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Married but lonely.
#11
(03-09-2019, 02:13 AM)sriguhan Wrote:
(03-09-2019, 12:23 AM)So1itaire Wrote: Thank you all for your replies.  Of course, it had occurred to me that he simply doesn’t love me anymore – and that may well be the case.  But he behaves in exactly the same way with our grown-up daughter as he does with me.  I suppose in a way I shouldn’t be too surprised he behaves the way he does, as all his family were the same as him – very self-centred.  He wasn’t like that in the early days though, so I guess I kidded myself that he wasn’t like the rest of his family.  I have often thought of leaving him, but unfortunately I’m dependent on him financially, as I have health problems which would make it very difficult for me to work enough hours to support myself.  I have tried talking to him in the past, and telling him how I felt.  But he simply got all defensive and told me I was imagining things.  He will never admit he is wrong about anything, ever!  After I’d tried talking to him about my feelings in the past - despite him not admitting that I had a point - he did make a bit of an effort to be more attentive.  But it just felt like he was spending more time with me out of duty, not because he actually wanted to.  His attentiveness never lasted more than a couple of weeks anyway, he soon went back to his old ways.  Things would be more bearable if I could just get out and have a life of my own, but my health problems make it difficult to do that.  I don’t have any friends – all the friends I thought I had gradually disappeared after I became ill.  Most of my family are gone, I just have one elderly aunt left, who I don’t get to see very often.  I would love to join some local groups and hopefully make some new friends that way, but there aren’t any suitable ones near where I live, there are only exercise clubs and unfortunately I’m not physically capable of doing anything that energetic!  I’ve joined Meetup in the hope of finding a group I could join on there, but again there aren’t any near to where I live.  I don’t drive, and I find public transport a bit of a struggle.  So, here I am, on the internet, talking to you good people! 😊

As for TheRealCallie’s suggestion of a she-shed – that’s a nice idea!  Unfortunately his man cave takes up all the available space… Sad

I'm guessing most of us are here to find company!  It isn't called " A Lonely Life " for nothing !  Toungue

I joined here only a last month and I feel better already,  having made new friends!
I’m glad to hear you’re making new friends here – it seems like a great site! 😊

(03-09-2019, 03:37 AM)Enpatsu No Shakugan Wrote:
(03-09-2019, 12:23 AM)So1itaire Wrote: Thank you all for your replies.  Of course, it had occurred to me that he simply doesn’t love me anymore – and that may well be the case.  But he behaves in exactly the same way with our grown-up daughter as he does with me.  I suppose in a way I shouldn’t be too surprised he behaves the way he does, as all his family were the same as him – very self-centred.  He wasn’t like that in the early days though, so I guess I kidded myself that he wasn’t like the rest of his family.  I have often thought of leaving him, but unfortunately I’m dependent on him financially, as I have health problems which would make it very difficult for me to work enough hours to support myself.  I have tried talking to him in the past, and telling him how I felt.  But he simply got all defensive and told me I was imagining things.  He will never admit he is wrong about anything, ever!  After I’d tried talking to him about my feelings in the past - despite him not admitting that I had a point - he did make a bit of an effort to be more attentive.  But it just felt like he was spending more time with me out of duty, not because he actually wanted to.  His attentiveness never lasted more than a couple of weeks anyway, he soon went back to his old ways.  Things would be more bearable if I could just get out and have a life of my own, but my health problems make it difficult to do that.  I don’t have any friends – all the friends I thought I had gradually disappeared after I became ill.  Most of my family are gone, I just have one elderly aunt left, who I don’t get to see very often.  I would love to join some local groups and hopefully make some new friends that way, but there aren’t any suitable ones near where I live, there are only exercise clubs and unfortunately I’m not physically capable of doing anything that energetic!  I’ve joined Meetup in the hope of finding a group I could join on there, but again there aren’t any near to where I live.  I don’t drive, and I find public transport a bit of a struggle.  So, here I am, on the internet, talking to you good people! 😊

As for TheRealCallie’s suggestion of a she-shed – that’s a nice idea!  Unfortunately his man cave takes up all the available space… Sad

This is more concerning for me. That you're so dependent on him as well, because I worry now with already how he treats you, what if he decides to just up and drop you himself?
I mean, honestly, it's possible if he takes offense to you trying to make new friends, trying to make your own place, get in his way, etc...

