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Hello Everyone
#1
Hi, My name is Phil and I am in the UK. I found this site by accident.
I am 54 and so alone. I can sum up how I feel in a few words. Lonely, lost, miserable, empty, cold, isolated. I could go on but I guess you get the drift.
I've never had any friends or had a real meaningful relationship with a woman. I have absolutely ZERO confidence in ANYTHING! It is COMPLETELY SHOT TO PIECES!!
When I was a child I was always beaten up by a couple of other boys who did not like each other. If I played out with one, the other would start a fight with me and vice versa. It got so bad that I just stayed in the house. Then they both picked on me because I didn't play out anymore. Then when I started my teens I had acne bad and when I say bad, I mean REALLY bad and I got bullied at school for that and girls used to cringe at me. I also got bullied by a couple of my teachers (that's the truth) in front of classmates. What example is that to show children eh? I've never really had any sympathy shown to me by anyone throughout my life apart from my parents who are now both deceased and my sister.
I even got abuse on a closed Facebook page that I used to be on, just because I did not upload an avatar onto my account. I thought "What is the point?" And just left that group. I don't need some arsewipes that no bugger all about me abusing me for something that is so trivial and has nothing to do with them.
I was a full time carer to my mother for 10 years until she sadly passed away last year. She was the only friend I had apart from my sister.
I've no job, no friends, no woman in my life. Is it worth carrying on living?
Constantly being alone is WORSE than a prison sentence and before anyone asks, NO, I haven't been banged up before.
I consider myself to be a decent person, have good principles etc but I am sinking lower and lower. I have considered suicide on and off, more so in the last 6 months.
Although it feels embarrassing to be here and talking about this (I've never told anyone before about how I feel) it seems that most here are in the same boat.
I hope people on here are not quick to criticize or slag me off. That would make me feel really rotten. I'm not controversial or anything like that. I think I've said enough for now.
Thank you for taking the time to read my first post.
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#2
Hi Welcome

