Truly depressed?

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lite_wait

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Hey there, 

correct me if I'm wrong but aren't "truly" depressed people incapable of even getting up in the morning on time since they consider it pointless? If that definition holds true, it wouldn't apply to me since I've been a school teacher for more than five years now. Or does that simply mean that there is such a thing as "functional depression", namely the ability to still hold down a job / fool yourself into believing that not all the ships have sailed yet, so to say? 

I'm a 34 year old male virgin who has successfully come up with excuses to dodge relationships due to the fact that I lived at home (during university) till age 27 and then jumped around all over the country so that I'm now part of a staff in which I obviously feel like the odd one out since nearly everybody's taken/married/married with children and I have nothing of substance to contribute, which makes even hanging out in the teacher's lounge excruciatingly uncomfortable because I'm well aware that my retreat into myself while others are sharing anecdotes is considered either arrogant or strange/socially awkward. And with the exception of "1.5" colleagues nobody's interested in discussing books/films etc. or even listening to my own story ideas (which, I acknowledge, would come off rather pretentious and self-absorbed but others are also mainly focussed on themselves by pouring out holiday or drinking stories, which I don't care about one bit - so there's that). 

On the dating front, I've basically given up since women do expect experienced, confident men (as they should) and I'm mostly overlooked in everyday workplace conversations by said females who seem to be perceptive when it comes to my many insecurities. Also, relationships simply don't seem feasible because I'd either have to lie about my lack of experience and thereby doom the relationship from the get-go or be candid and get rejected instantly. 

My parents (whom I still care about deeply - at least, my mother … but let's not get into that here) live around 2000 km away from me, my few friends from high school and university at least 600 km. And I feel like leaving my current workplace. But choosing a city only in accordance with reduced travel duration towards said friends is also an immature shackle I'm weighing myself down with, isn't it? 

Sorry for the rambling nature of this post. Maybe it fits better under "loneliness"?

I'm not certain what I'd expect in terms of answers here. Maybe just some general input on whether I should keep trying to change anything or basically accept my fate and let time run through me and life pass me by. It's possible I'm waiting for that "House M.D." epiphany the titular character always gets out of random conversations.
 
"Truly" depressed people? Who decides what is real depression and what isn't? Everyone is depressed at some point in their lives. Maybe it's minor depression and maybe it's full blown can't be assed to get out of bed depression. One does not mean that the other is not real or less. So no, it doesn't matter what you do and don't do, what you can force yourself to do and what you can't, depression is depression. It's not a competition, even though some would like to make it one. One person's pain is not comparable to another's because you don't know what is going on in any one else's mind but your own. Just look at people like Robin Williams. He didn't look depressed, did he? He was immensely successful and popular, but still he was depressed enough to take his own life. So no, "true" depression doesn't equate to not being able to force yourself out of bed.

Okay, sorry about that tirade, it's not directed at you, just the world in general.

Next tirade, though likely a shorter one is the dating crap. Confidence is important, yes, but not being 100% confident doesn't rule out anything. Experience is overrated. Honestly, it would be refreshing to date someone who doesn't have much (or any) experience, because it will not be about a competition of past relationships and there won't be this stigma of being more or better or the whole rebound thing or whatever. All that really matters is you being yourself to the right person. The right person won't care about any of that other honeysuckle. But, you have to put yourself out there and stop being so hard on yourself. Don't give up. Take some time, redirect your focus to fixing whatever you don't like about yourself and try again. Oh, and dump the negativity, that is likely more the cause of your lack of dating than your lack of experience.

How long have you lived where you live now? Have you attempted to get friends? Joined clubs, volunteer, find clubs, etc etc?

Change yourself only for yourself, not for anyone else. Never "accept your fate" because that's bullshit. Your fate is whatever you decide it is, so what do you want your fate to be? Tomorrow is a new day, tomorrow is a new chance, take a risk or twenty.

Oh and welcome to the forum. lol
 
Was about to post in response to op but everything I wanted to say was already said by callies post. **** girl, you dropped some wisdom! 😁

Seriously though, I would recommend some volunteer to get you out of your own head for a bit. Which would also help with the negativity. 

I actually used to be pretty negative myself during my teens, all angsty and junk 😊😎 and let me tell you, people respond to the aura you project. So if you project a negative aura, people will respond accordingly. Might be something you wanna look into.

Oh and btw, I am a 26 year old virgin myself 😁. More of a personal policy but still.

Oh and its called "High-functioning Depression". That's the one where you exhibit some of the symptoms while still managing to operate day to day.

Welcome to the forum, ma dude.
 
I feel like truly accepting a negative situation and "giving up" can sometimes make room for necessary change to come into your life without you having to force it.

