Love...

Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.

Quietude

Active member
Joined
Jun 19, 2017
Messages
31
Reaction score
0
I feel like I could never be loved.

I'm just too weird... led too much of an odd life, an unusual look and unusual mind... 

There is nothing actually wrong with me, I'm very sound morally, good family, good upbringing, no odd interests or anything, no secrets, nothing. I have a lot of interests and am generally a positive person, but happen to also be a massive loner. A content one however, who is ambitious with a positive life infront of me from a career perspective, but a loner nonetheless. I do also see a relationship with the right person as a wonderful thing but I just can't see that as an actual possibility. 

I totally feel like I'm the outcast that can never be loved, as if no matter what happens, I would never be a woman's choice for companionship.
 
[font=Arial, sans-serif]It is sad to see here so many young, lonely ,depressed people ….[/font]
[font=Arial, sans-serif] [/font]
[font=Arial, sans-serif]Feeling unwanted is a part of life. It can happen to everyone at one point or another.[/font]
[font=Arial, sans-serif]Being romantically desired is not the most important thing in life.[/font]
[font=Arial, sans-serif]Friendships are also important.[/font]
[font=Arial, sans-serif]You surely have some people who will always care about you.[/font]
[font=Arial, sans-serif]Think positive ! [/font]
[font=Arial, sans-serif] [/font]
[font=Arial, sans-serif]“Keep a green tree in your heart and perhaps a singing bird will come.”[/font]
[font=Arial, sans-serif]— Chinese proverb[/font]
[font=Arial, sans-serif] [/font]
 
sunlight_hope said:
[font=Arial, sans-serif]It is sad to see here so many young, lonely ,depressed people ….[/font]
[font=Arial, sans-serif] [/font]
[font=Arial, sans-serif]Feeling unwanted is a part of life. It can happen to everyone at one point or another.[/font]
[font=Arial, sans-serif]Being romantically desired is not the most important thing in life.[/font]
[font=Arial, sans-serif]Friendships are also important.[/font]
[font=Arial, sans-serif]You surely have some people who will always care about you.[/font]
[font=Arial, sans-serif]Think positive ! [/font]
[font=Arial, sans-serif] [/font]
[font=Arial, sans-serif]“Keep a green tree in your heart and perhaps a singing bird will come.”[/font]
[font=Arial, sans-serif]— Chinese proverb[/font]
[font=Arial, sans-serif] [/font]

Unfortunately, due to past circumstances (nothing bad that I or anyone else did), I have no friends. I have some good close family but they are all very different to me. 

Fortunately, I'm not actually all that lonely or depressed, been there in the past and know what it's like. I have already come to terms with the idea that I will likely be alone for the rest of my life.

It's funny though because I always desired companionship, even from a little kid when I was too young to really understand it. I'm someone with a soft heart and a lot of love to give, I just don't think anyone would want it.
 
I consider you a friend. Even after what you did to your head :club:

Lol
I know it's not the same as offline friends, but still.

As for romance, I do think a girl would be lucky to have you.  Don't give up.
 
You seem like an interesting person to me, and I like your attitude. I think we have some things in common you might call odd, so if you want to have at least one friend, you can PM to get to know each other better.

My issue with making friends is that I'm shy, I'm not a bad person either, but you have to try to make friends actively a lot. I could add something to the conversations around me or start new ones, but I don't really want to, because I'm shy and not that confident when talking. But I can feel it what it would be like if I were more extroverted, then I would have a lot more friends, or at least one. I'm working on it, but it would be unrealistic if you could change from very introverted to extroverted easily. I'm currently trying to make friends on the internet. Maybe I will become more outgoing in real life too.

I think it's like that for romantic relationships too, but I'm obviously not an expert. But how different can women and men be? We are all human after all.
 
Dr_Pixel said:
You seem like an interesting person to me, and I like your attitude. I think we have some things in common you might call odd, so if you want to have at least one friend, you can PM to get to know each other better.

My issue with making friends is that I'm shy, I'm not a bad person either, but you have to try to make friends actively a lot. I could add something to the conversations around me or start new ones, but I don't really want to, because I'm shy and not that confident when talking. But I can feel it what it would be like if I were more extroverted, then I would have a lot more friends, or at least one. I'm working on it, but it would be unrealistic if you could change from very introverted to extroverted easily. I'm currently trying to make friends on the internet. Maybe I will become more outgoing in real life too.

I think it's like that for romantic relationships too, but I'm obviously not an expert. But how different can women and men be? We are all human after all.

Yeah, women and men are really not that different. There are just so many things in society, social things etc that create a fabricated divide between the genders making it seem like we are almost separate animals sometimes even, really it's all just an exaggeration.

