Hiring a girlfriend

ITellYouHhwut said:

constant stranger said:

I draw your attention to a different scenario:  You actually believe you're "OK" and your demeanor in society reflects that confidence....hence you yourself have initiated a momentum in a positive direction.
In contrast to believing you're an undesirable freak and initiating a negative, self-fulfilling type direction.

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I’ve tried this ad nauseam. I have! It has never mattered one bit. It drives me up the wall that people always insist that the problem is always my attitude or my perception. It can never be that I actually am the freak I purport to be.

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The whole human race are a bunch of freaks though. The amount of ridiculous opinions people have... The quirks people have... 

Some people are just generally better than others socially. Often times people have weird quirks behind closed doors even if they are good socially. The world of humans is too over-complicated and people also tend to make it even more complicated in their own heads. Really though it can be made very simple when you break it down and make yourself realize nothing matters and reduce your anxiety wherever you go and whatever you do. 

I think what constant stranger said about having the perspective that you are actually ok is good. I don't mean ok as in "normal" but ok as in different, yourself in your own unique way. Just like most others do who seem normal, they are sometimes even a complete weirdo, but you wouldn't really know unless you sat down and had a proper talk.

I'm pretty weird and totally see myself as an outcast, I'm also pretty undesirable physically, but I try to use these weird things about my personality as positives and consider them almost a bit of a joke about myself, turn those weird things into something you could joke about. I mainly try to improve on how I come across socially based on my attitude, I'm honest so I like to try and show that in conversation and be very honest, try to reduce anxiety, be involved with different interests helps with conversation, improving on my dress sense etc some nice clothes, just generally trying to improve here and there, giving myself the best look I can physically and truest me that I can socially.

Obviously I believe that everyone should give life a try. You can’t know whether or not you’ll succeed unless you try. My belief, however, is that at some point when you start to get older and you’ve continued to fail despite proactively trying to address your problems, you then have to give yourself an honest evaluation. You have to ask the question - “if these were the primal days, would I still be alive?” I believe the answer to this question holds the truth of whether or not your life is worth anything. I believe that if you consistently have issues that prevent you from doing/accomplishing the basics, then you should be gone as nature intended. You’re life is telling you something. Unfortunately, virtually everyone has this mentality that somehow “every life is precious”, “anyone can do anything they set their mind to”, and “you must keep fighting and keep trying”. I think this is completely wrong. I think people like me need to recognize our unchangeable inferiority, and get out. Of course, you can’t kill people or force them to kill themselves, but you can at least encourage them to refrain from procreation. I think that’s at least what I should do, but who knows. One thing is for sure to me at this point, success is off the table. I know this to be true. It’s palpable. I can feel it.

You're successfully growing several acres of CBD hemp, right? Making some good money at it, right? OK, make a niche for yourself starting with that area of success.....invent some life for yourself in your own image. It's a pretty good place to start a life journey from.

constant stranger said:

You're successfully growing several acres of CBD hemp, right?  Making some good money at it, right?  OK, make a niche for yourself starting with that area of success.....invent some life for yourself in your own image.  It's a pretty good place to start a life journey from.

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I just started doing it this year, yes. Most indications suggest that the money will be steep (a fortune to put it bluntly). This is why I’ve tossed around the notion of “hiring” a girlfriend, or perhaps potentially a wife. I think it’s my only shot. I don’t really know though. Like I just explained, I truly honestly believe that I have no place in this world.

Quietude said:

ITellYouHhwut said:

It’s a valid idea, but admittedly probably tough to put off in the real world.

It’s tough to see past my own emotions when trying to identify my true problems with attracting women, and all the other stuff related to it. People tell you to stop whining, man up, and “improve yourself”, but I don’t think they take the time to recognize the difficulties guys like me face that just get stacked up over the years. It breaks you down. It takes its toll. Trust me when I say I honestly don’t want to whine or be a loser. I truly wish I could have confidence and believe in myself, but I have to say that there honestly isn’t a drop of confidence in me. I don’t think I’ve ever heard a single word of encouragement or validation in my life. I try to fish for it sometimes, but it never comes. I have no basis whatsoever for any sort of confidence. I really just don’t know what to do. It just all seems doomed.

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There are certainly other people out there who also have problems when it comes to this subject. I also never ever got any encouragement or validation from family or peers for anything in my life. Anything that I have done that someone commented positively on, seemed insincere to me also. "Improve yourself" is right though, but it's obviously just not that simple in the slightest. It can take years depending on how deep down the mental rabbit hole you are.

