Friend Paradox

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Guzheng

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Has anyone else ever noticed this paradox?  In high school, college, or even at work?

The people who seem really intelligent, on top of their game, and would probably be good influences never have time to hang out.  They respond to your messages but you get busy shortly after they do and you never create more than a surface level connection with these people.

The people who seem less intelligent and are always whining about some problem or other ALWAYS have plenty of time to sit down with you and ask for your help and advice.  They don't seem focused on their goals and have a variety of bad habits that they never seem to be able to kick.  I'm a good listener and I've started to fear that this second type of person will cling to me (one individual is already doing that) while all the others that I want to hang out with, who fall into the first category, will drift away (as nearly all of them have over the years), leaving me in a lose-lose situation where I either hang out with people who influence me for the worse or avoid socializing with anyone at all.

When you think of people who influenced you for the better, how do you keep yourself focused on those people and not the less helpful ones that are constantly vying for your time and attention?
 
You might put me in your second category. The ones who are a burden instead of a blessing. Im going to bore you with a Christian perspective. Help those who need help. he aint heavy he's your brother. Or sister for that matter. if they whine too much, tell them politely. "don't you think you are being too negative?" or be even direct.."you need to stop whining". They might wake up.
You might have the potential not to need even those you admire now. Your first group. Maybe you put them on too high a pedestal. gain your own confidence. and you wont yearn for their company.
 
I definitely have a friend paradox, but it's very different from yours.

If I truly like someone, I'll be awkward and uncomfortable around them - and then they'll think I'm cold, boring, weird, etc. - and they don't want to be my friend.

However, if I truly find someone unappealing (and there's very few people I find unappealing) - then I'll be comfortable, relaxed, and my real self around them - and they'll see me, correctly, as fun, desirable, cool, and normal.

I don't know if I'm getting this across clearly. But this is my painful friend paradox. It goes for relationships/dating, too. It's a vicious circle of sorts that never ends. So I'll forever be alone, friendless and without an SO.
 
QuietDesperation said:
However, if I truly find someone unappealing (and there's very few people I find unappealing) - then I'll be comfortable, relaxed, and my real self around them - and they'll see me, correctly, as fun, desirable, cool, and normal.

Same here, I'm more relaxed around the people I don’t feel much affinity with simply because I don't care as much.
 
OP sounds very status conscious. Most of us here would probably fall into their second category.
 
Nobody comes to me, either for help or whatever... (People consider me intelligent though... Which I seriously question with myself, because if I really were, I wouldn't be in my situation... alone, without enough income to have a life of my own, my place, travel, buy more expensive things I would like to...)

There is, I guess... well there was, a few years ago, one person in my life like this you say, in a way, that didn't feel so interesting to me. She was a good friend, then, even though. I still have contact with her, and she is, perhaps, the closest I have of a true friend, but we have so little in common... I try to be accessible to her, but less and less she has any interest in my friendship, and I admit, I'm not so much interested in hers, I guess, except for the ..friendly warmth. But we have lives too distant from each other (including geographically... this is a big town...)

What I mean is, I understand having people less interesting in life.

I guess I don't understand having interesting people in life... There's no one really around me that interests me... (Now that I think about it...) I guess I'm too much interested in myself... Maybe that's ultimately why I am alone after all...

What interests you in these people you say are intereting to you?
 

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