I think confidence while commonly referred to as a big player in attraction, is actually even underrated. Confidence is a main player in all social interactions whether romantic or otherwise. I find it to the point that if you have confidence and respect yourself, others will often respect you too, which can bring forth both social or romantic relationships.

My problem though I feel is larger than individual things such as that. I feel like I have a concoction of traits physical and mental that when put together, creates a person who is simply not attractive, no matter how I could attempt to spin it whether that's perhaps gaining confidence, changing my look or being financially well off.

I don't want to sound super defeatist either. I sometimes wonder whether these thoughts are off the mark and just a distorted vision of myself in my own mind... or if it is actually true.

It can be such a hard thing to judge yourself. I think I am just trying to search for an answer, and wondering if other people feel the same way about themselves here I suppose too.
 
Oddball loners always have trouble because where you appear fit in society is an important part of how people perceive you. Sounds like you're aware how unlikely it is that anyone's giong to care enough to bring you out of your shell at this point. I don't have an answer other than the generic: force yourself into being social, whether that be at work or meetups. And not D&D or other groups frequented exclusively by certain types of men.
 
I think you have to explain what you mean by a concoction of physical and mental traits.

Physical traits shouldn't matter that much. If you look average, it shouldn't be a problem. Besides that, there are also a lot of people that don't look good, which are in relationships. Would very good looks even help you? Sure more women would talk to you, but would you be able to keep a conversation with them? And would that relationship become close and long-lasting or would it end after just one night?

If you want meaningful and longterm relationships, you should pay more attention to your mental traits. You are optimistic and you improve yourself, which is certainly not unattractive. I would assume you don't feel confident around people and the usual social problems of introverts, but what do I know? You even don't know it yourself. But you from what I read in your posts, you don't seem mentally unattractive when writing.

I thought I was also an outcast, too different for the average person. But I can have conversations with people online, and even offline if I would try more. I had a distorted picture of myself until I realized that you just have to try to make friends instead of staying that silent introverted person. It seems to me that most people aren't as different as I thought, but how could I know better if I didn't try to get to know them and just assumed they were totally different. Of course, it's easy to say just make friends. It takes a whole lot of effort and time, but someone with a mindset like you can work on themselves. Keep trying, and try to find what is keeping you from having friends.
 
Dr_Pixel said:
I think you have to explain what you mean by a concoction of physical and mental traits.

Physical traits shouldn't matter that much. If you look average, it shouldn't be a problem. Besides that, there are also a lot of people that don't look good, which are in relationships. Would very good looks even help you? Sure more women would talk to you, but would you be able to keep a conversation with them? And would that relationship become close and long-lasting or would it end after just one night?

If you want meaningful and longterm relationships, you should pay more attention to your mental traits. You are optimistic and you improve yourself, which is certainly not unattractive. I would assume you don't feel confident around people and the usual social problems of introverts, but what do I know? You even don't know it yourself. But you from what I read in your posts, you don't seem mentally unattractive when writing.

I thought I was also an outcast, too different for the average person. But I can have conversations with people online, and even offline if I would try more. I had a distorted picture of myself until I realized that you just have to try to make friends instead of staying that silent introverted person. It seems to me that most people aren't as different as I thought, but how could I know better if I didn't try to get to know them and just assumed they were totally different. Of course, it's easy to say just make friends. It takes a whole lot of effort and time, but someone with a mindset like you can work on themselves. Keep trying, and try to find what is keeping you from having friends.

What I mean is that there are very many non-stereotypical/non-generic things about both my looks and personality which I feel creates someone who is not considered romantically viable. Even arrogant dickheads that would treat a partner with no respect would be picked over me. I don't really want to be super specific on a public forum, even if I did it would not really resemble an accurate image unless I went into deep detail.

Funnily enough I am not that bad socially, I generally get on with people really well. I have a ton of interests and really enjoy seeing what other people have to say about different subjects, I like talking about everything. In this instance yes being attractive would help. lol

This really is down to those things that lead to attraction and the choice someone might make to want to be with someone. Just because you are a nice person, perhaps talented, knowledgeable, etc, does not necessarily mean you can find companionship. There are usually many more factors involved. Sometimes you see someone who is one of the most talented people in the world, but they never have a partner, and no one seems to question as to why, it almost seems like it's normal for that person not to. Neither both my past friends or family have ever questioned to me the fact I have been single for my entire life and I'm in my 30's
 
That was kinda predictable that your issue is more complex, otherwise, you probably would have fixed it already.

I'm trying to make friends at all first, so I haven't thought that there might be issues with maintaining relationships or making them close yet. The reality is always more complex, isn't it?

Since your issue is more complex, I think nobody can really help you without knowing the details. I wouldn't post anything so personal public either. You could talk to people you are more close with about that because talking about yourself can give you more insight and maybe different ideas from other people could help, at least that is what a therapist does.

