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QuietDesperation2.0

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I'm venting, maybe looking for support, maybe some people who can vaguely relate - but instead, as usual, I'm getting nasty, hurtful responses. And they barely read what I wrote, in this thread and others, and seemed to have missed all the important and main points. 

Also, the bottom line is that I struggle to an extreme in life - probably much more than they do - in my everyday life. 

I probably won't delete my account immediately, but eventually, after a short break.
 
LOL I'm going to be an ******* (partially), but you have a **** list!

and yes, I also made a list but about myself; because I think we have a problem there: If you're looking for an archetype instead of actually discovering someone, you are gonna have a bad time. Because mostly, people have no clue of what they want. I see a very detailed and honestly annoyingly specific set of traits you seem perfectly fine worth having, like if "it's not much". And yet, you don't seem interested in justifying any of those preferences with what you can offer in return. You had responses in dating apps, that's miles away from what many men get in years, are "used" to slim guys? So, I'm guessing you have dated (?), if so, how is that forever alone? Why would any guy with those traits be at your reach? what would they get of out it? Do you see the level of magnitude some people have to what you consider suffering? You can find a guy, it's just that he just happens to be in the "chubby, not quite interesting or progressive" side of the dating pool. Lower your standards for god sake.
Here's my list:
- She must be alive.
- Between 18 and 38.
- Not crazy or monumentally unlikeable.
 
If you haven't dated before, you will not understand. You, too, would not want to date an elephant woman.

If a woman were interested in you, and you found her seriously unappealing - you'd reject her, too.

And I explained, in great detail, in this thread and others - that I have severe anxiety around guys I like - and that makes me off-putting, even uglier, and undesirable to them. And I'm comfortable, with no anxiety, around guys I DON'T like - so the "real" me comes out, and they like me, and they're attracted. But no matter how much I try, I cannot get myself to like them.

Try being in my situation. It's unbearable having to settle with someone you truly dislike in all ways.

If an obese, hideous, dumb, boring, lowbrow girl was into you - would you like her back? Would you be willing to date her? I'd say, definitely not.

I don't think I have much standards - I just want someone I'm COMFORTABLE with. The reason I have the list is because I've been on dates, in the past, with guys who were the opposite of what I'm naturally drawn to - and that was unbearable for me. I'm from an elitist, snooty, educated area, so everything about my area is who I am - I just want a guy who's roughly the equivalent of me - it's unbearable settling for someone who's offensive to me in all ways.

It's extremely painful if the only people who see my real, good self are the ones I dislike - they see my non-anxious self, which is better-looking and likeable. In contrast, the guys I like - I'm anxious and uncomfortable around them, so I seem uglier and more undesirable to them, and they want nothing to do with me.

The other girl I talked with who has this problem finds it unbearable, too.

My suffering is very extreme - emotional agony, insomnia, etc. - for many complicated reasons - not limited to not being able to find a guy where the attraction is MUTUAL. If you look through all my posts, including from my previous username, QuietDesperation (without the 2.0) - then you'd understand me and my various unbearable difficulties more.

I have to stress that I know you, and all other guys, have more stringent standards than what you've listed. You surely do not want an obese, dumb, troll with a hideous face.

I knew of a heavyset guy, a Forever Alone, who said he won't date fat girls - even though he's fat himself.

So people all have preferences. You probably just don't know them yet, or you refused to post them because you're trying to argue hard against me.

Men are just as picky as women, if not more so. I wouldn't say I'm the least bit picky - it's that if someone is the opposite of what naturally appeals to me, then it's incredibly painful and ungratifying for me to spend any time, much my life with them. Can you imagine being in my shoes? Just turn into me - I'd GLADLY switch places with you.

People want to be with people that they LIKE - that they innately find APPEALING. Otherwise, it's extremely painful having to settle to the bottom, which is what I have to do - because I'm only comfortable and non-anxious around the "bottom" - I have anxiety which makes me come off undesirable around the ones I actually LIKE.

I've tried EXTREMELY hard over the years to like, and have empathy for, the only guys who see my true self - but it's extremely painful and ungratifying. Why be in a relationship if it just gives you extreme pain and suffering?

YES, I have tried dating guys that I found unappealing in all/most ways - and it was unbearable. I tried imagining my life with them, and I cannot. You'd feel the same way with women that you find unappealing in all ways.
 
You're looking for a well educated, average to above average creative/hipster type from a middle class background. Like a lot of women. Probably none of us would qualify. Good luck.

'Public Ivy League' with a grad/professional degree is a high standard. The shared political outlook thing I can understand though.
 
Xpendable said:
Here's my list:
- She must be alive.
- Between 18 and 38.
- Not crazy or monumentally unlikeable.

That's bullshit, everyone has preferences, being less desirable doesn't free you from that. You're not going to be able to date someone you can't find attractive and what would be the point.
 
@ardour No, that's not really a requirements list - I specifically stated those are the types I've responded to on dating apps. Just that. Not that I've gotten beyond that in recent years because of my face problem, in addition to the weird anxiety I suffer from.