No friends is what I have to, Only animal friends. I never had a boyfriend and was severely bullied as a kid.
So sorry ur mom passed! That is so horrible.
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#3
Hi Phil.
I can't believe how much your life sounds like mine..I was caring for my  Mother at home  as well ,in fact for over a year..In 2018 i sent her to the hospital for  an infection she acquired and  some bed sores..The hospital sent her to a Nursing Home that's run by the State(of Texas in this case)  and they in turn accused of  me  of neglect..They claimed it was neglect that caused her Urinary tract infection and Bedsores ,which is a blatant lie..My Parents were my best friends and I also was partial to my Mother ..She was my best friend for most of my life..My parents and i hung  around a lot together like best friends..I'm bipolar  and have no friends ONLY acquaintances..waitresses..waiters..store clerks,etc..I had one best friend in my life.We hung out for over 10 years..Then he got entangled with a girlfriend,fell for her,their romance began and --- Suddenly he wasn'f coming around anymore  at all cause his girlfriend didn't want him to have male friends...anyway i was visiting my mom in the nursing home   about every other day until last week..to make a long story short i was handed a NO trespassing  order by the  Nursing Home Administrator..For nothing but fabricated lies.The police came into my mom's room while i was visiting with her and handed me the order and told me that the management didn't want me back on their property.. I looked at my mom and i told her what they said and as it happened,she had her hearing device in and heard the whole thing..that was friday before last..over a week ago..My Mom was all i have left since my dad went to heaven in 2015..Like you i was bullied and so on when i was in JUnior High and Elementraty School  ..and  because i'm a nice guy with no macho running through my veins ,i still frequently run into that male type that wants to make me feel inferior to him in some way..now days though it happens via  a male's sarcasm  about my not being employed..I collect total disability for bipolar..since 1981..I cried many times in the past week ,as i'm not able to see my mom now unless the Nursing Home Administer decides to  change her mind and rescind the No Trespassing order..In the USA,a person can serve a NO Trespassing order to anyone they choose and  don't have to have a reason ..The Administrator told the cop that i was making the staff feel uncomfortable by roaming the halls..I was looking for a place o sit down  and read or play a game on my tablet while my mom napped for an hour..The cop told me too ,that another reason he was given is that i was recording.i asked hime ,"recording how? with what? A camera? " He said "i don't know "..and i asked him other questions  about why i was accused of Trespassing ,he just said the same thing each time.."i don't know"..Then he told me how that a no trespassing order can be served to anyone at anytime with absolutely no reason..However..After  the two cops escorted me outside the building ,the one i'd been talking to inside,told me that patients are money to a nursing home  and my mom is money and when he was  younger and in  high school ,the staff  had a fit if he didn't show up , because his presence meant money.. to the SChool..Well,here i am now,living with out my mom and i need her in my life badly..she was my emotional support ,my financial support and my mental support..My best friend..we'd watch tv together,go to the local diner together,we'd order Pizza and feast on it while watching her favorite tv shows.. Our car was reposessed in 2016 ,so i'd push her in her wheel chair to the grocery store or  out to the restaurant and we'd eat or have coffee..Im  a night person,up all night,sleep days,so she took my hours..it was cool being up all night with my mom every night. I'm currently trying to find a pro bono attorney to take on that Nursing Home so i can see my mom again..Haven't found one yet..I haven't had a good or best friend  in over 20 friends..None..not one..or a girlfriend..not by choice of course.i stay lonely and depressed  nearly all the time.I try to forget monentarily by playing video games ,watching tv  or my favorite,watching music videos of 80's and 90's..(that's my obsession..i have over 3000 music videos from those two decades    I know where you're coming from regarding depression and loneliness..my dog is almost 11 years old and he's another part of my life i could never live without..I fear his passing over time now and being 11,that might  not be long from now..My sister is the only person left in my family.. we're not as close as we were  when we were much younger..She's not a major part of my life  anymore and hasn't been for years now.I'm closer to my Dog than to her. But even she ihas limited time.She has cervical cancer ..i'm losing my family.my sister and my mom..my mom is 94 and mi sister is 70 years old..I'm 64 but i'm so healthy that it's unreal..I get out and walk everywhere and have no aches or pains in my body at all..in fact i don't feel the progression of age at all.physically and mentally i feel exactly   as i did when i was in my mid thirties!! I'm outliving my family .It's depressing..i'm already totally alone.My sister lives out of state  and calls only once every 2 months ... Like you ,i had a relationship and it started out so fine..She looked a lot like the actress Jaime Lee Sommers and built exactly like her..About a year into our relationship ,she founfd out she had  hepatitus 3 and she died  within a year from that time. Since  hen,i haven't been able to attract anyone except women my age..As i got older  i didn't acquire  the natural  desire  'nor the acceptance  for women with gray hair,facial age lines  and false teeth ..I always feel like my granny is hitting on me..I hope things get better for you Phil..I just want you know ,that ii really do know where you're coming from..I'm so lonely that i don't dare think for long on my dog passing on ..or my mom..cause when when i do think about i cry horribally..cause whether my dog goes to heaven first  OR my Mother.i i know i'll have a breakdown either way.They are my entire life..That's a bit disturbing ina way as i'm an ordained Minister..Being bipolar and unemployed so many years,i  had so much time i was able to study ..at home..and in private which enabled me to study in length..I'm not legalistic though..Ie,i don't believe it's the music one watches or movies one listens to that causes  a man to lose his salvation..I really believe it's the last thing god's pinning on us as being damning cause there's so much other out there so much more important and failing in  mankind and society  ,than his mere  viewing  of a Bruce Willis movie or listening to Ozzy..BUt  being a Minister might be the only thing saving me ffrom doing something harsh ..to my self not to others i mean.I'm afraid of suicide being equivalent to going to the bad place afterward..So maybe that fear is a good thing..Phil if you evr feel like talking privately to a gy who understands,please feel absolutely free and ok to talk to me..i'm hom almost all the time and i check my profile here and messages i get  frequently..and even new comments..  Out of curiousity,how long did you atke care of your mom and during what years or months..I can tell by your message that you two are close..What kind of a lifestyle did you  have together? did you go places togther a lot before you started caring for her? and what about after you began caring for her? Let me know all bout her ..I bet she was a sensitive person ..i mean in  the way of being compassionate toward others..right?  I found that Moms that are close to their Son's have a very sensitive ,caring compassionate side  that is special ..Did your mom have a lot of friends when she was active and getting around  really well? please leave a  reply...Phil i'll get back here on this site tonight ..later..it just occured to me that it's probably night time in the UK right now..It's 10:58am here in Texas..USA..since i'ma day sleeper i'm gonna hit the sack and i'll be up later tonight after dark and i'll  be checking  back here..So if you leave a reply i'll see it immediately..I hope you have a really happy day today Phil..BUt most importantly..Have Fun!!
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#4
I can also relate to your story, almost identical in many ways.  Life was a little better for me when I was in my teenage years up until my early 20’s but I’ve always struggled with severe low self esteem from similar issues you describe.   Also I know how it feels to want to give up, when your alone, forgotten about, and discarded. It gets hard to find hope in a world that seems very calloused and cruel.

Feel free to pm me if you want.
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#5
why is he banned???
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#6
I take it you have to be careful on here? I had no idea he got banned, don't know why. This is one of the problems with reaching out for support on the internet, you have no idea who they are which can be good thing but at the same time opens you up to being taken advantage of and the lonely are especially susceptible to this.
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#7
Weird.I was talking 2 him and he was really nice.
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#8
i'm also surprised he was banned..   anybody find out why?
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#9
Who is it that was banned?
Nothing exists entirely alone.  Everything is always in relation to everything else.

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#10
I noticed another new member seemed inexplicably banned too and brought it up with Sci-Fi and he said it was a mysterious glitch, and the user I had reported about was brought back.

I'm guessing something similar happened here?
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