Omnipotent Soul
Well-known member
As stated in the title, I am absolutely terrified of ending up alone. However, I feel as though that will be the case. So, from a young age I was socially awkward. I haven't had many people who I considered my friends. And every one of them, every single one, has betrayed me in one way or another. Whether that be telling my secrets to other people, blatantly lying to my face, or just cutting me off completely. I feel as though I can't ever make a real friend. And I am so lonely, it hurts so much and I have recently started having panic attacks again.
So, it started in little school, I befriended a young boy, the same age as me, and I liked him. Another boy come up to us and for whatever reason turned me against my friend. I can't quite remember what happened or why, but I spent next 10 years bullying him, and he was probably the only true friend I ever had. This new boy was a year younger than me, he was my best friend at the time and we had 4 others (all a year younger than me), who used to follow us around and such. I think they were just scared of me though and didn't really like me. I told my best friend a secret, which he later shouted to the entire school. It was of my feelings for a girl, which made me feel very embarrassed at the time. I hung out with him until the end of little school where we split up as he was a year younger, but I never trusted him again.
As I went up to high school, I made a new friend. A friend I trusted my life with. A friend who would later lie to my face and not even care about it. Throughout high school there were three others who I called my friends, I was rather mean to them sometimes and so I can understand if they didn't really like me that much. I was still very immature by the time I left high school at 15, and so it is understandable if they didn't like me much. My best friend at this point was like me though, so I felt like we were good friends. He later lied straight to my face, and even disclosed the lie days later while talking with someone else (while I was standing next to him). I never trusted him again and after school we quickly lost touch. Which perhaps was a good thing as it let me mature and grow as a person.
I went to college, and made a new friend. Just one. We spent a lot of time together, and we go along well. We stayed for a second year, which is where the problems arose. It was all fine, until another guy befriended us, it was alright, everything was going swimmingly, until one day, I turn up for college and I try to speak with them, they both tell me "Shut up and go away". Okay, once is a joke, right? Well I tried speaking with them several times throughout the morning (at least 10) and got the same response every time. At lunch time, I did exactly that. I walked off alone, they followed me and saw me crying, they said t was just a joke. One time is a joke. 10 times is beyond a joke. I didn't speak with them all that much after that.
After I left college I did nothing. All I have done for the past 5 years is sit in my room. Surprisingly I haven't really gained that much weight. But after all this, I meet someone else (or rather, my brother got a girlfriend) who then befriended me. I go to meet her family, who are all nice. They make me feel comfortable, and welcomed. We do things together, I stay at their house. Over the last few months that I've known everyone, they helped me become a slightly better person, to believe in myself a little more, and gave me a little bit of confidence and hope (which I have none of and haven't had in a very long time). Today, they gave me a bs excuse and cut me out of their lives. I can't understand why.
I should note that while at college I matured a lot, perhaps I'm still very immature in certain ways, but overall I think I am much more mature than most in my generation. I don't drink alcohol, I don't smoke tobacco, I don't use drugs of any kind. I have no interests in anything. The only thing I like to do is spend time with others. I am a people pleaser, I will actively try to please others and I would consider myself one of the nicest people in the world. (Yes, I understand that people who say that they are nice can sometimes not be nice at all, and that it is because they have a twisted sense of reality) I always put others before myself, and I am very generous. I would move Heaven and Earth, walk through Hell and back, and sacrifice myself for a friend in need.
I realize I've left a lot of information out, but if you want to know any more, just ask and I shall answer. I am seeking advice on what I should do next, how I can cope with the pain of knowing I do not have any friends, and due to my trust issues, I probably never will. I am a coward, and always have been, which is the only reason why I'm alive today, because I didn't have the guts to do it. But I know, that won't save me forever. Eventually the pain will be too great, and I will commit suicide. I am 23 years of age right now and I have no clue what to do.
So, it started in little school, I befriended a young boy, the same age as me, and I liked him. Another boy come up to us and for whatever reason turned me against my friend. I can't quite remember what happened or why, but I spent next 10 years bullying him, and he was probably the only true friend I ever had. This new boy was a year younger than me, he was my best friend at the time and we had 4 others (all a year younger than me), who used to follow us around and such. I think they were just scared of me though and didn't really like me. I told my best friend a secret, which he later shouted to the entire school. It was of my feelings for a girl, which made me feel very embarrassed at the time. I hung out with him until the end of little school where we split up as he was a year younger, but I never trusted him again.
As I went up to high school, I made a new friend. A friend I trusted my life with. A friend who would later lie to my face and not even care about it. Throughout high school there were three others who I called my friends, I was rather mean to them sometimes and so I can understand if they didn't really like me that much. I was still very immature by the time I left high school at 15, and so it is understandable if they didn't like me much. My best friend at this point was like me though, so I felt like we were good friends. He later lied straight to my face, and even disclosed the lie days later while talking with someone else (while I was standing next to him). I never trusted him again and after school we quickly lost touch. Which perhaps was a good thing as it let me mature and grow as a person.
I went to college, and made a new friend. Just one. We spent a lot of time together, and we go along well. We stayed for a second year, which is where the problems arose. It was all fine, until another guy befriended us, it was alright, everything was going swimmingly, until one day, I turn up for college and I try to speak with them, they both tell me "Shut up and go away". Okay, once is a joke, right? Well I tried speaking with them several times throughout the morning (at least 10) and got the same response every time. At lunch time, I did exactly that. I walked off alone, they followed me and saw me crying, they said t was just a joke. One time is a joke. 10 times is beyond a joke. I didn't speak with them all that much after that.
After I left college I did nothing. All I have done for the past 5 years is sit in my room. Surprisingly I haven't really gained that much weight. But after all this, I meet someone else (or rather, my brother got a girlfriend) who then befriended me. I go to meet her family, who are all nice. They make me feel comfortable, and welcomed. We do things together, I stay at their house. Over the last few months that I've known everyone, they helped me become a slightly better person, to believe in myself a little more, and gave me a little bit of confidence and hope (which I have none of and haven't had in a very long time). Today, they gave me a bs excuse and cut me out of their lives. I can't understand why.
I should note that while at college I matured a lot, perhaps I'm still very immature in certain ways, but overall I think I am much more mature than most in my generation. I don't drink alcohol, I don't smoke tobacco, I don't use drugs of any kind. I have no interests in anything. The only thing I like to do is spend time with others. I am a people pleaser, I will actively try to please others and I would consider myself one of the nicest people in the world. (Yes, I understand that people who say that they are nice can sometimes not be nice at all, and that it is because they have a twisted sense of reality) I always put others before myself, and I am very generous. I would move Heaven and Earth, walk through Hell and back, and sacrifice myself for a friend in need.
I realize I've left a lot of information out, but if you want to know any more, just ask and I shall answer. I am seeking advice on what I should do next, how I can cope with the pain of knowing I do not have any friends, and due to my trust issues, I probably never will. I am a coward, and always have been, which is the only reason why I'm alive today, because I didn't have the guts to do it. But I know, that won't save me forever. Eventually the pain will be too great, and I will commit suicide. I am 23 years of age right now and I have no clue what to do.