Back to square 1 💔

MissBehave · Sep 2, 2019

I don't know how to move forward anymore.
At the beginning of the year I started on a new medication. I could feel it help me very fast and for the first time in years I felt like I could achieve something, that if I kept pushing forward it would give me things I could only dream of before. They increased the dosage once every 2 weeks until I was on the amount that would work best for me. Finally! I felt alive again! Breathing felt easier and I could feel my mind get the removal of that horrible sharp edge that had kept stabbing me. My problems were the same but the medication made it more manageable.
I started on a work project that required me to do 50% of normal work hours. The pay was minimal but it gave me so much! Being at the cat hotel gave me confidence in my abilities and work capacity. For so many years I couldn't work at all and this left me outside of the society. It's a horrible feeling to know that you can't contribute and changing that felt amazing. Just talking about this makes me tear up. I can't ever express how it felt when I finally stared to move forward again after so many years of standing still.

Then I had to quit my new medication. The main reason being that it isn't registered as something that is normally used against my illness. I don't have a clean anxiety diagnosis as the medication are, among others, supposed to work against. Anxiety is a big thing evolving around my problems but it's not classified as only anxiety.
Since I quit using them I've felt everything falling apart. I'm struggling to keep my problems under control. My flashes and depression is attacking me full strength. It is so bad that I can't go a day without having some sort of flashback. They vary in strength and I can't remove myself from the triggers since I see and feel some of them every day. The power I felt inside of myself is fading, just getting out of bed in the morning to go to work is very hard. Today I couldn't help but burst out in tears because I don't want to face these problems anymore. I'm back at the beginning again, struggling to keep myself alive and breathing.

I'm seeing my doctor again in 2 weeks time to figure out what to do now. I'm hoping that I can start on them again but I'm expecting the worst.
I wish I was stronger. I wish I could fight this but it feels like I'm drowning again.

talk11 · Sep 6, 2019

That's really sad news that you're struggling so much. I wonder why they prescribed you those meds in the first place if your condition wasn't registered?? I hope you manage to hold onto your job - what will you say to your doctor?

Black Manta · Sep 6, 2019

I'm thinking your doctor, if they're any good, can just diagnoses you with a condition that does fit within the drug parameters. If you're like me you probably expect the worst to happen, but most meds can be given for multiple conditions. Diagnosing you with insomnia might be enough.

MissBehave · Sep 6, 2019

Thank you both so much for the replies.
I’m very unsure what to say. I’m very unsure of what she actually can do. I’ve been trying out this other medication but it’s one that I’ve tried before and it’s not working so I’ll tell her that. I wasn’t able to go to work one day this week too so that’s also something to say, and ask her to do what she can to help me. It’s all about hanging in there I suppose. Wish I could be a little more hopeful but.. I’ll see soon enough.

Sir Joseph · Sep 8, 2019

MissBehave, the fact that your condition reacted so favorably with drug treatment is encouraging. I expect that you can and will get your doctors and meds realigned with some time and trouble. Obviously, its worth the effort and everyone here wishes you well with success.

Meanwhile, as you deal with this temporary setback, I offer this half hour video to give you guidance and strength. I think you'll find it interesting, entertaining, and applicable for you.

Shanta · Sep 9, 2019

MissBehave said:
Thank you both so much for the replies.
I’m very unsure what to say. I’m very unsure of what she actually can do. I’ve been trying out this other medication but it’s one that I’ve tried before and it’s not working so I’ll tell her that. I wasn’t able to go to work one day this week too so that’s also something to say, and ask her to do what she can to help me. It’s all about hanging in there I suppose. Wish I could be a little more hopeful but.. I’ll see soon enough.

MissBehave

I wish you all luck with the medication problem you are undergoing now.

If this helps you at all, I find you to be a balanced and healthy minded person (judging for our, yes, very limited interaction). But sometimes you can tell about a person very soon. You are balanced. Its just that you do not acknowledge this in your yet.
We all spend so much time hurting ourselves nowadays. It could be due to our history, experiences etc. We also devalue ourselves much of the time. The mind naturally turns to the negative over the positive. I have read that this is due to some parts of our brains being attuned to the negative rather than the positive in an effort to help us to survive. The logic being that if we are always looking at the negative, the more likely we are to be safe. Anyway, the price we pay for this 'protection' is an ingrained bias to negativity.

