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What is this?
#1
Not sure what I am going through, I have started crying everyday for almost a month now. I am not depressed because I don't have issues concentrating or doing my tasks. I go to job interviews and spend a lot of time preparing and even learning skills. After more than year trying since I do want to change my jobs, recruiters finally started calling me. I am 34, single woman, live alone. I am comfortable and actually often seek time away from people. I dont like going to bars or late at night, I have circles for hitch hiking. My colleagues don't like me and try to cause me problems, but thats not new and I have learned to manage. I started learning japanese on weekends, I have been intending to for years, finally started. It was going well, it flows easy for me to my surprise and I enjoy practicing the kanji or hiragana/katakana writing. I was born in Japan and lived there with my family until I was five, I love their food and appreciation of beauty and art. On one occasion, one of the course participants made a casual non intentional remark that it seems after all that I do go out with friends. She did not mean to be sarcastic and maybe doesnt have a clue how that affected me. Or maybe it was just around that time that I started crying every day. I even skipped class the next week. Maybe I am also tired of working hard for years without time to do the things that I want, but things like japanese course, yoga class, or dancing lessons are the things that I want. Something is happening to me and I still cant get to the bottom of this crying. All I know is that I feel very sensitive, vulnerable, and dont want to be working at this job anymore.
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#2
Hating your job. Now that is something I can relate to. i really envy people who love their job. i think the number who actually love their job is quite small.
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#3
It sounds like you have overworked and overwhelmed yourself. You need a little getaway to refresh yourself and then you need to start finding more time for yourself. Add into that your coworkers not liking you...all that tends to drain you.

You have found a way to work Japanese into your life, have you also found ways to work dance and yoga in? I'm not sure what you do, but could you find a dance or yoga class after work?

Hiding away from people rarely helps, depending on the reason why you are hiding. I understand why you do, but try not to do it so often, that's likely only going to make you feel worse.
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#4
I loved dancing, my heart was so joyful when I used to dance and do yoga. But then I had some work and financial troubles, I had to keep a lateshift hard job to remain financially stable so it was not possible to go dancing anymore. I also could not keep practicing yoga because the late shifts drained me physically. Hence looking for ways to change jobs again, it was my life mission for over 2 years. But there is something else. I am used to disregarding any coworkers insinuating I dont belong there or trying to take away my projects. Survival and restoring my work reputatiion was my main concern and I did not allow them, I never cared if they liked me ad long as I feel financially safe. But lately, it is different. I cry for the smallest suggestion that I dont belong there. This time I dont feel financially threatened, its something far deeper.
I want to spend my days doing yoga, in nature, and studying japanese. I cannot afford toleave without securing another job.
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#5
Being in "hostile" conditions, even if it's just a sense of not belonging, will get to anyone eventually, so it not a huge surprise that it is impacting you.
Have you looked for jobs in other areas?
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#6
@TheRealCallie, I have dealt with that too. It has been really heavy, but I feel I am not crying because of this. And I don't think it's the job or place or the people. Other times I cry, it is like ooh poor me for suffering this or that. This is different, I cannot call it sadness exactly, I still cannot put a finger on it. I didn't lose appetite or sleep, I even take good care of myself. When those people insinuate that I don't belong there, I am not even mad at them. I even think that I react this way, because I know they are actually right. But I don't know where I belong. Something is heavy on my chest, or like a punch in the gut... The smallest thing can make me cry now - my cat cuddling, a beautiful movie scene... and I cry and I let it flow. I sit with my pain, and I really don't want and don't need to blame it on my colleagues or my job, and I am also tired of running to psychologists, astrologers or other specialists. This time, I want to discover it myself, within me, and own it.
What is this? Have you felt this way? It is not depression, loneliness or sadness, what is it?
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#7
Emptiness?

No one on here can tell you what you're feeling or why you're feeling it. We don't know your life.
But given that you've chosen to make certain sacrifices in your life for financial reasons... and then what you deal with at work (you don't have to blame anyone, just acknowledge the situation - you didn't go out of your way to make friends with any of these people either, right? It is what it is... but dealing with it daily can take it's toll, even if you think you're used to it.) Regret... maybe?

