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Nothing Left
#1
Hi All!

I really don't have anything left. I'm struggling to see any future for me. I just don't know what to do anymore. I literally exist and don't live. My motivation has almost depleted as I sit here on my couch, tv on in the background, contemplating what to have for lunch.

The first thing I think I need is a permanent full-time (or even part time but permanent) job. I currently work at an agency in kitchens, which although permanent, isn't permanent in one place. Also, they can give me a full weeks work and then 1 or 2 shifts the next week or none.

The week before last I had 2 shifts, last week none and this week none as yet. Life is really dragging at the moment. The monotony can be excruciating at times. There's only so much tv, playing guitar, cooking / eating, drinking cups of tea and going on Facebook you can do. I live on my own, have no friends (just the odd superficial ones on Facebook), I'm single and just have this zero contract part time job.

Company is probably a big issue for me as well. I spend 75% of my time on my own and even when I'm not alone it's nipping to the shops / supermarket and then you're not socialising, you're just not alone. I'm not even aloud pets in this flat although I've considered getting a dog (regardless) for company but there's a few issues with that - leaving it for long periods when I do have a days work, affording pet insurance and again, the fact I'm not really allowed.

You might think, well you have at least got some work but even that's wearing me down and making me ill sometimes. When I'm there I constantly make mistakes, sometimes stupid ones and you can tell people are frustrated with me. It's like I have no common sense. I seriously worry for the future. There doesn't seem to be one. I've had chances with this agency to gain full time employment I feel but due to the mistakes I make, they have second thoughts or I get someone comment on something I've done and usually there's a tension between them and I as I start feeling peed off with them for criticising. I then subsequently can go quiet due to me feeling useless at the job (not sure if that's a self-esteem issue) and mulling over their comment and feeling agitated by it. I can understand it in a way because I make a mistakes you'd only expect a teenager mistake and I'm 43 years old. I'm a bit forgetful, wonder if that's depression or anxiety or something.

I'm just sinking deeper and deeper into despair and not sure what to do now.

Thanks for reading.

I just seem to be floating through life with no real physical
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#2
Hi Friend,

Life does have these moments doesn't it? Things can seem very aimless and pointless at times, I speak from past experience. The part-time/contract etc work scene always sucks. You never quite know where you stand and it can be tricky planning anything a couple of weeks in advance. Being available at relatively short notice means not having much planned, which in itself sucks. It's a cycle you seem to have already identified.

I really think that routine and long or long-ish term planning are a key to happiness and a fulfilling lifestyle. 

The great positive in all of this is that you seem to be a very clear thinker and actually you seem to have plenty of drive otherwise you wouldn't even notice that things didn't feel right. You want some change, you want some stability, you want better interaction with people. These are all perfectly honourable things.

Try not to worry too much about past mistakes, I've found that worrying about mistakes makes me make more mistakes and it just doesn't help. To be honest, you seem a very decent kind of person and you're just doing your job and being human. It's a fact of life that humans make mistakes, nobody is perfect. In fact you'd be odd if you were perfect!

Remember deep down you're a good guy and just go from there Smile
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#3
(08-06-2019, 10:50 PM)Yeti1980 Wrote: "Try not to worry too much about past mistakes, I've found that worrying about mistakes makes me make more mistakes and it just doesn't help. To be honest, you seem a very decent kind of person and you're just doing your job and being human. It's a fact of life that humans make mistakes, nobody is perfect. In fact you'd be odd if you were perfect!"

***********************************************************************************************************

Thanks for the reply and the support.

I do try not to worry about past mistakes but they still happen. I am a bit of Frank Spencer sometimes (if you know who he is.) I think it's depression or anxiety. I seem to just have a lapse in concentration or something. Doesn't happen all the time but it does enough to affect my confidence. I've had proper butterflies going to work before now thinking of how it made me feel at the time and that it may happen again.
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#4
Yes I know who Frank Spencer is, it's a classic! Doesn't mean it applies to you though, not in the least.

There are a few ways to look at work/mistakes/nervousness.

