Thread Rating:
  • 0 Vote(s) - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
Truly depressed?
#1
Hey there, 

correct me if I'm wrong but aren't "truly" depressed people incapable of even getting up in the morning on time since they consider it pointless? If that definition holds true, it wouldn't apply to me since I've been a school teacher for more than five years now. Or does that simply mean that there is such a thing as "functional depression", namely the ability to still hold down a job / fool yourself into believing that not all the ships have sailed yet, so to say? 

I'm a 34 year old male virgin who has successfully come up with excuses to dodge relationships due to the fact that I lived at home (during university) till age 27 and then jumped around all over the country so that I'm now part of a staff in which I obviously feel like the odd one out since nearly everybody's taken/married/married with children and I have nothing of substance to contribute, which makes even hanging out in the teacher's lounge excruciatingly uncomfortable because I'm well aware that my retreat into myself while others are sharing anecdotes is considered either arrogant or strange/socially awkward. And with the exception of "1.5" colleagues nobody's interested in discussing books/films etc. or even listening to my own story ideas (which, I acknowledge, would come off rather pretentious and self-absorbed but others are also mainly focussed on themselves by pouring out holiday or drinking stories, which I don't care about one bit - so there's that). 

On the dating front, I've basically given up since women do expect experienced, confident men (as they should) and I'm mostly overlooked in everyday workplace conversations by said females who seem to be perceptive when it comes to my many insecurities. Also, relationships simply don't seem feasible because I'd either have to lie about my lack of experience and thereby doom the relationship from the get-go or be candid and get rejected instantly. 

My parents (whom I still care about deeply - at least, my mother … but let's not get into that here) live around 2000 km away from me, my few friends from high school and university at least 600 km. And I feel like leaving my current workplace. But choosing a city only in accordance with reduced travel duration towards said friends is also an immature shackle I'm weighing myself down with, isn't it? 

Sorry for the rambling nature of this post. Maybe it fits better under "loneliness"?

I'm not certain what I'd expect in terms of answers here. Maybe just some general input on whether I should keep trying to change anything or basically accept my fate and let time run through me and life pass me by. It's possible I'm waiting for that "House M.D." epiphany the titular character always gets out of random conversations.
Reply
#2
"Truly" depressed people? Who decides what is real depression and what isn't? Everyone is depressed at some point in their lives. Maybe it's minor depression and maybe it's full blown can't be assed to get out of bed depression. One does not mean that the other is not real or less. So no, it doesn't matter what you do and don't do, what you can force yourself to do and what you can't, depression is depression. It's not a competition, even though some would like to make it one. One person's pain is not comparable to another's because you don't know what is going on in any one else's mind but your own. Just look at people like Robin Williams. He didn't look depressed, did he? He was immensely successful and popular, but still he was depressed enough to take his own life. So no, "true" depression doesn't equate to not being able to force yourself out of bed.

Okay, sorry about that tirade, it's not directed at you, just the world in general.

Next tirade, though likely a shorter one is the dating crap. Confidence is important, yes, but not being 100% confident doesn't rule out anything. Experience is overrated. Honestly, it would be refreshing to date someone who doesn't have much (or any) experience, because it will not be about a competition of past relationships and there won't be this stigma of being more or better or the whole rebound thing or whatever. All that really matters is you being yourself to the right person. The right person won't care about any of that other shit. But, you have to put yourself out there and stop being so hard on yourself. Don't give up. Take some time, redirect your focus to fixing whatever you don't like about yourself and try again. Oh, and dump the negativity, that is likely more the cause of your lack of dating than your lack of experience.

How long have you lived where you live now? Have you attempted to get friends? Joined clubs, volunteer, find clubs, etc etc?

Change yourself only for yourself, not for anyone else. Never "accept your fate" because that's bullshit. Your fate is whatever you decide it is, so what do you want your fate to be? Tomorrow is a new day, tomorrow is a new chance, take a risk or twenty.

Oh and welcome to the forum. lol
Want to talk?  Check out the CHAT ROOM 
[Image: 17vcow.jpg]
Reply
#3
Was about to post in response to op but everything I wanted to say was already said by callies post. Damn girl, you dropped some wisdom! 😁

Seriously though, I would recommend some volunteer to get you out of your own head for a bit. Which would also help with the negativity. 

I actually used to be pretty negative myself during my teens, all angsty and junk 😊😎 and let me tell you, people respond to the aura you project. So if you project a negative aura, people will respond accordingly. Might be something you wanna look into.

Oh and btw, I am a 26 year old virgin myself 😁. More of a personal policy but still.

Oh and its called "High-functioning Depression". That's the one where you exhibit some of the symptoms while still managing to operate day to day.

