Unfairly judged on forums due to subject matter, bad writing, and lack of relating?

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QuietDesperation said:
This is what I experience with every forum/site I've been on - condescending remarks, singled out for weird treatment, and avoidance by others. I keep looking at the post histories of users who have been dismissive, overtly or not, towards me - and they're usually nice and respectful to others. So there's definitely a singling out of weird/unkind treatment towards me on every site I've been on - whether old school forums like this one, or all the new stuff. 

There's a lot of passive-aggressiveness towards me, too. Usually, people are ok when I've had a few posts - but the more I post, the more I get this ungainly "reputation" - like they see my username and quickly judge, and look down on anything I post, no matter how decent, insightful, or honest it might be. 

This forum is very unusual in some ways - including the inability for us to delete posts, and for mods to refuse to delete our posts or threads. Another thing I haven't been able to find on this site is the ability to block or ignore people. The only reason I'd want to block/ignore anyone if they've been dismissive, hurtful, weird, avoidant, or passive-aggressive towards me. 

As much as I keep having hope that it would be helpful to post online - it always quickly turns into a painful exercise in futility - I get emotional agony, insomnia, etc . - the weirdness/rudeness of users just repeat in my head again and again - the way it is when people are hurtful/nasty to me IRL. For some reason, both my physical self, and my online persona, are bully magnets - not childish schoolyard bullying, but something more subtle are hard for others to notice - the way adults subtly bully other adults. 

I know very well from other sites how mods can show favoritism towards some people, and rudeness/unfairness towards others. 

As I am IRL - I'm shockingly degraded, under-appreciated, and underrated. I mean, I'm not really all that bad, but I do seem to be judged to an extreme IRL - and that trickles down to what I write/post about online. 

I know my writing can often be dense, awkward, and hard to absorb - so that's partly why I get such a bad rap online, where ever I post. People get on a short fuse when writing is awkward or hard to read - and they skim over the post without really reading it. And bad writing is often confusing, and people misunderstand, or they don't remember what I post. Bad writing is partly why posting online has been such a useless and painful effort for me. Please do not judge bad writing - that's like judging a book by its cover. 

It's also like how I get judged IRL, in the most extreme and shocking ways, for looking extremely ugly - especially my resting face. I get such horrific treatment IRL because I have such an ugly, hateable, mannish, grotesque face - which is made worse by my anxiety around most people, and my hated, stereotyped ethnicity. 

English is my native language - though people assume I "no speak Engrish" when they see me in person. I am indeed a voracious reader in English, and I've always taken writing very seriously. I used to be a consistently good writer - I aced my many social sciences/humanities classes in college, and teachers said they were "blown away" by my papers. But I've really psyched myself out over the years, and my writing has usually disintegrated into awkward and hard to absorb. 

I have anxiety, social anxiety, and OCD-like traits. So I jinx or psych myself out very easily, in many ways. This psyching out makes me unable to live my life. I can't interact IRL because I'm mistreated/excluded due to my ugly face, etc. So I'm left with ranting online, but I haven't been getting that to work over the years, either. 

I keep starting new blogs on various platforms, but no one reads them - partly due to unreadability, and partly because the stuff I write about is nothing they've ever heard of before - they can't relate. So I always quit writing in blogs after several posts, and then I'll eventually start another blog because I have a need to rant somewhere that isn't served by posting on forums or other sites. 

I've asked the admin to delete my account, though I just changed my mind. I'm sure I'll ask for it to be deleted again in the near future, though.

This may or may not be what you want to hear but I will say it in hopes it helps and it's not taken wrongly. None of the following is intended to be judgemental or condescending. I'm sure everything you feel, been through, and think is very real. Not doubting that for a second. I will also try my best to refrain from making any comparisons. You are your own person, I am my own. However, it's just how I express myself sometimes so forgive me. Everything I am going to say is from personal experience and I want indulge as I can relate on my own level to you and hope maybe my view might do something. And again, this disclaimer is purely here to alleviate your mind. Nothing more, and I very much acknowledge you.

If this only makes matters worse, I apologize in advance. Never my intention. I'm just trying my best to approach this as lightly as I can. I wouldn't even be bothering if I didn't give a honeysuckle nor am I here for boast points. I don't know how else I can approach this without potentially being seen wrongly in the process in defense. Now that I've over explained myself like a jackass.... lol :p

This is all exactly my point. There's always two very real point of views to each conversation and text alone doesn't do it justice. We fill in gaps, some are true some aren't. If only telepathy existed, it would solve all our problems.

Here's one thing that may be missing that can change this entire thing. You could be entirely wrong and it's all your mind playing tricks on itself because of what you've been through and continue to go through. Give that option a strong deducing and deep thought just as much as any other internal struggle. Because sometimes we get so lost we forget how to do that anymore and I know how difficult or impossible that can be when you're too far hurt.

Otherwise, you're in fact pushing people away with your own thinking. And again, I hope you don't see this as condescending. No one's truth or experiences are suddenly null because it doesn't align with someone else's. It's substantial.

Just... you can't close yourself off from people if you're making them feel like they're not good enough either. And sometimes have to let the smaller things go. Otherwise things are being seen wrongly continuously.

