There’s a woman moved in next door

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Puddled Duck

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Nice woman, pretty but not stunning, say 35. Turned down far better.

She moved in a week ago.

She works for virgin trains, she goes to Edinburgh in morning, comes back in the evening and lives alone in the little flat next door.

The minute I met her I fell in love with her, it’s been four years since that has happened.

I’ll show her lots of attention, whenever our paths cross, there will be invites for coffee, little presents for her, i’ll offer to cook meals. Gotta do it.

She’ll think i’ll want sex, there can be no logical other
reason.

Well I’m messed now!. Absolutely messed!.
 
It’s called the start of a relationship.

Obviously that shouldn’t bother anyone on here.

99% of people on here probably don’t know what a relationship is.

Firstly look the word up on Wikipedia. A bit of background knowledge for you.

Here’s how it goes.

I was standing at the front door (flat) and next door a woman who I’d never seen before darted out so I had ‘hello new here?’, yes she said, ‘going anywhere nice’ I said, ‘I’m off to work’, where do you work I said ‘virgin trains i’m off to Edinburgh’, Edinburgh I said that’s 200 miles away, ‘up and down’, she said ‘up and down’. Got in her car drove and drove off.

I thought I can work on that basis. She’s given me everything I need.

When she got home, there was a bunch of roses, a vase and a box of chocolates and a ‘home’ card on her doorstep, which said ‘up and down’, ‘up and down’, ‘up and down’, the story of my life LOL only joking, just a little housewarming gift Mike 139 Penn Road. PS the previous tenants have left your front patio a mess, i’ll sort it, time on my hands and green fingers, have a look at mine, I’ll do the same to yours.

Obviously I never went anywhere near the patio area unless her car was parked outside. No point!.

First day working on the patio, out she comes, ‘i’m going to do this, this, this, this, this, this’ I said, on and off I said. It’ll take two months, ‘how WOW she said’, ‘don’t worry about the cost I said, I’m not short of a bob or two call it an additional house warming gift (cost £80 how much does a fancy restaurant cost. Reason so cheap, my dads a ‘retired’ gardener and if I want anything, most things not all he gets them and just pays for them.

Could have done the job in a morning, but it makes no sense.

To say thank you ‘can I cook you a meal’.

No I said (note can’t be too forward), i’ll tell you what when the jobs done we’ll sit in the patio, included in the deal is a little bistro set, i’ll get rid of these two little chairs. We’ll eat out and enjoy the patio together.

Next day, it’s ‘would you like to sit out with and have a soft drink and sit out with me it’s hot’. Which of course I accept.

Next day, she’s ringing my doorbell, ‘coffee round at mine?’.

So it begins.

It’s been going on for 5 days now and I think i’ve only swept the patio for half a hour, wet wiped a window for 15 minutes and shown up with a £7 plant pot, but i’ve been camped out on that patio, for best part of say 5 hours. Obviously only when her cars parked outside.
 
Dicey, starting in with the neighbor... but ideal since you both have your personal space when you need it. And now you have a reason to get out of bed. Feels good, as I remember.
 
YNever honeysuckle on your own doorstep.

But what options do I have.

It’s doomed to failure, when we sit together, questions are being asked, If I answer them, I tell ‘white’ lies, any really searching questions I say ‘we’ll discuss that at the meal’.

The meal never happens!, DO YOU UNDERSTAND, the meal is there to defer everything. But the meal never happens!. Everything is lumped on ‘the meal’ in two months. I have two months!. Two months when I can experience something close to a relationship.

Once the patio is finished, a three hour job spread over two months. I will say ‘sorry can’t do the meal’, then all hell will break lose.
 
Not sure what your big secret is, but women are pretty understanding. She probably won't be surprised to learn that you have the wreckage of past relationships behind you. Most people start to accumulate that kind of mess in their 20s, I'd think.

Being able to talk freely and intimately is about the best thing in Life. Maybe you're overestimating your damage, or underestimating her understanding. The lady drives 400 miles a day... she's made of sterner stuff than most of us.
 
She doesn’t drive 400 miles a day she drives about a mile. She goes ‘up and down’ on the Wolverhampton to Edinburgh Virgin Train, she’s a hostess.

I told my brother, but sort of ignores it.

I told the Ambulance drivers but it didn’t quite register.

And for some reason the chap down the petrol station worked it out all by himself.