I'm from hipster/artsy/bougie central - so naturally, the qualities I'm looking for in a guy are the traits that I have myself. Of course you'd want someone who's roughly your own equivalent, and with traits that you find appealing.

Has anyone else ever been stuck with ONLY people that you find unappealing? The complete opposite of your ideal traits, and the traits you have yourself?

As I've said before, literally EVERYONE in my area has those characteristics I've listed - they're ALL OVER the dating apps. But I'm stuck because of my face problem AND the fact I'm anxious/undesirable around the guys I like, and relaxed/desirable around the ones I don't like. So I can only settle for the ones I don't like in any way, who are the completely opposite of what's appealing to me. And in my extensive experience with them, it's been unbearable.

Seriously, would any of you want to spend any time, much less your whole life, with someone who's the complete opposite of who you are, and with traits that are very unappealing to you, whether physically or otherwise? NO.

I went to a top Public Ivy - and most people around me went to better. I'm not requiring grad/professional - but most guys I've responded to do have that. I'm from probably the most educated part of the country.

At least you understand the shared political outlook. I don't require an ultra-progressive SJW who's spouting SJW jargon with every sentence - maybe that'd be a turnoff to me. Just run of the mill liberal-leaning. Just not a Trump supporter who's wrapped up within the red bubble. That's so important not just for the politics itself, but what goes along with it. Politically liberal people tend to have similar interests, worldview, education, etc. as I do. Politically conservative people (or what they might call moderate, but I'd see it as conservative) tend to have nothing in common with me in terms of interests, worldview, education, upbringing, etc.

I've tried, but I simply cannot spend my life with someone who is completely unappealing to me in all ways.

You guys try dating a girl you find unappealing in all ways - then you'll understand.

And I'd gladly switch places with you, too, ardour. It's a horrendous life as me. Just go through my shoes, and you'll probably commit suicide in day.


ardour said:
Xpendable said:
Here's my list:
- She must be alive.
- Between 18 and 38.
- Not crazy or monumentally unlikeable.

That's bullshit, everyone has preferences, being less desirable doesn't free you from that. You're not going to be able to date someone you can't find attractive at all, and what would be the point.

Yes, I've been stuck with guys I found unattractive physically and in all other ways. There's no point in that. I've tried my darn hardest to like them and have empathy for them, for a long time - but that's only caused me great pain and suffering. Also, my family/others have disliked the unattractive, uneducated guys I've "dated," so that caused a lot of pain and stress for me, too.
 
It’s a highish standard given the fact you probably require he make a decent living on top of it (favouring STEM, not hipsters). It's not exactly broad given the combination of requirements.

"And I'd gladly switch places with you, too, ardour. It's a horrendous life as me. Just go through my shoes, and you'll probably commit suicide in day”

It's not been exactly shits and giggles for me either. Balding at 15, harassed and excluded until the last year of school, spent my young adult life friendless hiding under a hat at university… then at 22 had to find out that my father (I strongly resemble physically) was a brutal child molester and deal with all the suspicion around me because of that. Insecure, passive personality women can't tolerate. Never dated and middle aged now. You've had some ego validation from the guys you're "stuck with" whether you think it counts or not. Just about every femcel has some kind of dating history it seems.
 
ardour said:
It’s a highish standard given the fact that you probably require he make a decent living on top of it (favouring STEM, not hipsters) You have a particular type.

"And I'd gladly switch places with you, too, ardour. It's a horrendous life as me. Just go through my shoes, and you'll probably commit suicide in day”

Not been exactly shits and giggles for me either. Balding at 15, harassed and excluded school until the last year, spent my young adult life friendless hiding under a hat at university, called “gross” by women on a regular basis… then at 22 had to find out that my father (I strongly resemble physically) was a brutal child molester and deal with all the suspicion around me  because of that. Never dated. Hopelssly insecure, passive personality, all the things women can't tolerate.  You've had some ego validation from the guys you're "stuck with" whether you think it counts or not. Kind of aggravating to finally get the full story around that.

Nah, I said a bunch of times that EVERYONE in my area is like that. I live in the most highly-educated part of the US, probably. My siblings/relatives all have Ivy/Public Ivy equivalents, grad/professional degrees, and high-end jobs. It's the vibe the of my area. It's just what I'm used to. Look at the dating apps in my area - most people have the top schools and grad degrees. 

Actually, in my area, there are many affluent STEM types (techies) who are ALSO artsy and hipster. In fact, that goes hand in hand. Like I said, I'm not requiring the grad/professional school - I just said those are the types I tended to respond to. Just something ideal, but not necessary. 

Nah, I'd rather switch places with anyone. Probably even the people who supposedly dive into the sewers in India, or the Indian women who clean people's feces in those very old-fashioned latrines. 

I'm treated horrifically everyday - I get disgusted looks everywhere. I'm an extremely broken, traumatized person. I'm seen as subhuman. It's very complicated. I have ugly looks - just less ugly, and less undesirable, around the ones I dislike. 