You enjoy working and contributing. That is obvious. You also seem to be a compassionate person. Now there. Here are a few first things to focus on. Don't believe your mind all the time. You are not your mind alone. You are more than that. I see this.

Siku · Sep 9, 2019

Shanta said:
MissBehave said:

Thank you both so much for the replies.
I’m very unsure what to say. I’m very unsure of what she actually can do. I’ve been trying out this other medication but it’s one that I’ve tried before and it’s not working so I’ll tell her that. I wasn’t able to go to work one day this week too so that’s also something to say, and ask her to do what she can to help me. It’s all about hanging in there I suppose. Wish I could be a little more hopeful but.. I’ll see soon enough.

Click to expand...

MissBehave

I wish you all luck with the medication problem you are undergoing now.

If this helps you at all, I find you to be a balanced and healthy minded person (judging for our, yes, very limited interaction). But sometimes you can tell about a person very soon. You are balanced. Its just that you do not acknowledge this in your yet.
We all spend so much time hurting ourselves nowadays. It could be due to our history, experiences etc. We also devalue ourselves much of the time. The mind naturally turns to the negative over the positive. I have read that this is due to some parts of our brains being attuned to the negative rather than the positive in an effort to help us to survive. The logic being that if we are always looking at the negative, the more likely we are to be safe. Anyway, the price we pay for this 'protection' is an ingrained bias to negativity.

You enjoy working and contributing. That is obvious. You also seem to be a compassionate person. Now there. Here are a few first things to focus on. Don't believe your mind all the time. You are not your mind alone. You are more than that. I see this.

I gotta say, I love and absolutely agree with this advice.

However, what of a conscious balanced person whom has sub-conscious mental illnesses or past trauma? Perhaps there's where the problems lie in most of us as well. Balanced means we're more self-aware of our sub-conscious, rather than 'balanced' in my own opinion. Why do I say this? Because the inner turmoil causes such self-awareness as you begin to question yourself with-in and blame yourself OR project on others. Rarely do you not see either.. I think we all have that in some way or form whether we want to admit or not.

And this is also precisely why I find the damaged people to be the most beautiful and the most potential. Not in a egotistic sense, but rather a mental awakening. They're the most human in the sense that they learned compassion or their own strong life lessons in it's purest form and taught their empathy or mind along the way. Even if it's deemed negative or positive thinking. It's still a form of growth. It's also why I despise the word mental-"illness" when what causes most of those "illnesses" is non-acceptance from society. And what's deeming it an illness? Society. Looking at someone's mental state with science is like looking at a painting with 60+ colors past our own spectrums with color-blind eyes.

And well, because people can suck and the world is honeysuckle which why we're challenged or morphed. Yet look at us around pets/animals and how quick were to turn to them for a more 'pure' companionship. And look at the trend of emotional people's favorite movies. It's always biased towards someone's emotional state, or past experiences. Our mind is changes based on life experiences. Greater or worse. And it seems to be unavoidable with how things are right now. The world's illnesses, not ours. And please, not to be confused or combined along side very clear physically attributed forms of mental state such as Autism, etc. Which is in another league of it's own lol.

Case in point, it's mostly selfish people, greed, isolation and society grip's of fear mongering us all that causes these varying "illnesses". And rather than look at the source, we're given pharmaceuticals to turn us into obedient zombies....

Not to imply anyone without 'illness' isn't capable of balance but rather it's a very plausible common theme of 'balanced' people to begin with. They go hand and hand. Even the term balanced is implying the person is fully aware of their other side and must seek a balance of the two. Which also begs for another topic for another time perhaps lol.