I'm trying to fix myself and have many many different problems that have built up over the span of about a decade. I'm still fixing myself and almost there, I think maybe 2-3 years i'll be properly stable. So far it has taken about 5-6 years fixing myself.

Really have a sit down and think what are those things about yourself that you legitimately are better than most at. You don't have to be some prodigy at anything, just some of the things that make you, that you are definitely better at than the average Joe. Then exaggerate the ***k out of those positives and use them as a bit of a boost to fix the negatives. Be your own man and ignore other people too, we only live once so may as well just try and go for it, try and get the things that you want out of life.

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It's interesting - to me to read the words "fix myself" and working at it for 5 - 6 years.  I spent 10 years fixing myself, I called it "personal reform" and man was I a mess.  I finally reached a place where I realized things I had been working on, were working.  And what a feeling that was to feel in control after spending a life feeling frustrated. (frustrated = no control over anything).

I reformed everything, used resources from interesting places - and learned a life saying "when someone wants help bad enough, they'll find it, sometimes in unusual places."  Writing about my personal reform would make for a book - but I changed myself, and in the process learned alot about other people believe it or not, and behavior patterns in general.  I would be interested in reading some of what you did, compare some notes.  Not many people in our society want to take that kind of time, it means facing some things that we might not be comfortable facing.  

One thing is clear, from the other side....while you will "fix" alot of things, some things are not fixable, and it's the hard wiring that is left after the fixable, is fixed.  At that point, it's not frustrating once you realize there are parts of you that are things that make you you, and that's easier to accept.

Idk. I don’t understand anything really. Seems the more I take initiative and the harder I try, the further away it gets, and the more impossible it becomes. What seems to come fairly natural to virtually everyone else seems impossible for me. What everyone else seems to just snap their fingers and obtain, I can’t even seem to even locate in the first place. I’ve never understood how everyone else just finds partners/relationships just like that. It just boggles my mind. When I try to ask people for advice or support they just look at me with their mouth agape like a deer in headlights. I guess I’ll never succeed. It just doesn’t seem it was meant for me.

This is something I wanted to do - buy a guy or just find a guy who shared my platonic view. I even considered doing a website l like Match for it. And I am really shocked at how little options there are out there for such things. But, this is what I discovered.

1. The idea of having a website like this is dangerous for immigration concerns. I did find a page on facebook and it was littered with people trying to do fake marriages for immigration purposes. You just know that would happen even if people weren't upfront about their motives or wanted marriage.

2. I do believe a lot of people secretly do get into regular relationships with people with this idea in mind. Not sure how they choose each other but many friends do not seem in love with their mates, they seem entirely happy with another person agreeing to work together with them for life. It is super easy for them to find someone as they typically will just basically take anyone. Just walk up to anyone and say, hey, you want to go on a date? They think nothing of it and they seem to have good luck, never finding a crazy person.

I am a loner and basically don't have the time or energy to care for another human. So for me, love match relationships probably aren't going to work out. Just too much mess and energy to be put into them. I just want to go to the boyfriend store and pick one out like a tv.

ITellYouHhwut said:

Idk. I don’t understand anything really. Seems the more I take initiative and the harder I try, the further away it gets, and the more impossible it becomes. What seems to come fairly natural to virtually everyone else seems impossible for me. What everyone else seems to just snap their fingers and obtain, I can’t even seem to even locate in the first place. I’ve never understood how everyone else just finds partners/relationships just like that. It just boggles my mind. When I try to ask people for advice or support they just look at me with their mouth agape like a deer in headlights. I guess I’ll never succeed. It just doesn’t seem it was meant for me.

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Nah you are not alone in that at all, I'm in my 30's and never been in a relationship. It boggled my mind for a while how everyone I know seems to find someone. The thing is everyone is looking, the people who are acceptable socially, have interest in things etc... the people who basically conform to everything generally, are usually the ones who find people. Or they have confidence or/and talent in something and use that to actively find someone.

Most of my friends have partners and it is blatant that it is just because they are active socially, they are stable, independant and have at least a bit of confidence in themselves.

EmilyFoxSeaton said:

This is something I wanted to do - buy a guy or just find a guy who shared my platonic view. I even considered doing a website l like Match for it.  And I am really shocked at how little options there are out there for such things. But, this is what I discovered.

1.  The idea of having a website like this is dangerous for immigration concerns. I did find a page on facebook and it was littered with people trying to do fake marriages for immigration purposes. You just know that would happen even if people weren't upfront about their motives or wanted marriage.