As for not having any experience, talk about it only if it comes up, and don't apologize for it. The right person will understand.
 
Hey man, I think you might be over thinking things a bit.
The saying is "paralysis by analysis"--it's when one spends so much time analyzing all possible negative outcomes that you chose inaction. I really encourage you to just take some chances. People will let you down and surprise you; but they'll never surprise you if you never take any chances with them.
Consider therapy too, a professional will only help you navigate these waters.
 
TheRealCallie said:
"Truly" depressed people?  Who decides what is real depression and what isn't?  Everyone is depressed at some point in their lives.  Maybe it's minor depression and maybe it's full blown can't be assed to get out of bed depression.  One does not mean that the other is not real or less.  So no, it doesn't matter what you do and don't do, what you can force yourself to do and what you can't, depression is depression.  It's not a competition, even though some would like to make it one.  One person's pain is not comparable to another's because you don't know what is going on in any one else's mind but your own.  Just look at people like Robin Williams.  He didn't look depressed, did he?  He was immensely successful and popular, but still he was depressed enough to take his own life.  So no, "true" depression doesn't equate to not being able to force yourself out of bed.

Okay, sorry about that tirade, it's not directed at you, just the world in general.  

Next tirade, though likely a shorter one is the dating crap.  Confidence is  important, yes, but not being 100% confident doesn't rule out anything.  Experience is overrated.  Honestly, it would be refreshing to date someone who doesn't have much (or any) experience, because it will not be about a competition of past relationships and there won't be this stigma of being more or better or the whole rebound thing or whatever.  All that really matters is you being yourself to the right person.  The right person won't care about any of that other honeysuckle.  But, you have to put yourself out there and stop being so hard on yourself.  Don't give up.  Take some time, redirect your focus to fixing whatever you don't like about yourself and try again.  Oh, and dump the negativity, that is likely more the cause of your lack of dating than your lack of experience.  

How long have you lived where you live now?  Have you attempted to get friends?  Joined clubs, volunteer, find clubs, etc etc?  

Change yourself only for yourself, not for anyone else.  Never "accept your fate" because that's bullshit.  Your fate is whatever you decide it is, so what do you want your fate to be?  Tomorrow is a new day, tomorrow is a new chance, take a risk or twenty.

Oh and welcome to the forum. lol

Thanks for the Robin Williams comparison. It has been somewhat eye-opening, yet in hindsight also quite obvious that depression - just like any mental health issue, really - comes in its own unique package. Although, I certainly wouldn't put myself in the same league as this comedic giant, it has occurred to me that I'm unconsciously assuming a persona in front of students, which has most of them enjoy my lessons quite a bit and consider me to be at least bearable. But I'm overcompensating, aren't I? Since I'm completely incapable of keeping up the same kind of pretense when interacting with most of my colleagues. Maybe it's because I keep at the front of my mind that they're leading 'normal lives', have been accepted, loved and cherished for whoever they are - and I have utterly failed on that front. Or maybe my cool teacher act is simply to exhausting to maintain all throughout the day. 

I'm also grateful for that fresh perspective on dating - although still unsure how to actually implement it. Should I be upfront about it, not ,ention it at all or even lie when the topic's brought up in case everything else lines up perfectly with that special someone? (I'm probably asking rhetorically, towards the ether, and no one in particular). 

One funny about the changing myself part: whatever I tend to pick up to improve myself (lately, juggling and the guitar) tends to feel like a deliberate distraction from my misery instead of an enriching experience. Does that mean that I've 'successfully' poisoned my mind across all those years of belittling myself, or do you think I could remedy the situation somehow, gain a new perspective, through an unheard-of approach, such as your Robin Williams comparison? I have to admit, although I remain rather despondent overall, it's an intriguing prospect to delve deeper into my own psyche and at least Inch closer to the root cause of it all (possibly).


Sunless Sky said:
Was about to post in response to op but everything I wanted to say was already said by callies post. **** girl, you dropped some wisdom! 😁

Seriously though, I would recommend some volunteer to get you out of your own head for a bit. Which would also help with the negativity. 

I actually used to be pretty negative myself during my teens, all angsty and junk 😊😎 and let me tell you, people respond to the aura you project. So if you project a negative aura, people will respond accordingly. Might be something you wanna look into.

Oh and btw, I am a 26 year old virgin myself 😁. More of a personal policy but still.

Oh and its called "High-functioning Depression". That's the one where you exhibit some of the symptoms while still managing to operate day to day.

Welcome to the forum, ma dude.