To be fair, there is also mental blocks from trauma, and so forth as well. How do you stop that from happening if not medication? Especially if they are flashbacks. Maybe in those instances it is best to erase and forget. Or, scarily, re-live them to get over it as it's usually a past mental state that is lingering alongside with the trauma. If you see it again with more adult eyes or mental state, it might tell your subconscious to get over itself and to stop being scared of it.

And most of this is hypothetical, of course. Although I will admit I fall under this, as I do have my own "demons" and a traumatic past which I do not take medication or seen a therapist for. But I do partake in a family member's devil's lettuce when it gets severe and I need to distract myself. I don't like the idea of losing a part of myself just to let the rest live in harmony which is why I don't seek the permanent alternatives. I want to learn to do it myself and not band-aid it. Which is why I loved your advice.

Hello there!

But yeah, what might work for me or yourself might be more difficult for others that we're incapable of understanding from our perspectives. Most can't even explain themselves what they are going through either lol.

Haha. Excuse my passionate rambling.

@MissBehave, just try to keep yourself distracted as best as you can please until you see a doctor again. I really hope you get back those old meds especially if they worked. Best of luck!

Shanta · Sep 9, 2019

Siku said:
Shanta said:

MissBehave said:

Thank you both so much for the replies.
I’m very unsure what to say. I’m very unsure of what she actually can do. I’ve been trying out this other medication but it’s one that I’ve tried before and it’s not working so I’ll tell her that. I wasn’t able to go to work one day this week too so that’s also something to say, and ask her to do what she can to help me. It’s all about hanging in there I suppose. Wish I could be a little more hopeful but.. I’ll see soon enough.

Click to expand...

MissBehave

I wish you all luck with the medication problem you are undergoing now.

If this helps you at all, I find you to be a balanced and healthy minded person (judging for our, yes, very limited interaction). But sometimes you can tell about a person very soon. You are balanced. Its just that you do not acknowledge this in your yet.
We all spend so much time hurting ourselves nowadays. It could be due to our history, experiences etc. We also devalue ourselves much of the time. The mind naturally turns to the negative over the positive. I have read that this is due to some parts of our brains being attuned to the negative rather than the positive in an effort to help us to survive. The logic being that if we are always looking at the negative, the more likely we are to be safe. Anyway, the price we pay for this 'protection' is an ingrained bias to negativity.

You enjoy working and contributing. That is obvious. You also seem to be a compassionate person. Now there. Here are a few first things to focus on. Don't believe your mind all the time. You are not your mind alone. You are more than that. I see this.

Click to expand...

I gotta say, I love and absolutely agree with this advice.

However, what of a conscious balanced person whom has sub-conscious mental illnesses or past trauma? Perhaps there's where the problems lie in most of us as well. Balanced means we're more self-aware of our sub-conscious, rather than 'balanced' in my own opinion. Why do I say this? Because the inner turmoil causes such self-awareness as you begin to question yourself with-in and blame yourself OR project on others. Rarely do you not see either.. I think we all have that in some way or form whether we want to admit or not.

And this is also precisely why I find the damaged people to be the most beautiful and the most potential. Not in a egotistic sense, but rather a mental awakening. They're the most human in the sense that they learned compassion or their own strong life lessons in it's purest form and taught their empathy or mind along the way. Even if it's deemed negative or positive thinking. It's still a form of growth. It's also why I despise the word mental-"illness" when what causes most of those "illnesses" is non-acceptance from society. And what's deeming it an illness? Society. Looking at someone's mental state with science is like looking at a painting with 60+ colors past our own spectrums with color-blind eyes.

And well, because people can suck and the world is honeysuckle which why we're challenged or morphed. Yet look at us around pets/animals and how quick were to turn to them for a more 'pure' companionship. And look at the trend of emotional people's favorite movies. It's always biased towards someone's emotional state, or past experiences. Our mind is changes based on life experiences. Greater or worse. And it seems to be unavoidable with how things are right now. The world's illnesses, not ours. And please, not to be confused or combined along side very clear physically attributed forms of mental state such as Autism, etc. Which is in another league of it's own lol.

Case in point, it's mostly selfish people, greed, isolation and society grip's of fear mongering us all that causes these varying "illnesses". And rather than look at the source, we're given pharmaceuticals to turn us into obedient zombies....