Even if you've never dated, I'm sure you still have standards. As you said to Xpendable - you don't want to date a woman you didn't find attractive at all - what's the point? And attractiveness isn't just physical - but many other things as well.
 
I have a couple of questions and I hope I have not accidentally read over already given answers.

In the beginning you listed guys you "responded" to. Does that mean you responded to their profiles (approached them) or to messages that were sent your way from these types (you were approached)? I assumed the former because of the facial deformity you mentioned which is presented as rather obvious and would put people off. Looks as a gatekeeper and all that. Not that I have any way to judge accurately without picture evidence. My girlfriend also struggles with general unattractiveness in various facets and while I could see it objectively it was never at odds with my personal standards - i.e. I don't like layer cake make-up faces.

Personally I don't believe in dating sites and have always met people through forums and sites which were based on common interests. So I've never found myself in places where one would look specifically for a romantic partner. Having observed the situation and read many people's stories, it seems very dysfunctional and downright counterproductive for people who are average or below.

Does your anxiety also manifest in online settings or does that provide a safer platform to interact with potential partners and to present yourself accurately?

PS: Are you currently employed in the field you studied?
 
Rodent said:
I have a couple of questions and I hope I have not accidentally read over already given answers.

In the beginning you listed guys you "responded" to. Does that mean you responded to their profiles (approached them) or to messages that were sent your way from these types (you were approached)? I assumed the former because of the facial deformity you mentioned which is presented as rather obvious and would put people off. Looks as a gatekeeper and all that. Not that I have any way to judge accurately without picture evidence. My girlfriend also struggles with general unattractiveness in various facets and while I could see it objectively it was never at odds with my personal standards - i.e. I don't like layer cake make-up faces.

Personally I don't believe in dating sites and have always met people through forums and sites which were based on common interests. So I've never found myself in places where one would look specifically for a romantic partner. Having observed the situation and read many people's stories, it seems very dysfunctional and downright counterproductive for people who are average or below.

Does your anxiety also manifest in online settings or does that provide a safer platform to interact with potential partners and to present yourself accurately?


I've just gotten nasty responses from 2 users in this thread - and they've failed to thoroughly read what I've written, in my first message of this thread, and in my responses to them. And they've failed to remember what I've written previously, too. I don't blame them that much - it's complicated, and they can't remember all the details of some dumb poster they dislike so much. 

To answer your question - I've stated previously that I used to be pretty/attractive, with no disfigurement. I had a really great face. The guys I've responded to on dating apps - they were mutual swipes. Or in the older days of dating sites - they were mostly guys who messaged me. After the face problem, I've no longer been able to date via apps/sites, or get anywhere in person, e.g. at meetups. Obviously. 


And I have to emphasize a few points again, which those 2 users keep failing to pick up on:

1. I'm now ugly (wasn't before) - but I'm less ugly around guys I'm not attracted to in every way. I have severe anxiety around the ones I'm attracted to, in any ways, and that makes me come off uglier and less desirable. 

2. I live in a unique area, where EVERYONE is highly educated (often with grad degrees), affluent, artsy, creative, and hipster. Including the techies around here. I don't have high standards for my area - it's just how most people are around here, and they're most guys on dating sites/apps in my area. 

3. I don't have high standards - I myself am artsy/cultured/well-read/intellectual/liberal and went to elite schools. And I'm told I'm interesting, radiant, fun, easy to talk to, good social skills, etc. I'm aesthetic and well-dressed. So whatever I listed in "guys I've responded to on dating apps" - that's what I am. So in my list, I'm only listing guys I responded to (previously when I was pretty) because they're my equivalent - nothing more

Not many people can relate to this, but it's unbearable dating/spending a lot of time with someone that doesn't meet your needs in any way. 

4. Those 2 users failed to respond to my questions/comments on whether they'd date a Susan Boyle, if she were within their age limit - or morbidly obese women. Even though those 2 guys never dated - they have standards, too. They would also reject women they didn't find attractive at all - what's the point? To paraphrase one of them, who's kind of hypocritical, and most people are. 


I'm not looking for anyone in a romantic sense. Mostly, I'm fine with being alone, without a partner. Just felt the need to post all this because this site is so focused on having a gf/bf/significant other. 

My questions to you:
-Are you decent/good-looking? Why are you willing to date an unattractive woman who looks objectively unattractive to you? What else does she bring to the table? 

Unattractive people often have great qualities in other areas, are much nicer, and much more lenient in their tastes. But not all unattractive people necessarily bring that much to the table.
 
Lol, oh the irony of certain people posting what they are posting..... (not you, Quiet) Just put the on ignore if you don't like what they say. You'll get nowhere trying to argue with them.

I'm not really sure about your situation as I haven't read all of your posts. You said you were pretty once, but now your not. Were you in an accident that disfigured you? I'm not really sure I understand the situation. If you posted about it before, just tell me and I will search it out so you don't have to repeat yourself.

