Inescapable loneliness

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SilentSoul89

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I've been lonely for so long that I feel like there's no escape  :(. I'm 30, never had a relationship & always been a recluse. I'm always in my room & I've been that way since I was a kid. I go out to attend appointments & volunteering but that's about it. I don't even go downstairs unless my dinner or to make a cup of tea which I take to my room. I suffer with deep depression & low self esteem which i guess is inevitable from this secluded lifestyle. I'm not even bad looking but I'm insecure about being 5'5 & I have a big nose. I have a lot of positive qualities which is reflected in the youth volunteering I've started doing. 

I've had 3 lots of positive feedback so far after 6 sessions supporting kids in activities. I'm just so lonely & it hurts so much  :(. I've often been crying in public toilets, even in a room full of people like nightclubs. Even when I went Turkey in 2017 with 8 other people, the loneliness was still consuming me. I've just started taking Duloxitine which is my 1st anti depressant for over a year & half. Anyway I'm sure you're bored of reading these self pitying posts by now. This is a cry for help more than anythin..
 
Hello.
I don’t think I’ve seen you around here before. 😊
Sorry to hear about your troubles. 
Wanted to say welcome! I hope you’ll like it here with us. 🌸
So what have you been up to today?
 
Welcome

Sorry about ur life. Ur post is not boring!
I have  big nose as well. I'm also a recluse and 5'5. I mainly chill on the couch in the living room instead of my room. 


tenor.gif
 
Depression and isolation are a really tough double whammy that feed off each other. Too much time alone makes you feel down. Feeling down makes you want to be alone. I think people in this position can also be in a mindset that makes them feel more alone than others in the same setting, ex. No one will like me, I'm too different, etc. Not sure if it's the case for you.

Breaking that cycle is a lot more complex than a single answer, but places to go socialize and finding the right medication is a step in the right direction.
 
MissBehave said:
Hello.
I don’t think I’ve seen you around here before. 😊
Sorry to hear about your troubles. 
Wanted to say welcome! I hope you’ll like it here with us. 🌸
So what have you been up to today?
ha I'm new to this forum. You seem really friendly & I hope you can relate in some way :shy: . I haven't done anythin today except my usual routine: make a sandwich, cup of tea & catch up on soaps. That's my routine everyday lol. Tommorow I'm volunteering at the youth club again with the kids which I do every Wednesday & Friday so that's somethin I guess.

ahsatan said:
Welcome

Sorry about ur life. Ur post is not boring!
I have  big nose as well. I'm also a recluse and 5'5. I mainly chill on the couch in the living room instead of my room. 


tenor.gif
Thank you, I certainly need a hug  :rolleyes:. We all need affection in our lives but when your lonely it's hard to meet even the most basic need. It's ironic that we have similar physical traits lol. I have nice eyes & quite fit but I'm so insecure about being 5'5 with a roman nose. From the side it sticks out like a sore thumb which makes me really self conscious, especially in this shallow society. Do you feel the same?.
Tealeaf said:
Depression and isolation are a really tough double whammy that feed off each other. Too much time alone makes you feel down. Feeling down makes you want to be alone. I think people in this position can also be in a mindset that makes them feel more alone than others in the same setting, ex. No one will like me, I'm too different, etc. Not sure if it's the case for you.

Breaking that cycle is a lot more complex than a single answer, but places to go socialize and finding the right medication is a step in the right direction.

ye your right & my problem is that it's been going on for a period of years, in fact I've always been secluded. I've boxed myself into this shell of an existence & it's hard to break free. I've made practical steps this year by attending a meetup group. The members are older than me in their 40s, 50s etc but they seem friendly. And recently I started volunteering at a youth club where there's lots of people to meet. I've been doing well with the kids judging from positive feedback but I'm still very insecure about what people think of me. I'm desperate to make friends from it who I can hang out with but I fear rejection  :(. I'm desperate for a relationship as I've never had 1. When I see others with families & a loving wife it really triggers my loneliness. I've started on Duloxitine as mentioned which makes feel a bit sleepy but need to give them 2 weeks to start to kick in.
 