There's got to be some other option to simply get away from him, because that's what you really need.

Why not just go out on your own and try to meet someone new? Then move in with them if you like them? It won't be instantaneous, but I'm sure it's possible, and it's way better than doing nothing and hoping things continue precariously as-is. Then leave his ass.

I don’t think there’s much chance of him suddenly deciding to leave – he’s quite happy with the way things are, so why would he?  As for me meeting someone new, I’ve been in a relationship for so long that I really feel like I wouldn’t want to get into another one.  It would be nice to just be me for a change, not someone else’s other half!  As for me getting away from him - my daughter still lives at home but is planning on getting her own place in a year or so, so I could always move in with her.

(03-09-2019, 04:17 AM)TheRealCallie Wrote: I read in your bio about one of your health problems (not sure if that's the only one). My mom has that, in addition to other things.  It took her a while, but while she's never going to go running a marathon or anything close, she has managed to get to the point where she can work and do things for herself.  I know everyone is different and the disease itself has more than one level and you don't live in the same country, but have you tried everything? Second opinion, different meds, natural remedies and all that.  You may have, just throwing that out there.  I mean no offense. I don't know how much you are able to do, but maybe you could volunteer somewhere. That would get you out of the house and meeting new people. 

As for your husband, is he abusive in any way, verbally or physically?  If he is, there has to be some program out there who will help you. If he's not, I would recommend to just continue trying to get something for yourself in life.  Are there any support groups there for your illness? Even online support groups may be able to help you.

No, he’s not at all abusive – there’s no way I would have put up with that!  I have tried pretty much everything for the fibromyalgia – I’ve changed doctors many times, tried all the prescription medications they gave me but nothing helped, and they all came with horrible side effects.  I’ve also tried acupuncture and lots of herbal remedies, but without success.  I’ve recently seen some promising stuff online about Sam-e though, so I’ve just ordered some of that to try – fingers crossed!  I have looked into volunteering, but there isn’t anything I could do locally.  I think this site will be a great help to me though, as everyone seems very friendly and helpful! 😊

(03-09-2019, 05:43 AM)Joturbo Wrote: How about your local church.My mother ,my wife ,her friend have all found spin off activities from their chosen churches and you don't have to be super religious.

Thanks for the suggestion, but I’m not at all religious!  Besides, I don’t think I could cope with all that sitting on hard pews and kneeling – ouch! 😊
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#12
(03-09-2019, 04:12 PM)So1itaire Wrote:
(03-09-2019, 02:13 AM)sriguhan Wrote:
(03-09-2019, 12:23 AM)So1itaire Wrote: Thank you all for your replies.  Of course, it had occurred to me that he simply doesn’t love me anymore – and that may well be the case.  But he behaves in exactly the same way with our grown-up daughter as he does with me.  I suppose in a way I shouldn’t be too surprised he behaves the way he does, as all his family were the same as him – very self-centred.  He wasn’t like that in the early days though, so I guess I kidded myself that he wasn’t like the rest of his family.  I have often thought of leaving him, but unfortunately I’m dependent on him financially, as I have health problems which would make it very difficult for me to work enough hours to support myself.  I have tried talking to him in the past, and telling him how I felt.  But he simply got all defensive and told me I was imagining things.  He will never admit he is wrong about anything, ever!  After I’d tried talking to him about my feelings in the past - despite him not admitting that I had a point - he did make a bit of an effort to be more attentive.  But it just felt like he was spending more time with me out of duty, not because he actually wanted to.  His attentiveness never lasted more than a couple of weeks anyway, he soon went back to his old ways.  Things would be more bearable if I could just get out and have a life of my own, but my health problems make it difficult to do that.  I don’t have any friends – all the friends I thought I had gradually disappeared after I became ill.  Most of my family are gone, I just have one elderly aunt left, who I don’t get to see very often.  I would love to join some local groups and hopefully make some new friends that way, but there aren’t any suitable ones near where I live, there are only exercise clubs and unfortunately I’m not physically capable of doing anything that energetic!  I’ve joined Meetup in the hope of finding a group I could join on there, but again there aren’t any near to where I live.  I don’t drive, and I find public transport a bit of a struggle.  So, here I am, on the internet, talking to you good people! 😊