Personally, I don't feel that anyone has to be "forever alone" or whatever you want to call it. There is someone out there for everyone, it's just a matter of finding them. Sometimes they aren't open to actually meeting someone, sometimes they are too scared to take a risk, sometimes the standards are too high, there could be a million reasons and while they are understandable, it all boils down to just being excuses. I'm not trying to be mean or disrespectful, this is just my opinion.

As for your threads, you'll never get any advice, good or bad, if you keep deleting your posts. If I haven't offended you with my post, you can PM me if you'd like to talk to someone who won't judge you or tell you you are a whiny female. lol

I'd also like to add that while you may be looking for a specific type of person, you don't get to choose who you love, so maybe you could try giving other types of people a try. Worst case scenario, it doesn't work out, but maybe you'd find some new friends out of it.
 
TheRealCallie said:
Lol, oh the irony of certain people posting what they are posting.....  (not you, Quiet)  Just put the on ignore if you don't like what they say.  You'll get nowhere trying to argue with them.

I'm not really sure about your situation as I haven't read all of your posts.  You said you were pretty once, but now your not.  Were you in an accident that disfigured you?  I'm not really sure I understand the situation.  If you posted about it before, just tell me and I will search it out so you don't have to repeat yourself.  

Personally, I don't feel that anyone has to be "forever alone" or whatever you want to call it.  There is someone out there for everyone, it's just a matter of finding them.  Sometimes they aren't open to actually meeting someone, sometimes they are too scared to take a risk, sometimes the standards are too high, there could be a million reasons and while they are understandable, it all boils down to just being excuses.  I'm not trying to be mean or disrespectful, this is just my opinion.  

As for your threads, you'll never get any advice, good or bad, if you keep deleting your posts.  If  I haven't offended you with my post, you can PM me if you'd like to talk to someone who won't judge you or tell you you are a whiny female.  lol

I'd also like to add that while you may be looking for a specific type of person, you don't get to choose who you love, so maybe you could try giving other types of people a try.  Worst case scenario, it doesn't work out, but maybe you'd find some new friends out of it.

There's no block/ignore function on this site. 

I've mentioned that I used to be pretty, under my previous username, which is the same as this one, except without the 2.0. 

It wasn't an accident - it's more complicated than that. 

I "delete" my threads/posts because the responses are too nasty. You'd feel the need to delete threads/posts (well, put something in place of what you've written) if you got responses as nasty as mine, too. And they don't read the explanations I give them again and again. They don't WANT to understand - just want to argue against me and put me way down. 

I've written again and again, in this thread and others - that I've EXTENSIVELY given OTHER TYPES of guys a try - and LONG tries, too. Both before and after my face problem. I've extensively tried "dating" (not always real dating) guys who didn't appeal to me in ANY way - and it's extremely painful and difficult for me - for anyone. Can you imagine only being stuck with guys that you found off-putting in EVERY WAY? No, you can't imagine, because you haven't been in that situation. Two people's liking for each other has to be MUTUAL for anything to remotely work out - and I've never found that - because I come off off-putting around ones I like, and desirable around the ones I dislike - because I'm anxious around the ones I like, and I lack anxiety around the ones I dislike.

And of course, they don't want to remain friends - who'd want to remain friends with someone who's friend-zoned - that's very awkward. 

Have you ever had to settle for friends or potential boyfriends/dates that you detested in every way? I highly doubt it. It's not something anyone can understand unless they've been in my situation. Again, I'm explaining for the millionth time that I have severe anxiety around guys I LIKE, and that makes me off-putting to them - and I have NO ANXIETY around guys I dislike - and then I come across likeable and more desirable to them. I've stated this problem many times, in this thread and others. 

I've explained everything in this response thoroughly before, in my responses to the 2 users in this thread, as well as my other threads/posts. I keep repeating everything because no one's thoroughly reading what I've written in my responses to them, as well as what I've written before. 


The problem is that I'm actually TOO LENIENT - I keep giving them chances, when a typical person would just DROP them because they can't stand them. Most people would rather NOT HAVE FRIENDS, or not "date," if the only people interested in them are ones that they can't stand. I have too much empathy for people, and I'm too lenient.
 
QuietDesperation2.0 said:
There's no block/ignore function on this site. 

Yes, there is. Go to that persons profile and under their bio is an "add to ignore list" button
It's quite useful and hides their posts, with the option of unhiding it without removing them from the ignore list.
Good luck to you!
 
nibbysaurus said:
QuietDesperation2.0 said:
There's no block/ignore function on this site. 

Yes, there is. Go to that persons profile and under their bio is an "add to ignore list" button
It's quite useful and hides their posts, with the option of unhiding it without removing them from the ignore list.
Good luck to you!

Ok, thanks. Lots of stuff on this forum is very counterintuitive, hard to find, and different from other forums. 

I've mentioned the blocking/ignoring several times before, but no one before you said there's an actual ignore function here. 

