

How about you give yourself a pat on the back for this? There are probably people who might consider to be 'better looking than you' who are too underachieved to get accepted to one of the world's top 30 universities. I don't consider myself physically attractive (with me it's because I didn't go through puberty efficiently, and look like a scrawny kid) - yet it's my academic inadequacy that bothers me the most. (Sure I miss out on romance, but I don't feel bad about myself because I don't look my age - that's what I mean :)).

Well done for getting into university.

May I ask, what are you studying - or, what are you going to study?
 
TheRealCallie said:
When I was bigger, I thought losing weight would help me too, but it didn't.  Your issues, like mine, go deeper than that.  But let me ask you this, what do OTHER people think?  Do they feel the same way about your looks? What do the people that care about you think? A lot of times, it's more in your head than anything else.  That's how it is with me.  It sounds like you may have a touch of body dysmorphic disorder.  

I'm not really sure I can give you advice, other than to stop focusing so much on your looks and start focusing on your other accomplishments, which sound pretty **** abundant. You could also try playing up some of your features.  Play around with makeup and see if you can't do something to help how you feel about yourself with that.  Play around with your hair and see if that helps.  Try on clothes that you don't normally wear to see if that helps.  Focus on the parts of you that you do like, there has to be something.  Play those features up and you may not focus so much on what you don't like.

Thank you for reading and replying, it is my first time posting on this forum and I was quite nervous about not getting any replies. 

Before I used to not care as much and just accept that I was ugly but for a few months it is really all I can think about. How no matter how much I try this is all I am really going to be. 

I have been trying to make myself busy so I don't have time to think about it but that has just made me feel very stressed, worsening the problem.


As for asking other people who care about  me, I am afraid of bringing more attention to my appearance and I don't think they would actually tell me the truth because they do not want me to get hurt. Sometimes I make jokes about my broad shoulder or my awful face because I don't want people to know that I care so much about it that they could use it against me.

I feel like everything that is wrong with my appearance is just so obvious that it would be impossible to hide because proportion wise it is all wrong.
 
Your self image is defined by your own mind. Even if you look like a model, you can still find reasons to hate yourself if you don't appreciate the good things about you. Take a good look at yourself and honestly weigh your pros and cons.

I don't know what you look like but i am 100% sure you don't look as bad as you think you do. That being said, if you say your face is too big, then get a bigger body to match. Don't go on a diet, have healthy eating habits instead. Eat like a human being and start lifting weights, focus on doing squats and abs with a little bit of back and shoulders to keep things in proportion. Training won't only improve your physique and thus your self image, it'll do wonders for your confidence too.

It's going to be hard at first but it gets easier with every day, you gotta do it everyday though.
 
Valkatox said:
This post reminds me of someone on a forum once who had BDD (Body dysmorphic disorder) and picked at his 'flaws' constantly.
Thing was, he was a really attractive guy! And I had no doubts he was constantly getting PM pestered by the ladies!

It's easy to think ourselves as ugly, especially when compared to all these supposed 'models' we see on TV all the time.
I used to think myself ugly quite a lot, but thinking like that made me not care about how I looked. I was doing the whole 'why bother if nobody would like me anyway' routine and let myself slip a little with my appearance. But with some effort that was turned around and I try not to think like that anymore.

Just don't think you're ugly as I'm sure you're not. And even if you have traits you don't think are attractive. Say for example your smaller bust. You'd think all guys loved those massive fake things, but trust me when I say many of us don't! It's all subjective! Pretty to one won't be pretty to another, and the other way around. :)

Thank you for replying!

I do put quite a bit of effort into how I look, which just makes it worse... I just wish I could be pretty to myself at least.
 
X-1 Alpha said:
Hey there, sunflower
Complain as much as you want, it helps to get things off one's chest.

