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Humiliation and pride
#1
I am a 51 yr old professional woman. I work part time only to be a more-or-less stay home mom. I have 2 teens. I also have a small catering business and a fashion blog. 
However, every time I cook something, my husband throws the food in my face and tells me "what is this shit you cooked". Every single time. He also never forgets to mention how I am completely useless and do nothing whatsoever at home since I have help at home.
I have about 20 years of education, master's degree, and am a very competent person where I work.
Yet his words kill me.
He is very successful. Everybody loves him. And I do too.
But his constant humiliation to me destroys me from the inside and leaves me with very low self esteem. He never ever tells me: you look really nice today (if I do) or thank you or please.
I feel so lonely that it tears me apart.
He never forgets to remind me that it is his money and his house and his everything.

I try to keep fit, dress very very well and look good at all times. The house is always clean, his clothes ironed, yet in his eyes I am useless and evetybody else is better. So much so that I wish I could die just so he would know what he missed.

Why do men act like they are God? Why does it hurt them so much to be just "nice"? Why? Would this hurt their ego so much?

I cannot leave him for complicated circumstances..but I wish that just once he can feel I am valuable. That I am important. That I am not like those no-brain women spending all their days in shopping malls and doing nothing.
Except he only sees me as one.

Maybe I am  venting but I am just so tired of it all.
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#2
He sounds like a total ass. I'm male and married and I'd never dream of speaking to anybody like that, least of all my wife. It's just an idea, but it might be worthwhile stopping everything that you do. When he asks why the place is a mess, the kids haven't been fed etc you tell him to do it. Oh and by the way, when he has done it you'll tell him he's crap at the whole thing. He might just get the message.

Honestly he sounds like a gutless coward. Nevermind his supposed success, professional success does not mean personal superiority. He's a failure every time he's unkind, especially to you.
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#3
Maybe he knows that he can get away with it, that you aren’t going to leave him even if he humiliates you?
Be careful. The way he’s treating you now can easily change into something physical. 
Either way. It’s not right and you deserve better! 
I would get the fuck out of that house before he destroys your self esteem to the point that you lose yourself but that’s just my perspective. It’s very hard to change it, I know that for sure.
I wish you the best and hope it gets better for you. Just don’t expect it to change unless you change it. 
*hug* ❤️
[Image: tenor.gif]
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#4
Thank you both for replying. For many reasons (financial and religeous and other) I cannot leave him.
And while I am not writing to complain (well, maybe a little), mainly I am just sharing how lonely a life can be with your spouse. Should I say SO? Supposed SO??
And for all the single and lonely guys out there, I hear you 😂 but you can still be so married and so very lonely..as well as verbally abused sometimes.
Loneliness leaves you just so vulnerable.
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#5
Broken Heart, men like that aren't acting like God, who's the creator of love; they're acting like assholes. Listening to you reminds me of my sister's predictament who's also your age, a mother of two, and struggling with a husband that humiliates her in many ways.  And she too is committed to staying with him for certain dependancy reasons.

I respect a spouse's decision to stay in a bad home and marriage when legitimate difficulties arise, but when problems develop because of unaceptable behavior, enduring a negative environment permanently is not a viable path for life. For what it's worth, allow me to give a perspective. 

You need to take some form of action to change the situation - whether that be a goal of eventual separation or renewed love and respect for each other.  I think this is something others would agree with, but have you affirmed it with yourself  - to do something definitive about the problem? I see two reasonable methods for pursuing this, short of immediately moving out and leaving the man.

First, you might try showing so much love and care towards your husband that his heart changes.  This is a hard prescription that would require exceptional love, devotion, and humbleness on your part, and one that might take a year or more to bring positive results - if ever.  But, if your faith warrants unconditional love and commitment to your spouse no matter how he behaves, then extraordinary measures of love, kindness, and servitude towards him may be warranted.  To this point, I have a movie favorite to recommend for you.  Though the tables are turned around with the husband trying to win back the wife, the plot is applicable to your situation, and it may give you an idea of what's possible if you go this route - and how to do it.  Unfortunately, the full Christian movie, Fireproof, has been removed from YouTube, but here's a trailer for it.  I think it may be worth your time and a few bucks to rent it.

 https://youtu.be/xvRaFrAemFY 

If the first option doesn't yield success, or seems too daunting for you, a second path may be possible.  Since you're apparenty taking care of him, you're in a position of power and influence just as he is.  You can choose not to make any meals for him at all, to not clean up after him, to not buy groceries for him, to not do laundry for him, to not do ANYTHING for him.  And, you can choose to leave the room every time he says anything wrong to you.  Now this would mean a household war that would become most unpleasant for both of you - but, like any war, that's what can bring both parties to the negotiating table.  I think, you have the power to make his home life so uncomfortable that he's forced to take action - whether it be changing his behavior towards you or choosing to divorce you. (And by the way, I believe that his attitude towards you is a mere reflection of his own heart and view of himself in this life. A person's religion or world view has everything to do with this.)  If you're in most countries, you have the law on your side if violence becomes an issue, and it's not easy for a husband to just kick his wife out of the house with no financial obligations.  If you're in a Muslim country, you may not have such protection, making a homefront war a risky proposition.  The point is though, for him to feel the negative home environment as painfully as you, giving him incentive to want to change it.  Once he gets there, you two are ready for marriage councelling.  If it doesn't work, the relationship will have deteriorated so much that you may accept the necessity to leave.