As for TheRealCallie’s suggestion of a she-shed – that’s a nice idea!  Unfortunately his man cave takes up all the available space… Sad

I'm guessing most of us are here to find company!  It isn't called " A Lonely Life " for nothing !  Toungue

I joined here only a last month and I feel better already,  having made new friends!
I’m glad to hear you’re making new friends here – it seems like a great site! 😊

(03-09-2019, 03:37 AM)Enpatsu No Shakugan Wrote:
(03-09-2019, 12:23 AM)So1itaire Wrote: Thank you all for your replies.  Of course, it had occurred to me that he simply doesn’t love me anymore – and that may well be the case.  But he behaves in exactly the same way with our grown-up daughter as he does with me.  I suppose in a way I shouldn’t be too surprised he behaves the way he does, as all his family were the same as him – very self-centred.  He wasn’t like that in the early days though, so I guess I kidded myself that he wasn’t like the rest of his family.  I have often thought of leaving him, but unfortunately I’m dependent on him financially, as I have health problems which would make it very difficult for me to work enough hours to support myself.  I have tried talking to him in the past, and telling him how I felt.  But he simply got all defensive and told me I was imagining things.  He will never admit he is wrong about anything, ever!  After I’d tried talking to him about my feelings in the past - despite him not admitting that I had a point - he did make a bit of an effort to be more attentive.  But it just felt like he was spending more time with me out of duty, not because he actually wanted to.  His attentiveness never lasted more than a couple of weeks anyway, he soon went back to his old ways.  Things would be more bearable if I could just get out and have a life of my own, but my health problems make it difficult to do that.  I don’t have any friends – all the friends I thought I had gradually disappeared after I became ill.  Most of my family are gone, I just have one elderly aunt left, who I don’t get to see very often.  I would love to join some local groups and hopefully make some new friends that way, but there aren’t any suitable ones near where I live, there are only exercise clubs and unfortunately I’m not physically capable of doing anything that energetic!  I’ve joined Meetup in the hope of finding a group I could join on there, but again there aren’t any near to where I live.  I don’t drive, and I find public transport a bit of a struggle.  So, here I am, on the internet, talking to you good people! 😊

As for TheRealCallie’s suggestion of a she-shed – that’s a nice idea!  Unfortunately his man cave takes up all the available space… Sad

This is more concerning for me. That you're so dependent on him as well, because I worry now with already how he treats you, what if he decides to just up and drop you himself?
I mean, honestly, it's possible if he takes offense to you trying to make new friends, trying to make your own place, get in his way, etc...

There's got to be some other option to simply get away from him, because that's what you really need.

Why not just go out on your own and try to meet someone new? Then move in with them if you like them? It won't be instantaneous, but I'm sure it's possible, and it's way better than doing nothing and hoping things continue precariously as-is. Then leave his ass.

I don’t think there’s much chance of him suddenly deciding to leave – he’s quite happy with the way things are, so why would he?  As for me meeting someone new, I’ve been in a relationship for so long that I really feel like I wouldn’t want to get into another one.  It would be nice to just be me for a change, not someone else’s other half!  As for me getting away from him - my daughter still lives at home but is planning on getting her own place in a year or so, so I could always move in with her.