2. I do believe a lot of people secretly do get into regular relationships with people with this idea in mind. Not sure how they choose each other but many friends do not seem in love with their mates, they seem entirely happy with another person agreeing to work together with them for life. It is super easy for them to find someone as they typically will just basically take anyone. Just walk up to anyone and say, hey, you want to go on a date? They think nothing of it and they seem to have good luck, never finding a crazy person.

I am a loner and basically don't have the time or energy to care for another human. So for me, love match relationships probably aren't going to work out.  Just too much mess and energy to be put into them.  I just want to go to the boyfriend store and pick one out like a tv.

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Interesting how you say some people seem to not be in love with their partners. I do think this is actually very common and likely why so many get divorced. There are tons of people out there in relationships who could probably find someone better for them, someone they could really love, but they stick with their relationship anyway.

To be fair when it comes to finding someone right though, it is something probably very difficult, unless you know yourself extremely well. People are just trying to find a companion, and of course some get into relationships for reasons like sex too, though anyone with any sense wouldn't get in a serious one just for that. (I can guarantee a lot of people do though which is sad!)

I don't think you should have to have energy to care for another human as you put it. This I'm sure is not what you mean but just as a rant I really dislike how some people treat relationships. Some people seem to expect a partner to entertain them, and if they don't, they cause arguments and maybe even break it off. This is just never going to create a healthy balanced relationship. It should be two people doing their own things, two individuals, but two individuals living life and experiencing things together... not expecting the other to entertain them.

Plenty of people view relationships as an exchange or the other person in terms of 'criteria', but the person they're pairing up with still has to be desirable in some way or another. That's not the OP's situation, according to him.

I disagree with what someone said earlier about experience as well, the experience from being in a relationship in which both parties want in will never be replicated through paying someone. That goes for paying someone to role play as a friend as well. It’s nothing alike and isn't likely to help him with the real thing.

EmilyFoxSeaton said:

This is something I wanted to do - buy a guy or just find a guy who shared my platonic view. I even considered doing a website l like Match for it.  And I am really shocked at how little options there are out there for such things. But, this is what I discovered.

1.  The idea of having a website like this is dangerous for immigration concerns. I did find a page on facebook and it was littered with people trying to do fake marriages for immigration purposes. You just know that would happen even if people weren't upfront about their motives or wanted marriage.

2. I do believe a lot of people secretly do get into regular relationships with people with this idea in mind. Not sure how they choose each other but many friends do not seem in love with their mates, they seem entirely happy with another person agreeing to work together with them for life. It is super easy for them to find someone as they typically will just basically take anyone. Just walk up to anyone and say, hey, you want to go on a date? They think nothing of it and they seem to have good luck, never finding a crazy person.

I am a loner and basically don't have the time or energy to care for another human. So for me, love match relationships probably aren't going to work out.  Just too much mess and energy to be put into them.  I just want to go to the boyfriend store and pick one out like a tv.

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Love match relationships probably aren't  going to ever work out for me either.  But it would be good to have a partner in the house and on the property, someone brainy and interesting to discuss the world situations with, to escort one another to events....maybe someone with an interest in some form of a self reliant lifestyle in these uncertain times.

EmilyFoxSeaton said:

I just want to go to the boyfriend store and pick one out like a tv.

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If there was a boyfriend store, I might just put myself on consignment.

ITellYouHhwut said:

EmilyFoxSeaton said:

I just want to go to the boyfriend store and pick one out like a tv.

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If there was a boyfriend store, I might just put myself on consignment.

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Ha!  ha!  ha!  I'd be standing in line to submit my application.....

Hmmm I do not think this would solve any of your problems. I mean it would just create more problems. What would you really get out of this??? The fact that your can tell people that you have a girlfriend??? That could hinder a real relationship with someone else you meet while in the arrangement. Looking further down the road it may deeply hurt your finances. Which in case if that happens, The hired girlfriend will leave you because you can not hold up your end of the deal and then BOOM!!! you are now lacking in two main areas of life. Financial and Relationships. You claim that you feel this is your only shot and although I can not change how you feel, I can tell you the truth and that truth is You ALWAYS have a shot. So instead of creating a problem in the future, recognize that you are capable of finding a girlfriend, You just have to put yourself out there one step at a time, and more importantly keep working on yourself during the journey. I fell in love on accident, yet I was hopeless for a long time but I decided to not complain about it anymore and focus on myself and it just happened. This is just my two cents on the situation at least you do you and I wish you the best. Also I love your username lol

"I don’t think I’ve ever heard a single word of encouragement or validation in my life. I try to fish for it sometimes, but it never comes. I have no basis whatsoever for any sort of confidence. I really just don’t know what to do. It just all seems doomed."