Welcome to the forum, ma dude.
Reply
#4
Welcome ❤️
[Image: tenor.gif]
Reply
#5
I feel like truly accepting a negative situation and "giving up" can sometimes make room for necessary change to come into your life without you having to force it.

As for not having any experience, talk about it only if it comes up, and don't apologize for it. The right person will understand.
Reply
#6
Hey man, I think you might be over thinking things a bit.
The saying is "paralysis by analysis"--it's when one spends so much time analyzing all possible negative outcomes that you chose inaction. I really encourage you to just take some chances. People will let you down and surprise you; but they'll never surprise you if you never take any chances with them.
Consider therapy too, a professional will only help you navigate these waters.
Reply
#7
virgin is pure virgin is joy
must be me right?  Cool

Reply
#8
(11-12-2019, 09:54 AM)TheRealCallie Wrote: "Truly" depressed people?  Who decides what is real depression and what isn't?  Everyone is depressed at some point in their lives.  Maybe it's minor depression and maybe it's full blown can't be assed to get out of bed depression.  One does not mean that the other is not real or less.  So no, it doesn't matter what you do and don't do, what you can force yourself to do and what you can't, depression is depression.  It's not a competition, even though some would like to make it one.  One person's pain is not comparable to another's because you don't know what is going on in any one else's mind but your own.  Just look at people like Robin Williams.  He didn't look depressed, did he?  He was immensely successful and popular, but still he was depressed enough to take his own life.  So no, "true" depression doesn't equate to not being able to force yourself out of bed.

Okay, sorry about that tirade, it's not directed at you, just the world in general.  

Next tirade, though likely a shorter one is the dating crap.  Confidence is  important, yes, but not being 100% confident doesn't rule out anything.  Experience is overrated.  Honestly, it would be refreshing to date someone who doesn't have much (or any) experience, because it will not be about a competition of past relationships and there won't be this stigma of being more or better or the whole rebound thing or whatever.  All that really matters is you being yourself to the right person.  The right person won't care about any of that other shit.  But, you have to put yourself out there and stop being so hard on yourself.  Don't give up.  Take some time, redirect your focus to fixing whatever you don't like about yourself and try again.  Oh, and dump the negativity, that is likely more the cause of your lack of dating than your lack of experience.  

How long have you lived where you live now?  Have you attempted to get friends?  Joined clubs, volunteer, find clubs, etc etc?  

Change yourself only for yourself, not for anyone else.  Never "accept your fate" because that's bullshit.  Your fate is whatever you decide it is, so what do you want your fate to be?  Tomorrow is a new day, tomorrow is a new chance, take a risk or twenty.

Oh and welcome to the forum. lol

Thanks for the Robin Williams comparison. It has been somewhat eye-opening, yet in hindsight also quite obvious that depression - just like any mental health issue, really - comes in its own unique package. Although, I certainly wouldn't put myself in the same league as this comedic giant, it has occurred to me that I'm unconsciously assuming a persona in front of students, which has most of them enjoy my lessons quite a bit and consider me to be at least bearable. But I'm overcompensating, aren't I? Since I'm completely incapable of keeping up the same kind of pretense when interacting with most of my colleagues. Maybe it's because I keep at the front of my mind that they're leading 'normal lives', have been accepted, loved and cherished for whoever they are - and I have utterly failed on that front. Or maybe my cool teacher act is simply to exhausting to maintain all throughout the day. 

I'm also grateful for that fresh perspective on dating - although still unsure how to actually implement it. Should I be upfront about it, not ,ention it at all or even lie when the topic's brought up in case everything else lines up perfectly with that special someone? (I'm probably asking rhetorically, towards the ether, and no one in particular). 

One funny about the changing myself part: whatever I tend to pick up to improve myself (lately, juggling and the guitar) tends to feel like a deliberate distraction from my misery instead of an enriching experience. Does that mean that I've 'successfully' poisoned my mind across all those years of belittling myself, or do you think I could remedy the situation somehow, gain a new perspective, through an unheard-of approach, such as your Robin Williams comparison? I have to admit, although I remain rather despondent overall, it's an intriguing prospect to delve deeper into my own psyche and at least Inch closer to the root cause of it all (possibly).

(11-12-2019, 10:14 AM)Sunless Sky Wrote: Was about to post in response to op but everything I wanted to say was already said by callies post. Damn girl, you dropped some wisdom! 😁

Seriously though, I would recommend some volunteer to get you out of your own head for a bit. Which would also help with the negativity. 

I actually used to be pretty negative myself during my teens, all angsty and junk 😊😎 and let me tell you, people respond to the aura you project. So if you project a negative aura, people will respond accordingly. Might be something you wanna look into.

