"Waiting" for love

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Why do you think like that?

Stop it. Ending it is not the way to go about it. If you're really concerned, just bring this up WITH HER and see what she says.

"Hey, so are we progressing into something more? This is bothering me as it is because...." and if you can talk that out, you'll both get more on the same page, maybe either agree to continue or agree to subsist without hurting the other with a rash action like that.

If you're this close already, you should be able to bring up stuff like this and discuss like adults, especially if you ever want a relationship.
 
Girliegirl said:
Enpatsu,
You give some great advice. I hope the OP listens.

Hey, thanks, I appreciate that. Don't worry, I talked to him in depth in private message after this and it seems all is good for him now. We actually bounced a lot off each other.
 
Impossible to guess at this woman's intentions without knowing her.

I wouldn't automatically assume that sexting/lighthearted communications indicate she wants nothing more.

Relationships usually start with attraction and those heady feelings caused by sexual attraction.

You've counselled her as a 'friend' and seen her through a painful break-up. I would take heart from the fact that she's not treating you as a dependable shoulder to cry on - she wants to turn you on and think about you as a sexual presence in her life - and that will lead into a relationship.

Go with it and try to keep things emotionally 'light' until her feelings deepen. She's still healing.

Meantime, focus on yourself and your own life. Don't be dependent on her affections to feel happy in your own skin. Whether this pans out or not, the world will keep turning so don't throw all of your energy into this or make your own self-worth dependent on her approval.

Genuinely hope there's a pot of gold at the end of this rainbow for you xx
 
People are counseling this guy to waste months, possibly years of his life waiting for something that in all likelihood won't happen. She doesn't see him as a serious option, she wants to feel desirable again, probably after a bitter breakup with someone who didn't treat her so well.
 
ardour said:
People are counseling this guy to waste months, possibly years of his life waiting for something that in all likelihood won't happen. Who cares, just a man right?  She doesn't see him as a serious option, she wants to feel desirable again, probably after a bitter breakup with someone who didn't treat her so well.

Why the hell do you keep pushing this? Seriously, drop it already.

I've gotten through to this guy, not you, and both him and her are doing quite well now. They had some humps to get through, but they did.

I know you are bitter towards women and utterly hopeless about your life, but thankfully not every guy is. And I sure hope you don't further spread that mindset around; and you won't, so long as I'm here.
 
Actually, in a situation like this, ardour is just as likely to be right as you are. So ardour has every right to say what he thinks and "try to get through to the guy."
BOTH opinions are based on personal beliefs and life experiences and whatever else, so get off your high horse.
 
TheRealCallie said:
Actually, in a situation like this, ardour is just as likely to be right as you are.  So ardour has every right to say what he thinks and "try to get through to the guy."
BOTH opinions are based on personal beliefs and life experiences and whatever else, so get off your high horse.

I've seen way too many people like him. They have bad experiences with women and then try and get other guys to feel the same way, which only breeds more like them.

Yeah, I don't like that, especially when someone is trying to wind up with someone and there is actually potential; the last thing they need is someone dragging them down like that. Partially because I imagine myself 10 years ago, if someone like him had gotten to me, what my life would now be like and how miserable and without any experience I would be. It makes me sick.



So, basically what I'm saying is..... I don't really care what you think. Every fiber in my being will go towards preventing that.
 
Yeah, there's also a high potential of this girl using him, whether it's for sex or a rebound.  
They also don't need to be told "OMG dude, this girl totally wants you and you're going to live happily ever after" or whatever honeysuckle you want to spout.

Fact of the matter is, EVERYONE is entitled to post their opinion here as long as it isn't insulting or rude as fresia.  You don't get to decide who is and is not right.  The whole point of asking for opinions is not to just tell them what they want to hear, but also what they don't want to hear, because it's not always going to be like they want it to be.  It's the job of the person reading to decide which way they will go, not yours.
 
My point is, do you think Ardour is going to be there to talk to and help him out if he followed his bad advice?

Yeah, probably not.


People in this predicament are extremely vulnerable, and if they're bringing up said topics it means they put a lot of weight on them. You have to weigh your opinions before you drop in the mindset Ardour flagrantly goes around with, not due to caring, but because of his own bitterness he's just inviting this guy here to share in.


Again, how much one-on-one time do you think Ardour has had with the OP vs me? I feel like Ardour is letting his own life biases seep into a very serious topic without much care for the outcome he could possibly wind up producing.

And I remain adamant I will speak out against such things. Especially when it offers no real solutions but "Eh, give up and save yourself a bunch of hurt."

Wow. What advice. Just give in. Imagine if every therapist in the world said that. What's even the point of seeking help when you get answers like that? I thought the point of this forum was to set people on the right path, not dissuade them from the outcomes they want.
 
ardour said:
People are counseling this guy to waste months, possibly years of his life waiting for something that in all likelihood won't happen.  She doesn't see him as a serious option, she wants to feel desirable again, probably after a bitter breakup with someone who didn't treat her so well.

My advice to him was "focus on yourself and your own life."

This idea of "waiting" and "wasting months" makes no sense to me, ardour.

If relationships are fun and positive, the duration of that connection can never be a waste of time - even if it doesn't culminate in something long term.

You learn more about yourself building relationships and that self-awareness will bring you closer to the partnership that will last forever.

Pretty much just "You reap what you sow".

If she doesn't make the same investment in him, then sure, time to walk away....but he's clearly interested and attracted, so why not try?
 
