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SirPanda

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So I've been in this quasi relationship with someone I met on Anxiety forum.  She has issues with her appearance and feeling discriminated against for her race(Asian, American Born) and is on Disability because of it.  We met by happenstance on the anxiety forum.  And we got to know each other online for  month before meeting in real life.  Now during that month there were communication issues of misinterpretations.  She seems to have this issue with everyone not just me. 
Later we moved our communication to Google Hangouts.  Now from there she always complained about how people perceived her and complained at how ugly she was etc.  Only to then turn around and actually fat shame me.  Now I've lost some weight since then and I wasn't exactly obese but not skinny.  SHe's very petite.  But still given her own perception of herself it's absurd to turn it around on me.  We've even been intimate later in the relationship.  But over the course of 12 months we hungout and chatted for long periods online.  Nearly everyday.  And nearly every time it's contentious.  Because she has this stigmatized view of me.  She grew up in a very liberal city and has college education.  But she looks down on me for not having those things.  Stereotypes me from the city I live which is a small town, stereotyped as kind of hickish, but it's mostly a mix of White, hispanic, and East Indian.  While I consider myself moderate and libertarian she keeps insisting on this conservative slant of me.  So that's just one aspect of the contention.  While she herself isn't exactly in a position or status in life to make such judgements.  It's truly mind boggling.  I've been empathetic to her yet she doesn't fully accept me.  But at the same time she's actually admitted that she's only interacting with me because she's lonely and has no other people to talk to or hangout with.  She did hangout with one other male friend(very Platonic as she speaks ill of him too).  However our relationship has been more non-platonic.  I've tried to show her that life and relationships more than the superficial and shallow things she seems to focus on, but she won't budge.  Always insulting me with this perception that I"m overly conservative and never been there done that, non-bougie, less educated.  It's very childish in my opinion.  But my own loneliness makes me stick with her and empathize with her anxiety driven issues.  I giving her a huge benefit of the doubt and trying to show her what a good person is and the shallow superficial things she harps on aren't what's important.
She has also expressed how little overlap we have in interests and certain beliefs.  But the fact that I've been hanging out and doing many activities with her that would be construed as more cultured, educated doesn't seem to matter to her.  And I'm not doing them just to appease her.  The activities we've done I'm genuinely interested in as well.  
Now I admit since she's the first gal I've tried to have a relationship with I am very inexperienced so I've made some mistakes.  And few occasions I've definitely let my emotions get the better of me.  So while I've grown in this past 12 months + she hasn't.  She literally repeats the same rote issues she has with herself and of me.  Her therapists don't seem to help her.
I don't know what else I should do.  This is toxic.  I recognize it.  But both our desperate loneliness is making us stick together.
 
LostintheBardo said:
She sounds like a professional victim in all honesty.

Yeah that's kind of an understatement.  She perceives everyone as treating her horribly, by customer service people, her family.  She has countless Yelp, site jabber etc reviews mostly negative regarding her experience.  While I've witnessed a few things against her myself, I feel most of it is her misinterpreting the situation.
 
“But both our desperate loneliness is making us stick together.”
I have to say, having a person that acts that badly towards you doesn’t seem as a good thing at all but I do get that the loneliness is making it hard to dump her. I think I would look at it very... hmm.. cold. Is she bringing any good stuff to the table? Are you getting more good than bad? 
You say that you have tried to show her that it’s more to life than superficial things. I think you have to assume that she is going to stay the way she is now. Hoping for her to change into a better person, I don’t think that’s realistic at all.   
You seem nice. ❤️ Keep looking for some other nice one to bring you up rather than down.
 
MissBehave said:
“But both our desperate loneliness is making us stick together.”
I have to say, having a person that acts that badly towards you doesn’t seem as a good thing at all but I do get that the loneliness is making it hard to dump her. I think I would look at it very... hmm.. cold. Is she bringing any good stuff to the table? Are you getting more good than bad? 
You say that you have tried to show her that it’s more to life than superficial things. I think you have to assume that she is going to stay the way she is now. Hoping for her to change into a better person, I don’t think that’s realistic at all.   
You seem nice. ❤️ Keep looking for some other nice one to bring you up rather than down.

"Is she bringing any good..."

I tried to lie to myself and think she did, but over time as much as I wanted to deny it, no she doesn't.  She constantly demeans me and she's not shy about it.  The caveat is she only seems to have the nerve to be blunt when we're chatting online.  When we've hung out in person she's not so confident in her ridicule of me.  Honestly if you saw some of our conversations any reasonable person would think we're nuts or I'm nuts for sticking it out as long as I have.  Even my brother and friend at work who's seen some of what she's said to me are wondering why I'm sticking around.

I haven't hung out with her since New Years.  She's wanted me to come, but I just can't bring myself to go over to her anymore because of all the toxic things she's done to me.  