There should be a function blocking people from seeing and responding to your posts and threads. I don't want some users to see or respond to my threads/posts at all. The ignore function only hides people's posts from my view - but they can still post, and others can see their posts.
 
Can i just say and you can put me on ignore if you desire.

In my lifetime i've only dated three women.One was beautiful, turned heads where ever you'd go.The second was really pretty .The third was i dunno just ordinary you wouldn't give her a second look in the street , geeky , and had been dumped by two guys that devastated her.All three were full of anxieties and so was i and still am unfortunately but the anxieties were one of the main attractions. Which one am i still with 30 years later yea you guessed and how she is so beautiful in my eyes(have you got all day).Just saying.
 
QuietDesperation2.0 said:
TheRealCallie said:
Lol, oh the irony of certain people posting what they are posting.....  (not you, Quiet)  Just put the on ignore if you don't like what they say.  You'll get nowhere trying to argue with them.

I'm not really sure about your situation as I haven't read all of your posts.  You said you were pretty once, but now your not.  Were you in an accident that disfigured you?  I'm not really sure I understand the situation.  If you posted about it before, just tell me and I will search it out so you don't have to repeat yourself.  

Personally, I don't feel that anyone has to be "forever alone" or whatever you want to call it.  There is someone out there for everyone, it's just a matter of finding them.  Sometimes they aren't open to actually meeting someone, sometimes they are too scared to take a risk, sometimes the standards are too high, there could be a million reasons and while they are understandable, it all boils down to just being excuses.  I'm not trying to be mean or disrespectful, this is just my opinion.  

As for your threads, you'll never get any advice, good or bad, if you keep deleting your posts.  If  I haven't offended you with my post, you can PM me if you'd like to talk to someone who won't judge you or tell you you are a whiny female.  lol

I'd also like to add that while you may be looking for a specific type of person, you don't get to choose who you love, so maybe you could try giving other types of people a try.  Worst case scenario, it doesn't work out, but maybe you'd find some new friends out of it.

There's no block/ignore function on this site. 

I've mentioned that I used to be pretty, under my previous username, which is the same as this one, except without the 2.0. 

It wasn't an accident - it's more complicated than that. 

I "delete" my threads/posts because the responses are too nasty. You'd feel the need to delete threads/posts (well, put something in place of what you've written) if you got responses as nasty as mine, too. And they don't read the explanations I give them again and again. They don't WANT to understand - just want to argue against me and put me way down. 

I've written again and again, in this thread and others - that I've EXTENSIVELY given OTHER TYPES of guys a try - and LONG tries, too. Both before and after my face problem. I've extensively tried "dating" (not always real dating) guys who didn't appeal to me in ANY way - and it's extremely painful and difficult for me - for anyone. Can you imagine only being stuck with guys that you found off-putting in EVERY WAY? No, you can't imagine, because you haven't been in that situation. Two people's liking for each other has to be MUTUAL for anything to remotely work out - and I've never found that - because I come off off-putting around ones I like, and desirable around the ones I dislike - because I'm anxious around the ones I like, and I lack anxiety around the ones I dislike.

And of course, they don't want to remain friends - who'd want to remain friends with someone who's friend-zoned - that's very awkward. 

Have you ever had to settle for friends or potential boyfriends/dates that you detested in every way? I highly doubt it. It's not something anyone can understand unless they've been in my situation. Again, I'm explaining for the millionth time that I have severe anxiety around guys I LIKE, and that makes me off-putting to them - and I have NO ANXIETY around guys I dislike - and then I come across likeable and more desirable to them. I've stated this problem many times, in this thread and others. 

I've explained everything in this response thoroughly before, in my responses to the 2 users in this thread, as well as my other threads/posts. I keep repeating everything because no one's thoroughly reading what I've written in my responses to them, as well as what I've written before. 


The problem is that I'm actually TOO LENIENT - I keep giving them chances, when a typical person would just DROP them because they can't stand them. Most people would rather NOT HAVE FRIENDS, or not "date," if the only people interested in them are ones that they can't stand. I have too much empathy for people, and I'm too lenient.

There is an ignore feature on this site.  You can access it by going to their profile and scrolling down to the bottom, it will be on the right.  Or you can go to your User CP and click Buddy/Ignore on the left side menu and add their names manually. 

Lol, have you seen how people reply to me?  I get attacked on a pretty regular basis.  So yeah, I know all about nasty replies.  However, if you let certain people bully you into deleting what you write before anyone else can read it, you'll never get advice that might help you.  You have to remember that this is a public forum and people are allowed to post what they want, even if you aren't going to like it or if they are completely off base.  Some people will ignore most of what you write just so they can try to make you look worse than you really are.   It happens to me a lot. 

I'm sorry, wait a minute?  You don't know me, so how could you possibly know what situations I have and have not been in?  That's a little presumptuous of you, don't you think?  As I said, I haven't read most of your posts because I've been gone for a while, busy with life.  You are getting defensive with me for no reason. 

