my depressing monologue, wrote it for self-preservation

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SighX99

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Here I am, stuck in traffic as always. its raining hard. whenever it rains, i always thought of her. what would she be doing this second? stuck in traffic like me? or out hanging out with her new group of friends? perhaps without a single thought of me, just like everyone else i know in my city. im unloved. no one is my friend anymore. talk about how to lose friends and alienate people.

still stuck in traffic, i have a nasty habit of observing other people's actions. most of the time people are on their cellphones, or talking to their pessenger... and me? still alone. no one has called me yet and its 9pm, and im still stuck in traffic. tried to call someone, but no one is available at this moment for me. the rain is relentless and unforgiving. every drop of the rain reminds me of my past mistakes. how i shouldnt have roomed with that ************, how i shouldnt have listened to my parents, or else i wouldve had a fun college life, how she made out with my best friend in front of me, gosh that image is still fuckin there. how i still havent met any girl from my college, how am i going to quit my nasty drug habit, which has helped me the most to get through honeysuckle? how did i end up so lonely? how ive basically alienated everyone that i kno...

finally got back home. turned on the new gaming laptop i just bought. pretty much the only friend i have in this world that will make me appreciate life. started using MSN messenger, see if any of my "friends" in taiwan are on. these friends are people i havent seen for years and probably have forgotten about me long ago... i went to a taiwanese boarding school for a year before i moved to the US 8 years ago. basically i got to know these people for a year, then moved to USA. i was such an *******. people made fun of me constantly, i made fun of people as well. but overall, i thought i had decent friends at that boarding school. and i hated that ******* school.

o this girl i knew from my old taiwanese boarding school is on MSN messenger. she definitely does not remember me because last time i tried to talk to her, she really didnt want to talk to me... i checked her profile like a stalker, just to see how she looks after all these years...then i found her "alumni party pictures" section... i never shouldve opened this folder, but these were pictures of my old boarding school friends, all having fun and drinking and eating together as a one big happy group...its a fuckin trip to see these pictures, these people i called friends from almost 10 years ago... totally forgotten my existence... it made my heart cringe and bleed. that is exactly what i longed for, a big happy group of friends...which i will probably never have despite the effort ive tried to put on.

ive never felt so alone. no friends in my home country, no friends in the USA...no friends on the internet, which i probably wil never get to meet. and i doubt people will read this long honeysuckle of clusterfuck. time to chase the dragon.

still, the rain hasnt stopped.
 
its hard for me to visit my old friends. i havent seen them in 10 years, they probably dont remember me. second, they despise me for some reason. probably i used to make fun (lot of people did) of certain people that are now an important part of this group of alumni friends that they have. third, they are thousands miles away. plus im already alienating my friends all around me... mainly because i think they use me for certain things all the time. theres probably 2 persons i know that actually cares about me. and thats just a guess. the worst is when they think they genuinely care for me, when their actions and intentions dont indicate that.

ive become anti-social.. something i thought id never be in a billion years. i always tell myself that things will get better, evidently they do not. things always come up at the wrong time for me. its hard to make friends, because i have unique taste in all things. i dont know, im just really different than everyone around me. hard to share the same interests. id like to move to the east coast or somewhere else, but thats something i cant do for at least another 4 years. i hate my life here...
 
SighX99 said:
its hard for me to visit my old friends. i havent seen them in 10 years, they probably dont remember me. second, they despise me for some reason. probably i used to make fun (lot of people did) of certain people that are now an important part of this group of alumni friends that they have. third, they are thousands miles away. plus im already alienating my friends all around me... mainly because i think they use me for certain things all the time. theres probably 2 persons i know that actually cares about me. and thats just a guess. the worst is when they think they genuinely care for me, when their actions and intentions dont indicate that.

ive become anti-social.. something i thought id never be in a billion years. i always tell myself that things will get better, evidently they do not. things always come up at the wrong time for me. its hard to make friends, because i have unique taste in all things. i dont know, im just really different than everyone around me. hard to share the same interests. id like to move to the east coast or somewhere else, but thats something i cant do for at least another 4 years. i hate my life here...

