That wasn't long..

Yeah.. I'm already back after only two weeks of my account deletion. So, I don't know if a "welcome back" is in order. I figured I'd at least let my presence be known.

I'm not doing so well lately. I've become so self destructive that I've burned every bridge that I have and quit my job. Why am I back? It's simple. I'm desperate, pathetic, and too much of a coward to go through with my original plan of killing myself and just making people think I ghosted them. Felt like the right thing to do at the time as I was already just making everyone else's life around me more miserable with my constant down spiral... Now, I'm just so **** lost that I don't know what to do anymore... And I'm too **** stubborn or headstrong to let my family know, see a therapist, or accept support.

I'm not going to run back to the very small select few I know who legitimately care about me because I'm only going to make them hurt or things even worse than they already are. I'm just rattling every **** cage that I know out of disappointment or in order to alleviate any hurt I may create while like this... Besides, I'm the attention seeking boy who cried wolf now.

So, yeah, I guess the cat is out of the bag now and my recent diary post/departure was bullshit. Now what?

I'm new in the forum, so, maybe I'm fresh to hear about your troubles...

Not to commit suicide is not cowardice. It's, in a way, respect for life, deep down. You are alive, and your body probably wouldn't like you to interfere with it.

If you need to talk, send a message, or let me know of what you post. I'm in a bad period too. And signed up to this forum for lack of people around me on whom I feel I can count.

Oh, and a therapist might be a good idea, maybe. It does take time though, for it to make sense. But it's a way to at least look for some sort of cure (therapy, in Greek).

Hey

Sorry that things are really difficult for you.

GustavusMacer said:

I'm new in the forum, so, maybe I'm fresh to hear about your troubles...

Not to commit suicide is not cowardice. It's, in a way, respect for life, deep down. You are alive, and your body probably wouldn't like you to interfere with it.

If you need to talk, send a message, or let me know of what you post. I'm in a bad period too. And signed up to this forum for lack of people around me on whom I feel I can count.

Oh, and a therapist might be a good idea, maybe. It does take time though, for it to make sense. But it's a way to at least look for some sort of cure (therapy, in Greek).

Click to expand...

Hello, GustavusMacer.

My troubles aren't entirely far or different from others, especially people on here. I greatly appreciate the kind words. I'm not very kind to my body so I don't expect it to be kind back so wouldn't be surprised if it wants an exit too lmao. Joking.

I'm an INFJ whom is very internalized and I realize most of my problems are within. I'm not saying it doesn't work for others, but therapists just aren't my thing. All I see is a paycheck and vague answers to deep questions that only make you look at yourself in different lights in the end. In my opinion, It's pointless and a waste of money for someone like me. I do that on a daily basis already, for free lol. (really really not trying to sound conceded here, just honest with myself lol) That and my social anxiety forbids it from even happening to begin with. The very idea of a bad therapist analyzing me wrongly or mistakenly is like a worst fear of mine. Their obscured view of me or potentially wrong diagnosis might actually cause me to go insane if that makes any sense. Been there before after dating a Sociopath in the past. Never want to go there again.... Almost nearly died from it. (not exaggerating)

I just think I need to find the right group of people to slowly heal with and be more patient. I've already ruined my chances with those I know I could have healed with over time. I'm too ashamed of myself and feel like them seeing the darkest side of me can't be erased now.

I know I'm going to be a hypocrite when I say, I want to offer the very same that you have. I'm around too if you'd like a listening ear.

@Natasha, thank you for the cute hug picture.

Really hope things have been less difficult for you lately. *hugs back*

And a small update. I am doing better. Thank you. I just hope I don't get another wave soon that sends me back down into that hole again. I'm trying to enjoy my time above ground while I can.

I only had women therapists... They are a little bit like the friends (or ears) I don't have... Some sort of imaginary friend you go see every week, who doesn't speak much, but is there for you, in a way. It also fulfills (a little bit) the lack of a woman in my life... Women are graces... (A therapist cannot ever become a muse though... Although I did fall for one of them once...) Therapy, (psycho)analysis is what you make of it. If you make bad things, I guess it will be bad... I don't know. I approach it with a heart of taking what's good from it. (And not expecting much... So it does surprise me sometimes... lol)

Friendship is a different thing, and I guess, in a way, even though we'll probably never see each other, and never be actually friends, that's somehow what we seek here. So, hypocrite or not, I'm glad you offered your ear... It shows a will or openess to friendship, and it is appreciated. I'm glad for this forum. People are more like human beings here... Troubled, honest with themselves...