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So I've gotten to a point now where the lines between me wanting to get better, accepting the likelihood of me doing so is getting lower with time and not even wanting to try anymore because life has been me trying and failing since as far back as I can remember and I'm honestly just tired.

I have never really been able to function normally, basic life has always been difficult, the only way I made it through school was through a mix of self-harm and suicide attempts and the idea of living the rest of my life like that is... :')

Everyone is telling me to stay positive, I just need a push in the right direction, I need to keep going... and I just wanna be like no, I don't want to anymore. I've been trying so hard for so long and I never get anything out of it lol

I'm sick of being pushed, it isn't getting easier, when I did start to feel like things were getting better I self-harmed my way through it, surprise surprise, I just didn't tell anyone that was the only reason why. I can't function and I never have been able to.

I'm just tired. I don't really know why I wanted to post this, I'll probably read if there are any replies but I usually write a response to the comments and delete it before I post bc I feel too worthless tbh and I'll just say something really stupid that adds nothing to the conversation probably so all I'm gonna say is AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

ty for reading this is a mess I'll regret it later-
Sometimes you just need to let out a good scream.
Sickos never scare me. Least they're committed.  
Never Give Up!  Never Surrender!

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it's a good thing you don't let the stress out to others like projecting your pain to other person like narcissist.
must be me right?  Cool

It won't be "easier" and "better" until you make it over at least half of your hurdles. But, when you get there, you will see how worth it it really is. Yes, it's hard. Yes, you'll want to give up, but keep going anyway. Find something to do, find a new outlet so that you aren't self harming. Or at least one that isn't as bad as what you were doing. Get a punching bag and beat the shit out of it instead of beating the shit out of yourself. It's actually a really good way to get frustrations and emotions out.

And stop thinking your words and feeling don't matter. They do. You aren't worthless, your words aren't worthless. q
Want to talk?  Check out the CHAT ROOM 
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Hellostarlight, I've read this along with your other posts and acquired an appreciation for your struggle in life.  I won't pretend to understand the reasons, since serious depression or anxiety can involve a multitude of complex medical or psychological factors.  Some of these can be helped with drug or analyst therapy, but I trust that you've explored these avenues pretty thoroughly by now and found no clear solution or improvement.

I understand you're getting tired of even trying after too many years of various efforts.  Personally, I can't imagine living such a life, though I see my own sister facing similar severe depression - not wanting to live, suggesting suicide, and just enduring each miserable day with no happiness, hope, or purpose in life.   It's a sad state to see in someone you love, but she won't change her life or environment in order to save it.  Will you?

It takes knowledge, strength, and encouragement to make significant improvements in one's life.  I don't know you well enough to suggest what home, work, physical or social changes would help most in your case, but I can say that going it alone with no clear direction, goal or help is not a road to success.

At age 22, you apparently haven't found a career path that excites you, no relationships that help fulfill you, and no other worldly pursuits that give you a purpose for each day - and a needed meaning to life.  Admittedly, most of us do get consumed with such affairs and manage to function well and enjoy life, but being busy and happy isn't the ultimate goal either.  So what is?

A Christian perspective is to recognize that we were created by God for a purpose in life - not just to be happy, have fun, or waste the time here.  Our short temporary time here is to be used well in preparation for the eternal life that lies ahead.  Consider life here as a training ground for what's to come.  And since the final determination of our eternal souls rests upon the decisions and actions we take in this life, there's really nothing more important for a person to focus on.
Not everyone agrees with such a notion of course; they want to rule their own lives, be their own gods, and pursue immediate pleasure for themselves. Only time will prove them wrong with their poor choices, but I'll remind you here and now of this: our entire purpose in life is first, to know and love the Lord more each day, and second, to love and care for others.  This takes time and effort and the person who pursues this seriously will find that it gives tremendous peace,  joy, and meaning to life.   And by focusing on God and others, our own deficiencies and problems become less relevant, less important, and more manageable.   It's a winning combination - knowing one's identity and purpose in life, having the Bible to help guide you through it, and feeling the ultimate love of your Creator.  Do you have this?  If so, then we have plenty to talk about in why things aren't working out better for you.  And if not.... hmmmm.  Maybe you need to give some thought and prayer on this numer one, most important issue that affects your entire life and outcome.

In either case, I have a half hour video to recommend that you clearly have time for.  It's an  interesting, entertaining sermon that won't solve your problems, but will get you onto the right track.  Let me know if you like it and want more.

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