You don't want to live another 20-30 years with the current situation.  You can encourage his change through love or do it through pressure, but one way or the other, you're the one responsible for making your life right, and that includes the people you allow into your life.
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#6
Thank you for your reply and all the effort you put into writing it.
I do come from a Muslim country but we are Christian..the kind of till-death-do-us-part literally. So divorce or separation is out of the question.

So this leaves your 2 options 1 and 2.

I am always inclined to take the first one. It is truly the most humbling and I am convinced it is the life changing one.

I am not by nature a great person..but how can I describe myself? An OCD for good things? 😂
Like for eg after the humiliating session of the first food, I cooked an amazing roast. The one you pay a fortune for in restaurants. He said: I will never eat this bbq roast! My kid said: good. More for me 😂
I fixed his shirt button..to which he commented that it is lopsided (although I sew v v v well)..
Then I made his morning tea as usual.. although he took my credit cards the day before.

Mind u I do all this without a smile because this I cannot do.

So I cannot take option 2 at all because I am not built this way. Weather this makes me a doormat..I find myself complused to do good. Like OCD 🤔

I cannot take credit for doing it because it is as if I am doing it subconsciously. But yes this would be my preferred way out. Also number 2 will not affect him nor does he care enough about me to risk loosing me..I think.

Yes I watched Fireproof many times. And yes I wish it would go like that.
So I guess I will try to take the long and difficult first way.

But in the mean time, I wrote here because I feel humiliated and alone. I know there can never be a real online answer because no one can know for real all the details of anyone's life. But I just so wish it was different..and maybe just by reading your reply and other replies it would get me through the day/week/month/life?
Or maybe some jerk can read this and fix his way towards his SO?

Sigh.

Thanks again and thank you everybody for not leaving me alone in that ❤
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#7
You aren’t alone. ❤️
Wish I didn’t recognize myself in your words but I do. 
It’s weird how loneliness or feeling alone almost is like an entity in itself. 
It takes up so much space and the pain is too heavy.


[Image: giphy.gif]
[Image: tenor.gif]
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#8
Oh I love that video.
Your words are so true.
Single.
Married
With kids or without
Old or young
Some of us are just born to be lonely.
I read a line in a book once. It said sthg like
There is a shame in admitting loneliness because it makes you look unloved..or worse unloveable.

That last one is oh so difficult.
Thank you ❤
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#9
(09-28-2019, 10:52 PM)Broken heart Wrote: I am a 51 yr old professional woman. I work part time only to be a more-or-less stay home mom. I have 2 teens. I also have a small catering business and a fashion blog. 
However, every time I cook something, my husband throws the food in my face and tells me "what is this shit you cooked". Every single time. He also never forgets to mention how I am completely useless and do nothing whatsoever at home since I have help at home.
I have about 20 years of education, master's degree, and am a very competent person where I work.
Yet his words kill me.
He is very successful. Everybody loves him. And I do too.
But his constant humiliation to me destroys me from the inside and leaves me with very low self esteem. He never ever tells me: you look really nice today (if I do) or thank you or please.
I feel so lonely that it tears me apart.
He never forgets to remind me that it is his money and his house and his everything.

I try to keep fit, dress very very well and look good at all times. The house is always clean, his clothes ironed, yet in his eyes I am useless and evetybody else is better. So much so that I wish I could die just so he would know what he missed.

Why do men act like they are God? Why does it hurt them so much to be just "nice"? Why? Would this hurt their ego so much?

I cannot leave him for complicated circumstances..but I wish that just once he can feel I am valuable. That I am important. That I am not like those no-brain women spending all their days in shopping malls and doing nothing.
Except he only sees me as one.

Maybe I am  venting but I am just so tired of it all.

I am really sorry you are undergoing so much pain and suffering.

From my own experience of having been put down, ignored and repeatedly hurt by others, I can say that your release really lies in accepting that he is not going to change.  DO not expect him to change.  Tell yourself a hundred times a day if necessary that he is not going to change.  Say it till you know it is true.  And then repeat it again to yourself.

This can be your only way out (since you have made it clear that you cannot physically leave him)

Now try to change what you can.  The only thing you can really change is your reaction to the way he behaves.  When he abuses the food you have cooked, let him.  When he criticizes you in any way, let him.

You need to show him that you do not mind  his words and deeds.  That he no longer has the power to hurt you.  Because you have chosen for yourself the path that has taken this power back.

And if you need support on this path, we are here for you.
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#10
Broken Heart, nice response to me thanks.  Good for you, being a Christian, and I'm glad you've gotten to see the FP movie.  I expect that gives you an affirming conviction for what you feel the need to do yourself.  

OK, so you're the unconditional loving kind. I truely respect such integrity in a person and wish I had more of that virtue in my own heart.  Fortunately, the Lord has not tested me in the matter as he has you.

I still think you can and should try to influence your husband's behavior; how you do that is certainly your perogative.  But, I offer this half hour video sermon from Jon Weece that might give you some encouragement through the difficulties.  If you haven't seen it, I think you'll find it interesting, entertaining, and applicable for you.

 https://youtu.be/GWK-zbsmNlw
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