Thanks for the Input. I already tried helping out at an animal shelter. But the staff seemed more dismissive and annoyed at my overly eager attendance, so I stepped away from that for a while. But I'll be looking into soup kitchens and such. Or do you have any more suggestions of the kind?

Did you overcome your issues by volunteering amongst other activities? 

Thanks for the correction. I made a wrong correlation from "functional fitness", I guess. But doesn't really matter. 

I do feel welcome here, ma gal. Thank you!
 
SpiffyPanda said:
I feel like truly accepting a negative situation and "giving up" can sometimes make room for necessary change to come into your life without you having to force it.

As for not having any experience, talk about it only if it comes up, and don't apologize for it. The right person will understand.

A very Zen approach, I like it. Not too dissimilar to an addict's need to admit to their issue in the first place. Just to clarify: would that be external change since I no longer close myself off, or some kind of epiphany on my part - something I refused to acknowledge up until now? I'm not trying to get a psychic reading for free here, just hoping to understand your point of view a little better. 

Not sure / optimistic about that last bit, though.


SirBacon said:
Hey man, I think you might be over thinking things a bit.
The saying is "paralysis by analysis"--it's when one spends so much time analyzing all possible negative outcomes that you chose inaction.  I really encourage you to just take some chances.  People will let you down and surprise you; but they'll never surprise you if you never take any chances with them.
Consider therapy too, a professional will only help you navigate these waters.

I'll give it a shot. Thanks. 

And yeah, that outlines my mindset down to a tee. Failure though inaction due to the unwillingness to face / risk failure in the first place. But the few times I did try, I also got rejected, so that doesn't help my track record of taking chances.


lookatbrightside said:
virgin is pure virgin is joy

Pardon me? Are you actively mocking me?
 
Thanks for the Input. I already tried helping out at an animal shelter. But the staff seemed more dismissive and annoyed at my overly eager attendance said:
Did you overcome your issues by volunteering amongst other activities? 

Thanks for the correction. I made a wrong correlation from "functional fitness", I guess. But doesn't really matter. 

I do feel welcome here, ma gal. Thank you!

I am currently volunteering in a service for lonely people where you keep a client company for an hour or so once a week. The service is designed for lonely and isolated people to connect to someone and have a fun conversation every now and again. It seems perfect since I know exactly how soul crushing it can be to be truly alone. I am sure, if you look, you can find something you enjoy volunteering in. The key is to do something you care about. The positive energy you project will then attract people to you. 

I didnt overcome my issues per se but I am getting better than I was before. 

Oh and "gal"?... Last time I checked I was a dude 😁.
*pulls down pants*... Yep, still is 😇
 
lite_wait said:
SpiffyPanda said:
I feel like truly accepting a negative situation and "giving up" can sometimes make room for necessary change to come into your life without you having to force it.

As for not having any experience, talk about it only if it comes up, and don't apologize for it. The right person will understand.

A very Zen approach, I like it. Not too dissimilar to an addict's need to admit to their issue in the first place. Just to clarify: would that be external change since I no longer close myself off, or some kind of epiphany on my part - something I refused to acknowledge up until now? I'm not trying to get a psychic reading for free here, just hoping to understand your point of view a little better. 

Not sure / optimistic about that last bit, though.


SirBacon said:
Hey man, I think you might be over thinking things a bit.
The saying is "paralysis by analysis"--it's when one spends so much time analyzing all possible negative outcomes that you chose inaction.  I really encourage you to just take some chances.  People will let you down and surprise you; but they'll never surprise you if you never take any chances with them.
Consider therapy too, a professional will only help you navigate these waters.

I'll give it a shot. Thanks. 

And yeah, that outlines my mindset down to a tee. Failure though inaction due to the unwillingness to face / risk failure in the first place. But the few times I did try, I also got rejected, so that doesn't help my track record of taking chances.


lookatbrightside said:
virgin is pure virgin is joy

Pardon me? Are you actively mocking me?




no, i don't mocked you. i write as it is from my perspective.
 
lite_wait said:
TheRealCallie said:
"Truly" depressed people?  Who decides what is real depression and what isn't?  Everyone is depressed at some point in their lives.  Maybe it's minor depression and maybe it's full blown can't be assed to get out of bed depression.  One does not mean that the other is not real or less.  So no, it doesn't matter what you do and don't do, what you can force yourself to do and what you can't, depression is depression.  It's not a competition, even though some would like to make it one.  One person's pain is not comparable to another's because you don't know what is going on in any one else's mind but your own.  Just look at people like Robin Williams.  He didn't look depressed, did he?  He was immensely successful and popular, but still he was depressed enough to take his own life.  So no, "true" depression doesn't equate to not being able to force yourself out of bed.

Okay, sorry about that tirade, it's not directed at you, just the world in general.  