You seem to be a bright and "thinking" type of person, someone who has a good mind and plenty of insight and ideas. Does it mean you can get every order correct or chop carrots within a certain time frame? No, it probably doesn't. Are there android-like folk who can do this stuff without hardly ever making a mistake? Yes there are, but do they have a life and/or a mind of their own? Often not.

What I've found through my working life is that those who are often best at the job are in some way sold to the work/business. There's nothing wrong with being or wanting to be professional, but you have to remember that even professionals make mistakes. Those who don't make mistakes (or claim not to) are either people with ego problems or they have no life.

Could you give an example of a mistake you've made and what you think you did wrong and how it troubles you? I'm sure we can pick it all apart and point you in the right direction of what you should be feeling about things.
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#5
Yeah I could give an example but you telling me not to feel bad about it won't stop it happening next time. Some of the things that happen too aren't exactly mistakes, well they are but they're things most people just intuitively do and I don't have that intuitiveness (called common sense) so I'm doing something the long or inefficient way and people say, "why didn't you just use such and such" or "why didn't you do it this way" and after they tell me, it's obvious but makes me want go home, feel so stupid.

I think this might be a case of "if you don't use you lose it" and spending years (which I did due to drug use) not working and learning / growing through life and thus not working has lost me brain cells and I'm slow...I wonder if there's a cognitive function test I can do to test my cognitive response or is it just s symptom of low mood / depression / anxiety?

EDIT - Sorry if I sounded ungrateful for your responses.
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#6
Sorry I've taken so long getting back to you, I've been away a few days and just catching up on all sorts of things.

The main thing here is that you're working and doing your best. If you've had trouble with drugs etc in the past then that's all the more reason to be proud of yourself for not being in that situation any more and for having the strength to get out of it in the first place. You're in a better spot than you might otherwise be.

As for those mistakes, everyone sees different ways of doing things and it doesn't mean that someone is "stupid" if someone else spots a different way of doing things. 

For what it's worth you don't seem slow or daft, you seem to write very coherently and expressively.
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#7
You are not alone. Everyone feels lonely from time to time. Busyness and Online Activity is what many people fill their life with. I find myself caught up in this too.

I have found that being part of a church helps me connect with other people. I also participate in small group discussions during the week. Both of those have been invaluable to me. It is really important to hear about God's love for me and others. That keeps me going. Some churches have job search ministries - check around.

Also - I like to volunteer and find opportunities to help others. That is a good place to find purpose.

These activities involve taking risk. You may not connect the first time with people - but keep trying. There are people out there that want to know you. It just takes awhile to find them.

Prayers for your success in connecting with others!
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#8
I do need to join some groups or something. It's getting really bad now the loneliness and monotony. Just tried looking for a job (as the agency is rubbish atm) but just looking at the list of jobs and thinking about the applications fills me dread. Thinking why can't someone just give me a job if I take me CV in rather than all this crap you have to fill in. You have to fill so much stuff like you're applying for a job as assassin just for a job stacking shelves. I'm no good at selling myself really.
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#9
Hi Broken Soul. I feel alot of what you wrote. I hope your day\week\40's get better. I like to look at funny youtoob stuff when I get to down, laughing at anything makes me feel a lil better. They say it releases endorphins or some sciencey crap. The videos of babies falling over seem to release alot of "endorphins" for me. I save the videos of old people falling over for when I'm super down. This is a pretty low energy response, but I'm new here and also give horrible advice. Take care.
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#10
@Broken_Soul,

I feel I can relate to much of what you've said at some point or another. You're very much internalized and full of dread. I hope you find distractions and hope in areas that finally lift your head up. You most definitely have this immense potential and I know it's hard to see through those clouds of darkness right now. I'm sorry not enough people see it. Hopefully that hypothetical reach that pulls you out from those covers comes sooner rather than later. Because you're going to be stuck in that loop....

Best of luck and I'm feeling for you.

@RovoR. You give fantastic advice and you clearly show that you are capable of understanding someone's pain. I wouldn't be so critical of yourself. It stemmed from an amazing place and you know distractions help in a situation where your realism takes over your moods.

Everyone in this thread are amazing. Pat yourselves on the back more. Yeah? Smile
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