It’s been going on for months.
 
Leave her a note.

Get her in the front room.

Tell her the true, warts and all, could be hours assuming she doesn’t walk out after 5 minutes and never speak to me again.

So it’s a married, ‘a’ sexual effectively, faded Jehovah’s Witness but still a massive bible basher, who can’t get out of bed except for odd good day, alcoholic, who is broke, but tomorrow could be a millionaire, well if his wife dies, because you’re a bible basher, the bible does not permit divorce, till death do you part, who’s in love with me, but has no sexual feelings for me, infact can’t do absolutely anything with me, not even have a meal. Is that what you’re telling me Mike?. Well yes and that’s the sort of highlights really.
 
Simply will never even come close to having a relationship with her.

Miles away!.

It’s the silly season, she’s actually 48, unmarried and never talks about men, I sat there and thought the best case is she’s a lesbian.
 
Do you know who knows my mental and physical health, better than the NHS, its the job centre.

If I could see anyone it would be a nurse at the job centre.

In fact never, ever, ever I had any problems with the job centre/department for work and pensions.

When I go for a health review to see whether I can go to work, they go right!, sign that!, because we need to have a serious word with your doctor.

I thought, how god!, here we go again. Don’t answer the phone for next month.
 
I have lost control of bowl and bladder, say 80 percent of the time and it’s been going on for 5 years!.

5 years, 80 percent of the time, no control over bowl and bladder.

It is absolutely pointless telling anyone!.

Should I see a doctor about it?. Bowl it’s my diet isn’t, bladder it’s the drink isn’t of course it all makes perfect sense?. Everyone can see it, everyone, oh my it’s so obvious, my brother he’s an intelligent, every time I tell him i’ve lost control of bowl and bladder, it’s the drink, it’s my diet. Get some All bran down you, same with ambulance men, same with my brothers wife, same if I mention it to anyone.

If people don’t know i’ve got a ‘honeysuckle’ diet and do a bottle of vodka.

My dad loses it with me, well go and see a doctor!, The job centre at a basic level they know I can’t even leave the flat because i’ll honeysuckle and piss myself before I even get to work, at a basic level i can’t go to work, i’ll probably honeysuckle and piss myself before I even get to work. So I that one thing alone, before even we go into well about 15 other things that preclude him from work, let’s get him to a doctor!.

It’s the silly season.

I’ve discussed it with people like me, no one mentions diet, no one mentions drink, no ever mentions a doctor, BECAUSE WE’RE NOT THAT BLOODY STUPID!, it’s just everyone else is!.
 
How do you make a person completely stop in there tracks and re-examine the meaning of life.

It’s simply, everyone talks to me about work, I haven’t worked for 5 years!. Everyone talks to me about work!, everyone!.

You say to them ‘but I’m not on the dole, in fact I’ve only been on the dole 6 weeks in my entire life and i’m 50!, not even the job centre want to talk to me about work’.

It’s very difficult for them to reply, if they do!, you just say ‘yes, but I’m not on the dole, go figure!’
 
Have you ever turned a woman down for sex, been doing it all my life.

They’re not happy bunnies and when some of these women are your work colleagues, well it’s time to find another job. Never go to a XMAS meal!.

The second best one was, word got around the office once, guess what all the men thought I was?.

The best one was and I could not believe it, I was called into a disaplinery meeting by the MD of a company for scaring a woman, in the meeting was her immediate ‘boss’, which she wasn’t, I was and I had it in writing, a woman, who said ‘the minute I set eyes on him when he turned up to the interview I was absolutely sure I was going to marry him’, the MD apologised to me, then tried to fire her but he couldn’t because strangely enough she claimed she never worked for company and was the PA to a director in America on the basis of booking his flights. So I turned up in displinary well on the basis that we’ll i didn’t propose marriage to a woman who well doesn’t work for the company. If you wondered how I scared this other woman, I put a piece of paper on her desk which said ‘I’m your boss’, and said ‘can just remind you I’m your boss’. Apparently she was under the impression running purchase ledger the financial controller was nothing to do her, no!, it was a woman who doesn’t work for the company and doesn’t answer to company, we’ll she didn’t do anything but chin wag to this PA and no one could do anything about it.
 