Yes I god **** hate my profile. I'm very self conscious. Most people have normal noses which is not fair. I got my grandma's Ukrainian large  nose with a bump .  Society sux. I don't even like my eyes! My eyes are like small. My lips are nice and i'm skinny which I like  but everything else I hate. 
Here's another hug! lol

cat-cute-hug-typography-Favim.com-160090.jpg
 
SilentSoul89 said:
I've been lonely for so long that I feel like there's no escape  :(. I'm 30, never had a relationship & always been a recluse. I'm always in my room & I've been that way since I was a kid. I go out to attend appointments & volunteering but that's about it. I don't even go downstairs unless my dinner or to make a cup of tea which I take to my room. I suffer with deep depression & low self esteem which i guess is inevitable from this secluded lifestyle. I'm not even bad looking but I'm insecure about being 5'5 & I have a big nose. I have a lot of positive qualities which is reflected in the youth volunteering I've started doing. 

I've had 3 lots of positive feedback so far after 6 sessions supporting kids in activities. I'm just so lonely & it hurts so much  :(. I've often been crying in public toilets, even in a room full of people like nightclubs. Even when I went Turkey in 2017 with 8 other people, the loneliness was still consuming me. I've just started taking Duloxitine which is my 1st anti depressant for over a year & half. Anyway I'm sure you're bored of reading these self pitying posts by now. This is a cry for help more than anythin..

I too am a recluse and often spend all of my time in my bedroom. Never having had a relationship either, sure it sucks, and the worst part is that means you're inexperienced too, which is never good unfortunately. The only thing I have to offer you right now, is my friendship. If you want it of course!

Feel free to message me directly.
Regards.
 
When your lonely there's a pressure to try & get someones contact details as you never know when you'll see therm again. I've been chattin to some girl at the youth club but we only see each other every Wednesday as I do Wed & Fri. How can you tell if someone likes you or not? And when is the right time to ask them to hang out?. I fear rejection like everyone else because it's humiliating & embarrassing. And a rejection also compromises future conversations by makin it awkward. My loneliness has made me so desperate which I'm tryin my best to hide & be as natural as possible. I just want someone to hang out with as I've never had a proper girlfriend. I can go to bars with my cousin whenever I want but he can be aggressive when hes had a drink..
 
I think the level of embarrassment that comes from rejection can be controlled, at least to the point where you don’t show it. If you act easy going, relaxed, confident and friendly towards the person that rejected you, then you don’t have to struggle with the whole “oh honeysuckle I made an ass out of myself” and you can more easily continue the friendship. 
A part of the dating scene is to accept that there are gonna be rejection to deal with. That’s just how it is for most people. 
As far as if it’s the right time, I have no idea. I guess this depends on so many different factors that there isn’t a standard answer. Well, maybe when you see her relax a little around you? 
I hope you score. 🌸
 
MissBehave said:
I think the level of embarrassment that comes from rejection can be controlled, at least to the point where you don’t show it. If you act easy going, relaxed, confident and friendly towards the person that rejected you, then you don’t have to struggle with the whole “oh honeysuckle I made an ass out of myself” and you can more easily continue the friendship. 
A part of the dating scene is to accept that there are gonna be rejection to deal with. That’s just how it is for most people. 
As far as if it’s the right time, I have no idea. I guess this depends on so many different factors that there isn’t a standard answer. Well, maybe when you see her relax a little around you? 
I hope you score. 🌸
thanks thats good advice. It's frustrating caus there's no quick fix for loneliness, it's a gradual process. I feel like my social development is so far behind everyone else and I've no independence either. People can see positive qualities in me but my insecurities have always held me back. I'm actually more confident around other introverts, I tend to freeze around really self assured types. How are you socially? Do you struggle with loneliness or anythin like that?.
harper said:
Something to consider, given you met at a youth center:  

How old is she?
She's another staff member about 20s
 
I figured so... sorry, just had to be sure.  :O\

Maybe next time, you walk up with a handful of change and say, "Buy you a coke?"   It's a small step, but you're looking to see if she's interested enough to grab a chair and chill for a while.  If she goes for it, it's not because she was craving a coke-- she's saying she's pretty comfortable with you.  

