Unable to care

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M_also_lonely

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 18, 2014
Messages
998
Reaction score
108
Location
India
I simply don't care. This has been trending a lot recently, but I am not proud of the feeling I have. It isn't some sort of bragging.

1. I have already prepared my resignation at my job to prepare for an entrance test for a master's degree. The job is not easy to get, and one of the highest paying jobs in my field here. 

"Where the hell are the GA drawings that Mr. XYZ needs?", he yells at my face. Man! That is one bad breath. I am genuinely looking for a mouth freshener at his desk so that I can offer it to him. Oh yeah, he's telling me something, let's focus on that.

"I need it right now at my desk.", he continues.

I come back to my office, continue searching for a solution for the game I want to code. I should actually be preparing the documents he wants to be submitted to that Mr. XYZ.  

But I don't care. You know why? Because he never assigned me such a project. 

But I should have told him that. 

But why should I?  I simply don't care. 

I don't care if Mr. XYZ gets fined for not possessing the drawings he should have. 

I don't care if that boss of mine loses a client. And that is one difficult client to get. He's from the largest company of my country.

--------- And yeah, let me make this clear, my lack of care is not because of him or his rude behavior. It has to do with me. -------
I. Just.  Don't. Care. 

 What can I do? I am unable to. I try. But I fail. I don't feel empathy and responsibility that I should be feeling. But I don't want to feel it either. 
And that will apply to whatever job I do next.

I work hard. Like really hard. But it is hard work only when there's no heart put into it. Otherwise, its just a gameplay.

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2. For my entire life, they have hated me. Even bullied me. Some of you might know if you read my older posts. Yeah, I am talking about my sisters. Or basically, all the females in my LARGE family. What is it, an entire city? I probably have like, 50 sisters.... ? who the hell has 50 sisters?! 

Anyways, 
Things changed between us. They eventually accepted me as a part of their herd. Now we can eat grass in the fields together. 
But they took it too far. A permission to graze together is not an invitation to spam my Instagram and whatsapp with messages. 
Will you just stop?
Why are they all curious about my marriage? What is it with women, really? What is this obsession with having a wedding? A great monkey once said in one of his YouTube videos, that for women, marriage is the ultimate social orgasm. But guess what, I am not a woman.
If you really love weddings, get one or two of your own. See, I don't hate you or your nature at all, but all this man made procedure makes it a daunting task. And I don't even have to do much, since I am the groom. I simply have to be there and watch a week long event where everything is about her. And even if there was something for men in a wedding, I would still not be interested. 
And no, I don't have a girlfriend, stop asking. Taking her for shopping? Listening to her problems? Sounds like too much burden to bear. 

I know very well how you preach and practice differently. On one side, you pressure me to get married, because you know, that your fellow females from our culture don't marry us once we are past 'that' age, while telling me that age doesn't matter, but your character does. 

I think I know their sudden rise of interest in this. I have all the prerequisites for becoming a husband. Money, status, etc. Looks are out of the picture, our race doesn't have that, everyone knows. 

[Random fact] I don't feel bad about how I look though. Those days are gone.

And you don't want a marriage. You want a wedding. You want my wedding. Where you can dress up, take photos, express your instinct and thus flaunt your beauty to your Instagram audience. I know the joy of celebrating unnecessary things. See I don't mind you having that. If that makes you happy. But why should I ruin my life for that? 
I don't even mind ruining my life for your short term pleasures, but its all too tedious. The procedure is too long. 

It is so much fun to just play games on cheat mode and write code all Sunday. Its great to forget to take a bath and then take it in the noon. Its so much fun to wear loose clothes which are not attractive, but man those are comfortable. 
And yeah, eating an ice cream in winter and knowingly falling sick so that I don't have to give a flying fresia about anything. Watching Davie504, Impractical jokers and The family guy, resting on the bed. That one is the best, except the feeling sick part. 

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3. I really don't know whether that cousin of mine got married or not. I can't ask either. What was that event we attended recently at his place? It was probably a baby shower of his elder brother's newborn. HOLD ON, he is going to have a son? when did HE get married? I don't care about that, but Did I just miss a week worth of fancy, free dinners and lunches?
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4.  After 3 years of work, I developed a smart tea machine that caters to a specific need of the locals. 

These VCs should be banned. They are the greatest party poopers.

"There are so many companies in this world, why have none of them made it if its such a great product acc. to you?"
Me during the pitch, "Maybe that is something you need to ask them."  
Because I am tired of hearing that non sense question. 

"What if they copy your product, they'll be able to manufacture it better and cheaper than you."

0.5 seconds and I pack my bag, and start to leave. I once did the same in an interview also. 😂😂 Dude, by your logic, all indie innovation should stop. 

I know that I am supposed to answer from a list of acceptable answers on that blog of yours. But if you just want that answer, go home and read your blog. Why should I tell you something that you wrote yourself? 
Is this really how you think you should test skills?

Audience, jury, my team, everyone starts mumbling. Wait, there's audience? 600 of them? I thought that was just an empty, dark hall. Atleast have some lights on the audience side, this is not some movie.

He goes, "Wait, where are you going? What's happening?"
Me: "See, I don't need your money."

I am basically making a loss by taking his money because the amount of brain I am losing is of more value than what he's offering me. Simple math. 
Go invest in those wannabe Gary Vaynerchucks. Those Digital Marketing and web developer startups who call themselves innovators. and world changers. 
Digital Marketing. It sounds like an integration of all the boredom in the world. I don't even want to type it. Simply the word drains all of my energy. 

Mentor: [that typical WTF question]
Me: "See, this is the rest of your team. Go ahead with them. Steal my innovation.  (I know they are too dumb to do so.)  But this is too much."
----
Screw the problem of the locals, I don't care. Life is hard, there will be problems, get over it. 
See, I don't hate you, I worked for 3 years to develop this so that your community could have it. 
But it's those stereotypical VCs who ruined it all. Go blame them.
________________________

5. I am not preparing for the exam for which I am leaving my job. I don't feel lazy. But I don't feel interested. I really don't want to burden my brain by memorizing Maxwell's Thermodynamic Relations. I don't care about Nusselt number or Grashof or Prandtl number. I think 1-10 are the best numbers. Numbers without a burden. Numbers of non VC people. 😂😂
Prandtl? what kind of name is that? Is the "T" and "L" necessary, how do they make your name better? Is that some sort of pranktl you're playing with us?


If I don't pass this test, I have played a horrible game with my career. The only option left would be to go to the US and join the herd of my people, get a fake accent, work in some store, pretending to care about the customers all day.
But I don't want to go to US for a master's degree, I don't like their toilets, that's why.

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I could go on. But yeah, that's what's going on.
And I am not feeling something negative either. Just an absence of something I should have. No loneliness, but no complete solitude.

I don't have friends. But I don't need them. I wouldn't mind having a few either. Anything would do. 

There's no depression. But no enthusiasm. 
No hatred, but no love. 
No passion, no bliss, no excitement. No misery. Nothing.
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