(03-09-2019, 04:17 AM)TheRealCallie Wrote: I read in your bio about one of your health problems (not sure if that's the only one). My mom has that, in addition to other things.  It took her a while, but while she's never going to go running a marathon or anything close, she has managed to get to the point where she can work and do things for herself.  I know everyone is different and the disease itself has more than one level and you don't live in the same country, but have you tried everything? Second opinion, different meds, natural remedies and all that.  You may have, just throwing that out there.  I mean no offense. I don't know how much you are able to do, but maybe you could volunteer somewhere. That would get you out of the house and meeting new people. 

As for your husband, is he abusive in any way, verbally or physically?  If he is, there has to be some program out there who will help you. If he's not, I would recommend to just continue trying to get something for yourself in life.  Are there any support groups there for your illness? Even online support groups may be able to help you.

No, he’s not at all abusive – there’s no way I would have put up with that!  I have tried pretty much everything for the fibromyalgia – I’ve changed doctors many times, tried all the prescription medications they gave me but nothing helped, and they all came with horrible side effects.  I’ve also tried acupuncture and lots of herbal remedies, but without success.  I’ve recently seen some promising stuff online about Sam-e though, so I’ve just ordered some of that to try – fingers crossed!  I have looked into volunteering, but there isn’t anything I could do locally.  I think this site will be a great help to me though, as everyone seems very friendly and helpful! 😊

(03-09-2019, 05:43 AM)Joturbo Wrote: How about your local church.My mother ,my wife ,her friend have all found spin off activities from their chosen churches and you don't have to be super religious.

Thanks for the suggestion, but I’m not at all religious!  Besides, I don’t think I could cope with all that sitting on hard pews and kneeling – ouch! 😊

Yeah neither am I. I just go to Hillsong with the wife because I love the atmosphere it's so friendly.Its a bit like a Christian rock concert based in a Theatre with comfy seats with electric guitars and catchy tunes.There's always a good sermon from the pastor which really makes you think aswell .They encourage you to join all sorts of connect groups which my wife has just started and is making good friends with a local group where people from all walks of life meet up in a house and just talk about all aspects of life...but they seem to talk alot about their problems it's a very open group.I just go for the great rush you get from the meeting/concert on a Sunday but I haven't joined anything and is ok because no one pressures you.Both my son's have gone and my youngest always sais yes when we ask him .There's a big kids club and the crowd is pretty much majorly from 0 to 60 with a small smattering of pensioners.

I'm not pushing religion because I don't believe in God but understand alot of the pros and cons of long term marriage and I think mine has lasted because we both do alot of independent stuff aswell as stuff together.

I just think it might shake your other half up a bit if he sees you doing stuff with other people...just a thought anyway.
  Our greatest Glory is not in never falling , but
       in rising every time we fall
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#13
I think the notion about your daughter and moving in with her will probably be best.

What's her opinion on the goings-on if she's also home to witness it? Surely she won't defend him or anything like that.
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#14
(03-09-2019, 05:12 PM)Joturbo Wrote: I think mine has lasted because we both do alot of independent stuff aswell as stuff together.

I just think it might shake your other half up a bit if he sees you doing stuff with other people...just a thought anyway.

I'm going to skip the rest of it for now and just comment on this. 

I 100% agree with both of these statements.  You HAVE to have your own "separate" life if you want to have a life together.  You have to be able to get away and do your own thing, even if it's just for an hour or whatever.  You need time to vent or just let go of being "the wife" or "the husband."  I'm not condoning cheating or anything like that when I say let go, of course.  Cheating is wrong, don't do it, it's an asshole move.  Toungue

