Was I out of control last night?

"Was I out of control last night?  Talking too much?  I'm having these thoughts like I ruined the evening for others.

Fortunately, I don't trust what I think enough to believe me.   :shy:  But I'm insisting I ask and I made a deal with me to trust a second opinion.

Was I ******* up or am I full of honeysuckle to keep telling myself I was ******* up."

Me this morning after having a dinner out with my nephews and their/our/my I don't know at the moment friends.  Sent to a nephew to seek corroboration or affirmation that the very small part of me trying to reassure me that I am just paranoid is right. 

Meanwhile, most of my interpretive abilities keep tossing the plot of the movie, "Dinner for Schmucks" at me with the twist that it is unintentional by the others to dislike me, or be annoyed with me...I am just really dis-likable and annoying!  I am really a schmuck!

This....my life in a nutshell except for the one small part of me fighting back.  That is new the last few years.  That is a tiny seed of confidence and hope taking root.  It feels like it is...

...meanwhile the anxiety is churning deep inside and I am becoming physically ill to my stomach.  Is this ground so tainted that any hope will die....would it be better to retreat further from the world, because I am so hideous?

You are overthinking. Relax and don’t be afraid of rejection that much. 

And no don't retreat because you think you are hideous. It’s just your thoughts.
Even if you’d be the most hideous mofo out there still there’s no reason to retreat. You wouldn’t achieve anything by doing so.

People can be judgmental or annoyed by you let them be just don't allow it to affect you.