For fairness I haven't been a saint in this, but 99% of my negative has been mostly reactive and defensiveness to her.  One of her other acquaintances I got in touch with that was also a platonic male friend of hers he cut her off for the same reasons.  He had his own anxiety to deal with and hers made his worse.  

For a long time we've done this childish back and forth of arguing and apologizing.  But she won't apologize and acknowledge specifically what she did just a generic I'm sorry.

Her former acquaintance and I have both come to similar conclusions that she's very narcissistic.  In fact when I introduced myself to him we both were almost in lock step agreement, practically finishing each others sentences in our experience with her.

I've been sad and depressed over what I know ultimately I need to cut this relationship off or reduce it to just a very casual online chat buddy.  Because she definitely doesn't seem to see what's wrong just her own narrative which I haven't fully disclosed here and how it affects the people she calls friends.
 
Talking to others that know her, about her, isn’t helping anyone. 
Tell her how you feel or just cut her loose. 
Easier said than done though. For me it’s hard to spot that behavior because I tend to suck it up and take it. Blame myself I guess. 

I hope it works out for you. ❤️
 
MissBehave said:
Talking to others that know her, about her, isn’t helping anyone. 
Tell her how you feel or just cut her loose. 
Easier said than done though. For me it’s hard to spot that behavior because I tend to suck it up and take it. Blame myself I guess. 

I hope it works out for you. ❤️

Oh no I've talked to her plenty about it.  She insists she's right.  Her perspective, her narrative.  She doesn't accept my explanation at all.  This is part of the contention.  That's part of the reason I even reached out to someone that knew her so I could reassess my own sanity.  

Thanks for chiming in though.  Yeah this has been a learning experience for sure.  I'm just sad she doesn't seem to be learning.
 
PandaSwag said:
MissBehave said:
Talking to others that know her, about her, isn’t helping anyone. 
Tell her how you feel or just cut her loose. 
Easier said than done though. For me it’s hard to spot that behavior because I tend to suck it up and take it. Blame myself I guess. 

I hope it works out for you. ❤️

Oh no I've talked to her plenty about it.  She insists she's right.  Her perspective, her narrative.  She doesn't accept my explanation at all.  This is part of the contention.  That's part of the reason I even reached out to someone that knew her so I could reassess my own sanity.  

Thanks for chiming in though.  Yeah this has been a learning experience for sure.  I'm just sad she doesn't seem to be learning.

Weird how things get twisted, or how blind it’s possible to be.
Clarity tends to elude me. 😂
 
Sometimes people like that change once you cease all interactions with them. Considering that you already tried to get through to her, that's the best course of action I can offer from here onward. I don't mean they will change immediately either...god knows how long it might take. Weeks, months, years. Maybe forever. But there's a point where you have to realize for yourself that nothing you do or say will be sufficient for them.

She may have anxiety issues and may have also experienced discrimination here and there - that doesn't make her a good person though. Just like you may have made some mistakes. That does not make you a bad person or the bad person in this relationship though. Try to let it go and invest your time and energy otherwise. Talk to other people, do some of those activities on your own (hopefully they are still enjoyable then). And resist the temptation even if you are desperate. Good luck and take care.
 
Even if things were to change could you really imagine spending your life with this person? The complaints about racism seem more about wanting to be part of a group that does that to others.
 
As soon as she find a more attractive guy that gives her attention she will drop you. Accept it and stay with her till it happens or start to detach now
 
asounds like toxicity to me. Deseperately lonely or not, you know you deserve better than that. The need to be treated decently should outweigh being disparaged constantly, IMO.
I'd move on to something else. I'd personally prefer being by myself than that. If she comes back knocking, let her know her attitude got in the way of something longer lasting. Might give her something to reflect on.
 
Unix said:
As soon as she find a more attractive guy that gives her attention she will drop you. Accept it and stay with her till it happens or start to detach now

Oh I know.  I've seen her do this to 2 other people she called her friends.  After she met me she told me she mostly stopped hanging with her other platonic friend she had.  And she speaks of one them in the most nonchalant way that a friend would not do.  Her behavior is so counter to how I define what a friendship to be.  How she spoke of and treated those other 2 were just some of the red flags with this person.
Kind of like how I've heard people that are on dates evaluate ones character based on how they treat the wait staff.
How she treated and spoke ill of those 2 she called friends tells me a great deal of her character.  That she really doesn't know the meaning of what a friend is supposed to be.  She used them for her own narcissistic needs stemming from her anxiety issues.  I saw this type of thought process when she was active on the SocialAnxietySupport forum.  She would accuse nearly everyone of attacking her.  Some of which were only critical responses to things she said.  But she took it so personal as if they were deliberately doing it.
She's self absorbed in a way that if she posted a question on the forum or responded to someone elses thread and if no one acknowledged what she said she thinks it's almost some personal slight against her.  That they chose to do this because somehow they saw all these negatives about her that she rotely repeats about herself.  
In the beginning of this relationship with her and I.  I was naive and inexperienced and I only knew of things based on observing others.  But being in it is very much different.  Processing how to handle this relationship has been one of the most eye opening and emotionally taxing experiences I've had since my teenage years.
 