It sounds like you need a best friend, not a girlfriend. Take it from me: last year I had a romance, because by coincidence I bumped into someone who thought I was very attractive. That romance didn't last and I regret ever going along with it. All the emotions I felt were a complete waste of time because I will likely never see that person again. But now I have a BFFL (met this person about 2 months ago) and it's pretty great. We accept each other's flaws, understand each other's mental health issues, and give encouragement and validation to each other constantly. Please don't go searching for a romance if you have never done a romance before and you have no confidence in yourself. When your girlfriend leaves you for someone who does have confidence, you'll feel even worse than you do now. Don't you know a bunch of people from your work? Surely people gave you support and encouragement as you made a name for yourself in the cannabis industry? Think about it. Maybe someone you already know could begin to give you support and encouragement in your personal life as well as in your business.

I can't find the quote right now but you also said you've done a lot of self-improvement work and could write a book.
DUDE.
WRITE THE BOOK!
People love self-help books, writing will take your mind off your loneliness, you can self-publish online, who knows, you might get fan mail. I would be self-publishing too if I didn't have a condition that scrambles my thoughts and stops me from writing anything longer than a paragraph. Very frustrating; especially because I love to write.

I went to a get-together this past Sunday night at my friend’s house. It was probably about 8-10 people, mostly folks from my friend’s church. We had dinner and sat around the fire pit drinking some whiskey. Well, there were two conversations going on at the same time. One of them was about one of the guests and the divorce he is going through. I was not involved in that conversation. I was conversing with my friend and a couple of the other guests about flying and aviation. Well, when our conversation ended, the other folks asked me what I thought about the topic they were discussing, which was about relationships. I knew these people reasonably well, especially my friend’s wife, and they were mostly aware of my issues attracting women etc. I responded by shrugging my shoulders and going “mmm mmmm.....” (as in “I don’t know”). Anyway, long story short, the conversation, without my influence, swiftly turned into a session addressing my issues. I’m not sure if my friend and his wife have talked about me to these friends of their or what, but they all seemed to know that I had issues regarding women. Well, my friend’s wife made the statement that most of the time she’s around me, she notices that I always say self-defeating, self-deprecating things, and she thinks that this is part of my problem.

Okay well, be that as it may, I still don’t believe this is the root of my problem, because believe me, I know for a fact I don’t do that all the time. I believe the self-deprecation is redundant. By that I mean, it is not needed in order for me to be deemed undesirable by women. It is merely a booster at best. I still firmly believe that the primary driving force in human mating and natural hierarchies is evolution and genetics. People dismiss this and call it “incel talk”, but there is a whole branch of science called biology that completely explains and supports all of this. You can go get a phd in this subject. It is not just some defeatist talk, it is confirmed reality.

^The fact that you have friends - or friends of friends in this case, willing to discuss your personal life with you, including a woman is prepared to even discuss such things is major factor in your favour.

If you start spouting fatalistic evo-psych ideas you do here in front of people, then it's likely to be a major turn-off, that should be obvious. It exudes low self-esteem and can come across as an attempt to gain sympathy. Sometimes you just have to put up a front and see where it gets you...

There's an old Quebec expression in french that sums up what I think. Loosely translated, better to be alone than badly accompanied.
I don't see the benefit in creating a false event. It won't end up being overly memorable.

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ITellYouHhwut said:

EmilyFoxSeaton said:

I just want to go to the boyfriend store and pick one out like a tv.

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If there was a boyfriend store, I might just put myself on consignment.

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I'd rather pick a tv. There's no mute button on a bf or gf ;-)

Just for fun, I’d like to share my results from a personality test that I took today that was recommended by my friend. I’m not one to put much mind into these types of things, but according to this test, my personality type is INTP-T, or “Logician”. Actually kind of surprising how accurate some of it’s descriptions of me were. It said I’m the type that will drift into such deep thought that I will become detached and sometimes even become oblivious to the world around me. While that last part does not really describe me, it is true that I often daydream and ponder thoughts/ideas. In fact, one thing about me is that I often prefer sitting around thinking/dreaming about doing something than actually doing it. But the test results imply that I’m some kind of science-minded abstract thinker, which isn’t the case. 99.99% puckey if you ask me.