It really sucks to be stuck in a body you dislike. I'm sorry to hear that it's something you're dealing with. I know how it feels to be very conscious of what you perceive as a flaw, maybe thinking that everyone's staring while you aren't looking or talking about it behind your back. I know this perhaps isn't something that'd necessarily cheer you up, but I do hope that you realize that a fair share of people regarded as beautiful do suffer from the same doubts, after all, we ourselves are our harshest critics. And to add on top of that, society's obsession with looks makes those of us who ... ermm ... "underperform" in the area feel much worse than we should, really.
You're saying that you have a very unattractive body shape, but are you sure this isn't just you being too harsh on yourself? Quite honestly, your description doesn't really work for me. I've seen female body builders who managed to look absolutely stunning, feminine and cute, even though they had somewhat masculine facial features and bodies that could rival those of the incredible Hulk (wide, rather flat chests etc.). Probably not the first image that pops into your mind when you think about feminine charm. Sooo ... I'm not buying that you're just unattractive and that's that.
Perhaps you could consider a different hairstyle, long hair is one thing but maybe the style you chose just doesn't mesh well with your facial features? Maybe try out a different style of clothing? Play around with some makeup? It could just be the wrong choice of color?
And like Callie said, stop trying to put yourself down, be **** proud of what you've achieved because from the sound of it, you've plenty of reasons to do so. :)

Thank you! Complaining does make me feel slightly better but also guilty that people have to put up with me. I thought I would receive comments stating how instead of complaining I should be trying to do something to change who I am, I am grateful that I did not.

I will agree that female body builders can still look stunning. Regarding my face, I don't even have a super masculine face (although it is definitely not feminine) it is just so big, no matter how much weight I lose, it still makes me look heavier than I am.

I am proud of what I have achieved but that is not what people who meet me will see. I wish I could just forget about my looks and be confident... sorry my reply ended up being more complaining.
 
sunflower said:
Thank you for replying!

I do put quite a bit of effort into how I look, which just makes it worse... I just wish I could be pretty to myself at least.

No problem! :D

But yeah the first hurdle with these things is to convince yourself that you're not ugly. I know it's a lot more difficult than just doing it. As we are always our own worst enemy when it comes to picking out our own flaws.

So I hope you manage to start seeing yourself as pretty soon!
 
sunflower_ said:
TheRealCallie said:
When I was bigger, I thought losing weight would help me too, but it didn't.  Your issues, like mine, go deeper than that.  But let me ask you this, what do OTHER people think?  Do they feel the same way about your looks? What do the people that care about you think? A lot of times, it's more in your head than anything else.  That's how it is with me.  It sounds like you may have a touch of body dysmorphic disorder.  

I'm not really sure I can give you advice, other than to stop focusing so much on your looks and start focusing on your other accomplishments, which sound pretty **** abundant. You could also try playing up some of your features.  Play around with makeup and see if you can't do something to help how you feel about yourself with that.  Play around with your hair and see if that helps.  Try on clothes that you don't normally wear to see if that helps.  Focus on the parts of you that you do like, there has to be something.  Play those features up and you may not focus so much on what you don't like.

Thank you for reading and replying, it is my first time posting on this forum and I was quite nervous about not getting any replies. 

Before I used to not care as much and just accept that I was ugly but for a few months it is really all I can think about. How no matter how much I try this is all I am really going to be. 

I have been trying to make myself busy so I don't have time to think about it but that has just made me feel very stressed, worsening the problem.


As for asking other people who care about  me, I am afraid of bringing more attention to my appearance and I don't think they would actually tell me the truth because they do not want me to get hurt. Sometimes I make jokes about my broad shoulder or my awful face because I don't want people to know that I care so much about it that they could use it against me.

I feel like everything that is wrong with my appearance is just so obvious that it would be impossible to hide because proportion wise it is all wrong.

You didn't accept how you look, you just tolerated it. Gave up, in a way.  I used to be the same way.  You can't just accept that you are ugly, because that will just cause you more problems with your outlook.  You may have flaws, but everyone does.  Change what you can and accept, fully and without regret, what you can't.  It takes time and you may always have moments of doubt, but it can get better.
I still have issues with how I look, but I have a few friends who will be 100% honest with me.  I don't always like what they say, but I know I can't realistically judge how I look on my own sometimes.  I'd rather have the truth, even if it's brutal and that's exactly what I ask for, the brutal truth. 
With me, I have NEVER been told I was ugly, quite the opposite, but I have always had trouble seeing it for myself.  My face is too long, my nose is weird, etc etc.  But no one else sees those things.  You can usually tell what others think, even if you don't flat out ask them.  Pay attention to their reactions when you "joke" about yourself.  Pay attention to the reactions of men around you.  I don't think for one second that you are as ugly as you think you are, but then, I don't think anyone is ugly.  Would you be willing to share a picture of yourself?  (probably not and I will completely understand if you say no, but you can't know unless you ask, right?)
 