Not to imply anyone without 'illness' isn't capable of balance but rather it's a very plausible common theme of 'balanced' people to begin with. They go hand and hand. Even the term balanced is implying the person is fully aware of their other side and must seek a balance of the two. Which also begs for another topic for another time perhaps lol.

To be fair, there is also mental blocks from trauma, and so forth as well. How do you stop that from happening if not medication? Especially if they are flashbacks. Maybe in those instances it is best to erase and forget. Or, scarily, re-live them to get over it as it's usually a past mental state that is lingering alongside with the trauma. If you see it again with more adult eyes or mental state, it might tell your subconscious to get over itself and to stop being scared of it.

And most of this is hypothetical, of course. Although I will admit I fall under this, as I do have my own "demons" and a traumatic past which I do not take medication or seen a therapist for. But I do partake in a family member's devil's lettuce when it gets severe and I need to distract myself. I don't like the idea of losing a part of myself just to let the rest live in harmony which is why I don't seek the permanent alternatives. I want to learn to do it myself and not band-aid it. Which is why I loved your advice. Hello there!

But yeah, what might work for me or yourself might be more difficult for others that we're incapable of understanding from our perspectives. Most can't even explain themselves what they are going through either lol.

Haha. Excuse my passionate rambling.

@MissBehave, just try to keep yourself distracted as best as you can please until you see a doctor again. I really hope you get back those old meds especially if they worked. Best of luck!

Well, MissBehave, I send you a hug.

For me, this works much better than anything else. Siku, here is one for you too.

MissBehave · Sep 9, 2019

Hey Shanta.
Thank you for your willingness to read my words and your kind response.

Balance is a hard one. I see myself as dual. A raging ***** in certain moments and very caring in others. I think it's important for me to try and reach for the state where I'm kind and understanding but then again, not completely blocking my bitchy attitude either since this acts as some sort of pressure release.
I'm clearly messed up but I don't see it as all bad

I love hugs so you get one back. *hugs*

For you Siku.
Once again you leave me with a wonder wall of text and I greatly appreciate that you take time to form this response to me. *hug*

Shanta · Sep 9, 2019

MissBehave said:
Hey Shanta.
Thank you for your willingness to read my words and your kind response. Balance is a hard one. I see myself as dual. A raging ***** in certain moments and very caring in others. I think it's important for me to try and reach for the state where I'm kind and understanding but then again, not completely blocking my bitchy attitude either since this acts as some sort of pressure release.
I'm clearly messed up but I don't see it as all bad
I love hugs so you get one back. *hugs*

For you Siku.
Once again you leave me with a wonder wall of text and I greatly appreciate that you take time to form this response to me. *hug*

No need to give up the '*****' in you. It is a release and we do need this in our lives. Only watch that you don't turn this bitchiness on yourself.

I do love hugs too. Thanks many times over.

Diagnosed · Dec 26, 2019

Did I say I love you this year, MissBehaved?

I'm not afraid I said it twice on 2020; because I ACCEPT you as you are.

MissBehave · Dec 27, 2019

Diagnosed said:
Did I say I love you this year, MissBehaved?

I'm not afraid I said it twice on 2020; because I ACCEPT you as you are.

sriguhan · Dec 27, 2019

You will get through this my Queen ! I have full faith in Your resolve !
As always, Your knights stand ready to do Your bidding, whatever it might be !

MissBehave · Dec 28, 2019

sriguhan said:
You will get through this my Queen ! I have full faith in Your resolve !
As always, Your knights stand ready to do Your bidding, whatever it might be !

Ahh.
You are cute as can be!

Thanks for that cheer up.
I certainly needed it today.

sriguhan · Dec 28, 2019

MissBehave said:
sriguhan said:

You will get through this my Queen ! I have full faith in Your resolve !
As always, Your knights stand ready to do Your bidding, whatever it might be !

Click to expand...

Ahh.
You are cute as can be!
Thanks for that cheer up.
I certainly needed it today.

*Salute*

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