If the conversation went OK and she's not staring at her phone, ask her if she wants to go for a pizza this weekend.  Blurt it out so you don't over-think it.  It'll be awkward... that's why it feels so good when she says 'yes'.  

Remember, all guys get rejected sometimes.  No shame in that.  Asking women out is what we DO.  If she says 'no' stay cool and tell her you enjoyed talking to her.

It won't be easy-- just don't make it so thinky and you'll head off the panic.  

I hope this helps, though I know it's a big step if you're taking it for the first time.  I sure wish you the best of luck with it.  And for what it's worth, I think you're making a good decision, getting out and volunteering like that.  The more things you have to get you out of that room, the better your life may become.
 
SilentSoul89 said:
I've been lonely for so long that I feel like there's no escape  :(. I'm 30, never had a relationship & always been a recluse. I'm always in my room & I've been that way since I was a kid. I go out to attend appointments & volunteering but that's about it. I don't even go downstairs unless my dinner or to make a cup of tea which I take to my room. I suffer with deep depression & low self esteem which i guess is inevitable from this secluded lifestyle. I'm not even bad looking but I'm insecure about being 5'5 & I have a big nose. I have a lot of positive qualities which is reflected in the youth volunteering I've started doing. 

I've had 3 lots of positive feedback so far after 6 sessions supporting kids in activities. I'm just so lonely & it hurts so much  :(. I've often been crying in public toilets, even in a room full of people like nightclubs. Even when I went Turkey in 2017 with 8 other people, the loneliness was still consuming me. I've just started taking Duloxitine which is my 1st anti depressant for over a year & half. Anyway I'm sure you're bored of reading these self pitying posts by now. This is a cry for help more than anythin..

Sounds you need to make some effort to get out of this situation, mate...

In your case, a church (or other sort of religious community) might help. I believe you're in therapy? Group therapy perhaps, have you tried that?

You've been to university, I believe... What do you work with? Maybe group dynamics related to work or a hobby...

And, when in group, you'll need to make some sort of effort in order to defeat your difficulties. A book or a coach might be of help.

Don't feel bad at all in asking. Everyone here's somehow in a loneliness situation.
 
I don’t struggle too much with meeting or talking to people. Diving into people and getting to know them is one of my favorite things for several reasons, all selfish ones ofc. 😇
It tends to be relatively easy to meet someone, guess I’m more of a spoiled brat in the that sense but still, there are very few people I actually like hanging out with. I guess that say a lot about myself. 
So yeah, loneliness is a big part of me too. Sometimes it feels like it’s eating me from the inside. Attacking my heart and mind to the point it’s.... yeah... I guess you know what I’m talking about. 
Keep us posted about how it goes! 
If you get a rejection then take her out of your mind in that romantically way and start looking elsewhere. Staying too long in that “oh I wish it was different I really like her” kind of thinking isn’t going to give you anything but more trouble. Not sure of you get stuck in that mindset but I’m just saying. 
Having a nice day so far? 🌈
 
Thats good advice, I'll try to take it on board. I just wish I didn't feel so desperate. It seems like most people already have an established social life which leaves them free to be themselves around strangers. They have the security of a loving wife or lots of friends to hang out with. I don't have any of that.. So I feel so much pressure & insecure :/..

