Excited and scared

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hitch1983

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Just posting this here as a way to vent my frustration.  I already know the advice most will give and i know the solution myself. But the journey is hard and i dont have anyone to talk it thru with.  So i figured if i put in writing, i could type away the frustration at the very least.

Just starting seeing this girl.  A special girl.  More than i can have ever imagined.  I sometimes struggle to believe its true to be honest.

It all started 8 months ago.  It was December 2018.  Just after Christmas.  That week where you lose track of which day it is.  Anyway, i was swiping on Tinder.  I swiped Zuzanna.  The girl in question.  She swiped right back eventuality.  I messaged. The usual tinder drill.  We got on well, so much so, we got to stage where we felt comfortable swapping numbers.

However, there was a catch.  Zuzanna wasnt Scottish, she was a Polish girl, living in Germany visiting her family in Glasgow.  We got on pretty well and i pushed for a date before she went back home to Germany.  It didnt happen because she was only over for a short period of time and her family wanted to spend as much time with her as possible.  Which was perfectly right.

So, it ended up just being a instant message tennis match for the next few days and week ahead.  However, the realities of both of us living in different countries, meant the communication gradually came to a halt and If im honest, it was probably a bit one way on my side.  She was interested enough, but i guess she felt i was just a nice scottish guy who she probably wouldnt associate with again.

But as well as swapping numbers, we also became friends on facebook and instagram.  So whilst their wasnt a huge bite for her towards me, there was still something that made her connect with me in that way.  As she tells me, she never or very rarely adds people to her network she doesnt know.

But as expected, the communication completely dried up.  I would see her stories on instagram sometimes and be curious about her, but she never showed an interest in me again and i didnt feel like it was a good resource of time to chase her. 

Then June happened.  She came back over!  Again to visit her family in Glasgow.  I only knew this because of the instagram story.  I briefly thought about whether or not i should contact her again.  Is their any point etc. But something made me say hello.  Well my exact words, were welcome to Scotland.  Nothing more than that.  I figured if she said something back then great, but if she ignored then fair enough.

She replied. Nothing more than a simple thanks.  But it was enough to spark a conversation again and from that i discovered why she was over here again.  She was only over here to visit her family before she embarked on a cruise ship job for 6 months.  

This time the conversation was better between us, compared to December.  It was more a joint effort.  So much so, we ended up speaking on the phone for the first time.  And from there, the fire started so to speak.  We found a connection. So much so, that we agreed to have a date on her second last day in Glasgow.  

I took her too Loch Lommond and then to the kelpies.  The date went really well, never awkward, playful, kissing and cuddling and having a really good time.  Never really questioning the fact the she was leaving to live on a boat for 6 months.

We had found each other and we couldnt get enough of each other.  

So she left Glasgow to go back to Germany to finish off the final preparations before the new job.  But this time instead of the conversation and connection dying out.  It has just grew and grew.  We contact each other, at every opportunity that is available to us and beyond, both make a real effort to make each other part of our lives.  

Now, she is on the boat and even with limited chances to talk, we still make this effort.  Luckily for me.  The tour that she is on just now, covers Scotland.  So i got to see her again when the boat docked at invergordan just a week ago to this day.  Again the connection was great, it basically carried on from the phone/text/webcam conversations we had been every day since loch lommond.  

I will get 3 chances to see between August and september. When she again docks at invergordan and at Dover.

I plan to use 1 of these chances.  2 will be taken for uni and work.  But i am contemplating making an excuse to skip work and uni to see her as much as i can.  Because after the last chance in september, i wont see her again till January.

We are still communicating really well, i am just frustrated because i have found her and im scared i might lose her as time develops.

No one will know. We dont even know.  Its just hard and because it so new between us and growing into something i hope, i cant really talk to her about it yet. 

She probably doesnt know what i mean to her yet and with this new adventure on the boat, she is dealing with alot of life changes at the moment.  So i cant exactly go heavy with, where do you see this going etc.

Because i know if i push that direction. It could kill it.  So im trying to practice patience and let it unfold as it does.  But days like today, when i feel a little bit down i get frustrated.

And said i said, i have no one to talk these issues through with, which makes it harder.  Im doing ok so far, but today i just need to vent this frustration and let it out.  My passion for her is exciting but its also scary.  Because the slightest thing could just tip it in the wrong direction and end it.  and i dont want me being too heavy towards her to be that slightest thing.

mY hope for the future is that we survive the time on the boat, and she then comes to make a life in scotland in the new year.

She has a huge passion for germany, so i cannot be sure that will be the case.

From what i feel about her now, i would do anything for her and that includes following her to germany if that was a realistic option.

BUt thats not possible for me.  At least for another 3 years anyway.  I am still at uni and i need and want to complete my degree.

But you can see from my thinking how crazy i am about her, that i am even thinking these things.  This just doesnt feel like any regular girl i went on a date with.  I feel i am falling for her, if i havent already.

Its scary and exciting as the thread is titled and i am sure i will have many more days like today when my passion and frustration conflict with each other and bad days arrive.
 
Ohh.. 
This stirred up my girly lovey feels 😍
I hope it works out for you! 
If you really want to know that you have done what you can to make it work out, then skip uni and work, if those things isn’t too important. 

giphy.gif
 
Thank you.

My issue with those 2 other chances to see her. Is one is my first day at uni day of the new semester. So it will be very difficult to skip that one. and the second involves an important training course at work, which will be a benefit to my career. A course that takes time to organise and if i miss out on it then, it could be a while before i go on it again. Plus the timing of it is perfect right now, because i will do it before uni starts. Trying to complete at a another time when uni is ongoing will be tough and put alot of pressure on me.

So realistically i only have that one chance. However, i hope it will be special day. Because it will be just before her birthday. so i plan to make it as special for her as possible.

Plus to make things more frustrating for me, on these dock days. i only get 4 hours with her.
 
I don’t have any advice for you. That nervous excited feeling is the best in world. :D And that how far do I push it without breaking it feeling that comes with it?  I definitely don’t know the answer.
 
Ahh... alright. Doesn’t sound like something you should skip at all. 
Then plan B sound sweet! What do you plan on doing?
I’m really curious 🌸
 
He’s got a special girly.

I’ve got a wife that accused me of rape and I could be doing five years for.

For having a lamb lunch.

It is only a matter of time before I get banned.
 

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