IncolaVacui said:
The laws of attraction are definitely way more psychological and mental than physical. I have...good reason to be paranoid about my online identity: I've been subjected to identity theft, AND robbed at gunpoint by someone I met online less than 5 years ago. BUT, also at the same time, I get it. I know where that tunnel goes...it's not pretty...it's a lot of things, but pretty isn't one of them. What you sound like you need, is honesty, support, and friendship. There's unfortunately not a lot of that which is genuine online these days anymore, especially with how things currently are. Shoot me a PM if you want to bounce some thoughts or ideas around, okay?? Keep safe.


bSE1uz37_400x400.jpg

Oh no, that sounds awful!

I was actually quite hesitant about posting this online but I have only received supportive messages and I am very grateful.

Thank you! You too, keep safe.
 
hewhowalksalone said:
sunflower_ said:
I worked really hard and got accepted into one of the world's top 30 universities to get a very respectable degree

How about you give yourself a pat on the back for this?  There are probably people who might consider to be 'better looking than you' who are too underachieved to get accepted to one of the world's top 30 universities.  I don't consider myself physically attractive (with me it's because I didn't go through puberty efficiently, and look like a scrawny kid) - yet it's my academic inadequacy that bothers me the most.  (Sure I miss out on romance, but I don't feel bad about myself because I don't look my age - that's what I mean :)).

Well done for getting into university.

May I ask, what are you studying - or, what are you going to study?

Thank you! I also don't know how or why I got so fixated on my appearance but I think it is because it makes me feel powerless... All I can think is 'wow people have to look at this face' or 'How can someone like me exist'...

Yeah, it is actually quite embarrassing to reveal that I am studying Medicine, how can I help people when it seems that I myself need help, right? I am certainly not the stereotypical, perfect, extroverted medical student; even if most people in my cohort are. It takes me a lot of practicing what to say in order to sound confident so that people can trust me. (Although I am still a mess most of the time) I truly enjoy what I am studying, even if I struggle sometimes. This is probably the reason why I still manage to get up every morning even when I am dreading having to go outside. On the other hand, it is probably one of the reasons why I avoid telling anyone about how I feel because if I ever need any mental health support I have to inform the university and this makes me apprehensive since it might put my place at risk.
 
Phantimos said:
Your self image is defined by your own mind. Even if you look like a model, you can still find reasons to hate yourself if you don't appreciate the good things about you. Take a good look at yourself and honestly weigh your pros and cons.

I don't know what you look like but i am 100% sure you don't look as bad as you think you do. That being said, if you say your face is too big, then get a bigger body to match. Don't go on a diet, have healthy eating habits instead. Eat like a human being and start lifting weights, focus on doing squats and abs with a little bit of back and shoulders to keep things in proportion. Training won't only improve your physique and thus your self image, it'll do wonders for your confidence too.

It's going to be hard at first but it gets easier with every day, you gotta do it everyday though.

Hi! Thank you for your reply!

When I said I was on a diet I actually meant it as controlling what I eat so I don't gain weight, so I am not trying to lose any more. That being said, I would have to eat more if I wanted to gain muscle. I starting doing a short (~20 minutes) workout everyday a few weeks ago, which is probably not enough to actually make a difference, but I do not focus on my shoulder or back since my shoulders are already very broad and I am afraid I'll look even more masculine. Then again, it's not like I can do anything else when my proportions are this bad.
 
TheRealCallie said:
sunflower_ said:
TheRealCallie said:
When I was bigger, I thought losing weight would help me too, but it didn't.  Your issues, like mine, go deeper than that.  But let me ask you this, what do OTHER people think?  Do they feel the same way about your looks? What do the people that care about you think? A lot of times, it's more in your head than anything else.  That's how it is with me.  It sounds like you may have a touch of body dysmorphic disorder.  

I'm not really sure I can give you advice, other than to stop focusing so much on your looks and start focusing on your other accomplishments, which sound pretty **** abundant. You could also try playing up some of your features.  Play around with makeup and see if you can't do something to help how you feel about yourself with that.  Play around with your hair and see if that helps.  Try on clothes that you don't normally wear to see if that helps.  Focus on the parts of you that you do like, there has to be something.  Play those features up and you may not focus so much on what you don't like.

