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Lacking direction.
#1
The past few months I've felt like I have lost direction and purpose.

Without boring anyone with a long version of a story (yes this is the short version even though it's a few paragraphs) -

The past few years I was with someone in a long distance relationship, she wanted to move over here to the UK. I wanted her to be sure that's what she wanted, and we decided to save up some money. As I figured that would give her enough time to make her mind up completely. But she was pretty set on it from the start.
Many visits over the years later, it came to my attention that she was really bad with saving up money. Instead she was making quite stupid choices with her money, such as buying cars and other such investments that she didn't need. (She got free rides to work, yet chose to buy a car and have over half of her wages poured into the thing when she was meant to be saving).

One of her bad decisions came from her moving in with another guy, without even telling me! (that was an awkward Skype call).
And it just so happened this guy was a total creep who was trying to break me and her up for months, which she even knew about and told me. Yet kept disrespecting me and our relationship with regards to him by hanging around with him. I told her it was a red line, she refused to move out as she was scared of him getting mad at her. Short version - we broke up a year ago.

A few months later, around August I was dumb enough to respond to one of her many, many emails.
She was adamant she never cheated on me. But as soon as we broke up she slept with him and got together with him in her words just to "hurt me" and it was a double sting as she had never done it before. (I wasn't rushing her into anything she wasn't comfortable with).

She told me how he was abusive, she was scared of him, how she didn't even like the guy and how she really wanted to leave him because all he ever was, was a convenience to stop her being lonely and so depressed from losing me.
So I gave her one final chance, to prove that she still wanted to make us work and prove herself. Anyway, give it five months and she self admits herself to a mental hospital for depression. She comes out and I have to find out from her own mum that she had moved back in with this 'convenience' guy. I'm 99% sure she was cheating during those few months, as you know. Driving to another town 40 minutes to pay off a car every now and again when it could be done online didn't raise any red flags at all.... not to mention her mum was suspicious the whole time too.

So now having been treated like a doormat, not even being worth being told that she had moved in with him, being purposefully hurt and manipulated, being used for thousands of pounds on visits and other things.
I just don't know what to do anymore.

I wasn't really sad when I found out she moved back in with him. As it happened before right?
If anything I was more upset for her mother, who was very upset because she liked me so much and was enraged at her daughter.
I just felt lost if anything. Felt like she had jumped right into another relationship, she wasted five years of mine and left me adrift. No real friends, no direction, no purpose. 

I just wake up every day and all I seem to do is just browse the internet for a while, rinse and repeat. Before I felt like, even if she was dragging her heels and messing me around. I had 'something', you know? Even if it was an abusive relationship.
But now to people I'm at most just another name on the internet, not important.


Sorry this has just turned into a ramble. I'll probably end up deleting this as I've no idea why I even started typing it out in the first place.
I don't even have anyone to really talk to about it so it's just nice to put it in words somewhere even if it gets overlooked.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far.
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#2
Don't delete it. This was a good thing to get off your chest. It must have been tough to go through, and I sympathize with you. I don't quite know what to say that isn't going to sound like I'm inciting resentment - there are people on this forum who are a lot more careful with their words - so I'm just going to leave you with my support.

Stay strong, buddy.
To quote a popular werewolf film - 'Everyone's cursed.  It's called life'
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#3
You seem like a nice guy. I’m sorry this happened to you.
Seems like you almost dodged a bullet with this girl som maybe it was for the best.
The thing I find most upsetting is when poeple isn’t honest.
Being dishonest is only going to hurt both. 
Live and die by the blade. ❤️ 
That’s the way to go.
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#4
Wait, how was it an abusive relationship? You said the other guy abused her, but I saw nothing you wrote that would be you being abused by her.
You basically gave HER an ultimatum about who she can be friends with, who she can live with. If you really trusted HER, it wouldn't matter who she lived with, so it wasn't the other guy, you didn't trust HER. You can say that you did trust her, it was him you didn't trust, but that's a crock a shit. If you honestly trusted HER, it wouldn't have been a problem.

As for the car, maybe she just wanted to drive herself. Maybe she didn't want to be reliant on someone else driving her. Maybe she wanted that independence. Maybe she wanted a way to go see you (I don't know where she lived in relation to you, so I don't know if that's possible). Sometimes people just want their own car, so I fail to see how that's an issue. Sounds like you just wanted something to complain about because she didn't do things exactly the way you would. Not everyone will, not everyone handles money the same way and as long as she doesn't blow all of her money on stupid things, there isn't a problem.

She wanted to move to you, she wanted to be with you, but you stopped her. If she has, she could very well be with you, not the other guy.