Not every date will work out, sometimes a friendship from a failed date does happen.  It's not being "friend zoned" if the feeling is mutual.

And no, I don't "settle" for friends, I would rather have no friends.  And as for my dating situation, I don't date because I don't want to.  I was in an abusive relationship and it took years to find myself again (and I can assure you that I know all about anxiety) and now my priorities are for myself and my kids, not finding a guy.  I would rather work on myself than work on bringing more drama in my life and every relationship has drama, whether it's a good relationship or not.  I don't need or want that and I certainly don't have the time for that.

Honestly, my advice for you would be to be chill out a little, you seem to have a bit of a temper or at the very least little to no patience.  Stop focusing on finding a guy and start focusing on yourself.  Fix the issues you have with yourself and find a way to control the anxiety.  You clearly don't like yourself very much if you are calling yourself ugly and a femcel and forever alone and all that.  Learn how to not let what others say to you hurt you so much.  It is possible, I can assure you of that, but it's not easy.  You go from bragging about yourself to hating on yourself. 
Perhaps you could try something like Xpendable did where he listed his pros and cons.  I'm not saying to post it here, it's just for yourself.  Figure out what you can change and how to go about changing it.  Figure out what is impossible to change (I'm talking about things that are actually impossible, not just things that are hard) and find a way to accept those things. 

Life is what you make it, I truly believe that.  There are a million different ways to go about making yourself a better person, but you should do it for yourself, not for someone else, not just to get a guy or whatever.  Maybe the first couple hundred thousand don't work, but as long as there are more options, you should keep trying.

Now you can give me the benefit of the doubt and realize that I'm not trying to offend you/make you repeat yourself or you can berate me again.  The choice is yours, but I'm only trying to help.
 
TheRealCallie said:
And no, I don't "settle" for friends, I would rather have no friends. 

Yes, you're like typical people. I'm too lenient, as I've said a few times before - so I "settle" for "friends" I dislike and have 0% in common with. If only I can "rather have no friends" as most people could.

TheRealCallie said:
Not every date will work out, sometimes a friendship from a failed date does happen.  It's not being "friend zoned" if the feeling is mutual.

Never became friends with someone I've gone on an actual date with. The ones who were kind of friend-zoned were the ones I've met in non-romantic situations - they liked me, but I couldn't get myself to truly like them, no matter how hard I tried.

TheRealCallie said:
Stop focusing on finding a guy and start focusing on yourself.  

I've said in this thread and others that I'm fine without a guy. I don't deliberately look for a guy. It's been a losing battle for years. Please read my posts/threads carefully so I won't have to keep repeating myself. I already said, in THIS thread, that I'm fine without a guy/romantic partner, and I don't go out of my way to look for anyone.

TheRealCallie said:
And as for my dating situation, I don't date because I don't want to.  I was in an abusive relationship and it took years to find myself again (and I can assure you that I know all about anxiety) and now my priorities are for myself and my kids, not finding a guy.

You're in a typical situation. That's what most currently-single women are. I've never even had the chance to be in a relationship, no matter how bad it becomes, with someone I remotely liked in the first place.

TheRealCallie said:
Fix the issues you have with yourself and find a way to control the anxiety.  
A little rudely worded, as your whole comment to me has been.

I have not been able to "fix myself" or "control the anxiety," though I've tried everything you can think of for many years. It's stuck, and I'm locked into it. I'm not a typical person with anxiety - mine is very unique and extreme. I've described it many times - just go back and re-read.

You're thinking from a more typical woman with anxiety's standpoint. I'm not typical. No matter how much I describe, how thoroughly, how many times - no one's going to get it if they don't go through exactly what I go through.


Wow, that was a lot of work. Just don't reply to me anymore, and spare me the work of breaking down so much and having to describe in so much detail. I'm too exhausted to reply to everything else you've written.

And for the millionth time, EVERYONE - read carefully so I don't have to re-explain myself, when I've posted the same thing, thoroughly, so many times on this forum already.
 
What?!! You just continuously called her "typical" without knowing a **** thing about her and were utterly condescending and rude. How can you NOT see that you're a hypocrite? And sorry we are all too dumb to keep up with all your points and to have you repeat yourself. :)

You can keep repeating yourself and say many things to make anyone who isn't praising or showing anything but sympathy with you, sound mean, but anyone whose been following and has any level head will see that no one was being nasty with you in your threads. At least not intentionally. It's become apparent that you see what you want to see. You want to block or ignore people telling you what you don't want to hear not because they're mean or nasty. That is also why people ignore you over time and you think the worst of them as well. You in fact inadvertently do what you claim is being done to you just in a subtle and safe way. Until now. This thread has the spotlight on you now. Wave. :D I don't know what to say to you in order for you to realize that you're only creating your own smaller and more lonely hell.

