[size=medium]Hello Again, Nearly five months ago I was on the verge of taking my own life. For a week or so before that day, I had thought about all the reasons why I should choose to live and those why I felt it would be best for me to go. The reasons for not living another day were far more than why I should continue on with not only the painful loneliness, but also because of some serious health problems that I’ve been fighting for a very long time and which were only getting worse. My Mom and Dad had passed away from Alzheimer’s not long ago and my three sisters haven’t spoken to me in years. I have a daughter, who’s 35 now, who I haven’t seen or heard from since she was three and a half years old. For twenty years of that time I had been incarcerated because of a severe drug addiction problem and the consolidation of a lot of minor drug crimes, but every month I was locked up I wrote her a letter explaining how sorry I was for not being there for her and how much I loved and missed her more than anything in the world, but she still kept up her silence and has never spoken to me again.
Then in October of last year, after I posted a message filled with hopelessness and despair, a woman on ALL had replied to that message and we began talking and gradually my focus changed from suicide to the love I was beginning to feel for her.
She lives in another country and even though we’ve never met face to face, it didn’t matter to me then because of what I was feeling in my heart for her. About a month later was when I told her that I was beginning to fall in love with her and she surprised me by telling me the same thing. Initially we both were hesitant about sharing our deepest secrets with each other, but gradually I became more comfortable in doing so. We talked every night on the phone for hours on end and then we found out about Skype and when it was working it was great. It gave us a chance to finally see who we had been talking to and falling in love with. We had a set time that I would call each night and that in itself gave me something to look forward to.
Then the subject turned to my health problems, which as I said earlier were serious and then she shared that she too had a serious heart condition, but she was going to try and get it taken care of. Unfortunately though my health problems wouldn’t be so easily fixed and my time here on earth was limited. They began causing me a lot of pain and I tried my very best to hide that pain from her because I didn’t want her worrying about me when I wanted her to get her heart condition fixed. Gradually the pain I felt became worse and I no longer could hide it as well as I did before Skype. The harder I tried to conceal it from her the worse it seemed to become and I became worried that I might not last long enough to spend any time with her. I was planning on going to visit her in her country and she told me the best time to visit was in May when the weather was more suited for going outdoors, but I was constantly worried that I might not make it until then and I think some of that worry showed in my behavior when we were on Skype.
Please understand that I love this girl with every part of me and I have never felt as strongly about someone as I do her, but gradually our differences showed their ugly heads. They weren’t major differences, but because I had told her that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, however long that was. They were something we needed to talk about and we did. She was under a lot of stress because of her Mom being on her death bed and even though I was thousand miles away I tried to alleviate some of that stress by telling her how much I loved her. I didn’t know what else I could do which only frustrated me. When you love someone as much as I do her, I think it’s only natural to want to shield her from as much stress and pain as you can. Then sadly we began not seeing eye to eye on some things which somehow have gotten magnified and the frustration I was feeling not only from the immense pain I was feeling, but because of my inability to be there for her as she was for me when I was at the end of my rope back in October of last year.
With great sadness I need to say that it doesn’t seem that we will be a part of each other’s future, a future we both dreamt about for so long. Now, I find myself feeling full of the same hopelessness and despair I felt what seems like a lifetime ago. Now and I have absolutely no desire to take another breath. In the past whenever our relationship started to disintegrate, I would begin feeling the same desire not to live another day. I’m smart enough to know that my happiness shouldn’t be based on whether or not I’m with the girl I fell I in love with, but pain has a way of clouding one’s judgment. The reason I’m posting this is to let you know that it is possible for you to fall in love with someone who’ve you’ve never been with romantically. The thought of us being together in that way in May did help us to hold out hope, but it seems as if that hope is gone despite my dreaming of it still. One of the things that hurts me the most is that she will never know the full extent of my love for her as words can only say so much.
She always be the best thing that has ever happened to me and because of the loss of the one love that has meant the most to me in my life and my desire not to take another breath, I will say goodbye and hopefully I will see her again in another place. Thanks
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Then in October of last year, after I posted a message filled with hopelessness and despair, a woman on ALL had replied to that message and we began talking and gradually my focus changed from suicide to the love I was beginning to feel for her.
She lives in another country and even though we’ve never met face to face, it didn’t matter to me then because of what I was feeling in my heart for her. About a month later was when I told her that I was beginning to fall in love with her and she surprised me by telling me the same thing. Initially we both were hesitant about sharing our deepest secrets with each other, but gradually I became more comfortable in doing so. We talked every night on the phone for hours on end and then we found out about Skype and when it was working it was great. It gave us a chance to finally see who we had been talking to and falling in love with. We had a set time that I would call each night and that in itself gave me something to look forward to.
Then the subject turned to my health problems, which as I said earlier were serious and then she shared that she too had a serious heart condition, but she was going to try and get it taken care of. Unfortunately though my health problems wouldn’t be so easily fixed and my time here on earth was limited. They began causing me a lot of pain and I tried my very best to hide that pain from her because I didn’t want her worrying about me when I wanted her to get her heart condition fixed. Gradually the pain I felt became worse and I no longer could hide it as well as I did before Skype. The harder I tried to conceal it from her the worse it seemed to become and I became worried that I might not last long enough to spend any time with her. I was planning on going to visit her in her country and she told me the best time to visit was in May when the weather was more suited for going outdoors, but I was constantly worried that I might not make it until then and I think some of that worry showed in my behavior when we were on Skype.
Please understand that I love this girl with every part of me and I have never felt as strongly about someone as I do her, but gradually our differences showed their ugly heads. They weren’t major differences, but because I had told her that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, however long that was. They were something we needed to talk about and we did. She was under a lot of stress because of her Mom being on her death bed and even though I was thousand miles away I tried to alleviate some of that stress by telling her how much I loved her. I didn’t know what else I could do which only frustrated me. When you love someone as much as I do her, I think it’s only natural to want to shield her from as much stress and pain as you can. Then sadly we began not seeing eye to eye on some things which somehow have gotten magnified and the frustration I was feeling not only from the immense pain I was feeling, but because of my inability to be there for her as she was for me when I was at the end of my rope back in October of last year.
With great sadness I need to say that it doesn’t seem that we will be a part of each other’s future, a future we both dreamt about for so long. Now, I find myself feeling full of the same hopelessness and despair I felt what seems like a lifetime ago. Now and I have absolutely no desire to take another breath. In the past whenever our relationship started to disintegrate, I would begin feeling the same desire not to live another day. I’m smart enough to know that my happiness shouldn’t be based on whether or not I’m with the girl I fell I in love with, but pain has a way of clouding one’s judgment. The reason I’m posting this is to let you know that it is possible for you to fall in love with someone who’ve you’ve never been with romantically. The thought of us being together in that way in May did help us to hold out hope, but it seems as if that hope is gone despite my dreaming of it still. One of the things that hurts me the most is that she will never know the full extent of my love for her as words can only say so much.
She always be the best thing that has ever happened to me and because of the loss of the one love that has meant the most to me in my life and my desire not to take another breath, I will say goodbye and hopefully I will see her again in another place. Thanks
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