It almost sounds like you were trying to control her. Maybe you were, maybe you weren't, I don't know enough to come to a conclusion on that, but it's something to think about. There is fault on BOTH sides here, there always is. Learn from your mistakes and move on. That relationship is in the past and you can't go back and change anything, so there's no point in dwelling on it. Pick a direction and start walking, you'll find something new.
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#5
(02-13-2019, 07:01 PM)hewhowalksalone Wrote: Don't delete it.  This was a good thing to get off your chest.  It must have been tough to go through, and I sympathize with you.  I don't quite know what to say that isn't going to sound like I'm inciting resentment - there are people on this forum who are a lot more careful with their words - so I'm just going to leave you with my support.

Stay strong, buddy.

Thanks bud, I think I might though. Seems typing out the short version just made me out as some controlling freak apparently.

(02-13-2019, 08:36 PM)Jessicat Wrote: You seem like a nice guy. I’m sorry this happened to you.
Seems like you almost dodged a bullet with this girl som maybe it was for the best.
The thing I find most upsetting is when poeple isn’t honest.
Being dishonest is only going to hurt both. 
Live and die by the blade. ❤️ 
That’s the way to go.

Thank you. Yes that's what most people say. I'm just glad in a way that she did all that stuff while she was still out of the country as opposed to us getting married or anything. Thanks for your reply I appreciate it. Smile

(02-13-2019, 08:54 PM)TheRealCallie Wrote: Wait, how was it an abusive relationship?  You said the other guy abused her, but I saw nothing you wrote that would be you being abused by her.
You basically gave HER an ultimatum about who she can be friends with, who she can live with.  If you really trusted HER, it wouldn't matter who she lived with, so it wasn't the other guy, you didn't trust HER.  You can say that you did trust her, it was him you didn't trust, but that's a crock a shit.  If you honestly trusted HER, it wouldn't have been a problem.

As for the car, maybe she just wanted to drive herself.  Maybe she didn't want to be reliant on someone else driving her.  Maybe she wanted that independence.  Maybe she wanted a way to go see you (I don't know where she lived in relation to you, so I don't know if that's possible).  Sometimes people just want their own car, so I fail to see how that's an issue.  Sounds like you just wanted something to complain about because she didn't do things exactly the way you would.  Not everyone will, not everyone handles money the same way and as long as she doesn't blow all of her money on stupid things, there isn't a problem.

She wanted to move to you, she wanted to be with you, but you stopped her.  If she has, she could very well be with you, not the other guy.

It almost sounds like you were trying to control her.  Maybe you were, maybe you weren't, I don't know enough to come to a conclusion on that, but it's something to think about.  There is fault on BOTH sides here, there always is.  Learn from your mistakes and move on.  That relationship is in the past and you can't go back and change anything, so there's no point in dwelling on it.  Pick a direction and start walking, you'll find something new.

Err.... not really sure where to start with this one as it just screams a troll post, but whatever.
Yes you saw nothing in what I wrote about her abuse towards me in my post, as I said it was the short version and it was difficult enough to get just that off my chest, but thanks for being so judging. And I never gave her any ultimatums about anything, quite the opposite. I let her walk over me if anything. She said to ME that she knew what she did was messed up and would move back in with her uncle but he came home that night and was screaming at her.

RE the car - It's over an ocean and all she used her car for was driving to work and she hated driving funnily enough, she kept saying how she was going to sell it because she bought it on impulse and she felt like she was working just to pay off the thing.
Her financial management was crap yes. But I could deal with that, as I had the money saved up for the paperwork for her to come here. The saving was just for 'extras' if you will.

And I'm not sure what you're getting at with the trust thing. So you'd be perfectly happy with your partner moving in with another man / woman without even telling you, while knowing this person was actively trying to break you up and sleep with him / her?? If anything I was more than trustworthy by giving her a chance, then taking her back while it comes out at the end that she was a pathalogical liar and cheat. As it's amazing what comes to light from family members after that happens.
So even though she was disloyal as proven in the end and I gave her lots of chances, I should have been more trusting of her? Sorry but you have to be trolling. What's next? You'll tell someone who found their partner in bed with another person that they should have shown them more attention and it was their fault it happened?

With regards to her being abused by him. She always said she was scared of him hitting her, he screamed in her face, he beat her dog, was on drugs and in general wasn't a very nice chap.

Sorry but calling me controlling when you don't even know anything about what she did to me is just pouring salt in the wound.
So many times I wanted to make sure it's what she wanted, her tagging me along for years just because she wanted someone to talk with on Skype when she got home from work because she was bored, her ADMITTING she used me for free vacations, telling me that she would f'ing KILL HERSELF if I ever left her (her emails were full of that hence why I was forced to reply), self harming, the whole nine yards and you come to me and call me controlling?! Are you f'ing kidding me? What the hell did I do to you for you to be so damn horrible!?