You need self-reflection to identify the issues, reasons and find possible solutions, but this is a lengthy process. Keep searching. There is not much that others can do for you. Nobody knows you better than yourself and only you can change yourself.

All I can do is to wish you luck and hope.
 
Dr_Pixel said:
That was kinda predictable that your issue is more complex, otherwise, you probably would have fixed it already.

I'm trying to make friends at all first, so I haven't thought that there might be issues with maintaining relationships or making them close yet. The reality is always more complex, isn't it?

Since your issue is more complex, I think nobody can really help you without knowing the details. I wouldn't post anything so personal public either. You could talk to people you are more close with about that because talking about yourself can give you more insight and maybe different ideas from other people could help, at least that is what a therapist does.

You need self-reflection to identify the issues, reasons and find possible solutions, but this is a lengthy process. Keep searching. There is not much that others can do for you. Nobody knows you better than yourself and only you can change yourself.

All I can do is to wish you luck and hope.

I have done more soul searching and self-reflection than 99.9% of the human race and made giant strides in life. Unfortunately my family are people who are simply not the types to provide those kinds of answers that you mention might result from talking. They are nice people and I get on with them well, but kind of weird from how I expect a 'normal' family to communicate. 

They are a bit too different from me you see... They are religious, I am not. They often focus on emotions, I am very rational and humanistic. I'm left leaning, they are right leaning. They often get information from anecdotes a specific source, I do research and learn from multiple sources to verify information, I am very technical, they are not... etc...

Sometimes I wonder if there are things that cannot be fixed, things that just 'are'. 

Two things I know I do have are a diamond will and a soft heart. I can keep going until I die and hope, it's pretty hard sometimes knowing that it might be something impossible and seems like a really sad state of affairs. Really it comes down to something quite human... that being I hope I won't be alone forever. Even though I can handle it, I can live with it, it would be so sad.
 
Quietude said:
I feel like I could never be loved.

I'm just too weird... led too much of an odd life, an unusual look and unusual mind... 

There is nothing actually wrong with me, I'm very sound morally, good family, good upbringing, no odd interests or anything, no secrets, nothing. I have a lot of interests and am generally a positive person, but happen to also be a massive loner. A content one however, who is ambitious with a positive life infront of me from a career perspective, but a loner nonetheless. I do also see a relationship with the right person as a wonderful thing but I just can't see that as an actual possibility. 

I totally feel like I'm the outcast that can never be loved, as if no matter what happens, I would never be a woman's choice for companionship.


Have you tried to find love?  Just because you're a loner or socially incapable, doesn't mean you can't be successful in a one on one relationship.  I am a loner, and an island to myself.  My personality - in my mind - is kind, generous, and I enjoy talking about life experiences.  And in my mind I would think I would not have a problem making friends.  However, I make enemies much easier - and I am a recluse.  Yet, I have never had bad luck meeting or dating women.  I'm hardly over-confident, I really am not good looking, more on the forgettable side.  Conservative views, very black & white, and I've been successful.  Actually I married a beautiful loving woman last year and I still can't believe she's mine even though we've been together for 4 years now.

So don't give up. The key is being true to yourself and keep trying.  Online dating is the best thing to happen to us non-socialites - the ice breaker is relatively easy.  If you don't work out, begin doing so. It builds confidence and self-esteem, manufactures anti-depression chemicals in your brain, which puts you in a good emotional place, not to mention having extra muscle is handy. I've worked out for 40 years as of this year...trust me, it's a worthwhile investment in yourself. Also learn how to communicate better. There are a ton of books out there, and information online...learn that skill.  When out on dates, learn to listen and ask questions. Be interested in her - plan fun activities like bowling or a walk in a park.  There is a medium size city near me with a nice park, a paved path that takes about 25 minutes to walk in a circle. I have taken multiple dates there, and walked and talked.  After the 20 or so minutes, you know if there's chemistry.  I then used to offer to go out for coffee afterwards, or maybe pizza if I wanted to offer more time.
I now take my wife to that park, and we walk and talk and go out for pizza.

Keep us posted.
 
Quietude, once again I'll offer a different perspective from the others above.  Here's a 3 point response for the condition you're in.

First of all, know that you're loved by God, and that's true whether you believe it or not.  And since Jesus himself said that knowing and loving the Lord is the most important thing in life, it's no small matter to disregard.  Whether you go through life as a loner or socialite, I'd encourage you to focus on the one most significant relationship that you can obtain by your own free will and action.  I know that for me and other Christians, having that close relationship right gives peace of mind and love in the heart - something that we all need and something that helps us maneuver through life better.

