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My girlfriend is new to relationships
#1
My girlfriend of a little over 6 months is new to relationships. When I say new, I mean I'm her first boyfriend ever. I'm 31 and she is 29. It's been difficult, she's not big into showing affection and is pretty awkward about the relationship stuff still. Basically all we do is hangout, which we both enjoy, but that's all it feels like sometimes. It doesn't feel like we are really building a relationship. I'm starting to feel like I'm the first boyfriend experience, and I'm bound for the first relationship catastrophe as well. Any advice? I wouldn't need any, but I've never dated someone who has never dated before, so even though I'm taking it slow and trying to recall how my first relationship experience was, I wasn't a sheltered kid with a strict family background as she was. I'm outta my depth here.


"A strong sword can only be forged through fire."

"Whats done, is done."
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#2
If she had a strict upbringing, I don't think it would matter if she had other relationships or not. She is reserved and holds back because of how she was raised. Give her time and talk to her if you are concerned.
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#3
Not having a relationship by age 30 makes this person very dysfunctional. Find a good therapist, talk it through, be honest what you want so you're not wasting your or her time.
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#4
(11-16-2019, 04:40 AM)Aldeb Wrote: Not having a relationship by age 30 makes this person very dysfunctional.

No it doesn't.  You don't know her story or why she hasn't had a relationship, so let's not throw a label on her when you don't know anything about her.
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#5
(11-16-2019, 04:40 AM)Aldeb Wrote: Not having a relationship by age 30 makes this person very dysfunctional. Find a good therapist, talk it through, be honest what you want so you're not wasting your or her time.

Definitely not dysfunctional, most honest and well put together person I've ever met. Just not used to a romantic relationship.

(11-16-2019, 04:18 AM)TheRealCallie Wrote: If she had a strict upbringing, I don't think it would matter if she had other relationships or not.  She is reserved and holds back because of how she was raised.  Give her time and talk to her if you are concerned.

I do talk to her about it, but even though she understands where I'm coming from I think she just isn't ready.


"A strong sword can only be forged through fire."

"Whats done, is done."
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#6
It's abnormal. I'm thinking of one of several possibilities 1) she had a number of flings or one nighters but never anything stable, which is a definite red flag, or 2) she's so antisocial that she wouldn't date any guys in her teens and 20s or 3) she couldn't find anyone to date her, either because she didn't take care of herself or simply because she wasn't a natural looker. Or maybe her parents were insane/abusive, maybe she was molested and has an aversion to sex, maybe this, maybe that. Talk to her and find out about her past, we're just shooting in the dark.
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#7
^never having dated until your 30's or 40's is actually more normal than you think. I would read up a bit more about this. There are so many factors, even simple things like people working more hours and having less time for social activities due to rising economic standards/increased responsibilities etc.

Fustar, women from sheltered backgrounds need a lot of time, support and understanding in their first relationship. At 29, she may be having insecurities about whether she should do some things, be forward etc. She may be having guilt about certain aspects based on what was told to her growing up, and she may just not know what to do as all this is new to her. 

The bigger question is if you are ready to commit the time and patience. And of course be prepared for things to not work out...but that can happen with anyone, experienced partner or not.

If you are, then you may need to encourage her slowly. Normal things like holding hands...might want to start in privacy and then slowly build up to public places. As for emotionally opening up, this will take time. You may need to initiate more...talk about deeper topics, make the first move etc.

Hope this helps
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#8
(11-16-2019, 07:08 AM)Fustar Wrote:
(11-16-2019, 04:18 AM)TheRealCallie Wrote: If she had a strict upbringing, I don't think it would matter if she had other relationships or not.  She is reserved and holds back because of how she was raised.  Give her time and talk to her if you are concerned.

I do talk to her about it, but even though she understands where I'm coming from I think she just isn't ready.

Well, then you have the choice of respecting her decision or walking away.  I would give her some more time.  Let her get a feel for things.  If she was raised super religious, it is likely very hard for her to go against that.  She may not even have sex until she is married.  But yeah, I don't know the specifics of her upbringing, so I can't know for sure.  None of us can. 
Though, I will say relationship or not, she is no more or less dysfunctional or abnormal than anyone else.
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#9
Sounds like a mechanical approach.
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#10
(11-16-2019, 03:29 AM)Fustar Wrote: My girlfriend of a little over 6 months is new to relationships. When I say new, I mean I'm her first boyfriend ever. I'm 31 and she is 29. It's been difficult, she's not big into showing affection and is pretty awkward about the relationship stuff still. Basically all we do is hangout, which we both enjoy, but that's all it feels like sometimes. It doesn't feel like we are really building a relationship. I'm starting to feel like I'm the first boyfriend experience, and I'm bound for the first relationship catastrophe as well. Any advice? I wouldn't need any, but I've never dated someone who has never dated before, so even though I'm taking it slow and trying to recall how my first relationship experience was, I wasn't a sheltered kid with a strict family background as she was. I'm outta my depth here.

If you don't mind my asking, how did you meet her and end up in a relationship?
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