Her own family has actually disowned her because of the stuff she did to me and how she treated her family. I would explain more but what's the point of doing so, as you just seemed to come on here to attack me and victim blame if anything.

Like I'm not feeling bad enough as it is, thanks a lot!!!
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#6
Yes, because OMG, someone didn't coddle you and make you into the victim 100%, they MUST be a troll.   Rolleyes

I'm not a yesman, I won't agree with you and say "oh poor you" just because that's what you think should happen.  I go by what I read.  You left apparently, A LOT out of your story.  You had no issues telling us how SHE was abused, but never indicated any reason you might be.  So sorry if you have a problem with me questioning that. 
And yeah, EVERY SINGLE RELATIONSHIP has shared blame if it ends.  Sorry, but that's just the way it is, no exceptions. It might be 90/10, but there is still blame on BOTH sides.
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#7
Getting over a breakup always sucks for me. Try not to place blame around as it's not helping much. About the "saving", from your story, seems like she's an "impulsive spender" and you're more "spend when need arise" type, so if you guys are together, I imagine there will be lots of fight over this. Also, after all of cheating, even if she's apologize and getting back with you, can you still place your full trust in her without holding back or being doubting? Thing's with trust, after you've been stabbed once by someone, you'll remember for life to be careful around that someone.
I hope this helps.
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#8
(02-14-2019, 01:14 AM)capriccio Wrote: Getting over a breakup always sucks for me. Try not to place blame around as it's not helping much. About the "saving", from your story, seems like she's an "impulsive spender" and you're more "spend when need arise" type, so if you guys are together, I imagine there will be lots of fight over this. Also, after all of cheating, even if she's apologize and getting back with you, can you still place your full trust in her without holding back or being doubting? Thing's with trust, after you've been stabbed once by someone, you'll remember for life to be careful around that someone.
I hope this helps.

Hi Capriccio thanks for the reply (and your PM),

Yeah she is terrible with money, prime example being I had to give her all my Christmas savings of a few hundered pounds while she was working a job that made over $1200 per month and she was living rent / food free at her Moms house. xD
But that didn't bother me so much, as the saving part was only meant to be a few months to give her time to truly decide if she wanted to move to another country. Smile 
Her Mum even had to tell me to stop giving her money as she had to learn to deal with such things as an adult. And funnily enough not long after that, she stopped hiding her cheating... hmm.

Well when I gave her another chance the other month, the only reason I did was because she promised me that she hadn't cheated, if she did admit to being with him when we were together then I wouldn't have.
But then again what's the worth of a promise from a liar I suppose. More the fool me. As I found out that was a lie amongst almost everything else. She was even tripping over herself when trying to convince me to get back with her, that should have been warning bells.

Thanks again for your reply and PM's bud, I appreciate them. Big Grin
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#9
(02-14-2019, 01:45 AM)Valkatox Wrote:
(02-14-2019, 01:14 AM)capriccio Wrote: Getting over a breakup always sucks for me. Try not to place blame around as it's not helping much. About the "saving", from your story, seems like she's an "impulsive spender" and you're more "spend when need arise" type, so if you guys are together, I imagine there will be lots of fight over this. Also, after all of cheating, even if she's apologize and getting back with you, can you still place your full trust in her without holding back or being doubting? Thing's with trust, after you've been stabbed once by someone, you'll remember for life to be careful around that someone.
I hope this helps.

Hi Capriccio thanks for the reply (and your PM),

Yeah she is terrible with money, prime example being I had to give her all my Christmas savings of a few hundered pounds while she was working a job that made over $1200 per month and she was living rent / food free at her Moms house. xD
But that didn't bother me so much, as the saving part was only meant to be a few months to give her time to truly decide if she wanted to move to another country. Smile 
Her Mum even had to tell me to stop giving her money as she had to learn to deal with such things as an adult. And funnily enough not long after that, she stopped hiding her cheating... hmm.

Well when I gave her another chance the other month, the only reason I did was because she promised me that she hadn't cheated, if she did admit to being with him when we were together then I wouldn't have.
But then again what's the worth of a promise from a liar I suppose. More the fool me. As I found out that was a lie amongst almost everything else. She was even tripping over herself when trying to convince me to get back with her, that should have been warning bells.

Thanks again for your reply and PM's bud, I appreciate them. Big Grin

That bad huh. I think you should be grateful you dodged this one. Sounds like trouble. And stopped hiding the cheating? That's declaration of war for me. I'm sure you'll find someone who appreciate you for who you are. 
I enjoy chatting with you too, man!  Big Grin
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#10
Are you feeling any better regarding this lady business? 🌈
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