And the second statement.  Also true.  Your husband has probably gotten complacent over the years.  "You're always there, You're always going to be there, I'm all she has" etc etc.  I'm not saying he resents you or is bored with you or anything like that, but he's gotten used to the way things are.  He needs a bit of a shake up, so let's work together to figure out we can get you your own life.  Smile
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#15
(03-09-2019, 05:12 PM)Joturbo Wrote: Yeah neither am I. I just go to Hillsong with the wife because I love the atmosphere it's so friendly.Its a bit like a Christian rock concert based in a Theatre with comfy seats with electric guitars and catchy tunes.There's always a good sermon from the pastor which really makes you think aswell .They encourage you to join all sorts of connect groups which my wife has just started and is making good friends with a local group where people from all walks of life meet up in a house and just talk about all aspects of life...but they seem to talk alot about their problems it's a very open group.I just go for the great rush you get from the meeting/concert on a Sunday but I haven't joined anything and is ok because no one pressures you.Both my son's have gone and my youngest always sais yes when we ask him .There's a big kids club and the crowd is pretty much majorly from 0 to 60 with a small smattering of pensioners.

I'm not pushing religion because I don't believe in God but understand alot of the pros and cons of long term marriage and I think mine has lasted because we both do alot of independent stuff aswell as stuff together.

I just think it might shake your other half up a bit if he sees you doing stuff with other people...just a thought anyway.

The church you mention sounds nice.  The only church near where I live isn’t anything like that – my mom used to go there, and she stopped going because they were so stuffy and unfriendly!  You’re probably right in saying it would shake my other half up a bit if I started going out and doing stuff on my own – I’ll keep looking, I’m bound to find something to get me out of the house eventually!

(03-09-2019, 07:44 PM)Enpatsu No Shakugan Wrote: I think the notion about your daughter and moving in with her will probably be best.

What's her opinion on the goings-on if she's also home to witness it? Surely she won't defend him or anything like that.

My daughter feels the same way as me, that’s why she’s planning on moving out as soon as she can.

(03-09-2019, 10:35 PM)TheRealCallie Wrote:
(03-09-2019, 05:12 PM)Joturbo Wrote: I think mine has lasted because we both do alot of independent stuff aswell as stuff together.

I just think it might shake your other half up a bit if he sees you doing stuff with other people...just a thought anyway.

I'm going to skip the rest of it for now and just comment on this. 

I 100% agree with both of these statements.  You HAVE to have your own "separate" life if you want to have a life together.  You have to be able to get away and do your own thing, even if it's just for an hour or whatever.  You need time to vent or just let go of being "the wife" or "the husband."  I'm not condoning cheating or anything like that when I say let go, of course.  Cheating is wrong, don't do it, it's an asshole move.  Toungue

And the second statement.  Also true.  Your husband has probably gotten complacent over the years.  "You're always there, You're always going to be there, I'm all she has" etc etc.  I'm not saying he resents you or is bored with you or anything like that, but he's gotten used to the way things are.  He needs a bit of a shake up, so let's work together to figure out we can get you your own life.  Smile

You’re right, he does need a shake-up.  I came to the conclusion a long time ago that I need to get out of the house more and get a life of my own, to make things more bearable.  It’s just taking me some time to find that ‘life’, but I will get there eventually.  I’ve actually just found out about a local writing group that I could join, so I think that will be a good place for me to start.  And this site is helping a lot! 😊
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#16
(03-08-2019, 06:14 PM)So1itaire Wrote: What have you done to work on your marriage? We put years into learning a new language, countless hours training for an event, but put no effort into the biggest earthly relationship we are in. What do you think if you turned towards each other, went to counseling to learn how to communicate, and found out what each of you truly need then came out of it with an amazing marriage? It is possible.
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#17
(03-12-2019, 01:42 AM)giaeve707 Wrote:
(03-08-2019, 06:14 PM)So1itaire Wrote: What have you done to work on your marriage? We put years into learning a new language, countless hours training for an event, but put no effort into the biggest earthly relationship we are in. What do you think if you turned towards each other, went to counseling to learn how to communicate, and found out what each of you truly need then came out of it with an amazing marriage? It is possible.

