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Therapy draining my life energy
**I don't want to discourage anyone from getting help or trying to get better. This is just my personal experience, and I still think it's worth getting help than doing nothing.

So I've actually been doing better than I have in years therapy-wise.

I went from public crying, literally bolting down the street and leaving a family member stranded during a panic attack, to going to the doctors alone, getting the dreaded public transport alone and (hopefully) this week going to the busy equally dreaded supermarket alone.

I went up to someone and spoke to them, and although they blanked me (lmao) it was still a monumental thing for me.

Sooo why do I feel like crap -_-

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful. I spent almost the entirety of last year in my bedroom. I went at least 7 months without going outside at all, which is embarrassing but reality.

Is that why I don't feel happy now? Or is it that my depression might not be situational as I always thought it to be?

I'm pretty much refusing to go on medication, but I'm wondering if I'll actually need it after all?

I'm crying every night, struggling to eat or sleep, physical health is deteriorating, as usual still no enjoyment of life, and last night I almost committed suicide.

The health services are literally doing all they can and it's worked! Physically.

But mentally I'm deteriorating. I feel so overwhelmed. I started self-harming again for the first time since the last time I tried going out. I tried really hard to stop that, but everything is so much right now. My phobias and paranoia are unbearable and at a ridiculous level.

I don't want to complain, as I never imagined I'd be up and about again, but I'm scared. I don't want to ruin my progress, and I don't really want to die. It's just that I feel like I'm suffocating.

Everyone tells me it gets better, it gets easier etc. but I'm still struggling. Idk if I'm expecting too much too soon. It's a lot more difficult than everyone said it would be is all. I expected I'd be feeling different than I do at this stage.

I feel really guilty and selfish, as tbh I'm pretty sure everyone irl gave up on me before. My therapist looked at me like she was dead before lmao. But now everyone is rooting for me, smiles at me all the time, and I don't want to let them down. They're so happy. I'm the only one who isn't.

Also, I don't want to be sectioned. I'm worried. I'm pretty sure if I was sectioned now (due to being suicidal) or discharged from treatment (sometimes mental health services will say they don't deal with suicidal people) I'd go straight back to how I was before. But due to me being desperate and not wanting to die when things are just starting to change for me I blabbed, and now I'm scared and regretting saying anything at all. Did I do the right thing or should I have kept it shut? Should I lie and say I'm fine now?

This might not make sense. It's midnight. Doubt I'll be able to sleep :/ Thanks to anyone who reads this anyway lol.
You are expecting too much too soon, I think. Hang in there, one step at a time. Baby steps.

It's not going to be able to get magically undone and you up and about after one or even two sessions. If you feel progress, then give it some time and stick with it.

The fact you felt the need to post this kinda proves to me you are serious about wanting things to get better; don't lie and say you're all better, but if you'll get into serious qualms if you mention what's really going on.... it's a quandary.
Why not just bring up you're having concerns or relapsing to someone, without mentioning the extreme? To be honest, that what I would do, but if you really want help and you'll be treated fairly (it sounds like they only want to help), maybe you should really tell them what's really going on and why. That's what you want and are there for.

All I can say for sure is definitely don't say you're fine. You're clearly not.
[Image: giphy.gif]
Two steps forward, maybe into the terror zone, one step back. OK, you're still a step did something monumental going up and talking to that person and you managed the public transport too. So pat yourself on the back, stay as calm and collected as you can and take another couple of steps forward. ENS is right, baby steps for now may be the way to go.
And I'm not trying to be condescending here, OK? What you're coping with is some serious stuff, good on you for doing it!
Contentment comes from within.  Do not seek it from outside yourself.


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