Broken heart
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- Apr 17, 2019
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Hello everybody
My thoughts are not yet organized but I will write as it comes.
So I was wondering about our (lonely people) or my sense of worth.
Along the years I have been mostly lonely. I have many friends or the social form of which but there is not a single person on this earth whom I can tell I am lonely.
My young self yearned to be accepted in the cool group and I tried hard to fit in. We all lived next to each other, did the same things, parents similar on all accounts..but they did not accept me.
Then when I couldn't I just tried to be better.
Better in studies when the social game did not include me. Got straight A's and joined med school.
A bit older? Still no luck.
So I became better looking and 100% more elegant .. when I was unable to be equally accepted.
The 20's and 30's when they started to get married and find their SO and do things that did not include me. No problem. I will get honours and do my masters. Still the best dressed (on a VERY tight budget..imagine that).
Still not fitting in? Learned 2 more languages.
Finally finding a SO..although he is kind and generous. Yet he doesn't..respscet me in his heart. He feels I am not good enough. He doesn't cheat or anything. But it is always there in his eyes and in his words sometimes.
But constantly living like you are not good enough. Not a good enough teen friend or youth girl friend or mom or wife or...doctor.
Then there is the FEAR that I will make a mistake as I am not good enough in my job. So much do that I honestly do not know if I am good or not. It terrifies me to see the same patient twice just in case I screwed up.
And so..after all this time..I still feel inadequate. Not good enough. I still try to hide it but I know the truth.
So are we lonely because we are inadequate? Or are we really inadequate and so we are lonely!
I am not really asking a question and I don't need an answer really.
But ah I just wish I won't care.
Simon and Garfunkel sang: laugh about it shout about when you've got to choose
Every way you look at it you loose
My thoughts are not yet organized but I will write as it comes.
So I was wondering about our (lonely people) or my sense of worth.
Along the years I have been mostly lonely. I have many friends or the social form of which but there is not a single person on this earth whom I can tell I am lonely.
My young self yearned to be accepted in the cool group and I tried hard to fit in. We all lived next to each other, did the same things, parents similar on all accounts..but they did not accept me.
Then when I couldn't I just tried to be better.
Better in studies when the social game did not include me. Got straight A's and joined med school.
A bit older? Still no luck.
So I became better looking and 100% more elegant .. when I was unable to be equally accepted.
The 20's and 30's when they started to get married and find their SO and do things that did not include me. No problem. I will get honours and do my masters. Still the best dressed (on a VERY tight budget..imagine that).
Still not fitting in? Learned 2 more languages.
Finally finding a SO..although he is kind and generous. Yet he doesn't..respscet me in his heart. He feels I am not good enough. He doesn't cheat or anything. But it is always there in his eyes and in his words sometimes.
But constantly living like you are not good enough. Not a good enough teen friend or youth girl friend or mom or wife or...doctor.
Then there is the FEAR that I will make a mistake as I am not good enough in my job. So much do that I honestly do not know if I am good or not. It terrifies me to see the same patient twice just in case I screwed up.
And so..after all this time..I still feel inadequate. Not good enough. I still try to hide it but I know the truth.
So are we lonely because we are inadequate? Or are we really inadequate and so we are lonely!
I am not really asking a question and I don't need an answer really.
But ah I just wish I won't care.
Simon and Garfunkel sang: laugh about it shout about when you've got to choose
Every way you look at it you loose