Oh and btw, I am a 26 year old virgin myself 😁. More of a personal policy but still.

Oh and its called "High-functioning Depression". That's the one where you exhibit some of the symptoms while still managing to operate day to day.

Welcome to the forum, ma dude.

Thanks for the Input. I already tried helping out at an animal shelter. But the staff seemed more dismissive and annoyed at my overly eager attendance, so I stepped away from that for a while. But I'll be looking into soup kitchens and such. Or do you have any more suggestions of the kind?

Did you overcome your issues by volunteering amongst other activities? 

Thanks for the correction. I made a wrong correlation from "functional fitness", I guess. But doesn't really matter. 

I do feel welcome here, ma gal. Thank you!
Reply
#9
(11-12-2019, 07:52 PM)SpiffyPanda Wrote: I feel like truly accepting a negative situation and "giving up" can sometimes make room for necessary change to come into your life without you having to force it.

As for not having any experience, talk about it only if it comes up, and don't apologize for it. The right person will understand.

A very Zen approach, I like it. Not too dissimilar to an addict's need to admit to their issue in the first place. Just to clarify: would that be external change since I no longer close myself off, or some kind of epiphany on my part - something I refused to acknowledge up until now? I'm not trying to get a psychic reading for free here, just hoping to understand your point of view a little better. 

Not sure / optimistic about that last bit, though.

(11-13-2019, 12:37 PM)SirBacon Wrote: Hey man, I think you might be over thinking things a bit.
The saying is "paralysis by analysis"--it's when one spends so much time analyzing all possible negative outcomes that you chose inaction.  I really encourage you to just take some chances.  People will let you down and surprise you; but they'll never surprise you if you never take any chances with them.
Consider therapy too, a professional will only help you navigate these waters.

I'll give it a shot. Thanks. 

And yeah, that outlines my mindset down to a tee. Failure though inaction due to the unwillingness to face / risk failure in the first place. But the few times I did try, I also got rejected, so that doesn't help my track record of taking chances.

(11-14-2019, 01:13 AM)lookatbrightside Wrote: virgin is pure virgin is joy

Pardon me? Are you actively mocking me?
Reply
#10
(11-20-2019, 04:35 AM)Thanks for the Input. I already tried helping out at an animal shelter. But the staff seemed more dismissive and annoyed at my overly eager attendance, so I stepped away from that for a while. But I\ll be looking into soup kitchens and such. Or do you have any more suggestions of the kind? Wrote: Did you overcome your issues by volunteering amongst other activities? 

Thanks for the correction. I made a wrong correlation from "functional fitness", I guess. But doesn't really matter. 

I do feel welcome here, ma gal. Thank you!

I am currently volunteering in a service for lonely people where you keep a client company for an hour or so once a week. The service is designed for lonely and isolated people to connect to someone and have a fun conversation every now and again. It seems perfect since I know exactly how soul crushing it can be to be truly alone. I am sure, if you look, you can find something you enjoy volunteering in. The key is to do something you care about. The positive energy you project will then attract people to you. 

I didnt overcome my issues per se but I am getting better than I was before. 

Oh and "gal"?... Last time I checked I was a dude 😁.
*pulls down pants*... Yep, still is 😇
Reply


Possibly Related Threads...
Thread Author Replies Views Last Post
  More depressed 😔 MissBehave 25 3,058 07-12-2020, 11:50 PM
Last Post: Finished
Shy Depressed and anxious about going back home Baka 11 2,615 01-10-2019, 10:34 AM
Last Post: Phantimos
  why im depressed, some reasons (long) opex100 8 1,931 01-04-2019, 09:11 AM
Last Post: opex100
  lonely and depressed MagicalMaryann 3 1,582 11-16-2018, 01:09 AM
Last Post: Danielle
  Is it a crutch or am I depressed and what can I do about it? Joturbo 3 2,017 08-18-2018, 02:50 AM
Last Post: Outlook2018
  I miss the way life was when I was extremely depressed. Naizo 4 1,826 06-17-2018, 07:41 AM
Last Post: tone303
  I'm one rotten, depressed kid. Wasside 13 4,315 02-14-2018, 05:38 AM
Last Post: Wasside
  Feel depressed about this problem TheAnxiousPain 3 2,072 11-28-2017, 04:48 PM
Last Post: GizmonicScrewdriver
  Depressed because life is not what I have expected - no GF / less friend contact GrayAndLonesome 3 4,225 07-18-2016, 09:05 AM
Last Post: VanillaCreme
  Depressed failure, anemic, , and full of hate breadbasket 10 4,832 04-18-2016, 08:55 AM
Last Post: Paraiyar

Forum Jump:


Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)