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What is this?
#21
I actually do suffer from this hostile work environment. I just don't carry it with myself during calm moments. But when it strikes again, I feel so weak and disappointed, bitter. I have spent so much time analyzing what things may look like from other people's perspective, did I do anything wrong. I try to adjust. It doesn't matter. I think it is always connected to a particular person who just hated me from the start. Without even knowing me, she just started joking around people being incompetent and being fired. It sounded like threats. One of my colleagues back then, the one I had coffee and conversations with, told her that there are several new hires who may not take her jokes well. This person is very pushy, she ended up on a very fast track of career progress, being promoted twice just for the 2 years I have worker here. She is now even part of the management team. She has a circle of people, and never misses to recruit new hires too. It is amazing how new hires that were nice and saying hi to me, just in two weeks start pretending they don't know me, without even having any work related or personal interactions with me. This cannot be a coincidence.

I really do understand how helping others is empowering, but right now all I really want is just to quit this job. Only thing is that I have to find a new one first because I need the salary.

My past 3 years have been all battles and I am so tired. I lost my social life entirely. In my spare time I just recuperate and recover physically. I am too focused on defending myself and protecting myself from being badly reviewed by managers at work out of fear of being left without income. I have no one I can depend on in life. So I guess when I found myself some time in between battles, I realized how empty my life has become, and how much I have to build again. Everything after I finally overcame my low self esteem and had built some confidence and social life.
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