Next tirade, though likely a shorter one is the dating crap.  Confidence is  important, yes, but not being 100% confident doesn't rule out anything.  Experience is overrated.  Honestly, it would be refreshing to date someone who doesn't have much (or any) experience, because it will not be about a competition of past relationships and there won't be this stigma of being more or better or the whole rebound thing or whatever.  All that really matters is you being yourself to the right person.  The right person won't care about any of that other honeysuckle.  But, you have to put yourself out there and stop being so hard on yourself.  Don't give up.  Take some time, redirect your focus to fixing whatever you don't like about yourself and try again.  Oh, and dump the negativity, that is likely more the cause of your lack of dating than your lack of experience.  

How long have you lived where you live now?  Have you attempted to get friends?  Joined clubs, volunteer, find clubs, etc etc?  

Change yourself only for yourself, not for anyone else.  Never "accept your fate" because that's bullshit.  Your fate is whatever you decide it is, so what do you want your fate to be?  Tomorrow is a new day, tomorrow is a new chance, take a risk or twenty.

Oh and welcome to the forum. lol

Thanks for the Robin Williams comparison. It has been somewhat eye-opening, yet in hindsight also quite obvious that depression - just like any mental health issue, really - comes in its own unique package. Although, I certainly wouldn't put myself in the same league as this comedic giant, it has occurred to me that I'm unconsciously assuming a persona in front of students, which has most of them enjoy my lessons quite a bit and consider me to be at least bearable. But I'm overcompensating, aren't I? Since I'm completely incapable of keeping up the same kind of pretense when interacting with most of my colleagues. Maybe it's because I keep at the front of my mind that they're leading 'normal lives', have been accepted, loved and cherished for whoever they are - and I have utterly failed on that front. Or maybe my cool teacher act is simply to exhausting to maintain all throughout the day. 

I'm also grateful for that fresh perspective on dating - although still unsure how to actually implement it. Should I be upfront about it, not ,ention it at all or even lie when the topic's brought up in case everything else lines up perfectly with that special someone? (I'm probably asking rhetorically, towards the ether, and no one in particular). 

One funny about the changing myself part: whatever I tend to pick up to improve myself (lately, juggling and the guitar) tends to feel like a deliberate distraction from my misery instead of an enriching experience. Does that mean that I've 'successfully' poisoned my mind across all those years of belittling myself, or do you think I could remedy the situation somehow, gain a new perspective, through an unheard-of approach, such as your Robin Williams comparison? I have to admit, although I remain rather despondent overall, it's an intriguing prospect to delve deeper into my own psyche and at least Inch closer to the root cause of it all (possibly).

To be fair, I think most teachers put on a persona in front of students.  That's not always a bad thing and if it helps the kids, you should continue doing that, at least to some extent.  Kids can be hard to teach and if whatever you are doing is getting through to them, it can be helpful.  I have mad respect for teachers, I know what kind of kids you could potentially get and I know I definitely don't have the patience for teaching.  Now, I'm not saying continue to be completely not yourself.  A lot of times, the persona people choose is what they actually want to be, so try to find a way to bring yourself closer to that persona.  Fake til you make it can be helpful, but only if you are working to get yourself to the point where you don't have to fake it anymore.  As for your colleagues, do you know exactly how their lives are?  How can you be sure they aren't also putting on a front to hide what is really going on inside them?  They may have relationships, but that doesn't necessarily mean they are good relationships.  The English teacher could be verbally abused at home.  The Math teacher could spend every holiday alone because his/her family disowned them.  Yeah, those are extreme cases, but my point is that you don't know any more about their real lives than they know about yours. 

Should you be upfront about your lack of experience in dating?  Not really, it's not really their business until things get serious, and even then, I don't think you would have to spill all the details.  Unless your doubts start impacting the relationship, I don't see it as anything major that would make or break the relationship.  Should you lie about it?  Definitely not.  If asked point blank, tell them.  Again, you don't have to include all the details.  Just say you have little experience, which is not a lie.  Everyone has SOME experience, even if it's from watching other people's relationships or even taking it from friendships, which isn't much difference, except the lack of intimacy.  If they are "someone special" it won't matter to them.  If it does, they aren't all that special, right?

I think you may be overthinking the improving yourself area.  Stop thinking about what it may or may not be and give it an honest attempt.  It may not be the thing for you, it may just be a distraction, but distractions aren't usually a bad thing.  It takes time to retrain your brain to not hate yourself and what you do.  It takes time to get away from the doubt of everything you do.  I've been there and it is extremely hard work.  In the end, though, I can assure you it is very worth it.  Keep trying, Keep going.
 

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