Thank you for reading and replying, it is my first time posting on this forum and I was quite nervous about not getting any replies. 

Before I used to not care as much and just accept that I was ugly but for a few months it is really all I can think about. How no matter how much I try this is all I am really going to be. 

I have been trying to make myself busy so I don't have time to think about it but that has just made me feel very stressed, worsening the problem.


As for asking other people who care about  me, I am afraid of bringing more attention to my appearance and I don't think they would actually tell me the truth because they do not want me to get hurt. Sometimes I make jokes about my broad shoulder or my awful face because I don't want people to know that I care so much about it that they could use it against me.

I feel like everything that is wrong with my appearance is just so obvious that it would be impossible to hide because proportion wise it is all wrong.

You didn't accept how you look, you just tolerated it. Gave up, in a way.  I used to be the same way.  You can't just accept that you are ugly, because that will just cause you more problems with your outlook.  You may have flaws, but everyone does.  Change what you can and accept, fully and without regret, what you can't.  It takes time and you may always have moments of doubt, but it can get better.
I still have issues with how I look, but I have a few friends who will be 100% honest with me.  I don't always like what they say, but I know I can't realistically judge how I look on my own sometimes.  I'd rather have the truth, even if it's brutal and that's exactly what I ask for, the brutal truth. 
With me, I have NEVER been told I was ugly, quite the opposite, but I have always had trouble seeing it for myself.  My face is too long, my nose is weird, etc etc.  But no one else sees those things.  You can usually tell what others think, even if you don't flat out ask them.  Pay attention to their reactions when you "joke" about yourself.  Pay attention to the reactions of men around you.  I don't think for one second that you are as ugly as you think you are, but then, I don't think anyone is ugly.  Would you be willing to share a picture of yourself?  (probably not and I will completely understand if you say no, but you can't know unless you ask, right?)

I actually remembered a time when my friend told me I looked like I was 14 but also like I was 40 at the same time, a couple of years ago. I was honestly quite shocked when she told me that because that was also what I thought of myself but just hoped nobody else could see. I was 17 at the time and I have not spoken to her ever since we stopped going to the same school.

I'm sorry, I don't think I can share a picture, I only take pictures with friends and I have not taken a picture of just myself in a very long time. I tried on different clothes today to see if I could take a photo where I looked good enough but that did not work.

Thank you very much for your messages. I'll try to talk to one of my friends and ask them to be honest. I'll also try to change my style or hairstyle. Although I am terrified that it will make no difference so then there is really nothing I can do...
 
14, but also 40...I'm not sure I understand what that means. Maybe your clothing style or did she mean your face? No worries on the pic, I completely understand. If you change your mind, you can always PM it to me. I promise I will not lie about my opinion and maybe I could even help on a hairstyle or clothing style that would look good on you.

There are virtual makeovers online where you can upload a photo and try on different hairstyles and makeup. Maybe you can start there, see if you find anything you like before you go to a salon and make it more real.
 
TheRealCallie said:
14, but also 40...I'm not sure I understand what that means.  Maybe your clothing style or did she mean your face?  No worries on the pic, I completely understand.  If you change your mind, you can always PM it to me.  I promise I will not lie about my opinion and maybe I could even help on a hairstyle or clothing style that would look good on you.

There are virtual makeovers online where you can upload a photo and try on different hairstyles and makeup.  Maybe you can start there, see if you find anything you like before you go to a salon and make it more real.

It is a description that only makes sense once you see my face. Because it is so big and I have chubby cheeks I look really young when I smile but when I am not smilling, my bone structure and small, sunken eyes make me look very old. 

I don't think it was because of my clothing style since the way I used to dress was boring but normal. Nowadays I put a lot more effort into how I dress but it is very rare for me to find clothes that suit someone like me.
 
The most attractive feature of a female are the eyes, and I'm not talking about some Hollywood honeysuckle. A lost and empty sight is the least attractive feature you could have. And I'm sure you don't. The emotions you give with your eyes are everything, would you really be like this girls?

and I'm still laughing at it xD

Point is, I ain't saying that you are attractive, because you are not. But who cares. I thought to be attractive and then I learned that I was not. Hell, I'm even perhaps ugly to many but thinking about that isn't helping me. You should lose weight regardless of your looks, because gaining those 12kg back would be like having a heavy book filled backpack on your back, and it would make things even worse.
 

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