I’ve been putting all my efforts into trying to make the marriage work for years.  But it takes two to make a marriage work, and unfortunately I’m the only one trying.  He won’t consider counselling, as he won’t admit there is a problem – he’s fine with the way things are.
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#18
(03-08-2019, 06:14 PM)So1itaire Wrote: Is there anyone else on here who is married (or in a serious relationship) but still feels lonely?  I’ve been married for many years, and at first my husband and I were close and I could talk to him about anything.  But in recent years I have felt very lonely, as my husband is very wrapped up in himself, his job, his hobbies and his own friends.  He isn’t interested in me or anything I have to say.  We have very little conversation – when he gets home from work, he doesn’t want to talk about his day.  We eat our evening meal together, but he doesn’t talk to me at all, he just sits there looking at the news/sports news on his phone.  Then he goes into his ‘man cave’ for an hour or so, leaving me to watch TV alone.  He then joins me for a short time and we watch TV together, but there is very little conversation, just about what we’re watching.  Then he encourages me to go to bed early, as he likes to disappear back into his ‘man cave’, or watch sport on TV.  If I try to talk to him about anything, he doesn’t even listen.  He isn’t supportive when I am going through a hard time, like when my mom died – he just left me to deal with it all on my own.  I know there are many people out there who are lonely because they are alone, and they might say ‘at least you have someone’.  But I don’t feel as if I do.  I often feel like I would feel less lonely if I was on my oIwn – at least then I wouldn’t experience the constant rejection of living with someone who barely seems to notice I’m there, apart from as his unpaid housekeeper/PA.   So, I was just wondering – is there anyone else on here who feels the same way I do?

I can relate. Its hard. At times I want to just walk out the door. Still might. I remind myself why I should not then I think about what if I did. Where would I go. Is that really my only option. It plays like a broken record. You think when you get married you will have someone to share your life with forever but as time goes on things change. People change and one day you find your spouse just is not that into you anymore. They dont want to lose you but they dont want to spend the time with you they once did early on in the marriage. The result is loneliness. It would help to make friends and have others to talk with.
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#19
(03-19-2019, 10:13 AM)cali-rain Wrote:
(03-08-2019, 06:14 PM)So1itaire Wrote: Is there anyone else on here who is married (or in a serious relationship) but still feels lonely?  I’ve been married for many years, and at first my husband and I were close and I could talk to him about anything.  But in recent years I have felt very lonely, as my husband is very wrapped up in himself, his job, his hobbies and his own friends.  He isn’t interested in me or anything I have to say.  We have very little conversation – when he gets home from work, he doesn’t want to talk about his day.  We eat our evening meal together, but he doesn’t talk to me at all, he just sits there looking at the news/sports news on his phone.  Then he goes into his ‘man cave’ for an hour or so, leaving me to watch TV alone.  He then joins me for a short time and we watch TV together, but there is very little conversation, just about what we’re watching.  Then he encourages me to go to bed early, as he likes to disappear back into his ‘man cave’, or watch sport on TV.  If I try to talk to him about anything, he doesn’t even listen.  He isn’t supportive when I am going through a hard time, like when my mom died – he just left me to deal with it all on my own.  I know there are many people out there who are lonely because they are alone, and they might say ‘at least you have someone’.  But I don’t feel as if I do.  I often feel like I would feel less lonely if I was on my oIwn – at least then I wouldn’t experience the constant rejection of living with someone who barely seems to notice I’m there, apart from as his unpaid housekeeper/PA.   So, I was just wondering – is there anyone else on here who feels the same way I do?

I can relate. Its hard. At times I want to just walk out the door. Still might. I remind myself why I should not then I think about what if I did. Where would I go. Is that really my only option. It plays like a broken record. You think when you get married you will have someone to share your life with forever but as time goes on things change. People change and one day you find your spouse just is not that into you anymore. They dont want to lose you but they dont want to spend the time with you they once did early on in the marriage. The result is loneliness. It would help to make friends and have others to talk with.

Forever? What about divorce?
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