Second, I can relate to the feeling of being a loner too, since I have spent much of my life being one - not by choice, but moreso by career factors and other circumstances.  When I reflect on the best times of my life though, they usually entail doing things with other people.  No doubt, my social time with others has brought me more fun in sharing experiences, more interesting conversations, and more bonding friendships than even my best times alone.  For that reason, I believe that we're all better off recognizing our innate need for people and relationships.  My own father and a couple of friends of mine reject this premise, and have gone through their whole lives intentionally avoiding friendships, social affairs, and even family relationships.  It's a sad choice though, since the most important, rewarding, lasting thing in life is love, and that only comes from relationships.  One can make it through life as a loner all right, but there's little defending it as a more fun, enriching, or memorable life to pursue.  Thus, while some of us lead the loner path at times, I think it prudent for us to recognize it as a temporary diversion from the path we're designed for - something to overcome by taking active steps.  For me, that means forcing myself to go out to places where I can meet people and to be assertive enough to strike up conversations with strangers.  It also means valuing every new contact I make and friendship I have by staying in touch and paying regular visits.  If you're settled down in a town, I think the best way to meet friendly people who will quickly accept you is at a good Christian church.  There, you can quickly build a social circle of worthwhile relationships by participating in their small group studies, community volunteer programs, and more.  A recreational or social club might give you this too, but I've found that many clubs are like high school, having their clicks already in place, and leaving it hard for a newbie to break in.  A (good) Christian church couldn't be more different.  There, the members want newbies to feel welcomed and want them to be part of the church family.  You just can't find a more relationship forming environment, and you needn't be a believer to show up and be welcomed there.  Finally, on this point of seeking relationships, I'd like to share one more Christian perspective that I've just recently discovered  - what we'll likely experience right after we die.   Whether you're a spiritual believer or not, the scientific evidence for a human soul is becoming substantial.  This is being revealed more now through books and videos on near death experiences, with millions of people claiming to have had them.  One of the shared reports from various NDE witnesses is a warm welcoming in heaven to those first appearing there - by known friends, family, and past encounters.  Most Christian pastors and theologians would deem this consistent with heaven too - that we'll be reunited with (believing) loved ones from our life here.  In other words, the relationships we build in this short, temporary life may determine the ones we'll have in the future eternal life.  

Thirdly, I offer a worthwhile solution to all single people seeking a mate in life who haven't succeeded by chance encounters: the online dating sites.  I feel like an expert with them after plying dozens of them over the past 30 years (starting before the internet actually).  And while I have not yet found my Miss Right, I know a few things worth mentioning in its defense: 1) You can increase your selection pool and potential encounters from dozens a year to hundreds of thousands, 2) There's a large majority of the girls looking for a serious long term relationship, and 3) searching the profiles can be both fun and provide optimism.  I personally subscribe (and pay) to 5 different date sites at a time, giving me more prospects to consider than I could ever see or meet otherwise in a lifetime.  It is a simple, efficient process, and I enjoy the constant interaction that the sites give me. For a single lonely guy, I definately recommend you put some money into the online dating game.  It's particularly a viable pursuit for someone who's shy or introverted.

So, there's my 2 cents (or 2 hours') worth.  I hope that encourages and motivates you.
 
Sir Joseph, I'm sorry that you feel the need for a religion to be content. Religion is not something of any worth for me, someone who is very much so a humanist. 

Much like I don't take certain drugs which often act as a catalyst for fixing a problem (instead of fixing the root of the problem), I consider religion to be the same thing. It does not fix the root of the problem. It just acts as a comfort blanket.

This topic is actually about feeling like you are too odd to be accepted by another human being as a companion. Finding a human partner in life to love and be loved by.
 
Fair enough Quietude.  Our perspectives on problems and solutions logically would be different given our opposite world views. If your humanist beliefs and values don't eventually work for you in the future, maybe you'll come to consider another path.  Meanwhile, whether you get yourself more normalized or not, I think there's compatable mates to be found somewhere in the world, and the web date sites are a good method of increasing your chances of finding one.  I wish you well and good luck with it.
 
[font=arial, sans-serif][font=arial, sans-serif]Love is one of the most important things in our life. No one person can live a full and healthy life without a loved one.[/font]

[/font]
[font=arial, sans-serif][font=arial, sans-serif]Now human progress has reached invisible heights and we are still moving forward.[/font]

[/font]
[font=arial, sans-serif][font=arial, sans-serif]Now you can meet your love without even leaving your home. There are many blogs, forums and social networks.[/font]

[/font]
[font=arial, sans-serif][font=arial, sans-serif]Finding your soul mate is not very difficult now. I found my girlfriend here [/font]
[/font]
https://www.flirt.com/ . [font=arial, sans-serif][font=arial, sans-serif]And sites like this very large number. So look and everything will be fine with you.[/font]

[/font]
 

Latest posts

Back
Top