And ya know, I really really wanted to understand and empathize where you're coming from and believe it or not I genuinely cared... but then you get easily upset with your melodramatics and dare say things like "if you were in my shoes you would commit suicide in a day". Well then, I guess your high horse is entirely too high for any of us to reach and that alone is an extremely selfish, ignorant, and insensitive statement. Congratulations for being what you hate. That's indeed being condescending in it's worst kind of form. But everyone else is mean while you're innocent right? So, you've lost a great deal of my respect now so excuse my bluntness and please, take it how you take any reply that doesn't say what you want to hear. :)

Believe it or not, I can relate to much of what you've said and I would've hoped we could have been friends but now I don't want to ironically based on the very similar feelings you have right now towards some people. I too act like a total moron around people I initially like and more likeable around people whom don't strike me initially. Keyword is initially. And my insecurities are mistaken for me trying hard to be something I'm not but really I've been mistaken for something I'm not my entire life. It's embedded in me so much that I get extreme anxiety over making any sort of reply or statement and think the worst about 'myself' because I know I don't take criticism easily either. Mostly because I believe most of it like an idiot and I let it peck at my self esteem. Where as, yours is thinking the worst of others and you don't think they have the capability of understanding you unless they are you or a clone of you.

See, with you, it's more obvious you're actually trying hard. I'll explain. Your liberal ideals actually contradict yourself with your habits and dating choices. It's to imply there is an open, equal, and fair minded thought process. Instead, I see high morals that entirely miss the point of such a political stance. They sound more far-left liberal. Whom enjoy hate speech just as much as who they hate, Trump supporters. Which is why you can't click with someone in that political stance and in fact made it a point to mention it too. That alone says a lot.

Sometimes there are band wagoners because they see the attention they get, flocking with 'those' type of people that appeal to them, ego boosts, and/or blame shifting for all their negative traits in life. Indeed no different than their opposing political party.
 
And yes, I am emotionally biased about all this  because it really upsets some people who potentially had much more substantial disadvantages, seeing anyone spread hate speech and only make their party look like something they're not. It makes it impossible for ANY progress with it's childish emotions from both sides. That is precisely why I'm a liberal whose turned moderate. Too much hate and too many people entirely missing the point of their political stances while only re-affirming their confirmation bias or boosting their own egos. It's not for the betterment of their country and fellow person, it's in fact for themselves and their unhinged, brainwashed, and misplaced emotions. Again, no **** different than what you actually hate.

You recognize and acknowledge a large part of your problems whilst practically saying you want to clone yourself yet still primary blame it on your looks. And that same logic can't apply to other people because??? And everything you've been doing here and claiming also can't apply to you because??? My last reply in another thread that I'm sure upset you (despite my over apologetic approach) was hoping that awareness would at least alleviate some of that victim mentality and spark some self-reflection. :(

Which leaves me to my own selfish conclusion; Do you want sympathy or someone to re-affirm your thoughts? Because, you clearly are not listening to people just as much, if not more, than your hypocritical and rash conclusions and accusations. I constantly see you ignore people or tell them they don't get what you're saying on here which if it were in reverse you'd be extremely upset over it.

There so many traits or imperfections that you "grow" to love or admire about someone that will cloud away the negatives you used to notice. If YOU let them. If you let even one small negative completely turn you off, that's again, on you. Accomplishments, finances, education, and one's position in life is something that should at least be heard and not initially deemed as a lesser person. Unless of course, you constantly feel you deserve better or you're hiding the fact that you're judging people whom don't have the same advantages (again, opposite of liberal). Or lastly, you care about how it will make you look. Then, you're your own problem. Not your looks. Not saying to lower your standards but compromise and understand that you're far from perfect too. Not keep boasting about yourself and then say that it has to be your looks. Being humble is a huge attracting trait in itself. Boasting is actually an ugly trait.


You can continuously repeat yourself and point out the things you want in bold, but don't get upset when you're doing the same to others or assuming they are because they aren't replying to you with extreme precision. Either way, it's abundantly clear we are not going to see eye to eye but I can't just let you continuously continue your own self made cycle and play the same broken vinyl record that you think no one understands in almost every one of your threads with your own hypocritical underlining condescending nature.

Best of luck finding a place where you belong. Try opening your own forum and pay people to compliment, agree, and praise you in order to keep you from your own hypocritically negative thoughts. Then I'm sure you'll fit in just fine. :) /endstraightshooterrant
 
QuietDesperation2.0 said:
I've just gotten nasty responses from 2 users in this thread - and they've failed to thoroughly read what I've written, in my first message of this thread, and in my responses to them. And they've failed to remember what I've written previously, too. I don't blame them that much - it's complicated, and they can't remember all the details of some dumb poster they dislike so much. 

To answer your question - I've stated previously that I used to be pretty/attractive, with no disfigurement. I had a really great face. The guys I've responded to on dating apps - they were mutual swipes. Or in the older days of dating sites - they were mostly guys who messaged me. After the face problem, I've no longer been able to date via apps/sites, or get anywhere in person, e.g. at meetups. Obviously. 