 MissBehaveI don’t struggle too much with meeting or talking to people. Diving into people and getting to know them is one of my favorite things for several reasons said:
It tends to be relatively easy to meet someone, guess I’m more of a spoiled brat in the that sense but still, there are very few people I actually like hanging out with. I guess that say a lot about myself. 
So yeah, loneliness is a big part of me too. Sometimes it feels like it’s eating me from the inside. Attacking my heart and mind to the point it’s.... yeah... I guess you know what I’m talking about. 
Keep us posted about how it goes! 
If you get a rejection then take her out of your mind in that romantically way and start looking elsewhere. Staying too long in that “oh I wish it was different I really like her” kind of thinking isn’t going to give you anything but more trouble. Not sure of you get stuck in that mindset but I’m just saying. 
Having a nice day so far? 🌈

My day wasn't the best, I didn't sleep all night then was at the youth club from 4-9pm. It wasn't a great day because there was kids messing about & I'm not sure how well I handled it. We're not allowed to directly intervene with any conflict, we can only try to de-escalate but it's a thankless task, especially when there's mass chaos breaking out on the football pitch like today. I was quiet for the most part, the most social was towards the end of the day when I offered to help an Irish girl to sweep up. 

She seemed really pleasant & we had a bit of a conversation & thanked me for tidying up. She said see ya next week but I'm not sure if that means she likes me or what?. Girls are so hard to read. Then the boss said "thank you very much for today" but I assume she says that to everyone. This is how my mind operates, I read too much into every interaction. Because I'm so lonely & depressed my perception is different to most normally balanced people. It's like everyone has some kind of life goin but me. They have a car, friends, loving relationship etc :( .
 
I relate to what you said in the initial post, and I feel I am in a similar boat, except I'm 34. I've kind of resigned myself to this life in a sense, but it is still lonely and painful at times. In my case, I am not really focused on a relationship so much, or lack thereof, but I wish I could have at least one real life friend with whom to do things with. I see how most everyone out there has at least one friend like this and seeing how I have gone so long this way and how it's unlikely to change at this point, is very disheartening. I guess I really don't have any advice, but at the very least, meeting some like minded people who are also in a similar situation and can relate to those levels of isolation and hopelessness can be a sort of consolation to help make things at least bearable.
 
I’m guessing that those comments that you got from your boss and that Irish girl is them being friendly. Not every sign of attention means that they like you in a romantically way. Over reading stuff can be very normal when you are lonely so it’s easy to do it. 
I’m sorry for your bad day. I hope it gets better! ⭐
 
Do you want to fix the problem, or have you given up? Do you have resentment like alot of people in your situation, or do you think you could follow a path to fix things? Addressing these questions will help you figure out what track to be on.

The reason I ask is because I know that, for me, fixing things might actually be possible if I didn’t have the resentment built up. That is definitely one of the big things holding me down. Every time I think about me, for example, kissing a girl, or “enjoying the company” of a woman, my resentment just makes me enraged, because no girl has ever shown interest in me beforehand . I get mad and I do my best to suppress the thought and to deny myself the pleasure. I guess you could call it self-destructive. 

I hope you figure it out. If you want to get more specific with your problems I can try to help you with what I can.
 
ITellYouHhwut said:
The reason I ask is because I know that, for me, fixing things might actually be possible if I didn’t have the resentment built up. That is definitely one of the big things holding me down. Every time I think about me, for example, kissing a girl, or “enjoying the company” of a woman, my resentment just makes me enraged, because no girl has ever shown interest in me beforehand .

I know it sounds overly simplistic, but it's pretty straightforward: Have you tried NOT feeling resentful... choosing to feel optimistic or determined or to simply forget about being emotional about it in the first place?
 
harper said:
ITellYouHhwut said:
The reason I ask is because I know that, for me, fixing things might actually be possible if I didn’t have the resentment built up. That is definitely one of the big things holding me down. Every time I think about me, for example, kissing a girl, or “enjoying the company” of a woman, my resentment just makes me enraged, because no girl has ever shown interest in me beforehand .

I know it sounds overly simplistic, but it's pretty straightforward: Have you tried NOT feeling resentful... choosing to feel optimistic or determined or to simply forget about being emotional about it in the first place?
Note, I'm not a psychologist and I don't know what works for other people-- just what works for me.  I wish you luck, ITellYouHhwut.  I hope you do find a way to socialize and be happy.
 

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