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Is_There_More

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I've posted a few times on here about my situation. Well, i just got into a fight with my wonderful mother. For those who don't know we lost our apt and are living with her. Well, I have made sure food was in the house since we moved in. She flips out because i said im done buying things we don't use like trash bags and stuff. The first box I bought, then was asked to buy another box. Which mind you i don't mind helping out but, we don't even go through that much trash and we have a trash upstairs. I don't come out of the spare room unless i have to and she bitches about having to clean her house. If i spent time downstairs id help. But I do not. If I make a mess I clean it up, If i use a dish i wash it. But, Im not cleaning up after my 55 year old mother and her animals. I literally feel like im going crazy living here. She eats all my fiances ham for his work lunchs, I bought 3 loaves of bread and its almost all gone. I got my daughter bananas and she feeds them to her bird.  As i said I don't mind helping i appreciate us being able to stay here. But, We said we would pay any bills that would go up like Electric. Because, thats something we do use daily. Were arn't allowed to shower everyday, get bitched at if we do our laundry  more than once a week. Like, I CANNOT STAND LIVING HERE. its literal hell. There cannot be more than 2 dishes in the sink or she has a complete melt down. She complains that she never has money but yet shes always smoking weed. She spends soooo much money on weed it isn't funny, then bitches at us because we buy are ciggerettes instead of rolling them. We work hard for our money. She sits on disability. When she infact could work if she wanted to. I mean she Hikes atleast 2-3 times a week? How can you not work then? i just don't get it. Im done dealing with it. Were trying to save money to get out of here, but she treats us like a **** bank. Ive had it.  And how Can you complain about cleaning your own house when we are NEVER downstairs? She sits there and watches the news all day im not watching that. So i stay in my room unless I shower or bath my child. Now on the other hand my little girl goes down to hangout with her gram, but that is it. She was in a motorcycle accident about 9 years ago and it messed her head up pretty bad. Like, I don't know how she isn't legally insane. Ive been dealing with abuse from her since I was a child. So I already have ALOT of resentment towards her.  But, this is just adding to everything. you're supposed to be helping us get on our feet not using us as a bank.  We buy her paper towels when we dont even use them. We buy her whole milk even though we dont drink it. I use maybe a drop of her creamer a day and still have to buy the creamer every single week. We are not financially stable right now and I still have bills even though we live here. I pay 220 a month on my car payments but i have to pay atleast 110 every other week. my insurance is about 300 a month. We just had to throw a bunch of money into my car so that it runs. I have to run my fiance to work everyday which his job is about a half hour away and pick him back up. That takes gas money. We spent 200 on the move and storage shed to store my stuff. We have been here MAYBE 3 weeks. Once we  get everything situated then itd be fine. But, we can only do so much since im laid off atm and waiting to start my other job. So its only my fiance working and his paychecks have been terrible. like 250 a week. his check was about 300 and something this week. We had to pay 110 to my car payment which is behind, 40 to my cell phone, Gas in the car, Our ciggerettes and my daughter needed pullups. We have 60 to last us the week now. it takes about 10 a day to drive him back and forth. Thats about 50 dollars a week just in gas. I don't know how were ever going to get out of here. Im sorry for all the rambling and anyone who actually read this. I just needed to release before my head explodes.
 
It sounds like an impossible level of tension. I've been reading your posts, you're in a tough spot but keep your focus on getting through this dark part of your journey and whatever else you do, don't make things worse. You've come a long way already and there's a better life ahead of you.
 
Im going to say something very tough. You might call it tough love. If you dont like it leave.
 
humourless said:
Im going to say something very tough. You might call it tough love. If you dont like it leave.

Tough Love is one thing. Being used as a bank and cleaning up mess's I don't make isnt tough love? I have put well over 100 dollars worth of food in the house, I make sure our living space is clean. I have gotten things that we all use and need. But, im also trying to save up money to get my own place.  If she wouldn't spend what she does on weed she would have the extra money. Please tell me how being used is tough love exactly? its not like im living here for free. We pay bills and we pay for food? We do our own laundry, keep our living space clean upstairs. I Dont go downstairs and will not clean up a mess I did not make. It would be different if I actually went downstairs at all besides to shower. Like how is it tough love to not be allowed to even shower everyday? Or do our own laundry?
 
I would guess that he is calling his comment "tough love", not your difficult and trying living situation.
 
Your story is a tough read Is_There_More, so I sympathize with your having to live through it.  When I was young and poor, I too lived in other people's houses more than once and had to cope with the inconveniences.  But, I never had such a difficult host as in your case. So, your frustrations are warranted, and I'm sure you already know the eventual solution is to move out.  But, financial situations can often force us into a bad place or situation.  While saving for the escape plan is essential, coping with the present situation as smoothly as possible is also necessary.  To that end, I offer my own two suggestions.

You've detailed how you clean up after yourself, take responsibility for the areas and things you use, and pay for more than your fair share of the household food and products.  OK, so that should be enough to satisfy your mother, but apparently it's not.  Or, maybe it is, but she just dislikes or disrespects you so much that she'd be bitching about things no matter how much you did around the house or bought to supply it.  In either case, you need to acknowledge the intrusion on your mother's house as something that's problematic for her.  Since you're causing the situation by your need for her house space, I think you need to step up and be better than her.  In other words, you need to humble yourself and try to appease her in order to make the situation more agreeable for all parties.  Now this may not sound fair, but that's not the point.  The point is whether you can improve the temporary situation by doing more for your mother while you're there. Consider it a test of your ability to demonstrate unconditional love for her - respect, honor, and kindness even if not deserved.  Let her hold onto her pride, anger, and unreasonableness, and let you be the one to set the example of what kind of a person you are - the kind of loving person God made you to be.  I understand her being high much of the time worsens things, but you should realize that acts of servitude are acts of love that even she may recognize and respond to.
  
In your financial situation, I wouldn't suggest contributing more than your fair share of added household expenses.  But, maybe you could give more of your time by doing far more than your fair share of the housework.  In fact, if she's providing you with free rent, I'd not only jump in and clean the whole house, preferably while she's not there to see you do it, but I'd also look for any extra project that might be done around the house.  It seems possible, if not likely, that such extra efforts could only improve the current situation.  And in the end, it might even change your mom's permanent attitude towards you.  Is that not worth you letting go of all pride and all sense of perceived fairness in order to inject some peace (and possibly love) into the situation and relationship? There's a perspective for you to ponder.

My second suggestion may seem just as difficult for you, but it's equally simple and  even more important in the long run.  While you may feel like this is the most troubling time of your life, it's likely that you'll continue to face constant problems throughout the rest of life - like most of us do.  How do you manage your problems?  Are you trying to do it alone?  I can't imagine making it that way myself since we obviously weren't created to do so.  Despite being chastised recently for injecting a religious solution into a problem like this, I'd suggest that doing so is exactly what you need right now - not to solve your many problems, but to help you understand and get through them. Here's a half hour sermon (about problems) that you should watch.  That's a small investment of your time for such a significant aspect of life that we all struggle with.



Hope this gives you some helpful guidance and encouragement through your struggles.
 

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