That's a very bad situation. I'm sorry for you that you do not have anyone else. It feels good to have someone to talk with, I know.

You could keep her as "Gf" till you find someone else. Sometime is just better to have someone. People that say that is better to be alone that with someone that isn't really the right fit sometimes are right, but they have no idea of what being truly alone looks like
 
Unix said:
That's a very bad situation. I'm sorry for you that you do not have anyone else. It feels good to have someone to talk with, I know.

You could keep her as "Gf" till you find someone else. Sometime is just better to have someone. People that say that is better to be alone that with someone that isn't really the right fit sometimes are right, but they have no idea of what being truly alone looks like

You know it's the strangest thing.  In the beginning I was able to convince myself and look the other way that what she was saying to me about me wasn't really what she thought and that she's projecting her insecurities.  But these past 14 months  I've replayed some of the things she's said to me in my mind and each day I become more resentful and disgusted at it.  It's funny.  You hear all these self esteem cliches and you never really think of them too deeply until it happens to you.  And it's not as black and white as those self esteem slogans want to make it.
Well we weren't officially dating per se.  So GF she wasn't.  I don't know we were this in between limbo thing forever.  And now I've just grown tired of the crap.  Her mental health is far more damaged than I realized in the beginning.  And only she can fix it and I don't see her realizing how to get over those hurdles.  I don't know how she's so trapped in that mindset.
 
" But these past 14 months I've replayed some of the things she's said to me in my mind and each day I become more resentful and disgusted at it."

Everything's easier with the benefit of hindsight. Sadly there's plenty of desperate lonely guys out there willing to put up with someone like her, so she's unlikely to change.

It is better to be alone, but it takes a few instructive experiences. And I think it's easier to reconcile yourself to it afterward, whether the experience is good or bad. In a way she's given you a valuable lesson; you'll recognize this behaviour straight away.
 
Hello!
If your relationship is a toxic one then consider getting out of it. If she isn't willing to change or work on the relationship it won't work out. It's better that you know this now and not after you are married. That's the purpose of dating. If you are both willing to work on it, though, it can work out! Have you considered meeting with a pastor?
 
AbandonD4Purpose said:
Hello!
If your relationship is a toxic one then consider getting out of it. If she isn't willing to change or work on the relationship it won't work out. It's better that you know this now and not after you are married. That's the purpose of dating. If you are both willing to work on it, though, it can work out! Have you considered meeting with a pastor?

Pastor?  Why?  This relationship wasn't really officially dating.  We weren't BF/GF.  Mostly for the reasons I mentioned.  It was this hybrid platonic/non-platonic thing.  And honestly I think it's mostly petered out at this point.  We don't really talk online much anymore and as I mentioned I haven't been back to her city since new years.  It's hanging by a thread.  I've personally in my mind consider it on it's death bed(the relationship).  She only clings on because she's desperately lonely and doesn't have any other friends.  And the ones she did call friends she's told me she cannot tolerate them.
 
Panda
I read your first post.
I didn't get a good impression of the girl/woman you met. She reminds me of some of the superficial, status conscious women Ive met in the past. They haven't really suffered yet. Until they suffer, they don't know what they really need or want in life. They are fickle and change their minds like the wind.
Sounds like you are ready for a more mature women. Was the girl woman you dated very cute? That is sometimes the problem. we are attracted to cuties who dont suit us emotionally or rationally for that matter.
If I were you Id be moving on and looking for something or someone more stable.
 
humourless said:
Panda
I read your first post.
I didn't get a good impression of the girl/woman you met. She reminds me of some of the superficial, status conscious women Ive met in the past. They haven't really suffered yet. Until they suffer, they don't know what they really need or want in life. They are fickle and change their minds like the wind.
Sounds like you are ready for a more mature women. Was the girl woman you dated very cute? That is sometimes the problem. we are attracted to cuties who dont suit us emotionally or rationally for that matter.
If I were you Id be moving on and looking for something or someone more stable.

well, I thought she was cute, but she seemed to give me odd explanation of how she sees herself.  She said to me she didn't think she was ugly, but that others thought she was ugly and stereotyped asian female fresh off the boat despite her being born in America and is very much American.  She has a very complex thing that would be difficult to explain.  Combination of her family up bringing, the city she grew up in and her personal values and interests all play a part in the narrative she kept saying to me for her situation.  I have explained my perception.  To no avail.  She just keeps thinking her point of view is the only right one.  

I agree Humourless.  I have tried to interact with her less and I"ve not visited her city since new years as I mentioned.  She's got a very personal family issue going right now so we'll see if that helps with her perspective, but for me I've told her everything I can say and it's really in her hands to make any amends.  Otherwise I'm more and more slowly moving away from it.
 

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