It could be hormonal. You're 34, do you have a strong desire for children?

" ...On one occasion, one of the course participants made a casual non intentional remark that it seems after all that I do go out with friends. She did not mean to be sarcastic and maybe doesnt have a clue how that affected me. Or maybe it was just around that time that I started crying every day. I even skipped class the next week..."

Or it could be loneliness and you're just in denial?
There's probably a lot of reasons why you could be crying... what thoughts cross your mind when this is going on?
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#8
(04-22-2019, 01:54 AM)StartOver Wrote: @TheRealCallie, I have dealt with that too. It has been really heavy, but I feel I am not crying because of this. And I don't think it's the job or place or the people. Other times I cry, it is like ooh poor me for suffering this or that. This is different, I cannot call it sadness exactly, I still cannot put a finger on it. I didn't lose appetite or sleep, I even take good care of myself. When those people insinuate that I don't belong there, I am not even mad at them. I even think that I react this way, because I know they are actually right. But I don't know where I belong. Something is heavy on my chest, or like a punch in the gut... The smallest thing can make me cry now - my cat cuddling, a beautiful movie scene... and I cry and I let it flow. I sit with my pain, and I really don't want and don't need to blame it on my colleagues or my job, and I am also tired of running to psychologists, astrologers or other specialists. This time, I want to discover it myself, within me, and own it.
What is this? Have you felt this way? It is not depression, loneliness or sadness, what is it?

Yes, I have felt that way.  For me, it was everything and nothing.  In the end, it was that I didn't know who I was or what I wanted in life.  That I didn't have really anything I was proud of (except my kids).  It didn't go away until I figured myself out.  Until I accepted myself and improved myself.  Yes, the dreaded self improvement.  lol
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#9
On the other hand, ………..
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#10
May be all of the above. Yes, I did not make friends, I am thinking about that. I am friendly and kind person in general. But I was also very afraid of rumors people had been saying about me, and my new colleagues enjoyed some nasty jokes about being fired (sounded more like threats than references about someone). There was a  time though, we used to go out all of us and make fund of the crazy boss we have, went to some parties as well. I had a female colleague friend, we used to drink coffee and talk about health stuff, diets or psychology and astrology since we shared those interests. She and many others left, it is no fun anymore. Now I am stuck with the newly promoted immature for their age and their role colleagues that think that, complaining I am no fun, sounds professional. And by fun they mean street talk or basically teenage stuff. So yes I have closed up a little with my new surroundings.

I do not have a strong urge for children yet. I do want to have my children, but I am not in a baby fever. But I have not had a decent boyfriend for a long time. I am the type that would rather go alone than with a bad company. But then again, I would like to put my life and myself together before involving someone else in the picture. I want to feel good about myself in that matter.

I guess since I searched for Loneliness in Google before posting here, I do feel somehow lonely at times.

Do you know what I miss? Being Free. Free to say what I think or show how I feel, not reported, or background checked. Not that I ever said anything political or racial, I just miss being able to fb post things like, I need a vacation, without being labeled as bad employee... or vacation photos without having my boss as fb friend... I guess I had put on a very thick mask for survival reasons that I have started suffocating. Not only I had to be very very careful what I said or how I dealt with conflict at work, I had a long period of time questioning myself - questioning things I said and did that lead me to my financial and professional crisis. Despite knowing that I tried to protect myself and my coworkers and boss from way back did me wrong and they should be the one to pay the consequences for being professionalism, not me. I had to realize that in order to survive financially, I had to adapt emotionally. I learned to hide my personal hobbies and interests out of fear - how to be open then and make new friends? I have been living in a cage, still am. I want out of the cage, I want to dare to be free and genuine in my reactions again without fear of consequences. How can you not be lonely when you are not open. 

I have to learn again, for a second time, to step out for myself - I had to do it after graduating, but on another level. I overcame the ugly duckling syndrome after I have been put down by my sister and my mother, had little self esteem at school - I was so proud to be financially independent and free to do as I want and most importantly, express myself the way I always wanted, while my peers were still living with their parents. This time, I have to do it again, on the level of grown ups. Getting married with kids just because its my time and for society's norm's sake is not my way for true happiness.
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