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QuietDesperation
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QuietDesperation said:This is what I experience with every forum/site I've been on - condescending remarks, singled out for weird treatment, and avoidance by others. I keep looking at the post histories of users who have been dismissive, overtly or not, towards me - and they're usually nice and respectful to others. So there's definitely a singling out of weird/unkind treatment towards me on every site I've been on - whether old school forums like this one, or all the new stuff.
There's a lot of passive-aggressiveness towards me, too. Usually, people are ok when I've had a few posts - but the more I post, the more I get this ungainly "reputation" - like they see my username and quickly judge, and look down on anything I post, no matter how decent, insightful, or honest it might be.
This forum is very unusual in some ways - including the inability for us to delete posts, and for mods to refuse to delete our posts or threads. Another thing I haven't been able to find on this site is the ability to block or ignore people. The only reason I'd want to block/ignore anyone if they've been dismissive, hurtful, weird, avoidant, or passive-aggressive towards me.
As much as I keep having hope that it would be helpful to post online - it always quickly turns into a painful exercise in futility - I get emotional agony, insomnia, etc . - the weirdness/rudeness of users just repeat in my head again and again - the way it is when people are hurtful/nasty to me IRL. For some reason, both my physical self, and my online persona, are bully magnets - not childish schoolyard bullying, but something more subtle are hard for others to notice - the way adults subtly bully other adults.
I know very well from other sites how mods can show favoritism towards some people, and rudeness/unfairness towards others.
As I am IRL - I'm shockingly degraded, under-appreciated, and underrated. I mean, I'm not really all that bad, but I do seem to be judged to an extreme IRL - and that trickles down to what I write/post about online.
I know my writing can often be dense, awkward, and hard to absorb - so that's partly why I get such a bad rap online, where ever I post. People get on a short fuse when writing is awkward or hard to read - and they skim over the post without really reading it. And bad writing is often confusing, and people misunderstand, or they don't remember what I post. Bad writing is partly why posting online has been such a useless and painful effort for me. Please do not judge bad writing - that's like judging a book by its cover.
It's also like how I get judged IRL, in the most extreme and shocking ways, for looking extremely ugly - especially my resting face. I get such horrific treatment IRL because I have such an ugly, hateable, mannish, grotesque face - which is made worse by my anxiety around most people, and my hated, stereotyped ethnicity.
English is my native language - though people assume I "no speak Engrish" when they see me in person. I am indeed a voracious reader in English, and I've always taken writing very seriously. I used to be a consistently good writer - I aced my many social sciences/humanities classes in college, and teachers said they were "blown away" by my papers. But I've really psyched myself out over the years, and my writing has usually disintegrated into awkward and hard to absorb.
I have anxiety, social anxiety, and OCD-like traits. So I jinx or psych myself out very easily, in many ways. This psyching out makes me unable to live my life. I can't interact IRL because I'm mistreated/excluded due to my ugly face, etc. So I'm left with ranting online, but I haven't been getting that to work over the years, either.
I keep starting new blogs on various platforms, but no one reads them - partly due to unreadability, and partly because the stuff I write about is nothing they've ever heard of before - they can't relate. So I always quit writing in blogs after several posts, and then I'll eventually start another blog because I have a need to rant somewhere that isn't served by posting on forums or other sites.
I've asked the admin to delete my account, though I just changed my mind. I'm sure I'll ask for it to be deleted again in the near future, though.
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