What exactly are your interests that they are so different from everyone else's? I mean hell guys who dress up in fur suits and pedophiles even have their own little support clusters. There are hobbyists groups for all kinds of things from people who like origami to folks who think eating honeysuckle is sexy. There is bound to be another bunch of folks who share your interests.
 
I have a very unique music taste. most of the people here are into hip-pop and R&B, or stupid punk, or carrie underwood or that "lolipop, you wanna lick my lolipop" black dude, i hate all of those above. im all about MacDre, no one knows MacDre around here, at least not many people know. I mean, i like tupac and snoop and all, but Mac Dre is the crime boss nigeria of all time. and jedi mind tricks. I also like a lot of bands that are from the east coast, mainly metal bands that no ones heard of around here. everyone around orange county listen to that commercial bullshit like BTBAM or those hardcore CHUGGA CHUGGA bs. i kno some people in orange county are NOT like that, i just havent get to meet majority of them.

and my view on women is vastly different than everyone around me. Around here, guys seem to act very differently when female is around. At least i noticed the difference. i cant explain it. people are always hooking up...i dont hook up. i dont act any different when females are around me, i am what i am.

and i just do too much drugs it makes me really weird to talk to. I'm really into government conspiracy, unsolved mystery cases, the paranormal, UFOs, reptilians shape shifters. I like HP lovecraft, Stephen King, Edgar Poe...im sure there are people out there who are into these things, but i never find anyone around my area that are also into these things so its hard to start a conversation sometimes. someone would ask me about something and i would NO IDEA who that person is or what he/she is talking about. and vice versa

its funny when I was in a library, we were doing a demostration on how to use computers to search anything we want. most of my peers typed in "bob marley" or "black eyed peas" or "dem franchise boyz" or cosmo or electronic game monthly... i typed in Edgar Poe, HP Lovecraft and David Icke, USO (Unidentified Submerged Object, yes that is an actual category)... some people thought i was nerdy...

the definition of nerdy to me, is that if you are really into something, then you are a nerd of that subject. so if u like surfing, then ur a surfing nerd, if u like doing drugs, then ur a drug nerd. if u like skating u are a skate nerd. just how i see it. for some odd reason no one gets it around me. and pisses me off how fuckin ignorant people are around me, in orange county. thats why i feel alone all the time. im sure there are cool people, just that i never meet them
 
I know in the past you mentioned about wanting to get off of drugs.

For me it was one of the hardest thing I had to do in my life.
Yeap..I was a nerd or a master at getting high. Living life on life's term...I sucked at.

Abussing drugs and alcohol were just the symtoms of my deeper inner problem.
I'm not sure what came first...the chicken or the egg ?
I mean, if I became like that becuase of drugs abuse or i abused drugs to cope ?
Maybe a combination of both.

Anyway..it didn't matter. I had to stop using in order for me to think clearer or feel clearer.
Fortunately there was help, if i wanted help.
There's the NA or AA fellowship.
Millions upon milllions of men and women who had found a way out of the living hell.
For a while i became a recovery nerd...I bascailly became a living , walking and talking recovery center.lmao
However it changed me for the better in so many ways. I've also met alot of people
that understood me and can relate to me.
No matter what lives we came from...we have a common thread or connection...we were recovering addicts.
It takes one to know one. I no longer had to fight it alone.
I can almost travel anywhere in the US and there would be an AA or NA meeting avaliable for me to attend
on any given day. As I said...Living life or life's term suck sometimes and we all need love and support to
help us get through.

Plus i was giving new sets of living tools and a new set of glasses to view the world through.
I'm a happier person overall. I don't belive I would have lived this long or still be alive today
without the fellowships . I was a total pot head and giving that up wasn't easy.

I had to want it...I'm also glad that i stopped at a young age. My list of distructions wasn't as long.
I think i drove my ex-wf nucken futz. She probably has a million reasons to hate me.
The thing about it...she was the love of my life...and i totally messed that up.
I'm grateful that she told me she still loves me after all the honeysuckle i put her through.
However, i lost her. Live and learn i guess.
 

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