And I have to emphasize a few points again, which those 2 users keep failing to pick up on:

1. I'm now ugly (wasn't before) - but I'm less ugly around guys I'm not attracted to in every way. I have severe anxiety around the ones I'm attracted to, in any ways, and that makes me come off uglier and less desirable. 

2. I live in a unique area, where EVERYONE is highly educated (often with grad degrees), affluent, artsy, creative, and hipster. Including the techies around here. I don't have high standards for my area - it's just how most people are around here, and they're most guys on dating sites/apps in my area. 

3. I don't have high standards - I myself am artsy/cultured/well-read/intellectual/liberal and went to elite schools. And I'm told I'm interesting, radiant, fun, easy to talk to, good social skills, etc. I'm aesthetic and well-dressed. So whatever I listed in "guys I've responded to on dating apps" - that's what I am. So in my list, I'm only listing guys I responded to (previously when I was pretty) because they're my equivalent - nothing more

Not many people can relate to this, but it's unbearable dating/spending a lot of time with someone that doesn't meet your needs in any way. 

4. Those 2 users failed to respond to my questions/comments on whether they'd date a Susan Boyle, if she were within their age limit - or morbidly obese women. Even though those 2 guys never dated - they have standards, too. They would also reject women they didn't find attractive at all - what's the point? To paraphrase one of them, who's kind of hypocritical, and most people are. 


I'm not looking for anyone in a romantic sense. Mostly, I'm fine with being alone, without a partner. Just felt the need to post all this because this site is so focused on having a gf/bf/significant other. 

My questions to you:
-Are you decent/good-looking? Why are you willing to date an unattractive woman who looks objectively unattractive to you? What else does she bring to the table? 

Unattractive people often have great qualities in other areas, are much nicer, and much more lenient in their tastes. But not all unattractive people necessarily bring that much to the table.

Thanks for responding to some of it. I have not read the posts from your previous account so I am out of the loop on statements made in other threads or those attached to deleted accounts (which are harder to track).

1. I see now. Yes, a facial disfigurement would put you in the rock-bottom tier, especially on a platform like Tinder. The fact that you were not born with it was a crucial piece of info. Personally I limit the term ugly to the purely visual domain but I understand what you mean by being "less ugly" in the eyes of guys you aren't attracted to. More personable/attractive due to no anxiety etc.

2.+3. Understood. When everyone is approximately the same social status and level of education it doesn't really matter and I'm not here to talk you out of your standards anyway. If that's what you are and what you want in return - which makes perfect sense - then you do you. Spending a lot of time with people that don't "meet your needs" sounds like torture, but I'd think a people who are outsiders/introverts can relate. Can't imagine how that could go beyond the first date in a romantic setting. I was just trying to understand if you were doing the approaching or vice versa.

4. (Don't think it's necessary for me to answer the Susan Boyle question...)


My answers to you:

I am average-looking. Some people here have seen pictures of me and can attest to that if you want more than a self-evaluation. I'm scrawny, have a huge forehead, my teeth are a bit off and the only exercise I do is riding my bike to work and walking to every other necessary place. I was told I have a good bone structure though so I can pull off my buzzcut hairstyle and. I don't put much effort into my appearance and I don't care if I'm judged for it.

Let me rephrase another part though: I can logically process why my girlfriend is seen as unattractive or below-average by the general population (and she's been bullied as a consequence).  My perception is not like that though. I still find her attractive on a physical and social level. We have lots of common interests and a similar approach to life. She's chill to be around and I value that in other people. I've been with her for almost two years now.

Did you miss my question where I asked about your anxiety in online vs. offline settings or did you not deem it worthy to answer because a). it's the same or b). you haven't found yourself in a scenario where you weren't immediately stonewalled due to your looks anyway?
 
Yeah, I can see the issue. You disregard what anyone says and read into it what you want to read into it. I can see why you have issues when you don't seem to want to tolerate anyone.

It doesn't matter what you said in every **** post or how many times you repeat yourself, you clearly want a guy because you mention it in **** near every post. So, in my opinion, you are lying to yourself, you are focused on dating and the guy thing.

I'm actually very far from "typical" people, as you like to call them. As I said before, maybe you missed in because you were so focused on repeating yourself for no reason, you don't know me or my situation, so stop assuming you know anything about my life or my situations. I was a VERY different person before and after I got out of that abusive relationship. I'm sure anyone who was around here when I first joined and is being honest will tell you that. I found myself, I fixed most of my issues and I'm a vastly different person than I was and it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and I've been through a lot in my life.

Pot meet kettle on the rude thing, honey. I'm not being rude, you choose to take it as rude, there is a difference. And I didn't say "fix YOURSELF," I said fix YOUR ISSUES, so maybe you should read a little more CAREFULLY.

No one will ever have EXACTLY the same honeysuckle you go through because no one is exactly the same.

Yeah, I have a feeling you just want someone to tell you how horrible you have it and how much worse off than anyone else you areand won't accept anything else, whether it be help or criticism.
 
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