Maybe the sexual thing isn't as important at our age as it is with younger couples. Maybe a good, solid, snuggly relationship with this 48 year-old hostess could take up some of your drinking time. I don't know what to say about the religious thing or the million beans in the offing. Whatever you're comfortable with, though it doesn't sound too comfortable to me.

I'd think the NHS would be on board with periodic endoscopy for upper and lower digestive cancers. If you still have bowel symptoms when you aren't drinking (if such days exist) maybe you should sign up for a colonoscopy. Prostate screening (PSA) test, for sure.

Here endeth the shithouse medical advice. Just telling you what they tell us over here.
 
harper said:
I'd think the NHS would be on board with periodic endoscopy for upper and lower digestive cancers. If you still have bowel symptoms when you aren't drinking (if such days exist) maybe you should sign up for a colonoscopy. Prostate screening (PSA) test, for sure

Oh god the bollocks goes on.

Your expressing a medical opinion?

So I go to NHS, I say help me doctor!, help me I fear the worst!, I’ve lost control of bowl function a really intelligent chap, who probably has or hasn’t medical training, said you should send for a colonoscopy, stick something up my arse or something and make it better, even if doesn’t make it better, well just stick something up my arse.

He’s goes right, that very intelligent chap on the forum who may or may not medical training has called it right, let’s stick something up your arse and have a looky, great I think, some woman dressed as a nurse is going to stick something up my arse, people pay a prostitute £100 an hour for this honeysuckle (pardon the pun), I’m getting it on the NHS for free.

By the way, iamlonely.com isn’t it principally concerned with mental health?, not physical but mental?, a doctor?, mental health?, hmmmm. Why would anyone come to iamlonely with a physical health problem.

Anyway as i’m leaving I go to doctor, quite why I’m talking to a doctor, god only knows?, oh by the way doctor, not only do I have a bowl problem, I have a bladder problem, and well I’m constantly dizzy, then the tingling in fingers and numbness, then heart palpitations, then tightness across the heart, choking, then pain everywhere and I’m mean everywhere!, this all come about at once!, I must be the unluckiest person alive and don’t forget I take sertraline (which has no effect) and do a bottle of vodka a day for relaxation and to sleep. I’m also a heavy insomniac and haven’t had a decent meal in months.

But thanks for shoving something up my arse, i’ll spend a very pleasant hour having something shoved up my arse and even better have a hour off iamlonely.com where they seem to talk out there arse.

It works like this, occasionally I text my brother. I say ‘Chris don’t ask any questions you know the drill, get me the ingredients, if you can’t, get me someone who will ASAP!’.

An hour later someone turns up at the door it’s left open, Mike I’ve brought you the ingredients, are decent?.

Poor me a drink, quadruple vodka, top it up with lemonade and plenty of ice bring it in the toilet and stay with me. Obviously that drink is gone in a second, then there’s another, then there’s another, until say 2/3 rds of the bottle is gone.

When he walks in he sees a man having a panic attack, or is a heart attack, because having been through a heart attack they are very! very! similar. He’s a man who hasn’t eaten for a month, he sees a man hasn’t slept for 3 days, he see’s a man who probably been sitting there for 5 hours on the toilet, he’s sees a man who is trembling terribly, can’t get his breath, in terrible pain in his chest, burping constantly, blacking out and falling off the toilet.

3 hours later, my brother leaves the flat, I’m sleeping like a baby.

But how the depression, how the depression, I’ve been strong, the people I’ve pushed away, how can i do this to the people around around me, not that they’ve really done anything, even if they have the person will have forget about it in 5 minutes and return to thinking about I don’t know a tit wank or something. I must hold the hand of death tonight!, we’ll after shagging my partner and sort of fantasying about some woman in the office I’m in love with!.
 
Oh and please no ‘well when get like this why don’t you go and aimlessly walk the streets, do you good a bit of fresh air’, I’ve got mental health services for this sort of thing, the government spends 15 billion pounds a year to bring me that message, they don’t need someone who hasn’t got a friend in the world because no one will listen to there bollocks!.

I tried it once, I though well 15 billion pounds a year can’t be wrong?, I got 30 metres, blacked out, fell on my arm, shattered it in four places, had a four hour operation, two plates, 14 pins. Now my arm is in constant pain and I have limited functionality in my right arm.

A chap in the HNS, said that should happen?, sent me for bone density scan and I was diagnosed with Osteoporosis (mild brittle bone disease), if I fall I shatter!.
 

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