I also suffer from severe social anxieties, bursts of repeated things that rubbed me the wrong way in head that never ever stop. Embarrassment, exclusion, resentment, jealousy, you name it... Overthinking myself to death and causing insomnia and restless nights from it. The biggest cause is usually cynical thinking that only ends up in lashing out for being taken for granted or feeling like your self worth greatly outweighs your invisibility and that life is unfair to you. It's like you ego boost yourself in order to stay sane from being excluded from the world. It's how you cope. Unless you learn or even practice the idea of fighting it, you will just keep staying on that path of thinking. The possibility that you are wrong about what people are intentionally saying or thinking is still a very real possibility. Mind readers don't exist and no single person on this planet can say with certainty that their deducing is 100% accurate. You can't...

Just try your absolute best no matter how hard you're hurting to be fair to others, but most importantly, yourself. Anyone can see someone wrongly. Including me and I am just entirely and utterly wrong about you and wasting my time here. Except, it's not 'wasting' to me personally, especially if it's going to help someone.

The painful truth is, sometimes people don't know how to handle someone in your situation and I mean that with respect because I've been in a version of your shoes before. It leaves little to no room in allowing help. So why is anyone going to talk to someone whom they can't even contribute to. It does not mean you're an outcast or wrong. It just means, you're in a situation that only you can crawl out of.

Don't outcast yourself from everyone in your own head because then it will only amplify who you are right now. Do you want to stay in your situation or get out of it? Whatever may become of this reply, I just hope it's not seen wrongly and you truly find whatever help you need. If I'm deemed a two-faced ******* with some sort of ego for saying all this. Then, so be it. In the end, I painfully know exactly who I am.
 
Sounds like you're projecting your feelings about yourself onto everyone else to be honest.
 
Mm.
That’s the feeling I get too. 
I hope you manage to reach for something better soon QuietDesperation.
 
People that you think are avoiding you may only be avoiding putting their thoughts out in the open out of a similar fear of being judged. Not specifically by you, but when we post on a forum anyone can see and respond. Or maybe they just don't think they have anything all that helpful to add? I doubt any of us wants to say something that ends up making a situation worse.

I thought your writing, at least in this post, was pretty good to be honest.
 
Everything you said, OP, was a very eloquent description of the exact same things I go through. You even shined a light on underlying problems and thoughts I’ve got which didn’t even fully understand. I found your post very eye-opening.

I have the exact same problem you described with being treated differently than others, judged differently, etc... I’ve also always felt underrated, under-appreciated, and overlooked, despite perceiving myself to be above average, or at least average. That is actually one of the worst and most crushing and confusing problems in my life, and always has been. When I look in the mirror, I don’t see a bad-looking man who should have any trouble finding a date or friends, but the way I’m treated by others you would think I’m remarkably unattractive, strange, quirky, and unpleasant.

One thing that gets me is that there are things which I know I’m **** good at, like playing guitar for example. In terms of skill/talent, I’m actually a pro-level guitar player, and perhaps even world-class. But it’s funny that people just don’t seem to respond to it, yet they’ll flip out over some dipshit who is nowhere near on my level. I could sit there and play Van Halen’s “Eruption” better than Eddie Van Halen himself, and people would just sit there like “meh... that was cool I guess.” But some other joe-blow moron could do 1/4 as good a job, and everyone would just melt over it, and scream how “awesome” it was.

People seem to not care about my feelings, and seem to not worry about saying rude, impolite, judgmental things to my face in regular conversation. Yet, I’ve seen the same people treat others with respect, kindness, and courtesy in the same sitting right in front of me. Most people seem to not extend the same benefit of doubt to me that they do others. People will say things to me like “I was thinking you probably never had a girlfriend.” But to someone else, even if the person is uglier/weirder than me, they will assume the best of him, and say more positive and kind things to him.

This has caused me to believe that I am indeed ugly, weird, and terminally unlikable/undesirable, and that my previous belief otherwise was due to a flawed perception of reality. I figure, it’s everyone else on planet earth’s perception against mine, I must be the insane one. So I now believe that I’m no more than an ugly, undesirable piece of honeysuckle. I now actively self-deprecate so as to not have to hear others voice their disagreements with me if I say something positive about myself. The world clearly has repudiated me, therefore I will see that it never gets me.
 
The good thing of one song of Michel Jackson is shouting, "they DON'T really care about us.."

When I'm granted to use this borrowed Android, i type as I know English and certainly regret THIS machine MESSED bunches of thoughts but, If I were on Twitter  I will witness the things you've mentioned, the bragging about, the HATE cast as insults and spells.

If you THEM poder, you loose your OWN power. Be sobber and If you had to break noses, please, don't break mine first.


Like i said: "If you THEM poder"

I typed CORRECTLY, "[size=xx-large]If you gave THEM power..."[/size]

[size=xx-large]But this borrowed machine isn't mine to sort THAT problem off. [/size]

[size=xx-large]I won't feel like this 😞[/size]
 
Oh, I'm sorry for you telling your truth:

This has caused me to believe that I am indeed ugly, weird, and terminally unlikable/undesirable, and that my previous belief otherwise was due to a flawed perception of reality."

You play your OWN way, don't give up, please, don't be surrendered to lies. 

Keep on being strong as your guitar.
 

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