I'd also like to add that if the OP is in the "give me the relationship I want or I'll never talk to you again," it's not going to work anyway. No, I doubt he actually said that to her, but he's made it pretty clear in his posts that that's what it boils down to.
 
Avoided reading anything but the first post, after seeing Callie's last post here which made me think "This guy must be a complete *********."

Nah, though I didn't read any of his other posts in here, but from the original post it doesn't seem that way. But here's what I will say.

Are you really getting nothing back, my dude? You've got her attention. You're getting her friendship. You get her time. You get to hear about her day. You're invested in the life of another. That's all friendship boils down to.

Always take care of yourself first and foremost, and never change who you are for another. But that doesn't mean you can't help someone through issues you have experience with if you're willing to.

Were you helping her with her issues because you saw she had similar issues, or were you helping her with her issues because you wanted to be with her? That's an important question to ask yourself and no one else. Because it influences greatly what you're going to say to her when trying to help her with those issues.

Were you trying to help her, or were you trying to steer her towards you? Because the latter is a bit of a "bad" thing to do, but I can see how it's easy to do it without even knowing you are doing it. As long as you're not her therapist, it's not really a big deal as long as you're not going to blow up on her if it doesn't go the way you want. If you do that, you'd be a complete ******. Don't be that guy. I've been that guy, yeah? It doesn't feel good.

Be her friend, talk about your issues together, focus on yourself though and taking care of your own life. Don't forget about her though, don't leave her unless she stops talking to you then yeah, I'd leave it because it feels worse to be the one hanging on. It may, over time, work out.

She also may start dating someone else, while telling you she's not ready. Definitely don't blow up on her at that point. Just leave her be and 100% focus on your own life. It's her life, and her choices. It might feel like you've been slighted if that happens, but that's just someone not knowing how to express their emotions, a lot of women seem to have this process of problem solving that hurts you because of their intentions to avoid hurting you. As fake as that may seem, honeysuckle happens. If someone comes along that just sparks her life up then so be it. Wish her the best and keep on truckin'.

Hope it works out, and if it doesn't, then buddy I hope it works out somewhere else.

And if you're someone who can't deal with "just being friends" IF that comes up, as it so often does, then don't at all feel bad about not wanting to. That's your decision, same as hers, to move on completely. Don't hang on, though, if you have no intentions to.
Don't let yourself get demonized for being someone who can't deal with that situation, either. A lot of people will say it's a shitty thing to do. To be friends with someone but have romantic intention for them and not wanting to be friends with them if they don't want to be with you. I don't see it that way. You've got no obligation to be put in or stay in that situation, as long as you're not creeping around after the fact you know? That's one of those "Okay, bye." Then you go find something that is going to work for you scenarios. Might hurt the girls feelings, but she'll live man.


Edits: After reading the whole thing, between Enpatsu and Ardour. Neither are wrong.
 Ardour is someone I agree with, but wish I didn't. Because much of what he says is true, real, and painful to accept.
 Enpatsu is someone I agree with because much of what he says is true, real, and extremely hard to find, but you hope for it.
Walk a middle line. Knowing that a lot of women will just use you, but some won't. Protect yourself, Respect yourself. But also respect others and know when to walk away.  That's the best you can do.
 
So, to update this.
First of all, please don't full on argue with each other, didn't mean to cause a fight with this thread.

The really worried, anxious and messed up part of me agrees with Ardour. But even if Ardour is 100% right, I'm not letting that stop me. I'm not giving up on women or love, and not this chick, not until I see this through one way or the other. As Moon Puppet said, it won't be a waste of time

Now, after reading his replies and having some 1on1 chats, I'm 100% agreeing with Enpatsu. He 100% described what I think and feel, and gave me some great advice. Sometimes tho you need to hear things from someone else to be sure about them, y'know? Make sure you're not being dumb, or putting yourself in a situation that you shouldn't.

@Callie, no, this is not a "my way or no way". I'm ofcourse not gonna force her in a relationship, or demand it to be exactly as I want it if we get in one, I'm not a cunt. The whole "i'll never talk to her again" thing, will happen only for me to get over her if she decides we won't be dating, not cause I didnt get what i wanted or whatever, but to heal up.

@Naizo, most of the help "i've given her" was before things changed, when we were just 2 good friends, the advices were based on personal experiences etc, but otherwise were completely unbiased. But even after I fell for her, I'm being as unbiased as I can, at least knowingly.
And I won't blow up on her, I never will. I honestly believe I've helped her through some things, it doesn't matter if we date or not, she finally found a person that she finally feels legit cares for her, that makes her feel like she's worth something for once, I am NOT gonna ruin that by being a horrible cunt no matter how this turns out. Even if this doesn't work out and I'll need to distance myself, I will make it clear to her that it's so I can take care of myself.
 
Don't give up on women, just forget about this, regroup, join clubs or meetups in your local area – it’s easier than ever with facebook. Even online dating would be more worthwhile. You’re 25 already, every moment you waste crushing over this friend is time you could have spent looking for someone.

9 times out of 10 a non-committal attitude means 'no'. People telling you to go for it or whatever are apparently happy seeing someone throw away precious years of their 20's. It's irresponsible advice.
 
TBH I kinda agree with Ardour to a point,  if she's already running hot and cold on you like you said in the OP then that isn't a good sign in my opinion, sounds kinda like she uses you as a self esteem boost or something.

Also if you're an very emotional type as you say then it's possible you've smothered her a bit and pushed her away which might be another reason for the hot and cold thing.
 
I feel this topic is a lost cause at this point. If I'm helping you best, let's just stick with the one-on-one messages and leave the rest of them out of it.
 

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